My Romantic Woes: A Story of Failed First Dates

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

No, no, no... it's not so much that I don't meet many women. It's that I don't care for most of them. I was resisting the urge to admit that I use dating websites, but there it is. The fact is that, when using a dating website, you have to go out on 20 first dates to find a decent person.

One is missing teeth, the other is secretly four times her disclosed weight, still another doesn't speak English. I've actually been on LOTS of first dates this year (much to the dismay of my personal finances), and rarely do I find someone who has intelligence, a sweet disposition, and the same life goals as me (i.e. start a family).

Mary is very sweet, very intelligent, wants to settle down in the future, and likes kids. Not to mention she's awfully pretty. She's my 1-in-20 for this year. And out of those twenty, they were all kind of 1-in-100s for their own reasons.

Frankly she's rare, and I've been on enough bad dates to appreciate a good woman. Do I want to hunker down and wait another year to meet the next Mary who will (CERTAINLY) have her own drawbacks and shortcomings?

Aint that the truth!
i think your first option of calling while she's at work and leaving her a message is a good way to approach things, this way if she doesn't respond back you get the hint and cut your losses, on another note she isn't forced to reply right away and isn't put on the spot, and she has time to think about it, its probably the way i would do things
but i have incredibly bad luck with relationships so take that as you will

 

[Evo]

EDIT: Since I'm divulging secrets about my life, might as well not quite stop there. Mary explained to me, before our date, that she had gotten out of a long abusive relationship and that she wanted to get out of it for a long time but couldn't do it. I suspect that Harriet was either supporting the relationship's existence, or was too busy with her marriage to care. I certainly don't know, but people are complicated; not usually very simple at all.

I wasn't going to comment on her co-dependant relationship with Harriet because maybe it's some weird thing they like to do, but this is a serious red flag. Any woman that's remained in an abusive relationship is bad news. RUN! RUN AWAY! Usually men that are abusive in a relationship showed some abuse even before the relationship got serious, but the woman decided to overlook it. For example, not hit her, but got angry and got a bit too close for comfort. Or too loud, there's verbal abuse too.

It's your life, but since you're asking for opinions, Mary has mental baggage that might look like a couple of carry-ons right now, but she may have several trunks hidden in the closet.

 

[BobG]

I feel like I'm defending my behavior a lot. I guess I didn't think I botched anything up. Maybe I'm wrong.

I wouldn't say you botched anything up. I'd say the most important item to plan for a first meeting in online dating is how to get heck out of the date when it goes bad. I think the evening you described was weird, perhaps because having Harriet already planning to be at the same bar just presented a good opportunity to merge two objectives - both Harriet and Mary had a way out of their dates.

In any event, the whole story puts things in a different light (actually, I guess your original post gave the whole story and I just glossed over the premise). You had some positive results. Plus, Mary is still keeping communications open (if there was no interest, she'd almost certainly send the e-mail letting you know she didn't think things would work out).

I say ask her out for another date and see what happens.

And Evo's warnings are worth noting. But with a caveat. How did she get out of the relationship and how long ago? If she got out of it on her own, it's a good sign. There is a tendency for people to have to be rescued from abusive relationships. In other words, they fall into an affair with someone who's primary attribute is that they get them out of the abusive relationship - they jump from the pot into the frying pan.

Browsing online dating websites isn't the usual way women escape from abusive relationships, so your main concern is probably how long ago and how much emotional baggage is she still carrying around from it.

 

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

(if there was no interest, she'd almost certainly send the e-mail letting you know she didn't think things would work out).

Wrong, she would ignore you... unfortunately

 

[FlexGunship]

Wrong, she would ignore you... unfortunately

Yeah. I'm not ignored yet. I still get smiley texts, and she called to wish me luck at bowling last night (I'm in a candle-pin league).

Although, I haven't heard from her today, at all.

 

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

Yeah. I'm not ignored yet. I still get smiley texts, and she called to wish me luck at bowling last night (I'm in a candle-pin league).

