Navigating Life with an MMO Addict: Seeking Advice

[chayced]

My wife is an MMO addict. I knew it before we were married, but I never saw how bad it was. Currently she spends between 6 and 12+ hours playing her game a day. We have 3 young kids and I have a full time job with plenty of overtime. While she does keep the kids fed and when prompted does keep the house from turning into a disaster area, I am not satisfied with how much time she spends playing online not including time just spent on the game forums and such.

Now I need some help.

Is spending 40-60 hours playing a game per week unreasonable even if you maintain most of your outside responsibilities?

Is there any reasonable way for me to help this situation without being the bad guy?

Does anyone have any personal examples that could be helpful?

Are there any useful resources for this? (Yes I can google, but something that has helped someone else would be preferred to rolling the dice.)

I know there are people out there who get fired from work or drop out of school because of their addiction, and although this is not one of those examples it is still frustrating. I would be much happier if my wife had goals and ambitions outside of her game which she actually strived for.

Any input is appreciated! Thanks guys!

 

[MissSilvy]

It's certainly not very healthy but the fact that she functions well and it doesn't take over her normal duties and life makes it a sticky situation. MMO addiction is serious and if she really does spend 40+ hours on a game, it's a sad waste of time. Then again, if you replace 'plays MMOs' with 'reads books' or 'runs marathons', this probably wouldn't be an issue at all. Most people have hobbies and a few people take those hobbies to extremes.

People say that an addiction is dangerous when it either threatens their health or takes over everything else. Since it does neither, and your main issue seems to be that it frustrates you or you want her to do something else, I'm a bit skeptical. If she is a stay-at-home mom (which I'm inferring, correct me if I'm wrong) it makes sense that she'd be addicted to MMOs. They're playable from home, pausable, and break up the mundaneness of the day. If her inactivity is making her gain weight, lose sleep, or any other health problem, I'd speak to her about it from that angle.

Otherwise, what else would you like her to do? 'Goals and ambitions' is a rather vague statement.

 

[Huckleberry]

Move to South Korea and she could be the next Choi Yeon.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/12/18/GAMERS.TMP

Or, if spending more time with her is what you want then plan some getaways. Go to the beach or camping. Bring the kids along if they are old enough. They will need some fond memories of growing up. Go out on a date to a restaurant or something. Use some romance. Do things as a family or as a couple. She'll miss her game, but hopefully she will also enjoy spending time doing things with her family.

If you approach this from the angle that she should do something else with her time because you don't like it then I think you're not going to enjoy the results. It would be a mistake to start out playing the blame game.

 

[Pengwuino]

Yah it really depends on how it effects you. If you feel she isn't paying attention to you, that's certainly a problem. If she is putting off dreams and goals and ambitions, it is a problem. If neither of these are problems (because honestly, you can't force someone to have goals and ambitions), then maybe it isn't a problem. You should have a serious talk with her and see how she feels about it and everything. Maybe it isn't a problem. Maybe it is.

If it goes beyond a game, however, that in of itself is a problem. I hear a lot about people forming emotional connections to people in these games and I'm sure I don't have to go over how bad that can be. I do mean emotional period, not "emotional" as in being attracted to people or anything; where they start thinking the people online are their real friends.

 

[MissSilvy]

Oh that is a good point.

Don't be quick to disregard her as without goals or easily amused. I've had a few friends that went into serious video game addiction because they were depressed or unhappy with their 'real lives'. If she really is depressed, or if this addiction is a symptom of something deeper, then there's a good chance that, with proper care and support, she can redirect her energy to more fruitful pursuits.

 

[Huckleberry]

If it goes beyond a game, however, that in of itself is a problem. I hear a lot about people forming emotional connections to people in these games and I'm sure I don't have to go over how bad that can be. I do mean emotional period, not "emotional" as in being attracted to people or anything; where they start thinking the people online are their real friends.

I might be interpreting this wrong, but are you saying that people who meet online can not really be friends? That's not true. It's as possible as it is in any chat room or forum such as this one.

 

[Cyrus]

Wow, that's almost as much time as I spend on PF.

 

[Pengwuino]

I might be interpreting this wrong, but are you saying that people who meet online can not really be friends? That's not true. It's as possible as it is in any chat room or forum such as this one.

