Ending Relationships: What's a Reasonable Excuse?

[dduardo]

You have take them into the boardroom and tell them: Your Fired!

 

[Smurf]

I will assume you are not asking us to make up excuses for you; rather seeking guidance whether your partner has crossed the line when s/he kissed someone else.

No really, this has nothing to do with me... seriously.

Single now, have been for months, don't see it changing any time soon.

Even if you're okay this once, you may be thinking that you do not want to act as if to encourage a repeat episode. In that case you may want to have a talk so it will not be repeated -- or else.

Actually I did that in my last relationship. I felt horrible afterwards. Like I was threatening the relationship.

 

[EnumaElish]

For example, if your partner kissed someone else - ("accidently" or not) would you find that valid reason to break up with them? Explain.

Your first question should be, "would you find about that?"

I'd like to think it'll depend on who, where, why, and where.

 

[Moonbear]

In the first scenario, Jane is resentful that Ed won't go to bed early with her every night, she resents that he has other things he likes to do late at night. She feels that if he "loved" her, he'd rather go to bed with her than stay up. She also resents that he won't get up early with her and she complains constantly that she feels abandoned. Ed thinks Jane is a harpie and wonders why he ever married her since she knew he has always been this way. Jane says she always hated Ed's sleeping habits and expected Ed would change after they got married.

That's not compromise in my book, that's both digging their heels in and expecting their partner to cave into their wishes without giving anything in return. Compromise means both people give a little and get a little. The second example you gave is what I consider compromise, finding a way to make their differences work without anyone being forced to do something they don't want to do.

Second scenario, Jane realizes that Ed likes to unwind at night doing certain things alone when it's quiet. She understands this and doesn't mind. She's glad that Ed is happy to be at home reading, it makes her feel good. She's emotionally secure. She also has her own interests and is capable of occupying herself early in the morning when Ed is sleeping, she's not so pathetic that she can't function unless he's sitting across from her. Ed understands that Jane is an early riser and that she goes to bed early. That's ok, he has things he enjoys doing while she is asleep, he doesn't feel that she's ignoring him. Ed and Jane spend quality time together even after 20 years of marriage because they were honest about their feelings about their different schedules and didn't go into the marriage with ridiculous expectations.

 

[Evo]

I agree.

People don't seem to get that there is healthy compromise and destructive compromise. If both parties are angry that they were forced to concede something they enjoyed, that's not a good compromise, yet I hear these complaints from people all the time.

 

[Smurf]

So if you lot are so great at relationships... why are you all still single?

 

[Moonbear]

So if you lot are so great at relationships... why are you all still single?

We have higher standards than those who jump into a destructive relationship with the first guy they found. I'm waiting for one of those really great guys with an unappreciative wife to get freed up since there aren't too many left in circulation.

 

[Evo]

So if you lot are so great at relationships... why are you all still single?

Because we're wise enough to know when it's time to end an unhealthy relationship.

 

[Smurf]

... yet not wise enough to start a healthy enough one.

 

[Evo]

... yet not wise enough to start a healthy enough one.

You're assuming (incorrectly I might add) that there is a wealth of sane men available.

 

[Smurf]

Nonsense, there are plenty. You just havn't learned how to find them.

 

[zoobyshoe]

For example, if your partner kissed someone else - ("accidently" or not) would you find that valid reason to break up with them? Explain.

Let's get back to this.

Personally, I wouldn't have broken up with a girlfriend because of this "accidental" kiss thing. I wouldn't have broken up because of a deliberate kiss. In fact, I have twice had girlfriends have sex wth other guys while they were supposedly going with me, and I didn't break up with them for that, either. In both cases they were mad at me and did it to make me angry or jealous or something, and, rather than feel upset, it just struck me as kind of silly of them.

The reason I think it didn't bother me at all was because it was clear their feelings for me were intact and the same as ever. It was a childish ploy for my benefit, and didn't result from some inner withdrawal from me. In both cases they had no desire to be involved with the other person instead of me, or to even see them again.
---
A friend I had in College told me how she had once been really attacted to a married man. It was mutual. She was friends with him and his wife. He confessed to his wife, and after thinking it over she gave them both permission to have sex and get it out of their system. That permission ended up taking the forbiddenness away, and they both lost interest in persuing it. They never had sex, but stayed friends.

 

[Smurf]

In both cases they were mad at me and did it to make me angry or jealous or something, and, rather than feel upset, it just struck me as kind of silly of them.

If that had happened to me I wouldn't have thought twice about never seeing them again... amazing.

