Collection of Lame Jokes

[symbolipoint]

The truth of that report should mean that eagle and flamingo are same species. (#22800)

 

[jtbell]

 

[sbrothy]

In Denmark we have special sections of the hospital reserved for special people. At least that’s what I thought seeing this:

EDIT: Funny though, I’ve never seen anyone exit from there.

I’m JOKING!

EDIT: and I hope I didn’t already make this “joke”, as it can hardly be funny even once. I searched though. Also this *is* the lame jokes thread.

 

[sandy stone]

Hah!

What is it about moose that make them funny across public entertainment?

EDIT: I mean it's a large smelly to the point of putrid, dirty, bad-tempered, territorial animal.

Those of us of a certain generation were taught that they were harmless (if subtly subversive) doofuses that tended to befriend flying squirrels.

 

[jtbell]

Here's how some dance students earn money to pay tuiuion:

"Okay, great! Hold that pose until we finish this project."

 

[sbrothy]

Those of us of a certain generation were taught that they were harmless (if subtly subversive) doofuses that tended to befriend flying squirrels.

“Harmless”? Say that after having faced a mildly annoyed one!

 

[sbrothy]

“Harmless”? Say that after having faced a mildly annoyed one!

Now a tapir! That’s a funny animal!

At the zoo at age 11 I saw one make full (and I mean as in explosive fire-hose-like) use of it’s cloacae! From that moment it’s been my favorite animal!

“Mum! I want one of those!”

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[sbrothy]

View attachment 365222

I like her look. "Really?!"

 

[sbrothy]

Now a tapir! That’s a funny animal!

At the zoo at age 11 I saw one make full (and I mean as in explosive fire-hose-like) use of it’s cloacae! From that moment it’s been my favorite animal!

“Mum! I want one of those!”

Speaking of funny animals. Tardigrades score high too. They look like vacuum cleaner bags with 8 legs:

 

[sbrothy]

Speaking of funny animals. Tardigrades score high too. They look like vacuum cleaner bags with 8 legs:

View attachment 365223

Although his mum may not be so pretty:

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]

 

[symbolipoint]

While I only partially understand those posted instructions at that golf club, the manner of indentation for the ten points is unexpected.

So the instructions imply that one who is reasonably skilled at handling certain personal business at a urinal may also be skilled at golf.

 

[sbrothy]

A nightingale was flying over the Siberian tundra and singing. Higher and higher it flew until suddenly it froze and fell to the ground. A bear passed by and took a dump on it. Warmed by the scat it came to and promply started singing again. This attracted the attention of a wild cat which dug it out and ate it!

Now there are 4 morales to this story.

1.)
Obviously don’t fly higher than your wings will carry (or something, obviously something was lost in translation), and what goes up must come down!

2.)
Not everyone dumping on you is an enemy.

3.)
Not everyone pulling you out of the s… is a friend.

And finally:

4.)
Don’t sing while you’re burrowed in s…!

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 365097

Can I ask what the German translates to? My best attempt is something like "the shiny ones", which I guess is something you might say when buying shoes.

 

[sbrothy]

View attachment 365102

Those conmen just keep getting more and more savvy. Obviously he’s wasting his talents. He should be part of an Ocean’s Eleven crew!

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

Those conmen just keep getting more and more savvy. Obviously he’s wasting his talents. He should be part of an Ocean’s Eleven crew!

Not a very effective way of getting laundry done.

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

Can I ask what the German translates to? My best attempt is something like "the shiny ones", which I guess is something you might say when buying shoes.

Die in hell = Those in bright = Those in a bright colour.

Those and 'die' isn't literal translation. We use the definite article 'die' as an abbreviation for 'these' (='diese') or 'those' (='jene') in this case. The reference of a definite article to a certain object is way stronger than the English word 'the'. In English, you have to say 'the one(s)', or 'these' (which would be too strong since we refer only to the kind of shoes, not the specific pair), or 'those' (which is better suited for 'kind of shoe').

 

[WWGD]

Die in hell = Those in bright = Those in a bright colour.

