My Romantic Woes: A Story of Failed First Dates

[JaredJames]

I just mean if I'm doing something that involves being face-to-face with someone.

That's right, keep digging!

I do agree though, I don't mess with texts/email/phone when I'm with someone in person. That's just impolite.

 

[GeorginaS]

That's right, keep digging!

Okay, I'll cry "uncle" now. You win.

 

[cronxeh]

Stranger or not, male or female, I wouldn't abandon someone and I don't think very much of anyone who feels that is the right thing to do.

What others think of me is none of my business

Also, why would I hold her hand treat her with kid gloves? She picked that bar to go to, hence she takes responsibility for whatever harm might befall on her if she is left alone by herself. And if she is an objectionable character, then she will be left alone by yours truly, and I would not even think twice about it.

And look at it from my side of view- if I invited her out, my intentions are that she is going to end up in my bed tonight, not alone in the bar. Obviously her intentions were different if she decided to dump her emotional garbage all over me during our date and accumulate all the strikes against her. Hence, her intentions were to use me for whatever personal satisfaction and in the end to be left alone.

I'm just a lone swimmer, in the sea of acid, looking for my way home, surrounded by others just like me, swimming vehemently for days alongside of me

 

[FlexGunship]

I'm trying to see whether or not [...] Harriet constantly commandeers Mary's life with drama and bs, and Mary allows that, then, as suggested previously, run.

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's just so freakin' rare to meet a girl like her. And I feel like if Harriet hadn't intruded, we'd be getting along famously well right now; on our third date and planning a Scrabble party (we're both board game addicts).

Grr... now I'm worried that I'm ONLY attracted to crazy chicks.

 

[FlexGunship]

The problem is that I've worked hard to cultivate a very reasonable and powerfully rational mind which means I have no tools for dealing with women.

 

[GeorginaS]

The problem is that I've worked hard to cultivate a very reasonable and powerfully rational mind which means I have no tools for dealing with women.

Uh yeah? Well guys are three-headed creatures from the great beyond, as far as I'm concerned.

That makes us even, I figure.

 

[GeorginaS]

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's just so freakin' rare to meet a girl like her. And I feel like if Harriet hadn't intruded, we'd be getting along famously well right now; on our third date and planning a Scrabble party (we're both board game addicts).

Grr... now I'm worried that I'm ONLY attracted to crazy chicks.

I'm wondering where the last line came from.

Anyone who will sit down with you on a third date and play Scrabble, by definition, must be an awesome person. Do you have the OSPD? That's an absolute must if you're in any way serious about it. And one must always be serious about Scrabble. Edited to add: Wow, cool! Third date!

Here's another unsolicited observation from me, Flex. There are very, very few things in this lifetime that are all that serious. For real. If you're enjoying the woman's company, then do. If it becomes not enjoyable any more, then don't. And laugh. Just about everything is funny if you stop and think about for just a few seconds.

Honest. Have some fun with whatever wanders your way. And, if all else fails, you have a cool story to tell.

 

[FlexGunship]

Actually, a date was the second date. Wine tasting was the third. Scrabble was to come in the eventual future.

Like I said, we had planned more dates.

 

[Pyrrhus]

Actually, a date was the second date. Wine tasting was the third. Scrabble was to come in the eventual future.

Like I said, we had planned more dates.

Stop being obsessive, man. Ask her out? She said no? then move on. That's life.

 

[FlexGunship]

Stop being obsessive, man. Ask her out? She said no? then move on. That's life.

Woah! I was citing precedent. I've moved on. This thread hasn't.

 

[JaredJames]

I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like you've moved on. Sounds like you're pining for her a bit.

I take it you didn't get a reply then?

 

[FlexGunship]

I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like you've moved on. Sounds like you're pining for her a bit.

I take it you didn't get a reply then?

Sigh, observation noted. Sometimes it's hard to judge yourself, I guess. "Pining" though? Naw, she's not a fjord. And I'm not a dead parrot.

No, I didn't get a reply. I'm done.

 

[GeorginaS]

Dang! Sorry about that Flex. I misunderstood and thought that Scrabble plans et al were still on the go.

I can tell you this, though. There's lots more life on the way. Save this one as an interesting story to tell, laugh about it, and keep your eyes open. Yours is a story that's happened to most of us over, and over, and over again. Viewed as an adventure, it's fun.