Yes, that's a bit of a stretch. I'll be more precise. The same qualities and characteristics of a real friendship are much harder to find in online friendships and have much greater risks then real friendships. It seems a lot of people who study such social issues talk about who people are online as "fronts" for who the people really are. Even people who aren't intentionally trying to be someone else are usually at the least, more "open" online then they would be in real life. To me, this means there is something quite different about online friendships and relationships.

 

[Huckleberry]

Yes, that's a bit of a stretch. I'll be more precise. The same qualities and characteristics of a real friendship are much harder to find in online friendships and have much greater risks then real friendships. It seems a lot of people who study such social issues talk about who people are online as "fronts" for who the people really are. Even people who aren't intentionally trying to be someone else are usually at the least, more "open" online then they would be in real life. To me, this means there is something quite different about online friendships and relationships.

You mean that guy from Zimbabwe that wanted me to open an account for him wasn't my friend?

There is the added element of internet predation to consider. The internet provides an illusion of safety. I suppose that could be an obstacle to building trust in an online friendship, but I don't think it makes friendships any less real. I've known a few people that met online and later married. I've met a few online friends myself and they've all been great. I've also had 'friends' I met in real life steal from and lie to me. People can use 'fronts' anytime, anywhere.

 

[Borg]

My wife is an MMO addict. I knew it before we were married, but I never saw how bad it was. Currently she spends between 6 and 12+ hours playing her game a day. We have 3 young kids and I have a full time job with plenty of overtime. While she does keep the kids fed and when prompted does keep the house from turning into a disaster area, I am not satisfied with how much time she spends playing online not including time just spent on the game forums and such.

Now I need some help.

Is spending 40-60 hours playing a game per week unreasonable even if you maintain most of your outside responsibilities?

Is there any reasonable way for me to help this situation without being the bad guy?

Does anyone have any personal examples that could be helpful?

Are there any useful resources for this? (Yes I can google, but something that has helped someone else would be preferred to rolling the dice.)

I know there are people out there who get fired from work or drop out of school because of their addiction, and although this is not one of those examples it is still frustrating. I would be much happier if my wife had goals and ambitions outside of her game which she actually strived for.

Any input is appreciated! Thanks guys!

Have you tried joining her in the game for a few hours at a time? Perhaps you can use that connection to get her to become more connected in the real world. It would also help you to understand her life in that world.

If you approach this from the angle that she should do something else with her time because you don't like it then I think you're not going to enjoy the results. It would be a mistake to start out playing the blame game.

I agree with Huckleberry on this. Don't attack something that she obviously enjoys. Find out what she enjoys about it.

 

[russ_watters]

What would bother me is that that is essentially her full time job and you are paying her to do it!

Besides which, I don't agree that she's doing her job as a parent - there is more to being a parent than simply making sure your kids don't starve. 3 young kids require essentially constant attention.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

The only guy I know that had a wife who played MMO games got his wife into the game in the first place. So I've never really heard much about trying to get ones wife to stop playing computer games.

What type of game is it? Is it one of those ones like Second Life? Those are kinda creepy and I could imagine them causing all sorts of problems.

What would bother me is that that is essentially her full time job and you are paying her to do it!

Besides which, I don't agree that she's doing her job as a parent - there is more to being a parent than simply making sure your kids don't starve. 3 young kids require essentially constant attention.

School, homework, sleeping... it is possible that there is plenty of time in the day that she does not need to spend with the children. Of course we don't know how old they are so its hard to determine.

 

[Pengwuino]

School, homework, sleeping... it is possible that there is plenty of time in the day that she does not need to spend with the children. Of course we don't know how old they are so its hard to determine.

one could only dream! Kids arent grad students, they don't spend every moment outside of sleep and school doing homework :P.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

one could only dream! Kids arent grad students, they don't spend every moment outside of sleep and school doing homework :P.

Sure, but she could probably easily get 6 hours in over the course of the day if she plays while the kids are at school, while they do a couple hours of homework, and maybe for a couple hours after they go to bed.

 

[Pengwuino]

Sure, but she could probably easily get 6 hours in over the course of the day if she plays while the kids are at school, while they do a couple hours of homework, and maybe for a couple hours after they go to bed.

Wait wait... does she have a job? If not, the whole argument is out the window since 40 hours a week gaming is just replacing 40 hours a week working which would make perfect sense.