 

[whozum]

If that had happened to me I wouldn't have thought twice about never seeing them again... amazing.

Most people share your point of view.
I agree with zooby though.

 

[zoobyshoe]

If that had happened to me I wouldn't have thought twice about never seeing them again... amazing.

If this had happened to me when I was your age, I might well have dumped them. I was only just starting to get the notion that jealousy was sort of pathological in a lot of cases. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, I was de-jealousized enough to consider their motivations as the important factor, not the mere event itself.

 

[Smurf]

So.. explain to me why you wouldn't care..

 

[Evo]

Personally, I wouldn't have broken up with a girlfriend because of this "accidental" kiss thing. I wouldn't have broken up because of a deliberate kiss. In fact, I have twice had girlfriends have sex wth other guys while they were supposedly going with me, and I didn't break up with them for that, either. In both cases they were mad at me and did it to make me angry or jealous or something, and, rather than feel upset, it just struck me as kind of silly of them.

I wouldn't have broken up with them because of the sex, I would have broken up with them for being that stupid, immature, and inconsiderate. I would never stay in a relationship with someone that acted like that, I expect the person in my life to have a functioning brain.

 

[zoobyshoe]

So.. explain to me why you wouldn't care..

It's like I said, their feelings hadn't changed for me, the whole thing was a ploy to get a rise out of me, to try to force me to be more "passionate". They had no interest in these other guys.

 

[Evo]

It's like I said, their feelings hadn't changed for me, the whole thing was a ploy to get a rise out of me, to try to force me to be more "passionate". They had no interest in these other guys.

In other words, insensitive, they care only about themselves, it's all about them, and will do anything to make it about them. Those were real gems! "If you don't give me what I want, I will sleep with other people!"

 

[zoobyshoe]

I wouldn't have broken up with them because of the sex, I would have broken up with them for being that stupid, immature, and inconsiderate. I would never stay in a relationship with someone that acted like that, I expect the person in my life to have a functioning brain.

They were both actually very bright women. They just hadn't run into anyone like me before. I exasperated them. With no intention of doing so.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I think it depends a lot on what you consider to be important in a relationship and what you can or cannot live with in a relationship.
I will not stand to carry on a relationship with someone I can not trust. The kiss showed me that I could not trust her. The fact that she lied about it just showed me further that I could not trust her and more or less cemented me in my decision. Had I been with her longer and been more attached I may have given the situation some more thought and I may have forgiven her had she handled the situation in a more forgivable manner.


Evo and Moonie I am so happy to see that there are women out there who get it! You have given me hope. I was about to think that all women out there were either too selfabsorbed or too willing to be walked all over. Thank you!

 

[Evo]

They were both actually very bright women. They just hadn't run into anyone like me before. I exasperated them. With no intention of doing so.

There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. They wanted attention, so they were willing to do anything, no matter how much it might hurt you, in order to get it. There is a word for women like that. I believe it's BYATCH.

 

[Smurf]

Evo and Moonie I am so happy to see that there are women out there who get it! You have given me hope. I was about to think that all women out there were either too selfabsorbed or too willing to be walked all over. Thank you!

You might try dating guys for a while...

 

[Smurf]

There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. They wanted attention, so they were willing to do anything, no matter how much it might hurt you, in order to get it. There is a word for women like that. I believe it's BEAAAATCH.

I think the proper spelling is "Byatch"

 

[Evo]

I think the proper spelling is "Byatch"

Oooh, much better, thanks!

 

[zoobyshoe]

There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. They wanted attention, so they were willing to do anything, no matter how much it might hurt you, in order to get it. There is a word for women like that. I believe it's BYATCH.

Labels, labels, labels.

Two people get together and they relate to each other in some way, shape or form. Each time that happens, it's a special case, idiosynchratic to those two people.

 

[Smurf]

To each their own, I guess. I (personally) don't like sluts.

 

[Evo]

Zoob, that kind of behavior is immature, it shows they have no respect for others, it shows that only how they feel is what matters. If you're ok with that, then, what can I say. I would never tolerate that.

TSA, I believe that the majority of women aren't psycho, it just seems that way. You are a gem my dear.

Smurf, good for you. Guys, don't let women treat you like something they just stepped in and need to scrape off their shoes. I've known women that behave as mentioned and believe me, they have no love for anyone but themselves and certainly no respect.

 

[moose]

Ehhh, a girlfriend sleeping with other guys to make you angry really isn't something which a sane woman with a fully functioning brain would do... Seems rather selfish too, along with immature and just slutty.

 

[Smurf]

Hey zoob, you're getting heat for being too tolerant.