Although, I haven't heard from her today, at all.

well that's fine, sometimes you are just busy, but say she had 2 days to answer and updates her FB page with her phone but doesn't send you a text, now that's being ignored lol

 

[BobG]

Wrong, she would ignore you... unfortunately

That's just plain tacky. There's no real obligations for a person you've only met face to face once in your life, but an e-mail doesn't take much effort to send, there's no awkward conversations, and the person can still ignore any replies the person sends.

A person doesn't even have to explain why they don't think the relationship-that-hasn't-even-started has no chance. Just don't leave the other person hanging.

 

[FlexGunship]

That's just plain tacky. There's no real obligations for a person you've only met face to face once in your life, but an e-mail doesn't take much effort to send, there's no awkward conversations, and the person can still ignore any replies the person sends.

A person doesn't even have to explain why they don't think the relationship-that-hasn't-even-started has no chance. Just don't leave the other person hanging.

I've always given that courtesy to other girls I've dated. Actually, I can only think of one case where I just got ignored into nothingness. Turns out her phone got shut off and we got back together about 2 months later (just for two dates... didn't work out anyway).

 

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

That's just plain tacky. There's no real obligations for a person you've only met face to face once in your life, but an e-mail doesn't take much effort to send, there's no awkward conversations, and the person can still ignore any replies the person sends.

A person doesn't even have to explain why they don't think the relationship-that-hasn't-even-started has no chance. Just don't leave the other person hanging.

maybe its a difference between our 2 countries
i more often then not just plain get ignored, left hanging like a shot moose.
and to that respect i can only come to the conclusion that they were all very immature

 

[BobG]

maybe its a difference between our 2 countries
i more often then not just plain get ignored, left hanging like a shot moose.
and to that respect i can only come to the conclusion that they were all very immature

Having come immediately from the 56 worst analogies to this thread, I might know why you're being ignored.

 

[Evo]

Having come immediately from the 56 worst analogies to this thread, I might know why you're being ignored.

I was thinking the same thing

left hanging like a shot moose

 

[FlexGunship]

This whole thing is starting to make me sick; honestly. It seems that anytime I meet someone I'm genuinely interested in and with whom I feel a significant connection... something external happens to ruin it. Last time, I was dating a girl with two kids. They lived with me, and things were great... until the father of her kids (arbitrarily) decided he wanted them all back. That was more than a year ago, and this is the first time since then that I've felt that kind of intuitive connection with someone.

EDIT: What do I do? Wait another year, meet another wonderful girl... and wait for her to get hit with space debris?

 

[JaredJames]

Why don't you just do the leaving a message thing? Sounds like a good idea.

If she says yes, great. If not, you know where you stand.

 

[FlexGunship]

Why don't you just do the leaving a message thing? Sounds like a good idea.

I did. Thats exactly what I did. I guess I feel this kind of innate "knight in shining armor" thing; if she's being oppressed by her friend something inside of me wants to fight back! But it's her best friend... I can't try to turn them against each other. I also made it clear that I was willing to put the whole event behind me and never speak of it again, if Harriet were willing to do the same.

 

[ThomasT]

I don't know what to say here Flex. Just don't get hung up on a chick because you're attracted to her for whatever reason. My suggestion is to hit the tennis courts or fitness/workout clubs and find a girl that you would like to take a shower with. That's, in my experience, usually a good ice-breaker.

 

[FlexGunship]

I'm going to tell you EXACTLY what went through my mind as I read this...

I don't know what to say here Flex.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Just don't get hung up on a chick because you're attracted to her for whatever reason.

Wait, I thought that was the only reason to get hung up on a chick, because you're attracted to her.

My suggestion is to hit the tennis courts or fitness/workout clubs...

Funny you say that, I was just thinking about bailing on work and going for a good run then hitting the free weights. Sounds like good advice.

...and find a girl...

Oh, you mean go to the gym to meet someone. I'm not usually into the fitness-addicts. I like a girl in good shape, don't get me wrong, but I find I'm more attracted to a specific personality than to a specific body type.

...that you would like to take a shower with.

