Facebook Note Gone Awry: Is BF Overreacting?

[0TheSwerve0]

Ok, I know I'm not the most sensitive person, but I'd like to think I'm not at the jerk end of the spectrum either. Today, however, I'm kind of unsure where I am. You see today, I received an email from my boyfriend (still a youngish relationship) saying that I ruined his day before it had even started. At first, I couldn't figure out what he was referring to... until I logged into my Facebook account and was notified that someone had responded to a note I had written last night. This note was inspired by a comment said bf had made about Michael Jackson's music. Seemed pretty ignorant of him to flat out say that it plain sucked. He later made the excuse that he didn't have respect for people that didn't write their own music. It just seemed he was being completely stubborn and snobbish, so I wrote a note:

Michael Jackson Sucks

Ignorant comment?

btw, I didn't say it, but I'm wondering what everyone has to say about his music.

So was posting this note in the first place just awful? Because it gets worse...

First response, from his brother no less!

Everyone loves Michael Jackson's music. To deny it is to be a stuck up pr**k.

(edit, was sure if that last word was prohibited)

Well yeah, that's where I was going with it, though I wouldn't have said it that way. So, all of this has ruined his day. I get that it was a jerky thing of me to do, but is he overreacting?

 

[Beeza]

Overreacting over something stupid. Get rid of em.

 

[JasonRox]

I don't follow a thing you're trying to say.

Did you say MJ sucks? Did you ruin his day by saying this?
Did he say MJ sucks? Did you ruin his day by saying he's ignorant?

PS. Limit the use of Facebook. If I'm seeing someone, I prohibit the relationship status bull****. I have no wall. I don't allow anyone to tag me in pictures. I don't write my fav. movies and garbage. It's only used to connect with people easier period.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

He said MJ sucks, I thought it was stupid comment, so I wrote a note about it (not naming him) and then his brother said whoever said it was a pr**k... kind of funny, but only to anyone not him.

Facebook hasn't been a problem for me. What do I care if anyone knows what I think? Or that I'm in a relationship? And I don't ever talk crap about anyone on there (not that I'd be inclined to anyway).

 

[moe darklight]

he's over-overreacting. lol.

EDIT: do NOT show him this thread

 

[Moonbear]

Okay, this sounds like the sort of conversation 12 year olds have. "So and so said this guy in that band sucks, but I think he's so hot...she's so stupid to think he sucks, and now she's mad at me for telling her she's stupid, and we're so NEVER going to talk to each other again."

I take it that neither of you are 12, and hopefully haven't been for a long time (otherwise we have a different issue to be discussing here, and might be more related to the subject of Michael Jackson than I think).

Why do you think he's upset? Is it because of something as petty as disagreeing over Michael Jackson, or is it because you took something so petty that should have been dropped and forgotten as soon as it happened and made a big deal of it by posting it for everyone else you know to discuss? Why would you make a public issue of such a petty argument? And call him ignorant for holding a different opinion from yourself?

Quite frankly, if you're getting into such a heated argument over something so inconsequential to your relationship or lives as Michael Jackson (or any other celebrity), and calling one another ignorant over your opinions on this, and escalating these arguments into the public's eyes, then maybe you should consider if you're really suited for one another at all.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

He's often stubborn and snobbish about stuff, and this time it bugged me enough to do something. Something stupid, but not that big of a deal in my eyes. It's not like all of my friends are posting responses and insulting the comment, it was just one comment by his brother. If it were me, I'd find the humor in it (and at the least not feel upset about it).

 

[Moonbear]

He's often stubborn and snobbish about stuff, and this time it bugged me enough to do something. Something stupid, but not that big of a deal in my eyes. It's not like all of my friends are posting responses and insulting the comment, it was just one comment by his brother. If it were me, I'd find the humor in it (and at the least not feel upset about it).