 

[FlexGunship]

Viewed as an adventure, its fun.

This must be a definition of the word "fun" that I wasn't previously aware of.

I know factually that I will be fine, but I also don't think its unreasonable to be bummed out about missing out on a "good one" for what I feel is, essentially, ********.

 

[Pyrrhus]

This must be a definition of the word "fun" that I wasn't previously aware of.

I know factually that I will be fine, but I also don't think its unreasonable to be bummed out about missing out on a "good one" for what I feel is, essentially, ********.

Think of it this way, she's also missing out.

 

[Evo]

This must be a definition of the word "fun" that I wasn't previously aware of.

I know factually that I will be fine, but I also don't think its unreasonable to be bummed out about missing out on a "good one" for what I feel is, essentially, ********.

Think of it this way. If she was really a *good one*, she'd be dating you now. She wasn't.

 

[BobG]

Moving on. Some girls are just not worth the effort, and it is best to move on and not waste your time. Frankly a 3 strike policy would be the best approach. During the date, keep track of strikes against her, and just walk away on the third strike. Doesn't matter if you leaving her in the middle of the ghetto - just walk. Away.

Sorry, Flex, I'd love to be able to say "weird" for you, but in the world of my youth, your scenario only made the "annoying" grade. "Weird" had the potential to end with someone stripped to their underwear, tied to a chair and left in a phone booth on a busy street, late at night. Y'know?

They should make a movie about cronxeh's and Georgina's dating experiences. In the end, they could meet each other and then...

... oh, they're playing Scrabble.

 

[FlexGunship]

Think of it this way, she's also missing out.

Yeah, maybe. Given that it could be her friend forcing her to "miss out," I don't find this particularly consoling. I appreciate the thought, however.

Think of it this way. If she was really a *good one*, she'd be dating you now. She wasn't.

Hah! As though all sufficiently attractive and intelligent women wished they could date me. The premise is sweet, but the conclusion smells all wrong. Thanks, Evo.

 

[DaveC426913]

Yeah, maybe. Given that it could be her friend forcing her to "miss out," I don't find this particularly consoling. I appreciate the thought, however.

Her friend is not forcing her. It is still ulitmately her decision.

 

[FlexGunship]

Her friend is not forcing her. It is still ulitmately her decision.

Point taken Dave, but this seems to the deny the existence of coercion. True, it is her decision. But her friend could've made it a "me-or-him" proposition. In which case, does she really have a choice?

 

[JaredJames]

This is all speculation. It appears you have no idea what went wrong and why she's decided to let it go.

You're doing something most of us do and trying to assign blame away from yourself. Now I'm not saying you are the problem, but without knowing her reasons it's unfair to blame harriet for everything that's gone wrong.

You have to realize how silly it sounds when you say "she doesn't want to see me, it must be her friends fault". Especially when there's not exactly a solid reason to believe this.

 

[FlexGunship]

This is all speculation. It appears you have no idea what went wrong and why she's decided to let it go.

You're doing something most of us do and trying to assign blame away from yourself. Now I'm not saying you are the problem, but without knowing her reasons it's unfair to blame harriet for everything that's gone wrong.

You have to realize how silly it sounds when you say "she doesn't want to see me, it must be her friends fault". Especially when there's not exactly a solid reason to believe this.

Well, you're right about the content. It's not like I've never been rejected before. But this is the first time where our last communications were favorable, happy, funny, and flirty.

Furthermore, let me be clear: I want this to be my fault. If it is, I can take action to improve myself and my behavior on a date. But every time I look at it, I say: "what could I have done differently?"

I'm done.

 

[Pyrrhus]

Well, you're right about the content. It's not like I've never been rejected before. But this is the first time where our last communications were favorable, happy, funny, and flirty.

Furthermore, let me be clear: I want this to be my fault. If it is, I can take action to improve myself and my behavior on a date. But every time I look at it, I say: "what could I have done differently?"

I'm done.

I've been there. Trust me (you're not the first that have "interesting stories", and you won't be the last), sometimes it is better to just move on to the next one, especially when you know her for a short time anyway.

 

[cronxeh]

They should make a movie about cronxeh's and Georgina's dating experiences.

