Collection of Lame Jokes

[BobG]

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog ****, 20 feet back."

 

[BobG]

A man was rushed to the hospital after a car wreck which left his entire left side paralyzed.

The doctor examined him and said, "He's going to be all right."

 

[BobG]

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
















A: Christopher Walken

 

[BobG]

Q: What does Mozart do now that he's dead?

A: He decomposes.

Okay, actually that's a 'dead joke', not a 'lame joke'. (I can't believe no one picked up on three 'lame jokes' in a row in a 'lame joke' thread.)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

 

[Gokul43201]

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A: Christopher Walken

Ooh! That's a a meanie!

 

[Mike Cookson]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

and

What do you call a dear with no eyes? A no eye dear (say it out loud). What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye dear :P

 

[matthyaouw]

What's brown and sits on the piano stool?




Beethoven's last movement.

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

Please tell me this isn't a true story!

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.

A woman forgets and leaves her handbag at a party. Someone notices and calls her on her cell phone to come back and get it. The handbag rings.

 

[proton]

what is the limit as the gpa approaches 0 of an engineering major?

an business major

 

[Mike Cookson]

What's the line integral of Eastern Europe?
Nothing, All the poles are in the west :P

I believe that is correct, but my brain isn't firing on all cylinders today.

 

[Poop-Loops]

Poland still counts as Eastern Europe I believe. If that's what you mean by "Pole" that is.

 

[Kurdt]

I think its relating to the fact that many poles are emigrating to western Europe.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Please tell me this isn't a true story!

It was copied from an email. That's all that I know.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

I think its relating to the fact that many poles are emigrating to western Europe.

Actually I worked in Southampton, and live near Portsmouth I think they're all here. There's bloody thousands of them. In fact I think the place I worked at would be screwed without them. Many of the cleaning staff and porters were Polish.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's brown and steams out of cows?

The Isle of Wight ferry (Cowes). English joke there, be glad if you don't get it.

What do you call an epileptic under a pile of leaves?

Russel.

 

[Danger]

Many of the menial staff were Polish.

Staff? I always thought that it was something that you clean furniture with.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Staff? I always thought that it was something that you clean furniture with.

It's also a disease: MRSA (Methicillin Resistant Stapholococus Aurieous) or something like that. Commonly called staph, or a staph infection. I don't mean to say the Polish are an infection, k before anyone says anything.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Not quite; MRSA is one type of staph infection.

: any of a genus (Staphylococcus) of nonmotile gram-positive spherical bacteria that occur singly, in pairs or tetrads, or in irregular clusters and include causative agents of various diseases (as skin infections, food poisoning, and endocarditis)

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/staphylococcus

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Yeah but that's what the nurses call it. If you say staph you mean MRSA. Food poisoning is usually broadly labelled as D&V.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Hmmmm, not here afaik, but that is an unfortunate generalization as there are many forms of staph infections that hospitals deal with daily. Here, historically at least, "staph" is or was a fairly general term used to describe any number of infections.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Hmmmm, not here afaik, but that is an unfortunate generalization as there are many forms of staph infections that hospitals deal with daily. Here, historically at least, "staph" is or was a fairly general term used to describe any number of infections.

I think its more due to the fact that MRSA is such a big deal atm. I could be wrong, but whenever they used it where I was working, it always referred to MRSA. Might be that was because I only ever heard about MRSA infections, but it seems unlikely. Can't say for sure, I could ask though. I'm still in contact with people who work there.

 

[mikelepore]

When is a farmer a really great farmer?

When he's out standing in his field.

 

[abushehab]

father's grave

there was a guy who ultimately loved video games; he would just play video games all day long, he became so obsessed with it that when his father died, he wrote GAME OVER on his father's grave

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

New housing developments:

Eaton Run
Lion Mews
Hedford Hills
Belly Acres

Any others?

 

[joeyar]

There were two friends, named Shut Up and Trouble. One day Shut Up lost trouble, so he went over to the police station. The officer asked 'Shut Up' what his name was. 'Shut Up' replied Shut Up. The officer said, 'You don't understand I'm in a position of high authority. I can lock you up if you keep up that sort of shenanigan. Now I'll try that again. What is your name?'. So Shut Up again said to the police officer 'Shut Up'. By now, the copper was getting very angry, and asked Shut up "are you looking for trouble?" Shut Up then replied "Yes mate, of course I am"

 

[noname-san]

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.
___________________________________________

Why was the basketball court wet?

The players dribbled all over it.
___________________________________________

Why are graveyards so noisy?

Because of all the coffin'.

 

[GregA]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said **** it, its only an egg!

 

[dusty2112]

funny/lame...

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto...

