Collection of Lame Jokes

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

Natural mosquito trap: The mosquito lands on the salt and thinks it is sugar. It gets thirsty and looks for water. But there is rum in the lid. The mosquito gets drunk, trips over the stick hits its head on the stone, and dies.

 

[phinds]

Rube Goldberg would be mildly proud.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[pinball1970]

View attachment 347235

Motivation!

 

[fresh_42]

This gender madness gets worse by the day. There have been reports that thousands of men in skirts were seen at the current European football championship!

 

[fresh_42]

Why shouldn't boxers have sex before their fight?

Because they don't like each other.

 

[pinball1970]

This gender madness gets worse by the day. There have been reports that thousands of men in skirts were seen at the current European football championship!

View attachment 347238

Only been a few times but I did not see one Kilt wearing Scot in Scotland.

 

[Ibix]

Only been a few times but I did not see one Kilt wearing Scotland in Scotland.

It's about as common as guys wearing dinner jackets in the rest of Britain, in my (also limited) experience - very formal events only. Plus national pride events like football matches, obviously.

 

[pinball1970]

It's about as common as guys wearing dinner jackets in the rest of Britain, in my (also limited) experience - very formal events only. Plus national pride events like football matches, obviously.

Dinner jackets are a bit fancy and we don't really do bowler hats any more, perhaps in the city. There is a Scot in our local who I have never seen in anything but a kilt, even in winter.

 

[fresh_42]

I read today that Scottish fans are so popular that there is a petition calling for an annual friendly match with Scotland.

 

[berkeman]

 

[DrGreg]

It's about as common as guys wearing dinner jackets in the rest of Britain, in my (also limited) experience - very formal events only. Plus national pride events like football matches, obviously.

In my limited experience, it seems to be a rule that at every English wedding there should be exactly one guest in a kilt.

 

[DaveC426913]

In my limited experience, it seems to be a rule that at every English wedding there should be exactly one guest in a kilt.

When my family flew to Scotland (about 12 of us), for my cousin's wedding, all we men were fitted up for kilts - sporan, socks, the works...

 

[collinsmark]

View attachment 347237

Not to be nitpicky, but the second movie in the series, "Final Destination 2", is the important reference here.

 

[dwarde]

 

[fresh_42]

Not to be nitpicky, but the second movie in the series, "Final Destination 2", is the important reference here.

I only remember the locations, not the order: airplane, highway, roller coaster, race track, bridge.
Was there a 6th part?

 

[nuuskur]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Ibix]

That poster says Te Whatu Ora, which is the New Zealand public health service. What's that fruit just above the apple...?

 

[phinds]

COACHING COMMENTS (from Uncle John's Bathroom Reader):

Bill Cowher, football coach:
We're not attempting to circumcise rules

Tom Landry, football coach:
Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable

Byddy Ryan, football coach on why he cut a player:
All he does is catch touchdowns

Bobby Robson, soccer coach:
We didn't underestimate them, they were just a lot better than we thought.

Don King, boxing promoter:
He speaks Spanish and English and he's bilingual too.

Brian Burke, hockey general manager:
I will personally challenge anyone who wants to get rid of fighting to a fighting

Nick Ziro, horse trainer:
A lot of horses get distracted. It's just human nature.

Mark Whitcomb, skiing coach:
I told them three things last night. Fight until the end, believe in yourself, believe in your teammates, and sparkle out there.

And my favorite:

Casey Stengel, baseball manager:
You have to have a catcher, otherwise you will have a lot of passed balls

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 347294

Similar: "If brains were dynamite, most people couldn't blow their own nose."

 

[dwarde]

 

[DaveC426913]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Arjan82]

you use the celsius scale

 

[Orodruin]

you use the celsius scale
View attachment 347349

Rankine …

 

[berkeman]

"How Canadians are Born" -- Looks pretty accurate to me, eh?

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 347347

Delisle. Melting point.

Many people these days measure in Rømer.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nuuskur]

Took me a second. Cher / Chair

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[docnet]

 

[berkeman]

And for the cutest thing you'll see all day... Baby Olympics!

 

[phinds]

Some of Lewis Grizzard's better ones:

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

for example:

In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

And my personal favorite, because I identify so strongly with it:

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

 

[phinds]

I don't know WHAT the hell is going on here, but I still found it hilarious.

 

[docnet]

 

[WWGD]

I ran into a dyslexic extraterrestrial: "Take me to your dealer". Or was it just an addict?

 

[jtbell]

Extraterrestrial mouse: "Take me to your Liederkranz!"