What I'm detecting here is a problem that goes deeper than the original question. If you think your boyfriend is stubborn and snobbish...to the point it really bugs you (i.e., you're not looking at this and thinking it's a cute trait), and your approach to handling it isn't a big deal to you, but is a big deal to him, it really just sounds like you have incompatibility issues. Someone more compatible with you would have found it funny, someone more compatible with him wouldn't have thought the comment was snobbish or ignorant.

I'm just not sure it's clear if this is an overreaction by him or insensitivity by you, or more simply that you have different ways of interacting/reading into things. If it were a completely isolated incident, I'd be inclined to chalk it up to a bad day and growing pains in your relationship, and if it all blows over by the end of the day when you can talk it over in person, then it still might be nothing more than that. But, if you often feel his snobbish, and this was a reaction to that, unless this gets an open discussion going about that feeling, it doesn't bode well. To view a boyfriend as stubborn isn't necessarily a bad thing, but viewing him as snobbish is. It doesn't really sound like you like him all that much.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

Usually I don't mind that much. It's definitely a fluke that I did this. I just feel that I have to tiptoe around his feelings a lot, and this time my natural impulse to say whatever I feel/think got the better of me (Sagittarius issues!). But really, it usually doesn't bug me that much. I think part of it was that he holds a self-image that chalks up such snobbery to good taste and knowledge, and I wanted to bring him down to earth.

 

[wolram]

Usually I don't mind that much. It's definitely a fluke that I did this. I just feel that I have to tiptoe around his feelings a lot, and this time my natural impulse to say whatever I feel/think got the better of me (Sagittarius issues!). But really, it usually doesn't bug me that much. I think part of it was that he holds a self-image that chalks up such snobbery to good taste and knowledge, and I wanted to bring him down to earth.

Sagittarius problems? well that's me and i do not tip toe around any thing, all ways say what you think and sod the other persons feelings, unless she is you mom, snobs make me puke, one time i decked one, and he made my life a misery with legal threats, that is until a chance (meeting) some time later, when he shot me in the head with a pellet gun, i had witnesses
so i kick this creep every time i see him.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

But then there's the whole issue of spousal abuse and being taken to jail... I don't think he'd wait for me on the other side after that.

Funny thing is, he's a Sag too, with his Mercury and Venus in Sag, Mars in Capriocrn, Jupiter and Saturn in Scorpio... all formidable, masculine signs. But then he's got his Moon in Cancer, which just trumps everything else and makes him ultra-sensitive. Also makes him very creative and funny, but easily hurt.

 

[wolram]

But then there's the whole issue of spousal abuse and being taken to jail... I don't think he'd wait for me on the other side after that.

Funny thing is, he's a Sag too, with his Mercury and Venus in Sag, Mars in Capriocrn, Jupiter and Saturn in Scorpio... all formidable, masculine signs. But then he's got his Moon in Cancer, which just trumps everything else and makes him ultra-sensitive. Also makes him very creative and funny, but easily hurt.

What the hell? you are so nuts, punch him in the face and go and look for some Earth like person.

 

[lisab]

Sagittarius issues? Rubbish. What was happening in the visible universe on the day you were born is relevant to absolutely nothing that's happening with your life today.

If you're impulsive, just admit that you're impulsive. If you're OK with being impulsive, then fine; otherwise, change it. Don't blame Jupiter.

Sounds like you two have some issues you need to sort out -- just do it face-to-face. When you converse online you miss things like facial expressions and body language.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

Just because I believe in astrology doesn't mean I don't take responsibility for the way I am. Rather, astrology goes deeper into explaining why you are the way you are. It's not about blame, it's about understanding. So far, the explanations seem to fit me and everyone else I know. Btw, the planets are said to reflect what's inside you already, not cause you to be a certain way.

E.G. Someone with their Moon in Cancer might be aware that they're super emotional, but not get why.