However, if she does have a job... then I can't imagine being able to put that amount of time in. Come to think of it, the OP mentioned he's working plenty of overtime which (by reading between the lines, hopefully correctly) means finances might be a problem and I'm guessing she doesn't work? I think we need some more details!

 

[Chi Meson]

I have three young children (now 4, 6, and 8 years old). My wife runs ultramarathons and trains "all the time" for them, and then blogs about the whole thing. (http://runhomepam.blogspot.com ) I'd say it takes up a total of 15 to 20 hours per week. Then she home-schools the kids.

40-60 hours of ANYthing that is entirely a personal pastime when there are 3 young ones in the home, sounds absolutely neglectful to me. But I'm coming from an unusual perspective of parenting; I'd be concerned if the hours were only half of what you are estimating.

How old are your kids? Are there any signs of behavior issues?

 

[junglebeast]

chayced,

MMO's are a form of escapism from the real world. It shows that she is bored with her real life and lacks real goals. I think its getting pretty normal to go through a phase of video game addiction as kids, especially because kids often haven't figured out what their goals in life are yet...they simply want to have fun. But for a full grown adult, with kids, I think this is a very troubling sign.

Personally, I would not want my life partner to be someone lacking in real world aspirations who was content to waste away their remaining years in a virtual game. You could offer her an ultimatum, me or the game, but I doubt that's likely to improve the situation -- she has already made her preference clear. You can't expect her to radically change her lifestyle now. Honestly, these are things you should have detected when you married your wife..right? Did she have any aspirations then, or did she just tell you that she wanted to be a housewife?

If you're comfortable with her being a housewife -- a role that is already devoid of real aspirations -- then you might as well let her play her game. I mean, you can't expect her to stay sane just sitting around the house all day doing nothing. If you want her to be chasing her own dreams, maybe you ought to have a talk with her and see if she actually HAS any dreams to chase after...and if the answer is no, you have no hope of ever ending this.

 

[rootX]

Take all the family to a place with no internet for like a week or more

 

[Chi Meson]

If you're comfortable with her being a housewife -- a role that is already devoid of real aspirations -- then you might as well let her play her game. I mean, you can't expect her to stay sane just sitting around the house all day doing nothing. If you want her to be chasing her own dreams, maybe you ought to have a talk with her and see if she actually HAS any dreams to chase after...and if the answer is no, you have no hope of ever ending this.

I totally agree with this. And with RootX's comment.

 

[chayced]

Yah it really depends on how it effects you. If you feel she isn't paying attention to you, that's certainly a problem. If she is putting off dreams and goals and ambitions, it is a problem.

Well, she certainly used to have dreams and ambitions. Now all she wants to do is be a mom and play her game. Whenever I get attention I have to fight the game for it, and 'just a minute' often means an hour or more. She gets frustrated because I always interrupt her while she's playing, I get frustrated because she spends all of her free time playing.

Oh that is a good point.

Don't be quick to disregard her as without goals or easily amused. I've had a few friends that went into serious video game addiction because they were depressed or unhappy with their 'real lives'. If she really is depressed, or if this addiction is a symptom of something deeper, then there's a good chance that, with proper care and support, she can redirect her energy to more fruitful pursuits.

Could be true, but no way of treating it without her admitting to it. The only signs of depression I see happen when she can't play the game for a period of time.

Have you tried joining her in the game for a few hours at a time? Perhaps you can use that connection to get her to become more connected in the real world. It would also help you to understand her life in that world.

Yeah, been there done that. She would always say that she wanted to play with me, and when I would log on it would take her an hour to finish with her group and join me. I normally only have a couple hours of free time on my workdays, so an hour wasted it precious. During my days off I have tried, but when we both start playing nothing gets done around the house. I admit that I can be a game addict as well.

What would bother me is that that is essentially her full time job and you are paying her to do it!

Besides which, I don't agree that she's doing her job as a parent - there is more to being a parent than simply making sure your kids don't starve. 3 young kids require essentially constant attention.

Yeah, the worst part is we used to send the kids to daycare. I'm frustrated because I can only assume that what I see on my days off is what my wife does while I'm at work. She tells me how she doesn't get as involved in the game when I am not here, but I'm skeptical. When I have a long day at work it looks like I worked for 12 hours, when she has a long day at 'work' it looks like she worked for 4. Maybe I'm missing something else that eats up the other 8 hours, but I don't think so.

