Might throw in the towel on my social life

[Pengwuino]

Trust us on this. You can't see the forest from the tree. You have not even had the chance to find out that you have no advanced social skills. The fact that you can't let yourself go hang out with people or the girls you like is the sign of a deficiency in your social skills. Being able to progress your life beyond what your parents demand of you is a skill you acquire.

As far as girls go, I must regurgitate what everyone else is telling you. I've had girlfriend where we only exchanged pics and talked online. Then I turned 14. What you are doing and what those girls are to you is on the level of elementary and junior high children. Have you ever seen a movie with a girl? made out with her? Spent the night (forget sex, just being in the same house as her) with one?

 

[DanP]

Read the girlfriend explanation in one of my other post on this thread. You'll understand how that worked out.

I'm not saying my parents won't let me have a social life. They put me in a situation where I can't have one. I have a cell phone (an i-phone). It's just that I can't bring friends over, I can't go to see friends, I can't go to parties. The only parties I've been to I went with my parents.

Leave before they destroy your life. Make a living and never look back.

 

[JaredJames]

Try to separate when you consider yourself to be an adult and when you are legally an adult.

At 18 (or whatever the age is where you are), you are legally an adult and can leave home, get a job, have your own life and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Whether or not you consider yourself an adult is irrelevant. Doing the above would be a major step towards becoming what you consider an adult and developing your social skills at the same time (I don't know many jobs which isolate you from others).

 

[Pyrrhus]

This is a tough one to answer, but consider this You are throwing the towel on what? You have no social life. Obviously, you wish you did or you wouldn't come here and complain.

 

[chronon]

You're uncomfortable because you have to lie to your friends about your parents. I think that starting to tell the truth is much better than getting rid of your friends. Which is better: to be thought of as the guy with the really weird parents or as the really weird guy who shuns everyone? (Even in the latter case you will still see others hanging out, going to parties etc.)

You also need to be truthful with your parents - and this may well involve telling them how weird other people think they are. Eventually you are going to need to deal with this, and you may as well start now.

I know of one family where 'family was everything' -but this was in England in the 1930s and 1940's. In that case the brother eventually left home and got married, but the sister was expected to stay at home with the parents as long as they lived.

 

[DaveC426913]

Trust us on this. You can't see the forest from the tree.

No. Don't trust us on this Edin. The only trees you cannot see are our trees. The fact is, we can't see your trees.

There is a fine line between helping you out of a box and corrupting you to a different way that looks tempting but may alienate you from your loved ones and culture.

We can give you encouragement, we can give you perspective, but we cannot judge your life or tell you what is right for you. It is your life and you will have to live with your decisions. Not one person here on PF will be around for you to help you live with the consequences of a bad decision.

This above all: to thine own self be true.

 

[BobG]

No. Don't trust us on this Edin. The only trees you cannot see are our trees. The fact is, we can't see your trees.

There is a fine line between helping you out of a box and corrupting you to a different way that looks tempting but may alienate you from your loved ones and culture.

We can give you encouragement, we can give you perspective, but we cannot judge your life or tell you what is right for you. It is your life and you will have to live with your decisions. Not one person here on PF will be around for you to help you live with the consequences of a bad decision.

This above all: to thine own self be true.

Are you sure about this? Haven't you ever seen the movie Train Man (Densha Otoko)? Allowing anonymous forum members to direct his social life worked out pretty well for him.

Granted, he being an anonymous forum member himself, one has only his word on how well things worked out, but surely he was telling the truth. He was too pathetic to be lying.

That's a very good movie, by the way. The plot was adopted from an actual forum thread from a website in Japan. I kept imagining the characters as PF members. You had Evo, and MIH, and DanP, and Cyrus, and Pengwino, and Topher, and Galteeth, and even DaveC.

 

[DaveC426913]

Are you sure about this? Haven't you ever seen the movie Train Man (Densha Otoko)? Allowing anonymous forum members to direct his social life worked out pretty well for him.

Granted, he being an anonymous forum member himself, one has only his word on how well things worked out, but surely he was telling the truth. He was too pathetic to be lying.

