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Is there anything grammatically wrong with this sentence?

  1. Sep 11, 2011 #1
    "I analyze research data to aid the sales team increase sales revenue, grow prospect client list, and provide pertinent data for the clients' needs."

    Thanks!
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Sep 11, 2011 #2

    "I analyze research data to aid the sales team in increasing sales revenue, growing the list of prospective clients, and providing data which is pertinent for the clients' needs."

    That's a little better but still doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.
     
  4. Sep 12, 2011 #3
    "Aiding the sales team, I analyze research data to increase sales revenue, grow prospect(ive?) client list, and provide pertinent data for the clients' needs."

    Maybe?
     
  5. Sep 12, 2011 #4

    Dembadon

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    Gold Member

    It doesn't need anything but a comma. Here's the revised version:

    "I analyze research data to aid the sales team, increase sales revenue, grow prospect client list, and provide pertinent data for the clients' needs."
     
  6. Sep 12, 2011 #5
    ^ That changes the meaning of the sentence. The original explains that he aids the sales team by "increasing ..., growing ..., and providing ...". This edited version makes it a bit more vague and although it looks better syntactically, the meaning is awkward.

    So in terms of grammar, the sentence is perfectly fine. However, it's a bit awkward and I can't offer any suggestions in swapping around some phrases. It depends entirely on what you want the sentence to enhance:
    Starting with "To aid the sales team, I ..." gives a more selfless feeling. In contrast, starting with "I analyze research data" focuses on what you actually do. A small example.

    Also, in my opinion, I think using "to aid [object] [verb]" is pretty awkward. It's more normal to use "to help [object] [verb]", but this substition also sounds a bit more elementary.
     
  7. Sep 12, 2011 #6

    fss

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    A few things jump out at me:

    You have major ambiguity here, mostly with the word "prospect." It doesn't really make sense as either a noun (because "client" is also a noun") or a verb (because it comes after "grow"). You probably meant, "prospective", in which case you'd want the definite article as well. "...grow the prospective client list" is probably what you want. Your use of "grow" sounds awkward - if you are enabling someone to add clients, trivializing this with a statement about adding entries to a list does not do your accomplishment credit. You can think about that and change it if you want to; you know your situation better than I do.

    "research data" is arguably redundant. Just use "data."

    Assuming this is for a resume, this is very bland. You want to show that you actually did something meaningful. Try using, "I analyze research data that enables the sales team increase sales revenue..."

    Redundancy. Revenue comes from sales, so just use "revenue."

    Redundancy. It is obvious you are providing "pertinent" (by which I think you mean "relevant") data to the customer, otherwise you wouldn't be providing it. Circular reasoning works because circular reasoning works because circular reasoning works... Also, in the beginning of your statement you said that you "analyze." Why are you providing "data" (that which is analyzed) to the customer? The customer can obtain data by themselves without your involvement.

    Your final sentence, IMO, should look more like this:

    "I analyze data that enables the sales team to increase revenue, grow the prospective client list, and provide guidance to the client."

    However, there is still a problem with this sentence because the act of increasing revenue is achieved by growing the client list; not by providing guidance to the client. The analysis of data that allows the sales team to add a client is probably not the same analysis you would provide to that client. "provide guidance to the client" is also ambiguous. What guidance do you provide? For what purpose? So, you have a larger problem here that needs to be resolved - until you let us know what you are actually trying to say, it's hard to help you.
     
  8. Sep 12, 2011 #7

    Dembadon

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    Gold Member

    The only thing I suggested was the addition of a comma, which doesn't change the meaning of the sentence at all; it adds clarity. I agree that it would benefit from a rewrite, but that isn't what Raven requested.
     
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