...ooooooh...

That's, in my experience, usually a good ice-breaker.

Hmm, hard to call it bad advice, per se. I think I'll just got for a run.

 

[FlexGunship]

Anyway, I've benefitted from some of your posts, FlexGunship (itself a curious nom de plume). So, I read your OP. Wow ... weird. But entertaining.

I was stuck between:

• FlexGunship
• SmashDreadnaught
• BuffBattlecruiser, and
• LimpTugboat

Flex just seemed right.

Non-contenders were:

• RockHardslab
• BrickDeadlift
• RipSteakface
• BlastHardcheese
• HackBlowfist
• DirkHardpeck, and
• Andy Dick

 

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

Having come immediately from the 56 worst analogies to this thread, I might know why you're being ignored.

LOL you don't think i did that on purpose?? come on, i am the best and dishing out bad analogies

 

[JaredJames]

LimpTugboat

Nah mate, should have gone with that beauty!

 

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

This whole thing is starting to make me sick; honestly. It seems that anytime I meet someone I'm genuinely interested in and with whom I feel a significant connection... something external happens to ruin it. Last time, I was dating a girl with two kids. They lived with me, and things were great... until the father of her kids (arbitrarily) decided he wanted them all back. That was more than a year ago, and this is the first time since then that I've felt that kind of intuitive connection with someone.

EDIT: What do I do? Wait another year, meet another wonderful girl... and wait for her to get hit with space debris?

i know how you feel, the big C got in the way of my last good one that i dated... its hard to do something about that one...

 

[FlexGunship]

LOL you don't think i did that on purpose?? come on, i am the best and dishing out bad analogies

Dishing out bad analogies?

• That's like serving bear meat to a trout.
• That's like writing on the thin edge of the paper.
• That's like using invisible ink to correct a test.
• That's like... annoying.

 

[FlexGunship]

i know how you feel, the big C got in the way of my last good one that i dated... its hard to do something about that one...

Wow, that's terrible. I'm really sorry to hear that.

<attempts wry humor to lighten the mood>I assume you're not talking about Chicago.</humor>

 

[JaredJames]

BlastHardcheese

Sounds like a macho way of saying you're firing blanks!

 

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

Dishing out bad analogies?

• That's like serving bear meat to a trout.
• That's like writing on the thin edge of the paper.
• That's like using invisible ink to correct a test.
• That's like... annoying.

i don't obsess and fire off 10 bad analogies at once every day... just once in a while, i personally crack myself up

 

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

Wow, that's terrible. I'm really sorry to hear that.

<attempts wry humor to lighten the mood>I assume you're not talking about Chicago.</humor>

Dont worry about it, it sucks hardcore, and i don't even wish it on my worst enemies
but **** i still got to live, i can't waste my young life that she was deprived of, it would defeat the purpose of the very tender and valuable lesson i have learned

so...dont worry about it, i rather someone crack a joke than someone say "i'm so sorry"

 

[FlexGunship]

Nah mate, should have gone with that beauty!

My friend uses it as his gamer tag on XBox live.

EDIT: And another friend uses SmashDreadnaught on Battle.net

 

[FlexGunship]

Oh well, no response today. She gets out of work at 7. So, I guess I'll just wait-by-the-phone... (I have a cell phone, so that means I'll probably just go run for as long as possible before my heart explodes from either overexertion or loneliness ).

EDIT: Is it inappropriate to share personal photos on here? I figured I might upload a picture of myself if it's not too odd... I don't know why. Just... you know. Put a face to the story?

 

[JaredJames]

It wasn't long ago you left the message was it? Give it a chance.

 

[FlexGunship]

It wasn't long ago you left the message was it? Give it a chance.

Hah, well, yeah. You're right, of course. But when we talked prior to our date we had a steady tradition of text in the morning. Trade voice mail or texts at 2:00PM EST (her lunch break), and then a call that night after work.

I guess it's unfair to hope for the same behavior.

 

[Borek]

Is it inappropriate to share personal photos on here?

https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=7262