Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who named his kids Jose and Hose B?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Not funny but noteworthy.

It seems that our sleepy town has hit the big time. We have had three murders in less than a month with all showing the same MO: The bodies were all found in the bathtub and covered with milk. The police suspect that we have a cereal killer.

 

[brewnog]

Thanks to Ivan, I've only just discovered this thread, but:

Why must you not wear Ukranian underpants?
Chernobyl Fallout!

 

[dextercioby]

Chernobyl is in Ukraine Now what u've written is really LAME...

Daniel.

 

[brewnog]

Oops! I really should have thought of that!

Well, it must be a really old joke...

 

[dextercioby]

Before 1917,that's really old...

Daniel.

 

[brewnog]

Heh yes, I'll edit the post to be more politically accurate.

Ta for the heads up!

 

[Galileo]

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

A: "Robin, get in the car."

 

[brewnog]

What did St Patrick say as he was driving all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are you alright there in the back?"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

It seems that Tibetans are quite the talkers. A Tibetan friend was just telling me that everywhere you go there it's yak, yak, yak.

 

[JFo]

A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?" To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!"

 

[Danger]

Did you hear about the lady who swallowed the Gillette razor blade?






She not only gave herself a hysterectomy, an appendectomy and a tonsillectomy; she also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, took two fingers off a casual acquaintance, gave the minister a hairlip... and still had five shaves left.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

WHAT? No more lame jokes? What's the world coming too.

Did you hear about the latest in thrill seeking gadgets? Since skydiving has been taken nearly to its ultimate limit with BASE jumping, there was only one thing left to do. The newest parachutes only open on impact.

 

[whozum]

This was the funniest thread ever.

Two elephants were walking down the beach, one turned to the other and said "Hey, I forgot my trunks"

Two muffins were gettin baked in the oven. One turned to ther other and said "Hey, its ****in hot in here", to which the other replied "Holy ****! A talking muffin!"

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

 

[1123581321]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

that is sick and uncalled for, which makes it great.

Fibonacci

 

[brewnog]

What's red and invisible?






No tomatoes!

 

[Averagesupernova]

A little girl is walking down along the docks one day. Piers actually, but anyway... She sees a pirate with a peg leg, hook hand and patch over one eye. Goes like this:

Girl: Mr. Pirate, why do you have a peg leg?
Pirate: Arrrrr! You see me lassie, I was standing on deck when large wave came about and flipped me into the see. It was then that a great shark bit me leg off. One of me crew pulled me aboard and I just stuck a broom stick handle on the end of me stump.

Girl: Ok Mr. Pirate, why do you have a hook hand?
Pirate: Arrrrrrrrr. I was watching me cook sharpen his knives and one of the knives slipped out of his hand and chopped me hand right off. I just used the biggest fishing hook we had and that's how I got me hook.

Girl: Ok Mr. Pirate, but how did you get the patch on your eye?
Pirate: Arrrrrr. I was look'n up at me flag to see which way the wind was from and a big bird flew over and pooped in me eye.
Girl: Was it a poison bird or something?
Pirate: Arrrrrrr. No, it was me first day with me hook!

 

[moose]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the hampster fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the monkey.


I'm sorry but, I still can't stop laughing at that one :D

 

[brewnog]

How do you get a clown off a swing?



Hit it in the face with an axe.

 

[primal schemer]

What would you call Postman Pat if he became unemployed?





Pat.


PS

 

[Ivan Seeking]

In a news story, it was mentioned that someone at Ebay sold a picture of Jesus. It was actually signed by Jesus!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

International symbol of marriage is Approved

New York-AP- On June 27th, 2005, after 5 years of heated debate, the Commission of Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage
http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/2847/marriagesymbol3bk.jpg

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yep!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 

[newp175]

Lame jokes huh? Everything in the science joke thread

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q. How do they make Alpha-Bits?
A. They use a cereal printer.

Ivan Seeking, you reminded me of this old one.

 

[JamesU]

From Pulp Fiction:

One day there was these three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. the baby tomato was walking too slow, so the daddy tomato went back, stepped on him and said ketchup!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The trial of Saddam Hussein ended today.

He was sentenced to a weekend of hunting with Dick Cheney.

 

[edward]

Why did the fox cross the road?

To eat the chicken.

 

[jimmy p]

There was a story in the newspaper about a 4ft fortune teller who escaped from jail. The headline was "Small medium at large"

 

[Mk]

There was a story in the newspaper about a 4ft fortune teller who escaped from jail. The headline was "Small medium at large"

ROFLCOPTERS! This one deserves a 3x3!




And the Jose and Hose B one!