Collection of Lame Jokes

[Gokul43201]

aaahhhhh ! I surrender...please no more...I'll tell you whatever you want to hear...here's the combination to my safe...

 

[Ivan Seeking]

No mercy!

What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

 

[Tsu]

Our lab decided today that a necessary trait for scientists is the ability to be easily amused. We all seem to laugh at each others lame jokes, which of course only encourages more lame jokes. It's a horrible cycle.

Just say 'NO'!

 

[BobG]

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that fell in a lake?
.
.
.
.
Bob

<<<<<groan>>>>>

Hey! That's mean. (I said with a deer in the headlights look)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can't get any worse.

Optimist: Yes they can.

 

[physicsuser]

What did a hand say to a face?


"Slap!"

 

[Gokul43201]

Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can't get any worse.

Optimist: Yes they can.

Bartlett, perhaps ?

 

[jimmy p]

Why don't sharks kill lawyers?



Professional courtesy

 

[Chrono]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.

 

[jimmy p]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.

That is a joke in itself... oh man... so true!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Bartlett, perhaps ?

We've been getting caught up on old episodes.

...the Barlett pair.

 

[Gokul43201]

I watched that episode a little after I read the joke. Made me smile despite the car-bomb in the Gaza.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.

Maybe it would help to introduce yourself as 6 of 9.

Babes love Star Trek

 

[Chrono]

That is a joke in itself... oh man... so true!

You get that, too, Jimmy? I swear, it never ceases to be funny to them.

 

[jimmy p]

You get that, too, Jimmy? I swear, it never ceases to be funny to them.

Maybe I should wear clothes when I ask them... I mean, yeah unless they don't have numbers. It sucks. Women suck. So do hoovers.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

 

[The Bob]

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

How do Elephants hide in Cherry Trees?






They paint their toe nails red.

The Bob (2004 ©)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree?






See how good it works.

 

[jimmy p]

Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree?






See how good it works.

That reminds me of a combined joke...

1.)Why did the elephant paint its testicles red?

To hide in the cherry tree

2.)What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

 

[The Bob]

That reminds me of a combined joke...

1.)Why did the elephant paint its testicles red?

To hide in the cherry tree

2.)What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

Nasty. *Wincing Smile Here*

The Bob (2004 ©)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

When asked how he felt about Roe vs Wade, Bush responded, "I prefer boats".

 

[Gokul43201]

When Condi suggested to Bush that perhaps they should plant some WMDs in Iraq, Bush replied, "But Condi, nothing grows in the desert !"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I went to the doctor for a vasectomy. He took one look at my face and said "you don't need one!"

I tell you I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!''

When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.

My Dentist told me my gums were shrinking. 'turns out I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H

Every time I get in an elevator the operator says the same thing to me: Basement? ''

I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. There was nobody home.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names -- hers and her mother's.

With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet

-- Rodney Dangerfield

 

[motai]

Muscially-themed lame jokes

Why can't skeletons play church music? They don't have any organs!

What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to? Plymouth Rock!

What would Mozart be doing if he was alive today? Probably screaming and clawing at the inside of his coffin.

What does Mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

 

[Argentum Vulpes]

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel down his paints. The bartender asked him about the steering wheel to which the pirate responded,

"Arrrrrrr, it's driving me nuts."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Words of wisdom: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.

 

[Chrono]

Witch parking: All others will be toad.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

While grocery shopping, an elderly lady asked the young produce man if she could have one half of a head of lettuce. "Half of head? We really don't do that", replied the young man. "You see", she continued, "I really don't eat very much and half of it always goes bad. I thought that maybe someone else could make use it". "Well..." [the man started to say] "...rather than throw it away", she insisted. Seeing that this woman was not going to be give up the young man went to the back of the store to ask the produce manager what to do. "This IDIOT woman keeps nagging me about wanting a half of a head of lettuce!", he shouted in protest. He had no sooner spoken that he saw that the woman had followed him. She had heard everything! ...and this is the nice lady who wants the other half...

 

[Chrono]

A new way of counting: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,10,11,12,...

What happened was seven ate nine.

Blame my professor for that one.

 

[BobG]

What's so funny about the first derivative of:

f(x)=\frac{r^3}{3}

In white:


f'(x)= (3r^2)/3*dr = r^2 dr = r r dr = r dr r
[/color]

(From The Simpsons, episode number 2)

 

[BobG]

Al Gore has finally given up politics and taken up his true calling as a drummer in a band. He's really good. He's come up with some of the most mathematically precise rhythms known to man.

In fact, people have taken to calling them "Al Gore Rhythms".