Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

Bartlett, perhaps ?

We've been getting caught up on old episodes.

...the Barlett pair.

 

[Gokul43201]

I watched that episode a little after I read the joke. Made me smile despite the car-bomb in the Gaza.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.

Maybe it would help to introduce yourself as 6 of 9.

Babes love Star Trek

 

[Chrono]

That is a joke in itself... oh man... so true!

You get that, too, Jimmy? I swear, it never ceases to be funny to them.

 

[jimmy p]

You get that, too, Jimmy? I swear, it never ceases to be funny to them.

Maybe I should wear clothes when I ask them... I mean, yeah unless they don't have numbers. It sucks. Women suck. So do hoovers.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

 

[The Bob]

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

How do Elephants hide in Cherry Trees?






They paint their toe nails red.

The Bob (2004 ©)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree?






See how good it works.

 

[jimmy p]

Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree?






See how good it works.

That reminds me of a combined joke...

1.)Why did the elephant paint its testicles red?

To hide in the cherry tree

2.)What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

 

[The Bob]

That reminds me of a combined joke...

1.)Why did the elephant paint its testicles red?

To hide in the cherry tree

2.)What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

Nasty. *Wincing Smile Here*

The Bob (2004 ©)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

When asked how he felt about Roe vs Wade, Bush responded, "I prefer boats".

 

[Gokul43201]

When Condi suggested to Bush that perhaps they should plant some WMDs in Iraq, Bush replied, "But Condi, nothing grows in the desert !"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I went to the doctor for a vasectomy. He took one look at my face and said "you don't need one!"

I tell you I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!''

When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.

My Dentist told me my gums were shrinking. 'turns out I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H

Every time I get in an elevator the operator says the same thing to me: Basement? ''

I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. There was nobody home.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names -- hers and her mother's.

With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet

-- Rodney Dangerfield

 

[motai]

Muscially-themed lame jokes

Why can't skeletons play church music? They don't have any organs!

What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to? Plymouth Rock!

What would Mozart be doing if he was alive today? Probably screaming and clawing at the inside of his coffin.

What does Mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

 

[Argentum Vulpes]

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel down his paints. The bartender asked him about the steering wheel to which the pirate responded,

"Arrrrrrr, it's driving me nuts."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Words of wisdom: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.

 

[Chrono]

Witch parking: All others will be toad.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

While grocery shopping, an elderly lady asked the young produce man if she could have one half of a head of lettuce. "Half of head? We really don't do that", replied the young man. "You see", she continued, "I really don't eat very much and half of it always goes bad. I thought that maybe someone else could make use it". "Well..." [the man started to say] "...rather than throw it away", she insisted. Seeing that this woman was not going to be give up the young man went to the back of the store to ask the produce manager what to do. "This IDIOT woman keeps nagging me about wanting a half of a head of lettuce!", he shouted in protest. He had no sooner spoken that he saw that the woman had followed him. She had heard everything! ...and this is the nice lady who wants the other half...

 

[Chrono]

A new way of counting: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,10,11,12,...

What happened was seven ate nine.

Blame my professor for that one.

 

[BobG]

What's so funny about the first derivative of:

f(x)=\frac{r^3}{3}

In white:


f'(x)= (3r^2)/3*dr = r^2 dr = r r dr = r dr r
[/color]

(From The Simpsons, episode number 2)

 

[BobG]

Al Gore has finally given up politics and taken up his true calling as a drummer in a band. He's really good. He's come up with some of the most mathematically precise rhythms known to man.

In fact, people have taken to calling them "Al Gore Rhythms".

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who named his kids Jose and Hose B?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Not funny but noteworthy.

It seems that our sleepy town has hit the big time. We have had three murders in less than a month with all showing the same MO: The bodies were all found in the bathtub and covered with milk. The police suspect that we have a cereal killer.

 

[brewnog]

Thanks to Ivan, I've only just discovered this thread, but:

Why must you not wear Ukranian underpants?
Chernobyl Fallout!

 

[dextercioby]

Chernobyl is in Ukraine Now what u've written is really LAME...

Daniel.

