How Sh!t Happens: A Plan for Growth

[Evo]

Ok, I've had to modify this a bit to meet forum guidelines.

Cute... too damn CUTE!

"In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the faces of the workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying:
"It is a crock of sh!t and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth:
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them:
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it."
And the managers went unto their directors and sayeth:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth unto them:
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him
"This new plan will actively promote growth and strength."
And the president looked upon the plan saying:
"Then it is good, and the plan shall become policy."

THIS IS HOW SH!T HAPPENS."

 

[Moonbear]

LOL! So corporate management is really just an expensive game of telephone?

 

[Evo]

LOL! So corporate management is really just an expensive game of telephone?

Yep, you got it.

 

[Cyrus]

http://www.virtualstapler.com/office_space/images/milton_intro.jpg

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm going to have to ask you to hold off on that post. Oh and byyy the way I am going to need you to come in on sunday, were loosing some people this week mmmmkay?

 

[JamesU]

yeah...mmkay...

 

[Integral]

I had to share that with some of my coworkers. It is just to right.

 

[Moonbear]

I'm pretty sure it applies to university administration too.

 

[Astronuc]

Variations on "How shtuff happens" include:

And the Assumptions were without form, but cause for consultants.


In this vein - y'all might appreciate these - http://www.electronixwarehouse.com/humor/hi-ho.htm#real :

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

And there is this

http://www.xs4all.nl/~npjdjong/managers2.html

 

[BobG]

Variations on "How shtuff happens" include:

And the Assumptions were without form, but cause for consultants.

Oh, yes. Yay for assumptions.

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

That reminds of a real life incident when I was in the Air Force. The crew had to inventory all of their important equipment at the start of each shift. One piece of important equipment was a set of bolt cutters, since the emergency exit opened into someone else's fenced in area. If the crew had to evacuate, they would have to cut the lock off the gate to get out of the fence.

Our new DO didn't know all the ins and outs of the operations when he first got there and was a little perplexed by the crew log, "Who's this Cutters guy. I see him on just about every crew." And so began the career of Lt Cutters. Someone bought him a set of Lt bars, which were proudly taped to Lt Cutter's "shoulders". Eventually, he even got promoted to Capt Cutters.

Alas, all men, and even bolt cutters sometimes, are called upon to prove their mettle. One day, there actually was a fire - a small fire, but enough smoke the crew actually did have to evacuate. Capt Cutters just wasn't up to the task of cutting the lock off the fence. The crew had to resort to cutting the barbwire at the top of the fence and had to climb a six foot fence to complete their evacuation - something that was totally unacceptable.

A better solution was finally adopted (like the owners of the fenced in area finally deciding we could be trusted with the key to the lock), but we still kept Amn Cutters on at his post by the door. (Amn in the Air Force would be the equivalent of a private in the Army).