Here would be an astrological explanation/analysis:

Moon in Cancer
When the Moon is in rulership in Cancer, it becomes the embodiment of the universal mother energy. It is able to feel and express the full range of emotions, to hold and preserve the memory of all experiences. The Moon in Cancer, motivated to establish and express our emotions land soul identity, truly understands the universal longing to be nurtured and protected, to return to the source. As Cancer is the signature role for the Moon, it will always give a powerful, emotional performance in this sign. In Cancer, the Moon does not usually feel the need for any kind of restraint – it’s not so much a question of overacting, but more one of overreacting. Everything is a big deal to the Moon in Cancer, and each and every scene must demonstrate the Moon’s full emotional range. Its feelings are true, but they’re not always entirely appropriate at the time they’re being expressed. The Moon in Cancer has to learn that it is not the only actor, and that it is not the focus of every scene. While the Moon in Cancer feels very safe and comfortable expressing and sharing emotions, the Moon in Cancer can also reach a point where the only time it feels safe is when it is expressing and sharing emotions with others. The Moon in Cancer is always focused on its core emotional and survival needs, and if these needs aren’t being met, the moon in Cancer can become exceedingly dependent on the support of others.

If you think that's a rubbish answer, you aren't obliged to accept it. I, however, find that this does apply to those with their Moon in Cancer.

vs. people who are super emotional and have their Moon in Pisces:

Moon in Pisces
Moon in Pisces is peregrine, although not nearly as challenged as the Moon in Scorpio. Actually, the Moon in Pisces has quite the opposite challenge from what it has in Scorpio. Expression of emotions is not a problem for Pisces energy, focus, however, is. The Moon in Pisces becomes so hypersensitive that individuals with the Moon in Pisces become receptors for all the emotions around them – and since Pisces energy is about transmuting negativity, the Moon in Pisces often becomes an unconscious magnet for other people’s negativity. The Moon in Pisces is comfortable expressing compassion, love, and understanding, and will absorb and transmute the pain and emotional discomfort of others almost instinctively. Because the Moon in Pisces radiates compassion and acceptance, individuals with Moon in Pisces naturally attract other individuals who need someone who will really listen to their problems. What this means is that individuals with the Moon in Pisces must learn how to take care of their personal energy fields, and to clear and release the negativity that they have picked up during the day. As the Moon in Pisces wanders and evolves, it must learn how to stay focused and to discriminate between its own emotions and those that it has absorbed from others.

Therefore these two placements result in similar expressions for different reasons.

(I have a feeling I'll need to edit this thread to say that it's gone awry as well)

 

[wolram]

Enough said, go find your inner self, and good luck.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

I just got a freaking street sweeping ticket because I've been talking with him all morning through email about this. He's paying for half of it.

 

[wolram]

I just got a freaking street sweeping ticket because I've been talking with him all morning through email about this. He's paying for half of it.

I wish i could understand you, you sound like a real nutter, just tell us you imagined problem
and may be we can give you an imagined solution

 

[0TheSwerve0]

I wish i could understand you...

ditto, what are you saying?

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

I just got a freaking street sweeping ticket because I've been talking with him all morning through email about this. He's paying for half of it.

Well we all go through overly anal phases, and star signs are likely to be as revealing as the size of my foot in comparison to my mouth. No offence.

Lighten up, it's Michael Jackson. The guys weird and certainly not subject to the usual laws of human beings, ok it's unfair to say he doesn't write his music, because he clearly has had an input. But at the end of the day who cares, and like Moonbear says, are you sure this isn't an issue far more to do with you and your bf, than anything real? Have a discussion, talk about the whole thing, don't get bent out of shape about irrelevant issues, and if you do make sure you talk about it, without using that over imaginative capacity we all have to make mountains out of molehills.

To coin a phrase, everyone is an idiot for ~15% of their life. You just hope that when you are the other person isn't also in the idiot phase.