What type of game is it? Is it one of those ones like Second Life? Those are kinda creepy and I could imagine them causing all sorts of problems.



School, homework, sleeping... it is possible that there is plenty of time in the day that she does not need to spend with the children. Of course we don't know how old they are so its hard to determine.

She plays Vanguard Saga of Heroes, it's a WoW kind of MMO. None of our kids are school age yet. Oldest is going next year.

I have three young children (now 4, 6, and 8 years old). My wife runs ultramarathons and trains "all the time" for them, and then blogs about the whole thing. (http://runhomepam.blogspot.com ) I'd say it takes up a total of 15 to 20 hours per week. Then she home-schools the kids.

40-60 hours of ANYthing that is entirely a personal pastime when there are 3 young ones in the home, sounds absolutely neglectful to me. But I'm coming from an unusual perspective of parenting; I'd be concerned if the hours were only half of what you are estimating.

How old are your kids? Are there any signs of behavior issues?

The kids behave just fine our oldest is 5, they are better behaved than most. I would be happy if my wife spent 20 hours a week with a real hobby, but right now the only thing that interests her is the dang game. Now keep in mind that half or more of the time she spends online is after the kids go to bed, but that means that I never get any time with her without the kids.

chayced,

MMO's are a form of escapism from the real world. It shows that she is bored with her real life and lacks real goals. I think its getting pretty normal to go through a phase of video game addiction as kids, especially because kids often haven't figured out what their goals in life are yet...they simply want to have fun. But for a full grown adult, with kids, I think this is a very troubling sign.

Personally, I would not want my life partner to be someone lacking in real world aspirations who was content to waste away their remaining years in a virtual game. You could offer her an ultimatum, me or the game, but I doubt that's likely to improve the situation -- she has already made her preference clear. You can't expect her to radically change her lifestyle now. Honestly, these are things you should have detected when you married your wife..right? Did she have any aspirations then, or did she just tell you that she wanted to be a housewife?

If you're comfortable with her being a housewife -- a role that is already devoid of real aspirations -- then you might as well let her play her game. I mean, you can't expect her to stay sane just sitting around the house all day doing nothing. If you want her to be chasing her own dreams, maybe you ought to have a talk with her and see if she actually HAS any dreams to chase after...and if the answer is no, you have no hope of ever ending this.

Yeah, MMOs are escapism but she has been playing for so long I don't think she knows what she is escaping from anymore. When we got married she had aspirations and goals, but now she's decided that she's happy just being a housewife that plays videogames all the time. It's like watching a brother who used to want to be a doctor but now wants to live on mom and dads couch playing halo. I don't know how to relate to her, but I do know someday she is going to wake up and realize just how much of her life she has wasted and what she could have acomplished with that time.

 

[Mech_Engineer]

I have a friend that has been addicted to Everquest for the 9 years I have known him. He has failed classes, dropped out of college, and now works a close to minimum wage job to basically support his addiction.

Due to the fact that he was a friend rather than my wife, I would use somewhat passive-aggressive techniques to get him out of the game, like secretly blocking specific ports on the router to make it seem as though the Everquest internet server was "down" or the like. Then, I would invite him to come do something with me and others like off-roading or shooting guns or hanging out. Most of the time he would take the bait, but in the end there was only so much I could do. Now I have since graduated and he lives with his wife as a bit of a home-husband (no kids yet for them).

It was very frustrating for me to watch him esentially ruin his academic career due to a computer game, but from the whole experience I learned that he had to be the one that wanted to change, I couldn't force him.

 

[Saladsamurai]

I just had to look up what MMO is...Tell her to get a life and take those kids for a hike or something.

Or just break the PC...just 'accidently' spill a gallon of water on it and if she gives you any lip...knock her down son.

 

[junglebeast]

The addiction in MMO's works by creating a virtual character that is a simulacrum of oneself, and then constantly improving on that virtual character. This requires constant investment of time and it creates an emotional attachment. I have a very addictive personality and have had some addiction problems myself, but fortunately I have enough goals in the real world that it has always been very short lived. In order to break this addiction you have to want to break the habit, and you have to kill the character. In the past I have done this by selling the CD-code on ebay, or generously giving away all the equipment I have worked so hard for to other players in the game.