That's a very good movie, by the way. The plot was adopted from an actual forum thread from a website in Japan. I kept imagining the characters as PF members. You had Evo, and MIH, and DanP, and Cyrus, and Pengwino, and Topher, and Galteeth, and even DaveC.

Just read the synopsis. Sounds like an intriguing film.

 

[DanP]

There is a fine line between helping you out of a box and corrupting you to a different way that looks tempting but may alienate you from your loved ones and culture.

You was supposed to whisper with a seducing voice:

"The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be…unnatural."

Ha !

 

[DaveC426913]

You was supposed to whisper with a seducing voice:

"The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be…unnatural."

Ha !

Yes, the words lept into my brain. I resisted.

 

[Edin_Dzeko]

Trust us on this. You can't see the forest from the tree. You have not even had the chance to find out that you have no advanced social skills. The fact that you can't let yourself go hang out with people or the girls you like is the sign of a deficiency in your social skills. Being able to progress your life beyond what your parents demand of you is a skill you acquire.

As far as girls go, I must regurgitate what everyone else is telling you. I've had girlfriend where we only exchanged pics and talked online. Then I turned 14. What you are doing and what those girls are to you is on the level of elementary and junior high children. Have you ever seen a movie with a girl? made out with her? Spent the night (forget sex, just being in the same house as her) with one?

when I went to college because I didn't have as much freedom at home as I did in school I went wild. I got really drunk one night an ambulance had to come get me. As for girls, I had oral sex with this one girl and I completely threw my morals out the window. But now I'm getting back into the Bible and I feel so bad about the oral sex incident. But it's already happened so just have to keep moving forward. But no I've never been on a date (unless I do it in college but don't plan it on though)

lol at your "I've had girlfriend where we only exchanged pics and talked online. Then I turned 14."

 

[JaredJames]

Well the more you post Edin, the more it sounds like you don't want a social life.

 

[Edin_Dzeko]

I think you'll be unhappy if you start cutting off your friendships, so I wouldn't recommend that. Some of my good friends I only interact with at university, and that's a perfectly fine level of interaction which we're mutually happy with.

When your friends invite you to events politely decline, tell them you're not the outgoing sort. Good friends should be understanding enough to not pressure you incessantly. I have friends who choose not to go to the events my friends organize and that's OK (even if I would've liked it if they did.)

In the long run if you're not satisfied with this arrangement you'll need to negotiate with your parents.

Good advice. Thanks

 

[Evo]

You don't sound mature enough to leave home or have a social life that's not dictated by your parents.

My advice, stay home, be honest, tell your friends that your parents won't let you go out and that you agree with them. Give up life outside the home, don't worry about it. Some day maybe your parents will be gone and things will change, or maybe you'll decide to get out from under their control. You're definitely not ready for that yet.

 

[Pengwuino]

when I went to college because I didn't have as much freedom at home as I did in school I went wild. I got really drunk one night an ambulance had to come get me. As for girls, I had oral sex with this one girl and I completely threw my morals out the window. But now I'm getting back into the Bible and I feel so bad about the oral sex incident. But it's already happened so just have to keep moving forward. But no I've never been on a date (unless I do it in college but don't plan it on though)

Yah this is what happens when people who have their lives strictly controlled gain some freedom. They go crazy and do stupid things because they haven't learned how to manage their own lives. I hate to say it but your parents have done some lasting damage to your ability to live your own life.

 

[Chronos]

Go with the flow. You will eventually graduate, get a job, a life, and see the scary side of existence. If you are warm and happy in a cow pie, keep your mouth shut - from 'the little bird who would not fly south'.

 

[DanP]

You don't sound mature enough to leave home or have a social life that's not dictated by your parents.

My advice, stay home, be honest, tell your friends that your parents won't let you go out and that you agree with them. Give up life outside the home, don't worry about it. Some day maybe your parents will be gone and things will change, or maybe you'll decide to get out from under their control. You're definitely not ready for that yet.

This post cracks me up.

 

[DanP]

As for girls, I had oral sex with this one girl and I completely threw my morals out the window. But now I'm getting back into the Bible and I feel so bad about the oral sex incident. But it's already happened so just have to keep moving forward.

