Collection of Lame Jokes

[quddusaliquddus]

Lamest joke you know ... :zzz:

 

[jimmy p]

My dad was a pistol, that makes me a son of a gun...

 

[Artman]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."

 

[jimmy p]

A man walks into a bar... ouch

 

[arildno]

-Watch out for the vacuum cleaner!
-What vacuuuuuuuuuuu...

 

[Jenn_ucsb]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?...


...a stick

 

[Artman]

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The first dirty joke that my parents told me: A white horse fell in the mud.

Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.

 

[enigma]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"

 

[quddusaliquddus]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"

...sorry. This joke doesn't qualify to be in this thread as in my opinion it is funny

 

[enigma]

Oh, I think it's hilarious too...

But the groan-to-laugh ratio is up around 90% when I tell it.

 

[Hurkyl]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

 

[quddusaliquddus]

Maaaan! LOL. I'm a sucker for lame jokes! Hurkyl - u deserved a prize 4 urs ;D

 

[Hurkyl]

I generally dislike that type of humor, but this one is just too good to ignore.

 

[jimmy p]

What is green, has 8 legs and will kill you if it falls from a tree??

A snooker table.

 

[Shahil]

...terrible...

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway!

 

[Echo 6 Sierra]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was stapled to Sid Vicious.

 

[Njorl]

I dated a girl who was a magician. She put her hand on my lap and I turned into a motel!

 

[jimmy p]

What is long, brown and runs around the garden??

A fence.

 

[Andy]

Why do women wear make up and perfume?








Because they're Ugly and Smelly.

 

[Math Is Hard]

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that says NO STRINGS ALLOWED. Dejectedly, the piece of string leaves the bar... but then he has an idea. He ruffles out his edges a little bit and ties himself into a bow. Then he walks back into the bar, hops up on the barstool, and again orders a beverage. The bartender is deceived by the string's appearance only for a moment.
"hey...what are you doing back in here?" says the bartender. "You're that piece of string aren't you?"

"No Sir!" says the string, "I'm a frayed knot!"

 

[Trogdor]

What's black and white and has wheels?

a zebra! and i lied about the wheels

 

[Stockman]

Q: Which car is the biggest car A: The big car

 

[quddusaliquddus]

Where will i b @ today? - for those people who want to know - yes u people -

I am going to my exam @ 2.30 but i will go out @ 2. I will afterwards head to the fees department to get the crap sorted out...or i might come straight home. i am stil undecided. my exam lasts 2 hours so it ends @ 4.30 (i think-need to chek this). I might come out earlier than that because I might not b able to do anymore. Hope ur satisfied. i will go via harford street n my exam is in BSM 115.

 

[BoulderHead]

A man walks into a bar and proclaims;
I’m feeling mean enough tonight to whip a bear!
Following that, a burly giant of a man walks over to him and asks;
and just what kind of a bear would that be?
The first man uses his thumb and forefinger to illustrate his point as he responds;
a liiiiitle bitty bear!

 

[sun_universal]

:surprise: Why does a chicken say buck buck ?


Cause it can't say two dollars!

 

[Gokul43201]

Rudi looks out the window of his Moscow apartment and says to his wife "Honey ! It's going to rain." The wife disagrees, on account of the bright sun and no clouds. Nevertheless, it starts to pour in a few minutes. The baffled wife askes Rudi how he knew.

Comes the reply, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear !"

 

[Chrono]

Let me try, here.

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A 1997 World Hide-and-Seek champion.

Did you hear about the two ants on the toilet seat? One of them got pissed off.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

not quite a joke, but...

I'm as busy as a one legged man in a tap dancing contest.

Did you hear about Bush's mission to the sun?
How you ask?
They plan to go at night.

 

[physicsisphirst]

Lamest joke you know ... :zzz:

A Lemur once had a big toe
Which continued to grow and grow
It became so long
He had to hobble along
So they called him LAMEur you know

The above is an example of a LAMErick. If you don't like it don't bLAME me - I'm not cLAMEing that it is funny, so you may as well just start LAMEnting.