Periodically there will be brief moments where I feel the urge to go back and play, but since the character has been killed, this urge quickly fades because there is no fun in starting over from scratch and re-doing all the tedious work to get to the level where I quit the game at. Simply putting the game away and saying "I won't play it anymore" is NOT effective, because your character will be saved on their online servers just tempting you to come back and continue where you left off at any time.

If you ever do get her to admit that she needs to stop, get her to permanently destroy her character in this fashion before she changes her mind.

Going on a vacation away from the computer does not help. In fact I find that it can fuel the obsession even worse, because MMO's are not actually very much fun to play. The fun all comes from the mental imagination that is associated with improving the character and reaching new levels. When you are separated from the game, this leaves you only with that imaginary fantasy and it allows your imagination only sees the good side...making you feel like you could be having so much fun if you were back there playing..even though actually playing can be a bit dull. Throughout the duration of being on vacation, she would likely just be irritable and daydreaming about being in front of her computer..and then she will binge on it when she returns.

 

[butterfli]

Yeah, MMOs are escapism but she has been playing for so long I don't think she knows what she is escaping from anymore. When we got married she had aspirations and goals, but now she's decided that she's happy just being a housewife that plays videogames all the time. It's like watching a brother who used to want to be a doctor but now wants to live on mom and dads couch playing halo. I don't know how to relate to her, but I do know someday she is going to wake up and realize just how much of her life she has wasted and what she could have acomplished with that time.

I think you're being a bit too pessimistic about the situation by making such extreme comparison. A brother who ditches their goals to live at home and game is problematic because such a person is not bringing in income for the family while is being another mouth to feed. (I'm assuming you're financially stable) as a stay-at-home mother, your wife has a lot of time on her hands and "nothing to do" after finishing her responsibilities (cleaning the house, feeding the kids, etc).

Being an MMO player myself, a huge contribution to all MMOs players that keep them hooked is not the game but the social interaction with others. And unlike real life social interactions, in-game EVERYONE has something in common to talk about and keep the conversation going. They can talk about anything in the game: the game's economy, the game's company, the gameplay itself, etc. You can't get that kind of interaction with a stranger on the streets. So perhaps to get her away from online gaming, you can try what some here already suggested: going places as a family such as camping, malls, amusement parks, maybe invite friends and relatives to come along.

 

[texasblitzem]

I would take the kids on a two or three day mini-vacation(not too far away), and see if she even notices that ya'll aren't there. When (or if) she calls your cell phone to find out where you're at, tell her you asked her if she wanted to come but she was too "busy". Maybe even tell her that ya'll aren't coming home until she gives up the game for good.

 

[Cyrus]

Wow, I'm blown away that people can spend so much time on these games! That's nuts!

I waste a lot of time on PF, but at least that's doing something educational.

 

[chayced]

I think you're being a bit too pessimistic about the situation by making such extreme comparison. A brother who ditches their goals to live at home and game is problematic because such a person is not bringing in income for the family while is being another mouth to feed. (I'm assuming you're financially stable) as a stay-at-home mother, your wife has a lot of time on her hands and "nothing to do" after finishing her responsibilities (cleaning the house, feeding the kids, etc).

You bet, so I should just get a job with much less responsibility so I am only skating by because it's all I need to do? We are financially stable because I work my butt off. I've offered to become a stay at home dad several times, all she has to do is start earning more money than me. I'm even a pretty fair cook.

Being an MMO player myself, a huge contribution to all MMOs players that keep them hooked is not the game but the social interaction with others. And unlike real life social interactions, in-game EVERYONE has something in common to talk about and keep the conversation going. They can talk about anything in the game: the game's economy, the game's company, the gameplay itself, etc. You can't get that kind of interaction with a stranger on the streets. So perhaps to get her away from online gaming, you can try what some here already suggested: going places as a family such as camping, malls, amusement parks, maybe invite friends and relatives to come along.

She talks about the game when she is away from it. It's one of the few things we regularly talk about. I don't see how a family outing is going to help, and you try planning one with 3 young kids. It's worse than planning the moon landing just to get out of the house for the weekend I can only imagine trying to get a week away.

I would take the kids on a two or three day mini-vacation(not too far away), and see if she even notices that ya'll aren't there. When (or if) she calls your cell phone to find out where you're at, tell her you asked her if she wanted to come but she was too "busy". Maybe even tell her that ya'll aren't coming home until she gives up the game for good.