 

[BobG]

Ok, I know I'm not the most sensitive person, but I'd like to think I'm not at the jerk end of the spectrum either. Today, however, I'm kind of unsure where I am. You see today, I received an email from my boyfriend (still a youngish relationship) saying that I ruined his day before it had even started. At first, I couldn't figure out what he was referring to... until I logged into my Facebook account and was notified that someone had responded to a note I had written last night. This note was inspired by a comment said bf had made about Michael Jackson's music. Seemed pretty ignorant of him to flat out say that it plain sucked. He later made the excuse that he didn't have respect for people that didn't write their own music. It just seemed he was being completely stubborn and snobbish, so I wrote a note:

Michael Jackson Sucks

Ignorant comment?

btw, I didn't say it, but I'm wondering what everyone has to say about his music.

So was posting this note in the first place just awful? Because it gets worse...

First response, from his brother no less!

Everyone loves Michael Jackson's music. To deny it is to be a stuck up pr**k.

(edit, was sure if that last word was prohibited)

Well yeah, that's where I was going with it, though I wouldn't have said it that way. So, all of this has ruined his day. I get that it was a jerky thing of me to do, but is he overreacting?

His brother's response is just plain ignorant.

First of all, I doubt everyone has heard Michael Jackson's music. There has to be some primitive aboriginal tribes that don't have radios, let alone ipods.

Second of all, Michael Jackson sucks! (Edit: If you don't believe me, do a poll.)

The solution is obvious. Both of you should quit associating with his brother and get over it.

 

[moose]

I think you just took your bf's mj comment way too seriously.

 

[chroot]

Look, you're calling him ignorant, stubborn, snobbish, and all sorts of other things. That's contempt. Your generalizations about his self-image -- and your desire to effectively tear him down -- are the deepest kind of contempt. You're not really concerned about any specifc event here. Deep down inside, you hold a great deal of contempt for him.

If you really feel any of those things about the person you supposedly love, your relationships is already over.

If you don't really believe those things, yet say them anyway, you are going to ruin your relationship eventually. You seriously need lessons in cooperative communication.

- Warren

 

[Moonbear]

Look, you're calling him ignorant, stubborn, snobbish, and all sorts of other things. That's contempt.

Exactly! All that silliness about astrology is just excuses trying to somehow justify staying with someone with whom you personality is simply not compatible. Why waste your time? If you need to tiptoe around his feelings, and think he's a snob, then find someone who likes you the way you are, and find someone you like as they are. Unless you're so shallow as to base relationships on whether or not one likes Michael Jackson (in which case you're STILL in deep doo doo with this one), that's again just another excuse to argue with him without accepting the problem is the relationship, not the topic of conversation.

 

[undrcvrbro]

you sound like a real nutter

Agreed.

Well we all go through overly anal phases

Haha. I'm sorry. I have the maturity of a 12 year old... having a boyfriend..being overly anal..haha this is too much.

I need to grow up.

 

[chroot]

One other comment... when people fight, they will often throw in "repair attempts," in an effort to defuse the situation. Repair attempts come in many forms. Some people say, "come on, let's not fight." Others put a hand on their partner, or ask for a hug. Other people make jokes. No matter what form they come in, though, repair attempts have to be acknowledged, and in all but the most exceptional cases, they must also be heeded. If one person routinely gets his or her repair attempts shot down, it will lead to resentment, emotional isolation, and a breakup.

If you've really been talking all morning with him about this, I'm sure he's thrown more than a couple of repair attempts out there, and, by the sound of it, you're oblivious to them. I suggest you try to read over those emails again, and look for examples. Consider -- just for a moment -- that maybe he doesn't want to fight about this, and it's really just your own contempt that's keeping it going.

- Warren

 

[undrcvrbro]

So true!

One other comment... when people fight, they will often throw in "repair attempts," in an effort to defuse the situation. Repair attempts come in many forms. Some people say, "come on, let's not fight." Others put a hand on their partner, or ask for a hug. Other people make jokes. No matter what form they come in, though, repair attempts have to be acknowledged, and in all but the most exceptional cases, they must also be heeded. If one person routinely gets his or her repair attempts shot down, it will lead to resentment, emotional isolation, and a breakup.