 

[lisab]

Two psychologists ran into each other on their way to work. One said to the other, "I made the funniest Freudian slip this morning! I was at the breakfast table, and I meant to say to my husband, 'Please pass the grape jelly, dear,' but what came out was. 'Damn you, you ruined my life!'"

 

[BobG]

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.


That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing


Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.


John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.


He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result.. The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the pullet surprise as well.

 

[shawlovesrats]

what did the nerd say to miss universe...?

you make my software, harware...


(thanks guys I am shaw and i love rats, long time forum reader first time poster :) )

 

[tribdog]

wow, and this is what you came up with? You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Well, you never get a second chance to make a good impression. I'm just kidding with you. okay lame jokes. hmm.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Shaw.
Shaw who?
Shawpping for a rat? I know a guy who just loves them.

 

[fuzzyfelt]

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.


That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing


Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.


John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.


He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result.. The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the pullet surprise as well.

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? He was out standing in his field.

 

[Math Jeans]

Ok. A physicist, an engineer, and a mathmatician are stranded on a desert island with only a can of beans to eat, but no can-opener.

The physicist says: "Ok. What we need to do is build a fire, put the can of beans on the fire and the pressure will build up and blow off the top of the can."

The engineer says: "No, no, no. That will blow the beans everywhere and we will lose our only food. We need to find a sharp rock and bash open the top of the can. That is the best way."

The mathematician says: "Wait! I've got it!: Assume a can-opener..."

 

[Topher925]

S: Heisenberg was driving really fast down the road and a cop pulls him over. The cop says "sir do you know how fast you were going" and then Heisenberg says "No, but I know exactly where I am!".

Q: What kind of fish has two knees?
A: A TuuNee Fish!

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A Fssssshhh.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

What did Karl Marx put on his pasta?

Communist manipesto.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://www.snorgtees.com/images/MyButtHurts_Fullpic_1.jpg
http://www.snorgtees.com/images/BodyOfAGod_Fullpic_1.gif
http://www.snorgtees.com/images/Dyslexics_Fullpic_1.gif
http://www.snorgtees.com/

 

[Helios]

\int \frac{d(cabin)}{(cabin)} = ?​

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

What did Karl Marx put on his pasta?

Communist manipesto.

Was he the one who said "Those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it"?

Mentors: I don't know if that has already been posted. If I have forgotten the post, you are doomed to delete it.

 

[Kurdt]

\int \frac{d(cabin)}{(cabin)} = ?​

A log cabin. Hilarious

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Was he the one who said "Those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it"?

I'm a sucker for dumb jokes.

 

[FrancisZ]

Did you hear the one about the two peanuts that got on the subway?

One of them was assaulted.

Lame, but cute.

 

[Emperor25]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"

 

[bassplayer142]

2 pirates are stranded on an island with only one bottle of water. They decide to ration it out between the two of them. One pirate points to the bottle and explains that he gets this half and that the other one gets the other half. In the morning the first pirate finds that all the water is gone. Angry, he demands an explanation from the other pirate. The other pirate says, "I had to go through your half of the bottle to get to mine".

 

[noumed]

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

2 pirates are stranded on an island with only one bottle of water. They decide to ration it out between the two of them. One pirate points to the bottle and explains that he gets this half and that the other one gets the other half. In the morning the first pirate finds that all the water is gone. Angry, he demands an explanation from the other pirate. The other pirate says, "I had to go through your half of the bottle to get to mine".

Then they discovered a second bottle of water. The first pirate said "Remember, the top half is yours and the bottom half is mine.". The next morning, all the water was gone again and there was a straw in the bottle.

 

[Enjoicube]

A log cabin. Hilarious

No, it's a house boat: ln(cabin)+c. You really went along with that joke.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I had to give the cat a bath today and I still can't get all of the hair out of my mouth.

 

[Gokul43201]

• Someone needled a well-known wit: "I had your wife, without paying a penny". He replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?"

• An Abderite sees a eunuch talking with a woman and asks him if she's his wife. The guy responds that a eunuch is unable to have a wife. "Ah, so she's your daughter? "

• A misogynist is attending to the burial of his wife, who has just died, when someone asks: "Who is it who rests in peace here?". He answers: "Me, now that I'm rid of her!"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7725079.stm

The 265 jokes in Philogelos are attributed to a pair of jokers called Hierocles and Philagrius, about whom very little is known.
...
The book has been translated by William Berg, an American professor of Classics.

"The text of Philogelos comes to us from several manuscripts ranging from the 11th to the 15th Centuries," Berg said.

"All of them trace back to an earlier original, probably - judging from the content and language - from the 4th Century."

 

[MrMister]

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.