She does notice. It's not that bad, but I could disappear for about an hour and a half while she is playing. Also if the kids are quiet for more than 30 minutes she goes to investigate. As for a 'It's the game or us.' ultimatum, I don't force those decisions unless I already know the answer.

 

[MissSilvy]

I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh in their judgment. It's just a game, not a drug addiction. I think chayced is more worried about getting her to do something more productive that she actually enjoys instead of something she enjoys but does nothing for her except suck away her time.

Chayced, this is a situation a lot of spouses are faced with. My friend got married young and even though her husband goes to work and earns a decent paycheck (and is a nice person and father), she's still sad that he chooses to spend hours a day watching movies and playing video games instead of getting a hobby or skill he loves. It's more a frustration at the waste of potential than "Oh, he sucks because he sits in front of the TV all day."

Unfortunately, you can't change people if they don't want to change. Fortunately, you seem like a decent chap and I'll bet if she expressed a wish to actually do something with herself, you'd support her. I would ask her what she wants to do with her life or her goals or anything really, until you get an honest answer. "I want to play video games all day" and "nothing" are not honest answers. Everyone has little pet desires that they'd like to pursue, so encourage her to do that. Does she want to go back to school part time? Check out local community colleges. Does she want to learn how to do something like, I don't know, learn how to bake bonsbons or how to flyfish or anything at all? Then look at practical ways to make it happen. I don't think she'll ever quite cold-turkey but if she finds something else to occupy her time or something else she can focus on then she can cut down on the MMO significantly.

 

[Pengwuino]

I think the fact Chayced mentioned that he feels neglected is a giant red flag. The situation might require professional counseling. Everything else seems fairly minor but if it could actually affect the intimacy of your marriage, something's wrong, and the little tricks like going out for a weekend to see if she notices or tricking her into not playing aren't going to work.

 

[russ_watters]

School, homework, sleeping... it is possible that there is plenty of time in the day that she does not need to spend with the children. Of course we don't know how old they are so its hard to determine.

When the OP said "3 young kids", I assumed that meant that at least one was too young for school, which means 100% constant supervision. Chi Meson's wife can't go for a run when he's at work, for example (also, writing a blog doesn't take 100% of your attention, unlike most video games I know of).

And "3 young kids" means none are teenagers, ie, none are old enough for real homework.

 

[russ_watters]

Well, she certainly used to have dreams and ambitions.

Still operating on the assumption that your kids are not in school, when your kids do go to school (or worse, college), she's going to be left with no life whatsoever. My mother was that way (her only life was being a housewife, I mean) and though she found aspirations and hobbies later in life (she got a college degree at age 50! and plays golf and bridge excessively), she hasn't completely recovered from the sense of uselessness that that caused. She needs a social life and a life plan now or she'll regret it for the rest of her life.

Could be true, but no way of treating it without her admitting to it. The only signs of depression I see happen when she can't play the game for a period of time.

Which is a real symptom of depression. She doesn't have to admit it though, she only has to trust/love you enough to seek consultation with a psychologist. The way you frame the issue is to make it all about you: "Honey, I'm worried, go talk to a pshrink for me so that I am not so worried about you." Make it sound like you are the one with the problem and she can just spend 1 hour confirming that you are crazy to solve it. Then you let him/her convince her it's a problem.

I had a rough time in college and played way too many video games and had a bad social life (and bad grades). The weird part was, I knew exactly what my problem was at the time, but couldn't solve it. I suppose that's the definition of "addiction". I probably play less than 4 hours a week now, but I do notice that if things are going really badly for me, that increases dramatically.

 

[Math Jeans]

I might offer a suggestion: go on a really long vacation (or multiple vacations with really short breaks in-between) during the summer for 2 years in a row.

I used to be pretty addicted to this game, and I found that that after taking a summer away from home, the game suddenly got boring. Funny how that works. Now I haven't played the game actively in about a year.

I have also found through personal experience that it is very easy to suddenly drop a game should something particularly bad happen to your character, if you get my drift .

 

[Greg Bernhardt]

I used to be pretty addicted to this game, and I found that that after taking a summer away from home, the game suddenly got boring. Funny how that works. Now I haven't played the game actively in about a year.

True, but be prepared for the first week to not be much fun. I have been an avid gamer for years and I remember being addicted to games and it affecting relationships. There were times I would be removed from the game and it was all I thought about and I wanted to play so badly.

