Ending Relationships: What's a Reasonable Excuse?

[Astronuc]

Both Moonbear and Evo have given good advice.

Perhaps one should be careful when establishing a relationship. Learn about each other first before committing - a very simple and straightforward approach. I am surprised by the number of people who find that the person with whom they have a relationship is not the same person whom they knew before the relationship.

If one does discover that one's heart is not in the relationship, or if one decides to 'break' the relationship (and I would expect one to understand (know) the reason), then be respectful of the other person and be honest. There is no need for excuses.

There is no need to break a relationship if one is careful to establish a good (healthy) relationship in the first place.

My grandparents and my parents are marvelous examples. My parents will celebrate 50 years of marriage next year, and I will have been married 25 years the following year - and counting.

Smurf - you would be very fortunate if you find someone like Evo, Moonbear or any of the other PF sisters!

 

[Smurf]

Smurf - you would be very fortunate if you find someone like Evo, Moonbear or any of the other PF sisters!

No doubt.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Zoob, that kind of behavior is immature, it shows they have no respect for others, it shows that only how they feel is what matters.

OK, let me ask you what advice you would have given them on how to deal with me when they were thus exasperated.

 

[Smurf]

OK, let me ask you what advice you would have given them on how to deal with me when they were thus exasperated.

How exactly were they exasperated? What on Earth do you mean by that? And I wouldn't have told them to go sleep with someone else...

 

[zoobyshoe]

How exactly were they exasperated?

They felt I wasn't passionate enough about them, affectionate enough, talkative enough, communicative enough, all that stuff.

And I wouldn't have told them to go sleep with someone else...

No, I'm not saying that was an inevitable course of action, either, and it certainly didn't work, I'm only saying it didn't bother me very much at all.

 

[Evo]

OK, let me ask you what advice you would have given them on how to deal with me when they were thus exasperated.

zooby you are so cool, so incredible, I adore you. What the hell were they expecting? Were you fake when you first met them? Did you pretend to be something different so when the real you came out they were surprised?

I think the fact that you were so different attracted them and they wanted to be the one that would tame you, the one to control you, they wanted that power. I am speaking from direct experience with controlling, psycho women. Women like that cannot be reasoned with. Believe me, I have tried. I have cut off relations with women like this because I didn't want to be guilty by association.

What would I do? If you were intentionally mean to me, I would leave. If you were aloof, absorbed in other things, I would ask myself if this was the type of person I would enjoy being with. If the answer was no, I would leave. I would never try to control another person. I am secure enough that I don't need to be bound at the hip to someone. I figure they had a life before they met me and would hope they would continue after we met. I mean, how they are would be what attracted me to them in the first place, right? I also have a life and expect anyone I meet to either accept who I am if they want to date me, or move along.

 

[moose]

They felt I wasn't passionate enough about them, affectionate enough, talkative enough, communicative enough, all that stuff.
.

They should have told you flat out, or hinted it, or even left you if it was that big of an issue for them. If you cannot think of a better way for them to have communicated that you were unpassionate than what they did, then there is seriously something wrong with the way you think.

They should have known how you were and if they didn't like it well...

 

[Evo]

They felt I wasn't passionate enough about them, affectionate enough, talkative enough, communicative enough, all that stuff.

Well, you know what, if they want something you're not, then they need to move along if they aren't secure enough to deal with it. Thinking of ways to hurt you so that you'll pay more attention is psycho.

 

[Smurf]

They should have told you flat out, or hinted it, or even left you if it was that big of an issue for them.

Exactly, hense: Slut.

 

[Smurf]

zooby you are so cool, so incredible, I adore you.

Really? I was kind of just thinking that this could be a sign of low self-esteem or devalued confidence. He's obviously making himself out to be the cause of these girls going slutty on him.

 

[zoobyshoe]

zooby you are so cool, so incredible, I adore you. What the hell were they expecting? Were you fake when you first met them? Did you pretend to be something different so when the real you came out they were surprised?

There is a dichotomy in my behavior which was a big part of the problem. It's not a matter of being fake and then the real person coming out, it is what I think would be called a "cyclothymic" disorder, which is like a mild version of bipolar disorder. In other words, sometimes I'm really "up": very expansive and entertaining, but other times I'm quite depressed, withdrawn, and touchy. Hence, the exasperation factor.

If you were aloof, absorbed in other things, I would ask myself if this was the type of person I would enjoy being with. If the answer was no, I would leave.

This is pretty reasonable. I think this would have been good advise for someone to give them.

 

[zoobyshoe]

They should have told you flat out...

Oh, they did. Quite directly and plainly, many times.

 

[Smurf]

Have you been diagnosed with this.. "cyclothymic" disorder?

 

[moose]

Oh, they did. Quite directly and plainly, many times.

If they wanted it that much, why did they remain with you? Why did they want to change who you are, which isn't possible?

 

[JamesU]

is smurf dumping Evo? it's okay evo, have a pickle...

<chomp, sob>

*sneaks off to mentor forum and finds some GOOBF cards...*

 

[zoobyshoe]

Have you been diagnosed with this.. "cyclothymic" disorder?

Nope. I have been to shrinks about the depression, though, and have gotten that diagnosis. I've mentioned that I feel what seems to me to be unnaturally "up" at times, but they just said that's what it feels like to be normal and not depressed. Regardless, people around me notice, and remark upon, the difference.

 

[moose]

is smurf dumping Evo? it's okay evo, have a pickle...

<chomp, sob>

*sneaks off to mentor forum and finds some GOOBF cards...*

Welcome to page 1?