Edin, yes, repent. It's the right thing to do. The only thing left to do for you in fact. It's a well known fact that oral sex is the fastest ticket to hell. You sold your soul for a moment of pleasure, the devil has your soul in his clutches now. And he comes after you with wrath. The only thing which can save you now is the Sacrament of Penance, and abjuring any further sexual behavior forever. Our God is a forgiving one, but don't test his limits

 

[chronon]

Edin, you need to realize that your parents do not know what they are doing. Presumably they thought that keeping tight control over your life would prevent you from doing something which you would later regret - but they failed didn't they. As I see it you might want to humor them for the moment, but eventually the untenable situation they have created is going to have to be resolved, and you are going to be the one who has to work out how to resolve it.

 

[JaredJames]

Edin, out of curiosity what do you think of the people who do what you described every weekend? You're not going WBC on us are you?

There comes a point where you need to decide for yourself. You went crazy, you (hopefully) got a grasp on where you boundaries are. Did you enjoy? If so, would you prefer to live the life you enjoy or the one you feel you should because of your parents?

Otherwise, I agree with Evo's above post.

 

[DaveC426913]

Edin, yes, repent. It's the right thing to do. The only thing left to do for you in fact. It's a well known fact that oral sex is the fastest ticket to hell. You sold your soul for a moment of pleasure, the devil has your soul in his clutches now. And he comes after you with wrath. The only thing which can save you now is the Sacrament of Penance, and abjuring any further sexual behavior forever. Our God is a forgiving one, but don't test his limits

Edin, you need to realize that your parents do not know what they are doing.

Give up life outside the home, don't worry about it.

There is some truly dreadful and downright irresponsible advice being posted in this thread. Some of it is sarcastic, some of it is not. Some of it is just kind of mean. Who knows which is which? Who knows how Edin will take it?

I feel like I'm watching a group of kids on a playground form a circle around and mocking the one kid who made the mistake of speaking how he felt.

This is not the PF way.
Lock thread please.

In fact, lock whole subforum if we as a group can't handle this kind of thing like responsible grownups.

 

[JaredJames]

Edin came here and listed a bunch of problems blamed on others. As it transpires, it has become clear that the 'problems' are increasingly being caused by him. Self inflicted if you will.

Given the style of advice given initially aimed at his family, it's really not surprising people are annoyed.

Regardless, it is blatantly clear Edin has made up his mind and doesn't really care for advice that doesn't conform to his trail of thought. He is wasting our time.

 

[chronon]

There is some truly dreadful and downright irresponsible advice being posted in this thread. Some of it is sarcastic, some of it is not. Some of it is just kind of mean. Who knows which is which? Who knows how Edin will take it?

I feel like I'm watching a group of kids on a playground form a circle around and mocking the one kid who made the mistake of speaking how he felt.

This is not the PF way.
Lock thread please.

In fact, lock whole subforum if we as a group can't handle this kind of thing like responsible grownups.

I can understand that you don't like the way some people try to push Edin to adopt the culture of a typical American teenager. Nor do I, in fact when I was his age I wasn't much into 'hanging out' with other teenagers. My point was that its not a case of his parents adopting an alternative culture which will probably work just as well if he gives it a chance, but that they are adopting a policy which is likely to end in tears sooner or later.

 

[Evo]

There is some truly dreadful and downright irresponsible advice being posted in this thread. Some of it is sarcastic, some of it is not. Some of it is just kind of mean. Who knows which is which? Who knows how Edin will take it?

I feel like I'm watching a group of kids on a playground form a circle around and mocking the one kid who made the mistake of speaking how he felt.

This is not the PF way.
Lock thread please.

In fact, lock whole subforum if we as a group can't handle this kind of thing like responsible grownups.

My advice to him is quite serious. He doesn't want to go out, but lies to his friends about why, he needs to stop lying, he'll be found out and they'll respect him more for the truth. He went out and got so drunk that he was picked up by an ambulance, again, not able to exercise restraint or good judgement at this time, he doesn't want to go against his parents right now, and he's looking for someone to say that his choice to remain home and abide with his parents rules is ok.

