Physics Jokes and Humor - Share Yours Here!

[Gamish]

Everyone list your physics jokes here. I have a few ones.

In the early 1900's, name foreigners came to america, and they had bad english skills, espeicaly with tense and past tense. So, one day, a german who just entered the country lost track of the time, as he needed to catch a train , so he asked a physicists "What is time". The physics replied "You will have to ask a philosopher that question, I'm only a scientist".

Your mother is so fat, men are actually attrracted to her, according to General Relativity.

Don't take these jokes offenseively, these are jokes that only we can understand.

 

[GroupCaptainMandrake]

A Dancing Wu Li Master walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with Everything."
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Many people espouse the works of Renee DesCartes without reference to the pioneering works of the Dutch naturalist Evander DeHoorst. As such, they tend to put DesCartes before DeHoorst.

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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-------

Einstein on Divorce: "All things are relative. All relatives are things. My relatives took all my things."
--------

Two archaeologists are standing before a gigantic, fallen statue in the desert (See: "Ozymandias" by Percy Bysshe Shelley). One archaeologist says to the other "A great civilization must've made this." His colleague replies "But what brought them down?"

Suddenly, the statue comes to life, rises and replies "I got knocked over."

"Ah," responds the first scientist, "it only stands to reason."

 

[matthyaouw]

https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=4463
Try here.

 

[tribdog]

Person 1: Wow, look at those carbon atoms. That molecule looks like a soccer ball. Is it full of air?
2:no it's fullerene

I just made that up. just now. two seconds ago

 

[tribdog]

yeah, made that one up, hours ago now. no one seems to have much to say about it though. made it from scratch. all by myself. yep

 

[Moonbear]

yeah, made that one up, hours ago now. no one seems to have much to say about it though. made it from scratch. all by myself. yep

There, there, it's the effort that counts.

 

[tribdog]

no, it's not the effort that counts. It's the number of votes at the end of the year

 

[Moonbear]

Touché

I bow down to you oh master of funniness.

 

[tribdog]

maybe it needs a rewrite.
PFer1:Wow, look at those carbon atoms. They are arranged in the shape of a soccer ball.
PFer2:is it full of air?
PFer1:No, It's fullerene.
bah dum dum <cymbal>

 

[Smurf]

Many people espouse the works of Renee DesCartes without reference to the pioneering works of the Dutch naturalist Evander DeHoorst. As such, they tend to put DesCartes before DeHoorst.

This one gets my nomination for worst joke I have ever heard.

 

[Moonbear]

maybe it needs a rewrite.
PFer1:Wow, look at those carbon atoms. They are arranged in the shape of a soccer ball.
PFer2:is it full of air?
PFer1:No, It's fullerene.
bah dum dum <cymbal>

Ah, never underestimate the power of the cymbal for turning something humorous.

 

[KingNothing]

"What? Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic."

 

[Chrono]

I'm sure we've all heard this at some point in our love of physics, but since it's the season and all I think it's time we all got to read it again.

Is There A Santa?

 

[poolwin2001]

As tribdog posted the joke he made here is the one I made,
Q:Why did dracula go to the circus?
A:to get the juggler(juglar?)[/Color]select to see the Ans
bah dum dum <cymbal>

 

[tribdog]

As tribdog posted the joke he made here is the one I made,
Q:Why did dracula go to the circus?
A:to get the juggler(juglar?)[/Color]select to see the Ans
bah dum dum <cymbal>

Q:Why didn't the physicist go to the circus?
Ae sees enough clowns on Physics Forums[/Color]select to see the Ans
bah dum dum <cymbal>

 

[tribdog]

Why did MoonBear throw away her microscope the day after Thanksgiving?
She heard that it was the busiest shopping day of the year and all the stores were having Big Cells.

 

[tribdog]

I'm sorry for that last joke. I make up all my own jokes, like the ones on page one, But I got this one out of an old copy of 1001 MoonBear jokes.

 

[Chrono]

I got this one out of an old copy of 1001 MoonBear jokes.

I need to update my collection. I still have last year's 501 MoonBear jokes.

 

[tribdog]

Oh, you don't know what you're missing. I've got MoonBear's Knock Knock jokes, How many MoonBears does it take to..., Even More MoonBear Jokes, MoonBear's Dirty Limericks, and MoonBear sings Don Ho.

 

[Moonbear]

I'm sorry for that last joke. I make up all my own jokes, like the ones on page one, But I got this one out of an old copy of 1001 MoonBear jokes.

It must be late and I must be really, really, really tired. I just laughed at that. Thanks, I needed a little laughter tonight.

It took me 20 min of going nuts thinking I'm starting to go blind in one eye because I could not get both oculars focused at the same time before I realized someone had an extra spacer in the ocular on one side but not the other. I'm not sure why it was there...it didn't have a lens in it and with it in place, the focal distance is too far off, so I couldn't focus at all through that ocular. Yesterday I had to clean every G-d damned lens on it, and someone got crud all over the condenser on another scope . I don't know what on Earth the students are doing with them!

Sorry, I know that's not funny, though I wish it was a joke. [/rant]

 

[tribdog]

That was an excerpt from MoonBear's Favorite Rants, vol 3.

 

[Chrono]

Oh, you don't know what you're missing. I've got MoonBear's Knock Knock jokes, How many MoonBears does it take to..., Even More MoonBear Jokes, MoonBear's Dirty Limericks, and MoonBear sings Don Ho.

Dang. It seems I haven't been searching hard enough. The Dirty Limericks seems interesting.

 

[Moonbear]

That was an excerpt from MoonBear's Favorite Rants, vol 3.

