Something I came across the other day::
Consciousness has less control than believed, according to new theory
One of my favorite pacifiers has always been learning. Processing information helps to keep my sanity in-check. Not that it doesn't slip every now-and-then... Hormonal and lifelong emotional issues that I can't seem to control end up driving me to seek answers for some sort of relief. That or music, writing, arts and crafts, or creating
something to get me out of that state of mind. Raising my daughter has been the most challenging, but rewarding aspect I could ever have in life. It's difficult to think about the real human condition or my own childhood when she is shining so brightly. So encouraging and healing to her faithless mother. How to express my gratitude to her for something so meaningful to me? My first thought after she was handed to me had been an incredibly painful and stabbing foresight- she wouldn't be mine for long, I grieved. The next thought had been that I wanted to keep her smiling, give her an illusion that the world wasn't so bad. Oh, how often I fell and lost those first years!
Environmental factors and routine also affect behavior to a large extent. I like to experiment with both to see what cognitive changes come along. I didn't like the way my living room had been arranged last week, and though I usually move things around when the weather changes anyway and do spring cleaning, this year I decided new visual elements would help liven up the room. So, excited about the new weather, I went out to hunt new pieces to redecorate. I was so in love with my imitation
poor boys, the painting reminded me of my harsh childhood and had me crying when I brought them home to study. I also found some other touching pieces in the same collection, but haven't gotten around to investigating them entirely, much less putting them into place.
Anyway, in the process of that and spring cleaning, I put two rooms in a state that is bothering me something
terrible. I can't finish it until some furniture is picked up. Insane to do this with just a little over a week before finals (2 projects, one portfolio, one paper, and 2 exams for 3 classes). I did this last semester with my daughters room and didn't sleep for over two days. I should know better, but it isn't always easy to control my thoughts or reason. Probably need to be getting more than four hours of sleep a night for the next week. I'll have to enlist my Husband to make me go to sleep earlier.
The human mind can keep tabs on numerous frames. Allow it to run free and you end up with nutty, almost incoherent states such as the above. Which does no good for me- good work has rarely came from letting myself do this. I need stimulation that is firmly rooted in reality that can be validated by others. A textbook will do.