Man I've been there. I was patient and caring and waited, and said and done all the right things, but apparently there is always someone else out there that is not like me, someone who treats a girl like crap and gets her to hang on his every word, and body part.

So you know what? I snapped. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Ill give her a standard 3 strikes per date, and if she pisses me off 3 times, I am not going to backhand her, I am just walking away. No point in wasting my time, especially since it takes a lot to piss me off.

Also this seems to be purely an American thing. I never encountered such stupidity from girls of my culture.

 

[Evo]

Well, you're right about the content. It's not like I've never been rejected before. But this is the first time where our last communications were favorable, happy, funny, and flirty.

Furthermore, let me be clear: I want this to be my fault. If it is, I can take action to improve myself and my behavior on a date. But every time I look at it, I say: "what could I have done differently?"

I'm done.

I think Harriet was jealous of Mary's good luck, to be honest. Perhaps also afraid that Mary might start spending more time with you and she'd be the third wheel and that made her feel like more of a loser. (if what you said about her outburst at the bar is true).

I'll give you a real life scenario from when I dated. I started dating a professional German soccer player that was on an Australian team and had a German/Australian accent, blond, gorgeous hunk. I dumped him.

My best friend Theresa was the first to tell me to dump him because the three of us went out to a nice steak restaurant and after dinner she told me she hated the way he ate. Now, I have a fork rule, I will not date any man that holds his fork upside down, it's like dragging fingernails across a blackboard to me.

Anyway, he held his fork properly, so he passed, but she felt he ate with too much enthusiasm. Anyway, her opinion weighed heavily with me, how do I date a guy that grosses out my best friend without losing her respect? Ultimately the reason I dumped him was because being a soccer player, every inch of his body was hard as stone, it was creepy, he didn't feel human, I felt like I was touching a statue. He was too physically fit.

Soooo, the point is it could be any silly, meaningless reason. But I'm betting that Harriet was afraid for the reasons I stated above and she did you in.

 

[FlexGunship]

I think Harriet was jealous of Mary's good luck, to be honest. Perhaps also afraid that Mary might start spending more time with you and she'd be the third wheel and that made her feel like more of a loser.

[...]

Soooo, the point is it could be any silly, meaningless reason. But I'm betting that Harriet was afraid of the reasons I stated above and she did you in.

I'm totally biased, and I'm certainly fishing for an answer that seems most pleasant to me. This explanation seems to pass muster. I would still like to think I dropped the ball somewhere so i can be more careful next time.

But your explanation does the least harm to my ego and does, in fact, fit what I understand to be their relationship and the events I've witnessed.

You must be right.

 

[Dembadon]

Harriet's advice regarding Mary's relationships should be based on what's best for Mary.

Is talking to Harriet out of the question? It's hard to know what's going on without talking to both of them, but, even if you did get to talk to Harriet, she might not tell you the truth.

 

[JaredJames]

Harriets advice? What advice? I must have missed that post. (I'm now reading back through it because I feel like I've missed something here)

WTF people. We're making this up as we go.

We don't know the reason she stopped wanting to see flex and yet somehow it's been decided Harriet is to blame.

"Ooh, she didn't reply to him therefore it must be because of Harriet."

I can be as understanding and supportive as anyone, but I won't blow smoke. Yeah, Harriet doesn't sound like the most pleasant person, but does that automatically mean she ruined things?

She appears like someone with strange priorities (an ex's ex) and someone who likes to make a fuss of said issues. In this case it interfered with your date (thanks to your good intentions earlier).

I thought PF had rules on being overly speculative...

 

[cronxeh]

See if you told Harriet to stfu at least you'd be able to blame yourself

 

[JaredJames]

See if you told Harriet to stfu at least you'd be able to blame yourself

STFU and lamped her in the face. Now that would have made an interesting story.

 

[Evo]

Harriets advice? What advice? I must have missed that post. (I'm now reading back through it because I feel like I've missed something here)

WTF people. We're making this up as we go.

We don't know the reason she stopped wanting to see flex and yet somehow it's been decided Harriet is to blame.

"Ooh, she didn't reply to him therefore it must be because of Harriet."

I can be as understanding and supportive as anyone, but I won't blow smoke. Yeah, Harriet doesn't sound like the most pleasant person, but does that automatically mean she ruined things?