LOL! At least the cells I've been counting all night are stained appropriate colors for the season...red and green. I should put my other avatar back up...it's one of those cells...get myself back into the holiday spirit. I'm glad you're around here to cheer me up.

 

[Moonbear]

Dang. It seems I haven't been searching hard enough. The Dirty Limericks seems interesting.

Well, I hired tribdog as a ghost writer for that section. He's far better at writing dirty limericks than I am. That's of course why he's pushing you to buy the new edition, he wants his cut of the royalties.

 

[tribdog]

MoonBear spent time at her scope
Breakthrough! That was her hope.
But her view wasn't clear
Am I blind? was her fear
Then she fixed the problem. with soap.

 

[tribdog]

MoonBear was losing her holiday cheer
But tribdog was there so don't fear
Put that microscope down
We'll have a night on the town
Just keep your thumb out of my rear.

 

[tribdog]

That'll be 14 cents please.

 

[tribdog]

Her scope provides magnification
and using it takes concentration.
MoonBear, take a break
for both or our's sake
and meet me for some fornication

 

[tribdog]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bio
Bio who?
Bio some spagettio, mya monkey's hungry.

From MoonBear's Redneck Comedy

 

[tribdog]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Guru
Guru who?
Goo ruined this damn microscope, how many times do I have to ask you to clean up after yourselves? I'm not your mother you know and I've just about had it with you lazy, inconsiderate peons.

From MoonBear's Double album Knock Knocks and rants.

 

[Moonbear]

 

[Moonbear]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Guru
Guru who?
Goo ruined this damn microscope, how many times do I have to ask you to clean up after yourselves? I'm not your mother you know and I've just about had it with you lazy, inconsiderate peons.

From MoonBear's Double album Knock Knocks and rants.

That reminds me of a sign I put up in the lab one weekend when I came into find EVERY piece of glassware dirty in the sink (and sitting in slimy water no less) and had to wash someone else's glassware just so I could have some to use for my own work (I was not a happy camper). When I calmed down, I decided to try humor since nothing else had worked to get the students to clean up after themselves.
The sign reads:

The elves are busy making toys for Christmas
The maid ran off with the butler
And your mother has better things to do
Wash your own glassware!

I've never had to clean someone else's glassware since then.

 

[tribdog]

Here's one from MoonBear's Life on the Farm telling dirty, inside jokes.

For 6 years she worked with a goat
For stinky a goat gets my vote.
That odor can linger,
so I'll use my finger
to hold my nose, while you deep throat.

 

[Moonbear]

What're you trying to do? Suffocate me!

 

[tribdog]

whoops, mistyped it. I meant my nose. cause you smelled like a goat.

 

[Moonbear]

whoops, mistyped it. I meant my nose. cause you smelled like a goat.

Phew! You had me worried there!

 

[tribdog]

MoonBear was gasping for air
She said, tribdog that just isn't fair.
please don't hold my nose
that's not what I chose
Instead, use those fingers down there.

From MoonBear's near Death experiences.

 

[Moonbear]

Evo? Is this what you meant when you talked about having your own shrine on the internet? I've never had most of a thread dedicated to me before.

 

[tribdog]

MoonBear, please don't be that way
I just have something to say
This isn't a shrine,
I just wish you were mine
and these limericks are my way to pray.

From MoonBear's Sappy Romance Limericks M-Z

 

[Moonbear]

Evo, would you and Humanino mind if we did a double PF wedding? :!) All these limericks are making me melty (don't ask what it means, it's just the only word that sounds right).

 

[tribdog]

MoonBear was starting to melt
I was telling her just how I felt
If you're feeling shy
because of this guy
you can spank me, but not with a belt.

from MoonBear Dominates

 

[Moonbear]

Moonbear wanted to reply
And really gave it a try
To think of a limerick
Is quite a tough trick
When she's flustered by a cute guy!

 

[tribdog]

I'm flattered I'm making you flustered.
Does that mean that I've passed the mustard.
Did I say that right?
It is so late at night
Let's get naked, in a bowl. of custard

from MoonBear's Tough Rhymes for Easy Times

 

[Moonbear]

Did he say all the words right?
Or give the lady a fright?
He continues to persist
On an answer he'll insist.
Ever the tease; maybe I might.

 

[tribdog]

Oh, MoonBear, you are such a tease
What else can I say? How 'bout, Please?
I saw you in my dream
(and it made me cream)<----lol, wow terrible terrible terrible
Only you make me weak in the knees.

excerpt from "Oh he's just wild about MoonBear"

 

[Moonbear]

I wish there was a way to insert a poll in the middle of a thread. I want to know who's reading along and are they cheering on tribdog or shouting for Moonbear to watch out?

 

[tribdog]

Moonbear there's no need to poll
It's late, and this forum's not full
All that matters, you see
Is what you mean to me
And, if you'll let me see your hole.

~from MoonBear's how to ruin a good starting poem

 

[Moonbear]

Moonbear is ready for bed,
Has enjoyed the hijacked thread.
Persistence is a virtue
When a lady you pursue.
'Til she gives a nod of her head.

 

[tribdog]

MoonBear went to bed late one night
and sadly, no one was in sight.
But that all will change
unless tribdog has mange.
Because something here really seems right.

from MoonBear's Tribdog is da man

good night, I'm ready for bed too.

 

[Tsu]

I wish there was a way to insert a poll in the middle of a thread. I want to know who's reading along and are they cheering on tribdog or shouting for Moonbear to watch out?

I'm here! I'm reading! I'm also planning the PF Double Wedding! WOOHOO! This is going to be a GAS!