You need to read more of what the OP has said before you go off on your high horse Dave.

 

[Topher925]

He went out and got so drunk that he was picked up by an ambulance, again, not able to exercise restraint or good judgement at this time, he doesn't want to go against his parents right now, and he's looking for someone to say that his choice to remain home and abide with his parents rules is ok.

You need to read more of what the OP has said before you go off on your high horse Dave.

+1. This type of behavior that the OP is exhibiting is very unhealthy. The fact that an 18 year old, someone old enough to enlist in the military and legally kill someone, can't keep themselves out of an ambulance unless they are under the thumb of a parent is a serious problem. Unfortunately, this is something you see all to often with college freshman but this case seems to be quite severe.

I didn't see a single post telling the OP to do anything unmoral, just corrections to his view of relationships with other people and suggestions to get out and experience life. You can have a life and still retain morals and values. There's nothing wrong with things like personal prohibition or abstinence, but there is something wrong with shutting yourself off to the world.

 

[DanP]

I can understand that you don't like the way some people try to push Edin to adopt the culture of a typical American teenager. Nor do I, in fact when I was his age I wasn't much into 'hanging out' with other teenagers. My point was that its not a case of his parents adopting an alternative culture which will probably work just as well if he gives it a chance, but that they are adopting a policy which is likely to end in tears sooner or later.

For the development of any teenager, healthy social relationships with peers are of paramount importance. While you may not want a child to be "a typical American teenager", you have to weight in the fact that he will have to live in a typical American society, hence he has to be adapted to it.

Even in the case of parents coming from an alternative culture, trying to impose that culture on their kids, and not letting them blend in the society where they live now, is pretty much "social murder" they commit on their offspring.

So no, an alternative culture will not work "just as well". you gain the most advantages in your adult life by being adapted to the social system you have to live in. Sounds sad ? Maybe it is.
But no, offering this kind of advice is not corruption. It is a simple fact that you gain most in life by being socially adapted to your current society. And "loved ones" should understand this. If not, alienation is a small price to pay for an easier life

No, parents don't always know better.

 

[JaredJames]

So no, an alternative culture will not work "just as well".

I'm not sure if you were backing him up or going against him, but just to be sure, chronon didn't say an alternative culture will work just as well.

My point was that its not a case of his parents adopting an alternative culture which will probably work just as well if he gives it a chance, but that they are adopting a policy which is likely to end in tears sooner or later.

If you didn't mean that, then just ignore this post.

 

[DaveC426913]

You need to read more of what the OP has said before you go off on your high horse Dave.

I did. The OP has every right to talk about his own circumstance. I don't that it gives us the right to judge his life (or his parents' competence) by our criteria. I don't believe in the Western Melting Pot.

Anyway, I had to cherry pick from your post because it was otherwise pretty realistic and reasonable, but put together with what other people are saying, things that are less caring than yours, this is starting to become a mock fest.

If a new PF member started reading this thread, would they be impressed with the calibre of PF? I just think it falls below the quality of our usual treatment of people, even for GD.

I've seen threads closed for a lot less than this.

 

[Edin_Dzeko]

Hey guys. Today's Friday. Snow's coming down pretty hard here in NY. Dropped off little sis at school and I've been home since. Watched "Indecent Proposal" while I ate breakfast then hopped online and fooled around for a bit. Then went to the basement to do a few routines on the Total Gym and some jump roping. I played a few hymns on the keyboard and now I'm back online fooling around again. I'm planning to practice some Chemistry not too long from now.

This about sums up my typical day since I got home from college. Just stay home and with the things at home entertain yourself seems to be the game plan for me.

Something that I wanted to share with you guys:

"I talked to one of my professors last week and he was saying how it's important to let go of immediate pleasures in life - especially when you are young... and focus on your responsibility first. that ensuring security and happiness later in life is more important than things that make you happy for a few minutes or hours - such as partying and whatnot."


I read that on another forum (I hang out on many forums) and found it to be quite encouraging a bit. It sort of cheered me up and gave me some hope about how better (socially) things will be in the future. I've also heard such similar advice from my parents in different ways many times. I've heard it from other adults as well.