 

[Math Jeans]

True, but be prepared for the first week to not be much fun. I have been an avid gamer for years and I remember being addicted to games and it affecting relationships. There were times I would be removed from the game and it was all I thought about and I wanted to play so badly.

Well, I spent the summer at a cybercamp learning 3D modeling. Suffice it to say, it was a sufficient substitute for me, and I was REALLY addicted to that game.

 

[rootX]

I had a small addiction to http://www.microsoft.com/Games/riseofnations/" but after finding the cheats, I lost all the interest.

 

[Huckleberry]

I have also found through personal experience that it is very easy to suddenly drop a game should something particularly bad happen to your character, if you get my drift .

Sabotage would be viewed as a personal attack. It's below the board and I wouldn't consider it as an option. If the game is threatening the relationship or the children's development, and no other method works then setting parental controls or stopping payment of the bill on your credit card would be better options. Sneaking around destroying things is pretty much the death knell for trust.

chayced, does your wife have any friends or family that she maintains relationships with in reality? If she doesn't then she needs some. Perhaps arranging some kind of regular social gathering would help her make friends outside the game and reduce her reliance upon it. Think about a neighborhood pot luck, invite some friends from work and their spouses and children over for dinner. Keep in mind that this game is her main social network. If you want to limit it or remove it then it needs a replacement.

Your concern that you feel neglected is more important than this game. It could lead to serious relationship problems. If this is the case then she needs to know it, and the sooner the better. Tell her clearly what your needs are while being considerate of hers as well. Be helpful in arranging that both your needs are met. Make it fun and cooperative. You can be insistant without making demands or being angry. Think of it as flirting with your wife. Let her know that you love her and want to spend more time with her even if its something as simple as dancing in the kitchen or snuggling on the front porch. It's all foreplay and makes her feel desirable. If it's done right the game doesn't stand a chance.

The development of the children is probably the biggest concern here. Russ is right that they need more than just regular meals. They have each other to play with so that helps, but mom should be an influence in their life and not just the person that cleans up after them and prepares meals. I don't know if that is the case, and I know nothing about raising children so I'll leave it there. It can be a very personal issue. If it is an issue then keep in mind it is for the sake of the children and not a tool for leverage in another argument.

Ok, I've said too much already. Time for me to spend a few hours splattering zombie brains on some virtual scenery. I used to play MMOs, but I got tired of dealing with all the inventory and perturbed players. So I didn't know that the kick ability doesn't stop a druid from shapeshifting. So what! At least I know how to spell loser and rogue. That gets old real fast.

 

[Math Jeans]

I was kidding about that part. My only suggestion was the vacation thing.

 

[chayced]

Sabotage would be viewed as a personal attack. It's below the board and I wouldn't consider it as an option. If the game is threatening the relationship or the children's development, and no other method works then setting parental controls or stopping payment of the bill on your credit card would be better options. Sneaking around destroying things is pretty much the death knell for trust.

Remember this is my wife and not my child. About all I can do is cancel our Internet service and even that will be seen as a personal attack. I tried using a parental control program but she hated it and resented me for it. When forced to control her addiction she acts like she has complete control of herself just long enough for the controls to be lifted, and then she accuses me of treating her like a child when she is a grown woman and can control herself. Then she goes back to her normal routine.

chayced, does your wife have any friends or family that she maintains relationships with in reality? If she doesn't then she needs some. Perhaps arranging some kind of regular social gathering would help her make friends outside the game and reduce her reliance upon it.

We have been living in our town for two years now and only know a small handful of people. As nice as it would be to make new friends, it is quite difficult to get out anywhere with three kids. Also it doesn't help that her game is the biggest thing she talks about.

The development of the children is probably the biggest concern here. Russ is right that they need more than just regular meals.

In my wife's defence she spends about 5 hours playing after the kids go to bed. From 8pm to 1am is her gaming time. She also spends around 4 hours playing during the rest of the day, so she does really spend time with the kids, it's just when she is online during the day she is not that attentive. It used to be worse, but we compromised and now she gets to have her designated play times during the day as long as she gets stuff done during the rest of the time. So I guess the real loser here is me since the only time I can possibly spend with her without the kids is eaten by the game.

Thanks for the input. Marriage counseling is sounding like the best option at this point.