She appears like someone with strange priorities (an ex's ex) and someone who likes to make a fuss of said issues. In this case it interfered with your date (thanks to your good intentions earlier).

I thought PF had rules on being overly speculative...

Perhaps this

Two days later, she says she's not sure if we can date because Harriet hates me and Harriet is her best friend.

 

[cronxeh]

STFU and lamped her in the face. Now that would have made an interesting story.

Go balls out! ROAR!

 

[JaredJames]

Perhaps this

And since then we've been told how they were still in contact and quite friendly and things seemed ok.

If Harriet has said no to the whole idea of them dating, then the fact she's remained in contact, knowing flex is interested (heck they planned future dates) makes me think she's a total b*tch herself. Stringing him along if you will.

 

[DaveC426913]

...and lamped her in the face.

I had to look this up. Understand its use; still don't get its ontology.

 

[JaredJames]

I had to look this up. Understand its use; still don't get its ontology.

Lamped (or to lamp), where I live it's slang for punch or hit.

I have no idea what ontology is and so can't answer in that respect.

_{(For the record I was joking. Would never condone violence on a woman [or anyone for that matter] before anyone comes back at me for it.)}

 

[FlexGunship]

Harriets advice? What advice? I must have missed that post. (I'm now reading back through it because I feel like I've missed something here)

Well, I have to admit that I condensed the story to begin with. Then when it seemed additional details were needed, I added them a la carte. The actual condensed timeline of our last interaction was like this:

• Me: It's weird that I haven't heard from you
• Her: Yeah, I don't know about the whole situation
• Me: What do you mean?
• Her: Harriet hates you and she's my best friend.
• Me: Well, don't worry. I'm sure things will be fine.
• Her: Yeah, I know. I'm going to talk to her tonight.
• Me: Good idea.
• Her: Can I have a pic to cheer me up.
• Me: <sends pic> I'm going bowling now, wish me luck!
• Her: Mmm, you look good :) Good luck! (<--- last thing ever heard from her)

That's actually very close (verbatim) to our final conversation. The "Mmm, you look good :) Good luck!" is character-for-character.

(Historical note: She mentioned at one point (PRIOR TO THIS CONVERSATION), that Harriet told her that I was hitting on her. But I cleared it up quickly by saying: "I've never cheated on anyone, but the first time I try is on a first date, with my date's best friend, while sitting right next to her?" And her response was: "I know... you're right. She's probably just making it up to make me not like you."

So I don't count that as being important since I don't think she ever believed Harriet. EDIT: Although, it should give you an idea of some of Harriet's personality traits if her best friend knows she's capable of lying about that.)

 

[Dembadon]

Harriets advice? What advice? I must have missed that post. (I'm now reading back through it because I feel like I've missed something here)

WTF people. We're making this up as we go.

We don't know the reason she stopped wanting to see flex and yet somehow it's been decided Harriet is to blame.

"Ooh, she didn't reply to him therefore it must be because of Harriet."

I can be as understanding and supportive as anyone, but I won't blow smoke. Yeah, Harriet doesn't sound like the most pleasant person, but does that automatically mean she ruined things?

She appears like someone with strange priorities (an ex's ex) and someone who likes to make a fuss of said issues. In this case it interfered with your date (thanks to your good intentions earlier).

I thought PF had rules on being overly speculative...

To whom are you speaking? If it's me, I don't see anything in my post that could be considered overly speculative. If anything, I admit to not being able to judge the situation without having more information.

... It's hard to know what's going on without talking to both of them. ...

 

[JaredJames]

To whom are you speaking? If it's me, I don't see anything in my post that could be considered overly speculative. If anything, I admit to not being able to judge the situation without having more information.

Was just a general rant at some of the things people have been saying.

 

[Borek]

Now, I have a fork rule, I will not date any man that holds his fork upside down

[URL]http://www.bpp.com.pl/IMG/faint.gif[/URL]

 

[BobG]

I have a fork rule, I will not date any man that holds his fork upside down, it's like dragging fingernails across a blackboard to me.

That's a good rule to have. It's embarrassing to eat with someone who can't use their fork properly.

 

[DaveC426913]

So I don't count that as being important since I don't think she ever believed Harriet. EDIT: Although, it should give you an idea of some of Harriet's personality traits if her best friend knows she's capable of lying about that.)

