Collection of Lame Jokes

[gmax137]

Extraterrestrial mouse: "Take me to your Liederkranz!"

Oh thanks, now I have another cheese to look for, lol.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 347413

$\mathrm{sheep\rightarrow oveja}$

(Translated sheep.)

 

[DrGreg]

$\mathrm{sheep\rightarrow oveja}$

(Translated sheep.)

$\mathrm{37\,sheep\rightarrow 40\,sheep}$

(Rounded-up sheep.)

 

[gmax137]

$\mathrm{Z Z Z Z z z z z z...\rightarrow counted\,sheep}$

 

[Ibix]

Sheep $\rightarrow$ dǝǝɥS

(Rotated sheep.)

 

[Ibix]

What do you get if you cross a lizard with a sheep?

Scaled sheep.

 

[BillTre]

D'Arcy Thompson (1860-1948) was famous for these kinds of distortions as a way to interpret animal forms:

 

[dwarde]

 

[Orodruin]

A sheep you buy for €1: Cheap sheep.

 

[WWGD]

Exhibit by Paul Serat has just opened, titled :
" Que Seurat, Seurat, whatever will be, will be".

 

[phinds]

 

[Borg]

Why can't Americans switch from pounds to kilograms?
Because there would be mass confusion.

 

[fresh_42]

Why can't Americans switch from pounds to kilograms?
Because there would be mass confusion.

The real problem starts when you try to follow baking recipes and have no idea how big their cups and teaspoons are.

 

[Borg]

What kind of vehicle has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

 

[gmax137]

The real problem starts when you try to follow baking recipes and have no idea how big their cups and teaspoons are.

A teaspoon is eight dashes. A cup is 48 teaspoons (16 tablespoons). We learned all this in third grade.

 

[Borg]

I saw a new exhibit at the museum today.

 

[phinds]

A teaspoon is eight dashes. A cup is 48 teaspoons (16 tablespoons). We learned all this in third grade.

And then promptly forgot it.

 

[gmax137]

And then promptly forgot it.

I remember asking my 3rd grade teacher, "Miss McKinney, do we really need to know all this stuff?" She replied, "oh yes, in about 60 years some guy in Germany is going to ask you, on the tiny computer you hold in your hand..."

 

[fresh_42]

I remember asking my 3rd grade teacher, "Miss McKinney, do we really need to know all this stuff?" She replied, "oh yes, in about 60 years some guy in Germany is going to ask you, on the tiny computer you hold in your hand..."

 

[DaveC426913]

"Welcome, ladies, to class 1 of 'Upping your Sexy Game'. Let's start off with a few simple exercises. Give me your best 'Come hither' look. Good. Now bite your lip sexily."

: horror and alarm :

"Good, uh, good. Now let's try that again, but this time bite your lower lip."

 

[jack action]

A teaspoon is eight dashes. A cup is 48 teaspoons (16 tablespoons). We learned all this in third grade.

That is really helpful, except:

The unit of measurement varies by region: a United States liquid tablespoon is approximately 14.8 ml (0.50 US fl oz), a European, United Kingdom and Canadian tablespoon is exactly 15 ml (0.51 US fl oz), and an Australian tablespoon is 20 ml (0.68 US fl oz [ or 4 teaspoons ] ).

And then someone says: "But an imperial tablespoon is 17.758 ml ..."

You know ... third-grader stuff.

 

[fresh_42]

That is really helpful, except:

And then someone says: "But an imperial tablespoon is 17.758 ml ..."

You know ... third-grader stuff.

Someone gave me a link to a website that converts these things into grams and milliliters. I regularly fall into despair when I read these cups and spoons where it's all about exact measures. You cannot bake a pie with an approximate amount of flour or sugar. Too bad that I have no idea where I saved that link. Guess, I will further stick to ready-made mixes for my pancakes.

 

[gmax137]

You cannot bake a pie with an approximate amount of flour or sugar.

True, but the temperature and humidity in the kitchen, the size of the eggs, etc. all affect the "correct" proportions. And the specifics of your oven, your altitude, and so on affect how it bakes. So the recipes are approximate starting points only.

All that is not to say I disagree with the advantages of standardized units.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Orodruin]

True, but the temperature and humidity in the kitchen, the size of the eggs, etc. all affect the "correct" proportions. And the specifics of your oven, your altitude, and so on affect how it bakes. So the recipes are approximate starting points only.

All that is not to say I disagree with the advantages of standardized units.

 

[nsaspook]

A Spanish captain of a Navy ship in the 1800s was on Duty as they sailed a scout yells up to the Captain "I see 2 enemy ships on the horizon" The Captain yells out "Bring me my red shirt" his 1st mate asked "Why a red Shirt" The Captain responds "I wear a red Shirt because if I am wounded in battle the men won't see the blood and continue fighting" A week goes by and the Scout yells up to the Captain "I see 20 enemy ships on the horizon" The Captain looks around frantically and yells "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS"

 

[nsaspook]

That is really helpful, except:

And then someone says: "But an imperial tablespoon is 17.758 ml ..."

You know ... third-grader stuff.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 347530

I read from a man, many years ago, who shot his computer. They arrested him but I understood him. Profanity isn't insanity, it is a necessity.

 

[fizzchem]

Magnetic hyperthermia by A. C. Fields

 

[berkeman]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

View attachment 347586

Convention time?
They need a Jurassic Park jeep!

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 340378

If a dog poops in the forest (or a vacant lot) where nobody can smell it, does it still stink?

A few months ago I showed you this sign when it was still new. It appears that since then, some dog has expressed an opinion about it.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[collinsmark]

View attachment 347518

 

[dwarde]

 

[nsaspook]

Soviet Joke:

Three men are sitting in a cell in (the KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, who replies, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail. He answers, "I'm Karl Radek."

 

[davenn]

Karl Radek

I had to google the name to find out who he was .... interesting history

 

[berkeman]

 

[berkeman]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jack action]