If you've really been talking all morning with him about this, I'm sure he's thrown more than a couple of repair attempts out there, and, by the sound of it, you're oblivious to them. I suggest you try to read over those emails again, and look for examples. Consider -- just for a moment -- that maybe he doesn't want to fight about this, and it's really just your own contempt that's keeping it going.

- Warren

Great Point Chroot. My girlfriend does just that when she's mad at me. She starts to laugh at something and almost 100 percent of the time (if I actually try to capitalize on her "repair attempt") the laughter leads to a break in her bad moods. I've always noticed it but never actually put a word on it.

 

[Astronuc]

He's often stubborn and snobbish about stuff, and this time it bugged me enough to do something. Something stupid, but not that big of a deal in my eyes. It's not like all of my friends are posting responses and insulting the comment, it was just one comment by his brother. If it were me, I'd find the humor in it (and at the least not feel upset about it).

What I'm detecting here is a problem that goes deeper than the original question. If you think your boyfriend is stubborn and snobbish...to the point it really bugs you (i.e., you're not looking at this and thinking it's a cute trait), and your approach to handling it isn't a big deal to you, but is a big deal to him, it really just sounds like you have incompatibility issues. Someone more compatible with you would have found it funny, someone more compatible with him wouldn't have thought the comment was snobbish or ignorant.

I'm just not sure it's clear if this is an overreaction by him or insensitivity by you, or more simply that you have different ways of interacting/reading into things. If it were a completely isolated incident, I'd be inclined to chalk it up to a bad day and growing pains in your relationship, and if it all blows over by the end of the day when you can talk it over in person, then it still might be nothing more than that. But, if you often feel his snobbish, and this was a reaction to that, unless this gets an open discussion going about that feeling, it doesn't bode well. To view a boyfriend as stubborn isn't necessarily a bad thing, but viewing him as snobbish is. It doesn't really sound like you like him all that much.

I agree with Moonbear on this.

There are two issues here as I see it: 1) boyfriends childish behavior and 2) one's response, which is somewhat indicative of a basic incompatibility with said bf.

As for issue 1, it doesn't seem appropriate for one's significant other to contact one by email to complain that one ruined his day over something so trivial. Some people don't seem to be able to make it up the main sequence of maturity or human development but turn off at the dwarf stage.

Issue 2, if one has to tiptoe around the bf's feelings, there's something wrong with the relationship. There seems more mutual antagonism than mutual concern and support, which seems antithetical to an intimate (warm and tender) relationship.

I've never understood why some people insult or belittle their initimate partner, and even worse, is the partner who stays in an abusive relationship. Avoid becoming a co-dependent.

One can do better.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

Well we all go through overly anal phases, and star signs are likely to be as revealing as the size of my foot in comparison to my mouth. No offence.

No offense taken, nobody agrees on everything. And hey, being Catholic, I get stuff like that all the time ;)

Lighten up, it's Michael Jackson. The guys weird and certainly not subject to the usual laws of human beings, ok it's unfair to say he doesn't write his music, because he clearly has had an input. But at the end of the day who cares, and like Moonbear says, are you sure this isn't an issue far more to do with you and your bf, than anything real?

Did you read what I said before? It isn't about Michael Jackson...

Have a discussion, talk about the whole thing, don't get bent out of shape about irrelevant issues, and if you do make sure you talk about it, without using that over imaginative capacity we all have to make mountains out of molehills.

We already did (see above, i.e. why I got the ticket). It wasn't that big of a deal when I did it, he was just being frustrating and irrational, so I impulsively posted it. It became a big deal when he said I ruined his day. For God's sake, come on.

To coin a phrase, everyone is an idiot for ~15% of their life. You just hope that when you are the other person isn't also in the idiot phase.[/QUOTE]

 

[0TheSwerve0]

I think you just took your bf's mj comment way too seriously.