 

[brewnog]

Oops! I really should have thought of that!

Well, it must be a really old joke...

 

[dextercioby]

Before 1917,that's really old...

Daniel.

 

[brewnog]

Heh yes, I'll edit the post to be more politically accurate.

Ta for the heads up!

 

[Galileo]

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

A: "Robin, get in the car."

 

[brewnog]

What did St Patrick say as he was driving all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are you alright there in the back?"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

It seems that Tibetans are quite the talkers. A Tibetan friend was just telling me that everywhere you go there it's yak, yak, yak.

 

[JFo]

A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?" To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!"

 

[Danger]

Did you hear about the lady who swallowed the Gillette razor blade?






She not only gave herself a hysterectomy, an appendectomy and a tonsillectomy; she also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, took two fingers off a casual acquaintance, gave the minister a hairlip... and still had five shaves left.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

WHAT? No more lame jokes? What's the world coming too.

Did you hear about the latest in thrill seeking gadgets? Since skydiving has been taken nearly to its ultimate limit with BASE jumping, there was only one thing left to do. The newest parachutes only open on impact.

 

[whozum]

This was the funniest thread ever.

Two elephants were walking down the beach, one turned to the other and said "Hey, I forgot my trunks"

Two muffins were gettin baked in the oven. One turned to ther other and said "Hey, its ****in hot in here", to which the other replied "Holy ****! A talking muffin!"

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

 

[1123581321]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

that is sick and uncalled for, which makes it great.

Fibonacci

 

[brewnog]

What's red and invisible?






No tomatoes!

 

[Averagesupernova]

A little girl is walking down along the docks one day. Piers actually, but anyway... She sees a pirate with a peg leg, hook hand and patch over one eye. Goes like this:

Girl: Mr. Pirate, why do you have a peg leg?
Pirate: Arrrrr! You see me lassie, I was standing on deck when large wave came about and flipped me into the see. It was then that a great shark bit me leg off. One of me crew pulled me aboard and I just stuck a broom stick handle on the end of me stump.

Girl: Ok Mr. Pirate, why do you have a hook hand?
Pirate: Arrrrrrrrr. I was watching me cook sharpen his knives and one of the knives slipped out of his hand and chopped me hand right off. I just used the biggest fishing hook we had and that's how I got me hook.

Girl: Ok Mr. Pirate, but how did you get the patch on your eye?
Pirate: Arrrrrr. I was look'n up at me flag to see which way the wind was from and a big bird flew over and pooped in me eye.
Girl: Was it a poison bird or something?
Pirate: Arrrrrrr. No, it was me first day with me hook!

 

[moose]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the hampster fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the monkey.


I'm sorry but, I still can't stop laughing at that one :D

 

[brewnog]

How do you get a clown off a swing?



Hit it in the face with an axe.

 

[primal schemer]

What would you call Postman Pat if he became unemployed?





Pat.


PS

 

[Ivan Seeking]

In a news story, it was mentioned that someone at Ebay sold a picture of Jesus. It was actually signed by Jesus!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

International symbol of marriage is Approved

New York-AP- On June 27th, 2005, after 5 years of heated debate, the Commission of Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage
http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/2847/marriagesymbol3bk.jpg

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yep!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 

[newp175]

Lame jokes huh? Everything in the science joke thread

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q. How do they make Alpha-Bits?
A. They use a cereal printer.

Ivan Seeking, you reminded me of this old one.

 

[JamesU]

From Pulp Fiction:

One day there was these three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. the baby tomato was walking too slow, so the daddy tomato went back, stepped on him and said ketchup!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The trial of Saddam Hussein ended today.

He was sentenced to a weekend of hunting with Dick Cheney.

 

[edward]

Why did the fox cross the road?

To eat the chicken.

 

[jimmy p]

There was a story in the newspaper about a 4ft fortune teller who escaped from jail. The headline was "Small medium at large"

 

[Mk]

There was a story in the newspaper about a 4ft fortune teller who escaped from jail. The headline was "Small medium at large"

ROFLCOPTERS! This one deserves a 3x3!




And the Jose and Hose B one!