Dismiss Notice
Join Physics Forums Today!
The friendliest, high quality science and math community on the planet! Everyone who loves science is here!

Having trouble reading the intentions of a friend part deux

  1. Dec 9, 2009 #1
    I made a thread a while back about a guy who was being avoidant and I said I was not sure whether he was being avoidant because he wanted nothing do with me or that he was extremely uncomfortable being in social situations like he once confessed the reason he avoided social situations with several months back . Well we finally got together again after 4 months of not speaking to each other. I can accurately say that we had a grand old time with each other and our time together spent together after those several months of not contacting each other was one of the best times I had with anyone as a student at the university that I attend . The only problem is, he is repeating this pattern of not returning my emails and or phone calls that I send him. I totally don't understand this pattern of behavior he is exhibiting. I wanted eventually wanted to take our friendship to the next level, but I am not even sure if he is trustworthy enough to invest a friendship in , let alone a relationship. And I know he isn't using me either for ulterior motives because he fixed my computer for free and pay for the events we went to together even though I offer to pay for the events and pay him for fixing my computer. I also trust him enough to walk into a secluded place in the woods. He did asked me out on a date a few years ago, but I declined the offer. I want to asked why you are avoiding me and tell him that you need to confessed that you don't want a friendship with me because your actions towards me by not returning my emails an telephone calls show it, but I don't want to be or appear desperate to hang onto the only friend I had at my university . I just want a rational explanations for not returning any of my messages, whether that rational explanation works in my favor or not. How do you think I should handle it? I tried to forget about it , but that isn't working.
  2. jcsd
  3. Dec 9, 2009 #2


    User Avatar
    Homework Helper
    Gold Member

    Get new friends is my advice. Considering he's been the only friend points to a problem.
  4. Dec 9, 2009 #3
    As you know, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Something important that guys can get from that book is the fact that when women have a problem they tend to want to solve it "out loud", so to speak, to describe the problem to a listener who doesn't try to fix it but just listens. What women can learn is that when men have a problem they tend to want to retreat into the interior of the primordial cave, so to speak, and work out their thoughts about in in solitude, undisturbed.

    It sounds like your friend has one or more large, chronic problems he's been trying to come to grips with for a long time. (It could even be he's nursing a case of clinical depression without realizing it. Hard to say for sure.) But the best "rational explanation" I can offer is that he's like all men and is hardwired to react this way to his problems.

    He may well be annoyed at your attempts to contact him because he probably doesn't have a clue about women's "solving out loud" hardwiring, and doesn't understand you are inviting him to participate in something that seems normal and obvious to you.

    Jason is probably right in that your best course of action is to make other friends. Start talking to other people and socializing more, and recreate your mental life to center around enjoyable scenarios that don't include him.
  5. Dec 11, 2009 #4


    User Avatar
    Science Advisor
    Gold Member

    The pattern of avoidance indicates he has issues and you are not part of the solution. I would never trust such a person until there was more continuity in the relationship.
  6. Dec 11, 2009 #5
    I only emailed him once. We just had had a very long and engaging conversation with each other. Suddenly after a few weeks ago , I never heard from him again. It not easy to make new friends when you are a loner and their aren't that many people you can empathize with on most levels of a relationship/friendship . There are many people that I encountered like my friend that I would invest time in.The only flaw in my friend is that he apparently tends to push people away , and you think I should give up a friendship because of that particular flaw , even though I am content with all of his other characteristic traits?
  7. Dec 11, 2009 #6
    I have a friend who has this issue. He meets new people that he enjoys hanging out with and starts spending alot of time with them. Then at some point he decides he needs a change and starts hanging out with a different group of friends. He has at least three circles of friends that I know of and I think is on to a fourth now. I and my circle of friends haven't seen him in a couple years and I think that at least one of his old circles has not seen him even longer. He has similar issues in other aspects of his life. He normally does not keep a job for much more than a year and he usually does not date anyone for more than about the same period of time, usually less.

    If your friend has a problem where he tends to push people away then he may be much like my friend in which case I have no idea what to tell you. He'll probably settle down eventually but it will be in his own time and on his own terms.

    Something else you may want to consider is that he may be interested in you still and, since you turned him down before, his feelings for you may make him uncomfortable being around you even though he may miss you and enjoy his time with you. If I am reading right and you are interested in a relationship with him you might want to tell him that.
  8. Dec 12, 2009 #7
    I was thinking of something like ...
    Let him live, he can live happily without you.

    Now, only if that makes sense.
  9. Dec 13, 2009 #8
    If this is a consistent thing with him, confront him about it. If he is vague or elusive when confronted, give him an ultimatum, but not in selfish terms.

    Something like "I wish this didn't bother me, but it does, and for my own sake, I think it would be better if we just went our separate ways."

    If he doesn't answer, stick to what you said. If he values your friendship, this will force him to either change his behavior, or at least explain it. If he doesn't, well, you're probably better off.
  10. Dec 17, 2009 #9


    User Avatar
    Science Advisor
    Gold Member

    noble, wake up and smell the coffee. This guy has more issues than you can deal with. Find a real life friend and quit surfing the internet for relationships.
Share this great discussion with others via Reddit, Google+, Twitter, or Facebook