Wasn't there a famous one that read " die baby, die"?

 

[WWGD]

A classic ( or maybe stale). US kids can be rough . German children are kinder.

 

[fresh_42]

Wasn't there a famous one that read " die baby, die"?

I remember that our English teacher told us how he was perplexed when his neighbor, while riding on a bus in London, said to him: "What a nice 'die' 'to die'!"

(Pre-Klingon era)

 

[WWGD]

I remember that our English teacher told us how he was perplexed when his neighbor, while riding on a bus in London, said to him: "What a nice 'die' 'to die'!"

(Pre-Klingon era)

Or nice ' dye'?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

 

[sbrothy]

Not a very effective way of getting laundry done.

Touche!

(Can’t find the umlaut key on this old phone.)

 

[WWGD]

Touche!

(Can’t find the umlaut key on this old phone.)

Crack some eggs to make the umlaut.

 

[sbrothy]

Crack some eggs to make the umlaut.

This is the second time you tell me this no? Perhaps something is lost in translation or I'm just too dense. I'm afraid I need it explained...

EDIT: Also, it really is an apostrophe I'm missing isn't it?

EDIT3: Some diacritic anyway.

EDIT4: Acute accent.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Crack some eggs to make the umlaut.

That will be an oeuf of that!

 

[BillTre]

 

[sbrothy]

Ooh, you're being subtle! And it's something French you are! An artisté?

(I'm joking. I know the diacritic doesn't belong there.)




EDIT: Though I have to go see to one of my "patients".... Later..

 

[fresh_42]

That will be an oeuf of that!

Now I know how to get an American to pronounce ö. I always referred to urgent, which isn't quite it.

 

[jack action]

A nightingale was flying over the Siberian tundra and singing. Higher and higher it flew until suddenly it froze and fell to the ground. A bear passed by and took a dump on it. Warmed by the scat it came to and promply started singing again. This attracted the attention of a wild cat which dug it out and ate it!

Now there are 4 morales to this story.

1.)
Obviously don’t fly higher than your wings will carry (or something, obviously something was lost in translation), and what goes up must come down!

2.)
Not everyone dumping on you is an enemy.

3.)
Not everyone pulling you out of the s… is a friend.

And finally:

4.)
Don’t sing while you’re burrowed in s…!

This is one of my favorite quotes from a movie:

​

 

[sbrothy]

Now I know how to get an American to pronounce ö. I always referred to urgent, which isn't quite it.

Sir

 

[WWGD]

This is the second time you tell me this no? Perhaps something is lost in translation or I'm just too dense. I'm afraid I need it explained...

EDIT: Also, it really is an apostrophe I'm missing isn't it?

EDIT3: Some diacritic anyway.

EDIT4: Acute accent.

Sorry, got mixed up with your empty set letter. What's its name?

 

[fresh_42]

Sir

The problem is the 'r'. It makes it impossible to separate the two letters, and a rolled tongue is exactly why 'ö' (or 'ü') doesn't work.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[mjc123]

Wasn't there a famous one that read " die baby, die"?

Sideshow Bob had a tattoo "Die, Bart, Die". This caused the parole board some concern until he explained it was German for "The Bart, The". This allayed their fears because, as one of them said, "No-one who speaks German can possibly be an evil monster."

 

[fresh_42]

 

[sbrothy]

View attachment 365265

Very apt. “Succint is verbose for terse”

 

[Borg]

Did you hear about the guy who tried to rob the theater during a play?

He was caught in the act.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[sbrothy]

View attachment 365270

That is downright dangerous! I think you’d be stopped pretty quickly in Denmark. Probably Photoshop tho.

 

[WWGD]

That is downright dangerous! I think you’d be stopped pretty quickly in Denmark. Probably Photoshop tho.

I suspect a good chunk of those jokes are made using Adobe. Like some of those church ones.

 

[jtbell]

 

[WWGD]

Maybe told this one before:

Sylverster Stallone opened up an Optical store in Siberia: The Eye of the Taiga.

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 365274

As if you could still distinguish A,B,C,D, ... given the 800!