Guess staying at home all day isn't so bad after all, eh?

-------------------------T.H.O.U.G.H.T.S.-------------
I took all your ideas and suggestions and thoughts into consideration.

In college:
After the drinking and oral sex incident I changed my ways. I stopped going to parties and I didn't drink anymore. On Fridays when my room mate and most of the guys on the floor go out I stay in for the night. But Fridays during the day I go out to play indoor/outdoor soccer depending on the weather since I'm done with classes early. I've signed up for the gym for next semester so 5 days a week or whatever I come up with I'll go and work out with some buddies who said they would also get the gym membership. I go to church (off-campus) on Sundays and Bible studies 2 days during the week. Some days I go to the church to practice on the organ since the organist let's me and I'm friends with her. And I'm considering volunteering, shadowing or researching for some hours during the week-ends to build up a good resume for med school, to keep busy and go out a bit more and ultimate help out.

I had a terrible first semester in college. I went from 18 credits to 12 to 8 and pulled a 3.11 I had way too much fun and it's time to get serious.

At home:
I'm looking at this whole thing as a sacrifice. "suffer now and enjoy later". Because I didn't get to go to parties and hang out and what not now that I'm a kid, when I get older and I get a job I'll go out whenever and with whoever I want and hang out whenever I want. For my friends that are in school they'll understand and not really expect me to come to anything they invite me to since I don't live by any of them. My buddy that I talk to from h.s. hasn't made anymore invitations for us to hang out so I think he got the point already. He asked when I was going back to school and for a moment seemed like he would ask for us to hang out before I go back but he didn't. Normally he would. So that takes care of that. After I got nasty with my friend last year when she invited me somewhere and I turned her down like a jerk I don't think she'll invite me anywhere again (she said she wouldn't but it was in a joking manner) and if she does, I'll take the advice that some of you gave and POLITELY turn her down and just come clean with her about my parents being strict. Plus she lives in another state (NY and NJ aren't that far apart )

I really don't know how things will be by the time I graduate college. But for now I'm just going to have to give my attention to studying, music, working out and religion. And see where things go from there. I won't be a jerk to people or anything and I'll still talk to my friends like you guys were suggesting but I just have to be more accepting of not going out and when there's a talk of an upcoming party/event or a past one, I just have to soak it up and try to not let it bother me that I most likely won't go.

I'm going to look at it this way: I'm the kid who choose to stay inside and study all day rather than going out. You know those kids who would rather stay in and read/study than say party? that's how I'm looking at it now. it's better than being upset. So I'm just going to swallow it up and study study study and when the time comes. when I'm in med school or doing residency and my parents feel I'm ready/matured enough then I'll take my foot off the pedal and go out and get out of my "staying home and studying" comfort zone.

Thanks for everything, guys. I appreciate it. Any further questions/suggestions just add/ask.

 

[JaredJames]

"I talked to one of my professors last week and he was saying how it's important to let go of immediate pleasures in life - especially when you are young... and focus on your responsibility first. that ensuring security and happiness later in life is more important than things that make you happy for a few minutes or hours - such as partying and whatnot."

I'd put money on that's not how he lived his life. You've got your whole life to be serious, have a bit of fun.

Guess staying at home all day isn't so bad after all, eh?

I wouldn't call it healthy.

I'm looking at this whole thing as a sacrifice. "suffer now and enjoy later". Because I didn't get to go to parties and hang out and what not now that I'm a kid, when I get older and I get a job I'll go out whenever and with whoever I want and hang out whenever I want.

Uh, if you don't learn how to do those things you'll get yourself into trouble whilst attempting them later - as you've already demonstrated.

my parents feel I'm ready/matured enough then I'll take my foot off the pedal and go out and get out of my "staying home and studying" comfort zone.

When your parents feel you're ready? You really need to start taking control of things for yourself. If you don't you will face problems in later life. Becoming self sufficient is part of growing up.

You seem to be ignoring any advice that doesn't agree with you and searching for advice which agrees with what you believe.