 

[zoobyshoe]

If they wanted it that much, why did they remain with you? Why did they want to change who you are, which isn't possible?

I doubt if they would have thought of it as changing who I was.

 

[Smurf]

just how you act then? :rollseyes:

 

[whozum]

If they wanted it that much, why did they remain with you? Why did they want to change who you are, which isn't possible?

So many people think they can do this but it's not possible. People even think they can change themselves to conform to what one person wants, but usually its a failure also. I think we all do it in one way or another though, its somewhat subconscious

 

[zoobyshoe]

zooby you are so cool, so incredible, I adore you.

Really? I was kind of just thinking that this could be a sign of low self-esteem or devalued confidence. He's obviously making himself out to be the cause of these girls going slutty on him.

Incidently, Smurf, I must kill you for this response to Evo's compliments of me.

 

[Moonbear]

Nope. I have been to shrinks about the depression, though, and have gotten that diagnosis. I've mentioned that I feel what seems to me to be unnaturally "up" at times, but they just said that's what it feels like to be normal and not depressed. Regardless, people around me notice, and remark upon, the difference.

That can be really tough in a relationship. If you meet someone during a time when the depression is mild or absent, and they think you're this great, up-beat guy, then you sink into a sullen period, they may not be prepared for that change in moods. I don't know if at the time you already were aware of your depression, or if that's when you first became aware of it. The best I can suggest is that when you meet a woman, you let her know right up front that you're struggling with depression, whether or not you can/will alleviate it with medication, and how often you experience it and for how long. That way, she can decide if she's prepared to deal with that as a factor of your personality, plus when it happens, she isn't caught off guard about it, left thinking she's doing something wrong that you've begun to withdraw.

 

[SpaceTiger]

For example, if your partner kissed someone else - ("accidently" or not) would you find that valid reason to break up with them?

As many have already pointed out, it's not a matter of justifying it to them, since you should break up whenever you feel the need to. A better question is whether or not this implies something about that person that you won't be able to live with in the long run. It might mean that they're "loose", or it might just mean that you need to be more affectionate/attentive. Or maybe both. That's something only you can decide.

As for me, it depends on the circumstances, but I generally give my girlfriends a lot of attention, so there's no excuse for them doing anything like that behind my back. It did happen to me once and I did eventually break up with the girl, though not at the time it happened. If it were to happen now, I would probably break up with them right away. I suppose I might be more understanding if it were a long distance relationship, but it's still a lousy thing to do.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I don't know if at the time you already were aware of your depression, or if that's when you first became aware of it.

This is the thing. This was all 25 years ago, and at that time I had no conception of the notion of clinical depression. Most people didn't. I just considered myself vaguely maladjusted, or tempermental or whatever. Now, being aware of what's going on, I don't get nearly so bad. It would be an exaggeration to say I'm "struggling" with depression, because it isn't that intrusive at this point.

 

[Gale]

bah, i can't post in here without sounding like a horrible girl...
hmm... how about i say... some girls do want guys like zooby... even though he's difficult... and um... its hard for those girls... and I'm glad zooby is a forgiving guy...

and um, I'm especially glad whozum agreed with zoob.

 

[Moonbear]

This is the thing. This was all 25 years ago, and at that time I had no conception of the notion of clinical depression. Most people didn't. I just considered myself vaguely maladjusted, or tempermental or whatever. Now, being aware of what's going on, I don't get nearly so bad. It would be an exaggeration to say I'm "struggling" with depression, because it isn't that intrusive at this point.

Oh, I see. Yeah, it would have been different 25 years ago when nobody knew what it was and would have thought you should just be able to "snap" yourself out of it. Not much you can do about what happened 25 years ago now.

 

[Lisa!]

Recently I noticed it's women who usually want to break up!

Unfortunately, that happens over and over again..
There are enough of stories where one of the partners feels the break-up coming out of the blue; they themselves were content, and perhaps even happy in the relationship.

I don't think it happens unexpectedly anyway! Of course in some cases you're happy with someone before meeting a cooler person and you suddenly don't feel happy with your partner anymore. I mean at that moment, you just find out the true meaning of happiness or perhaps you think you would be happier with that person! (I don't want to say you're always right, perhaps it's your biggest mistake in the life...)Sounds very cruel to leave someone when he's not done anything wrong, but I think if you love someone more than him, you'd better to leave him. It's kind of dishonesty with yourself and your partner. I mean you're with someone just physically while your mind and heart is somewhere else.
<I'm in a bad mood now! >

 

[Smurf]

Yeah, I don't buy that lisa. You have to know actually be with someone for a while and know them well because you can say you "love" them more than someone else. I think the majority of people who leave because they "love" someone else are probably just crushes, especially at younger ages.

 

[zoobyshoe]

bah, i can't post in here without sounding like a horrible girl...
hmm... how about i say... some girls do want guys like zooby... even though he's difficult... and um... its hard for those girls... and I'm glad zooby is a forgiving guy...

and um, I'm especially glad whozum agreed with zoob.

Thanks Gale. I don't mean to be difficult. I am a victim of my zoobie nature.

(Now watch: in two weeks every guy on PF will have found a way to somehow use that excuse.)

 

[Lisa!]

Yeah, I don't buy that lisa. You have to know actually be with someone for a while and know them well because you can say you "love" them more than someone else. I think the majority of people who leave because they "love" someone else are probably just crushes, especially at younger ages.

Yep, I agree with you but there are some exceptions anyway. For sure you know your coworkers, classmates, friends,your partner's friend... At first you may not realize you're happier with them but some events may cause you feel like that. It's risky anyway.