I suggest that you contact her. Ask how she's been. Tell her you're just seeing how she's doing.

Ask her if, Harriet's issues aside, does she like you? You're not sure if your date got a fair shake. And can she see past Harriet's problem?


You might spur her into saying to herself 'Gee, who's life is it anyway?'. If she does come around, she will likely get Harriet to fall in line. (After all, that 'best friend' door swings both ways.)

It would be a shame if, because you didn't give it every chance, this died before it got started.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

 

[FlexGunship]

I suggest that you contact her. Ask how she's been. Tell her you're just seeing how she's doing.

Ask her if, Harriet's issues aside, does she like you? You're not sure if your date got a fair shake. And can she see past Harriet's problem?


You might spur her into saying to herself 'Gee, who's life is it anyway?'. If she does come around, she will likely get Harriet to fall in line. (After all, that 'best friend' door swings both ways.)

It would be a shame if, because you didn't give it every chance, this died before it got started.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

Well, it's a good idea. Maybe I'll give it more time? I hate the feeling of begging for attention. Since the last time I got any word from her ("good luck!"), I must've sent her 10 text messages and tried to call twice.

To be fair, most of it was me telling her about bowling and asking her how things with Heather went before I caught on to there being a problem. So, I sent her one the day after asking what was up, another text the day after that asking if we could talk (then a follow up phone call), and finally I sent her a simple text on Saturday.

I think I've made an attempt. I was going to let it cool off and MAYBE try one more time. But, I dunno... the message is clear.

 

[Borek]

10 text messages about bowling - that changes things to me. One would do. She could felt flooded. And I am deadly serious.

 

[JaredJames]

I said it seemed needy and a bit intense about two pages back.

Given the new info, it does seem like you over did it.

 

[FlexGunship]

10 text messages about bowling - that changes things to me. One would do. She could felt flooded. And I am deadly serious.

I said it seemed needy and a bit intense about two pages back.

Given the new info, it does seem like you over did it.

Uhh, maybe. Again, kind of out of context. Boy, I feel like I'm painting myself as some sort of inept dater.

Examples: she used to text me every morning to say "good morning, xxxx" (where xxxx was a pet name), and we used to text through the whole work day. I would come back to 15 texts from here about how annoying some guy on the phone was. I dunno... it was the dynamic. It wasn't unprecedented, and I would carefully argue she was much more prone to it than me (I got a small narrative about her shopping for a brush or something... she couldn't find them, the lady was rude, they didn't have the one she wanted...).

And I said 10 total... that's only like 4 or 5 about bowling.

 

[BobG]

Uhh, maybe. Again, kind of out of context. Boy, I feel like I'm painting myself as some sort of inept dater.

...

And I said 10 total... that's only like 4 or 5 about bowling.

Text messages about bowling? I can't imagine why anyone would think you're some sort of inept dater. At least you managed to avoid the mistake of telling her she had beautiful eyes.


https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=272763&highlight=pick-up+lines&page=3

 

[FlexGunship]

Text messages about bowling? I can't imagine why anyone would think you're some sort of inept dater. At least you managed to avoid the mistake of telling her she had beautiful eyes.


https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=272763&highlight=pick-up+lines&page=3

Sigh... point taken. Just for the record, she asked to come be my cheerleader the night of our date (it was going to be our second date).

Grr... okay, I officially give you guys permission to rip me apart. I guess we're at the point now.

 

[JaredJames]

Grr... okay, I officially give you guys permission to rip me apart. I guess we're at the point now.

Oh crap, we're supposed to wait for permission?

 

[lisab]

Well, it's a good idea. Maybe I'll give it more time? I hate the feeling of begging for attention. Since the last time I got any word from her ("good luck!"), I must've sent her 10 text messages and tried to call twice.

To be fair, most of it was me telling her about bowling and asking her how things with Heather went before I caught on to there being a problem. So, I sent her one the day after asking what was up, another text the day after that asking if we could talk (then a follow up phone call), and finally I sent her a simple text on Saturday.

I think I've made an attempt. I was going to let it cool off and MAYBE try one more time. But, I dunno... the message is clear.

Who's Heather? Oh, do you mean Harriet?! D'OH, cat's out of the bag!

 

[JaredJames]

Who's Heather? Oh, do you mean Harriet?! D'OH, cat's out of the bag!

Nice catch!