At first I didn't, I just kind of balked that anyone could say something so obviously untrue. Then he dug himself deeper by trying to back up that statement. And I even said so, I said you could dislike the music but admit that it has talent and quality, but he stuck by everything he said. Someone being that idiotic in front of me is like a red cape.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

Look, you're calling him ignorant, stubborn, snobbish, and all sorts of other things. That's contempt. Your generalizations about his self-image -- and your desire to effectively tear him down -- are the deepest kind of contempt. You're not really concerned about any specifc event here. Deep down inside, you hold a great deal of contempt for him.

If you really feel any of those things about the person you supposedly love, your relationships is already over.

If you don't really believe those things, yet say them anyway, you are going to ruin your relationship eventually. You seriously need lessons in cooperative communication.

- Warren

Yeah, I told him so, too. I told him his behavior was basically contemptible to me. People that don't modify their visceral reactions with reason bug the hell out of me. I never said I was concerned with the event. Anybody paying attention?

And until you've been in this relationship, I don't think you can judge me.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

Exactly! All that silliness about astrology is just excuses trying to somehow justify staying with someone with whom you personality is simply not compatible. Why waste your time? If you need to tiptoe around his feelings, and think he's a snob, then find someone who likes you the way you are, and find someone you like as they are. Unless you're so shallow as to base relationships on whether or not one likes Michael Jackson (in which case you're STILL in deep doo doo with this one), that's again just another excuse to argue with him without accepting the problem is the relationship, not the topic of conversation.

So now you think the only reason I'm with him is because of astrology?

Since when do I care if he likes Michael Jackson?

Wow, talk about twisting words and leaping to conclusions. Some people like gossip way too much...

 

[0TheSwerve0]

One other comment... when people fight, they will often throw in "repair attempts," in an effort to defuse the situation. Repair attempts come in many forms. Some people say, "come on, let's not fight." Others put a hand on their partner, or ask for a hug. Other people make jokes. No matter what form they come in, though, repair attempts have to be acknowledged, and in all but the most exceptional cases, they must also be heeded. If one person routinely gets his or her repair attempts shot down, it will lead to resentment, emotional isolation, and a breakup.

If you've really been talking all morning with him about this, I'm sure he's thrown more than a couple of repair attempts out there, and, by the sound of it, you're oblivious to them. I suggest you try to read over those emails again, and look for examples. Consider -- just for a moment -- that maybe he doesn't want to fight about this, and it's really just your own contempt that's keeping it going.

- Warren

Yeah, that already happened to me earlier, twice. I'm still standing and I'm not resentful or isolated. I'm stronger than that. Sometimes people act like children, so I don't take it personally if they're jerks to me.

btw, he never attempted to repair. Nice how I'm the villain in this. (shows how much understand)

 

[0TheSwerve0]

Issue 2, if one has to tiptoe around the bf's feelings, there's something wrong with the relationship. There seems more mutual antagonism than mutual concern and support, which seems antithetical to an intimate (warm and tender) relationship.

I've already talked to him about this, a few times even. He knows he's ultra-sensitive, and usually he takes a while to respond if he's upset. This time he didn't, and even when I agreed with him that I was being a jerk, he still kept the argument going and tried to deny that his comment was dumb in the first place. It's not like I was hounding him, I just admitted that we were both being lame, but he wouldn't admit it.

Really, I just see him as being a big baby, but that's only because my emotional expressions are so different. I'm pretty thick-skinned, so even if someone takes a swipe at me, I get over it quickly. I'm no victim. With him, he's got insecurity issues from childhood, so it's just more work to consider that first before even teasing him.

 

[NeoDevin]

Really, I just see him as being a big baby

The heart of the problem?

 

[0TheSwerve0]

Yep, which I told him, and now I realize that he's just super emotional and kind of messed up. So, now I tiptoe around him. It's not my nature, but at least I don't have bottled up frustration anymore because I understand him. My sister is actually way worse than he is, and because I understand her, I can let her crap go and get over it in the blink of an eye. Obviously he and I don't quite understand each other as well.