Is Uncertainty Derailing My Life? A Tacky Introduction to My Personal Statement

[audreyh]

Hey all,

So I'm beginning my personal statement with an explanation as to why I received such bad marks in my first couple years, as well as why I chose the field I will pursue. Tell me if these first few lines is interesting or falls flat and tacky.

Uncertainty can be terrifying. Where will I end up, where am I headed, what path should I choose; these are all overwhelming questions. Who knew that something as small as h could derail someone’s life, but that is precisely what happened in my first couple years of undergraduate study. My parents fell into debt, divorced, my mom fell ill, ...

I appreciate any criticism! Thanks

 

[Vanadium 50]

I wouldn't open with an excuse. I'd open with what you are applying for, why you are applying for it, and why you are a good match.

 

[WarPhalange]

NEVER try and excuse your bad points. ONLY write about your good qualities. And spin those bad qualities.

"I got bad grades because I was exploded by a car bomb one day" = "Even though I had to put my own guts back in my body when a car bomb exploded one day, I managed to pass all of my classes that quarter/semester."

You are basically explaining to them why you would be good for their school and any specific projects you are applying to. You need to tell them how they would benefit from having you.

Also you have to explain your interests, career goals, and past research experience, yadda yadda. But basically leave it positive.

 

[audreyh]

I shouldn't include this even if it explains my bad grades, shows its in the past, and won't occur again?

Also, I was sort of asking specifically about the "something as small as h" part. Is that tacky?

 

[WarPhalange]

What the **** is h? I thought you were just using it as a variable, i.e. "something as small as [insert here]"

You mean Planck's constant? Wayyyy too tacky. A good rule of the thumb is, if it's a joke that is about or uses math or science, then it is a BAD joke. We might chuckle at "Two neutrinos walk through a bar.", but that just means we're nerds. :D

 

[mrjeffy321]

I, too, would caution you against such a paragraph in your personal statement.
When you say you are “beginning [your] personal statement” with this explanation, do you mean that this is your introductory paragraph or just one of the early body paragraphs? If this is your introduction then I think you are getting off to a very bad start with whoever is reading it.

Also, I was sort of asking specifically about the "something as small as h" part. Is that tacky?

I presume you are trying to reference Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, with h being Planck’s constant. Personally, I would not include this either, unless you are 10^-10 meters tall and your problems really were the result of inherently imprecise measurements of electron position and momenta.

 

[Choppy]

I shouldn't include this even if it explains my bad grades, shows its in the past, and won't occur again?

Also, I was sort of asking specifically about the "something as small as h" part. Is that tacky?

It's a little flowery in my opinion. Remember, you're not writing a newspaper column. It's a formal personal statement.

If you really feel it's necessary to include an explanation of poor grades, I think it's fine to do so, but I wouldn't start out with it. Start with why you're interested in the program you're applying to and what you hope to get out of it. Then move into what you can bring to the department - any work or research experience, relevant skills, teaching experience, etc. Talk about aspects of undergrad that you enjoyed or things you are particularly proud of. Then you can mention obstacles that you've overcome and add in some unique personal information.

 

[audreyh]

thanks guys :) re-did my whole essay