In fiendship,
prad

 

[Gokul43201]

Wow, "in fiendship" ? Guess there's a first time for everything.

By the way...that LAMErick was LAMEntable.

 

[physicsisphirst]

Wow, "in fiendship" ? Guess there's a first time for everything.

but not the last, if the opportunity ever presents itself!

By the way...that LAMErick was LAMEntable.

i'm glad you liked it. some others of my acquaintance were somewhat impressed too. in fact, they found it quite gLAMErous. But then there are those less civilized who would try to LAMEbast me for it.

in friendship,
prad

 

[jimmy p]

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish

 

[Chrono]

I don't get it, Jimmy.

 

[BobG]

That's because you're not a surrealist.

But, how is that a joke? It's a statement of fact... just like the meaning of life is 42.

 

[Chrono]

That's because you're not a surrealist.

Is that a good thing?

 

[BobG]

Surrealism: the principles, ideals, or practice of producing fantastic or incongruous imagery or effects in art, literature, film, or theater by means of unnatural juxtapositions and combinations.

Answering "fish" to a question about lightbulbs is an unnatural combination - hence the association to surrealists.

Or answering 42 to a question about the meaning of life (Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy).

 

[Chrono]

I get it now.

 

[jimmy p]

Ok... so that one didnt go down too well

Q. How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?


A. Two. One to screw it most the way and the other to give it a surprise twist.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Boy that is baaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddd.

Okay just for that...

I stepped in a hole and now I hobble.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear that Dave bought a clone? Unfortunately this clone was rather obnoxious. He would spit and cuss and belch and make lewd and lascivious gestures at the neighbors. This behavior got worse and worse until one day Dave had all he could take. He grabbed the clone by the collar, dragged him onto the roof of a high rise building and threw him over the edge. Dave was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

 

[Kalimaa23]

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish

Some variants :

Q : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A : Aardvark on toast.

Q : How many dadaïsts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A : Bathtub full of tools.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Dave was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

OOhhhh! heee heee hee! That was fit pun-ishment for my previous post!

 

[Imparcticle]

If your mom's a dishwasher and your dad's a dryer, why is the football on top of the dog house?

















A. Pigs don't fly for ten-issues.

 

[Gokul43201]

Man walks into a bar with his ostrich. They sit down at the bar, and the man orders a beer. The bartender asks the ostrich "what'll you have ?" to which it replies "whatever he's having". They down their drinks and the bartender tells the man "that'll be a dollar and fifty eight, sir". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change - without even looking - pays the barman, and leaves with his ostrich.

This same thing happens every day for the next few days, and the bartender is curious as hell. So he asks the man to tell all. This is what the guy says :

"One day, I found this little lamp, which I rubbed, and out came a genie and granted me 2 wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay for anything, I'd just have to reach in my pocket, and the right amount would be there."

"Why, that's brilliant", says the bartender. "Most people would ask for unlimited wealth, but you get the same deal without all the hassle. And what was your second wish ?"

Replies the man, with a frown, " I asked for a tall chick, with long legs, that would always agree with me."

 

[The_Professional]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Little boy blue

Little boy blue who?

Michael Jackson

 

[photon]

How many lame people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

 

[plover]

Lame math jokes my parents taught me... (what? your parents didn't teach you any?)

\int \frac{1}{cabin}\ dcabin


Q: What's purple and commutes?

A: An Abelian grape!


Q: And what's this?

<br /> \displaystyle{\underset{\circ \circ}{\Omega}}<br />

A: A mobile ohm!

 

[BoulderHead]

I've told this one before, but it's still quite lame and should do nicely here.

A man walks into a bar and proclaims with a loud voice; I'm feeling mean enough right now to whop a bear.
A very large and powerfully built man, smelling of alcohol, straddles up to him and asks; Just what kind of a bear are you talking about?
To which the first man, gesturing with a thumb and forefinger, replies; A little bitty bear!