Collection of Lame Jokes

[DaveC426913]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Arjan82]

you use the celsius scale

 

[Orodruin]

you use the celsius scale
View attachment 347349

Rankine …

 

[berkeman]

"How Canadians are Born" -- Looks pretty accurate to me, eh?

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 347347

Delisle. Melting point.

Many people these days measure in Rømer.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nuuskur]

Took me a second. Cher / Chair

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[docnet]

 

[berkeman]

And for the cutest thing you'll see all day... Baby Olympics!

 

[phinds]

Some of Lewis Grizzard's better ones:

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

for example:

In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

And my personal favorite, because I identify so strongly with it:

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

 

[phinds]

I don't know WHAT the hell is going on here, but I still found it hilarious.

 

[docnet]

 

[WWGD]

I ran into a dyslexic extraterrestrial: "Take me to your dealer". Or was it just an addict?

 

[jtbell]

Extraterrestrial mouse: "Take me to your Liederkranz!"

 

[gmax137]

Extraterrestrial mouse: "Take me to your Liederkranz!"

Oh thanks, now I have another cheese to look for, lol.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 347413

$\mathrm{sheep\rightarrow oveja}$

(Translated sheep.)

 

[DrGreg]

$\mathrm{sheep\rightarrow oveja}$

(Translated sheep.)

$\mathrm{37\,sheep\rightarrow 40\,sheep}$

(Rounded-up sheep.)

 

[gmax137]

$\mathrm{Z Z Z Z z z z z z...\rightarrow counted\,sheep}$

 

[Ibix]

Sheep $\rightarrow$ dǝǝɥS

(Rotated sheep.)

 

[Ibix]

What do you get if you cross a lizard with a sheep?

Scaled sheep.

 

[BillTre]

D'Arcy Thompson (1860-1948) was famous for these kinds of distortions as a way to interpret animal forms: