I haven't seen a book as such, and if you were looking for details regarding the actual design of connectors, I'm sure that almos all of that will be proprietary. However, if you're looking for information regarding the application of connectors, some common sense can go a long way. For example, light duty applications with light cables generally don't need to be locked into place. Whereas applications involvolving mechanical shock, vibration and or heavy / longer cables generally need a positive locking mechanism.
The safe level loading on surface mount devices is strongly dependent on the surface area of the pads, the distance between bads (to handle torque) and the shear strength of the solder pad. On the other hand, through hole devices tend to be much more resiliant because for any stress, at least one side of the pad is assured to be in compression.
Other issues include agency approvals - UL will strongly complicate the usage of a none UL recognized connector. Likewise, other agencies have different concerns and there isn't a universal answer.
It's good to keep in mind whether the connector is to be used for assembly, or service. Some connectors are fragile, or have a limited life. You definitely don't want these being subjected to repeated assembly and disassembly.
Best luck with your search
Mike