Saying 'I Love You': What's the Best Way?

[Physics is Phun]

that was a good two pages about pickles
ANYWAYS
That was, quite possibly, the stupidest thing I've ever done.
I don't know what made me think it would be a good idea.
So i was dropping her off at her house. We kissed goodnight and then I told her...
now, about an hour earlier we were still at my house. we were making out in my basement and she stopped and told me she didn't want to take things fast, and she was scared that I was just going to hurt her like the last guy. I told her that's never going to happen, and that I'm not in any hurry to do anything anyways. I took her home.
So, for some reason I thought telling her would help in my showing that I cared about her and that I was serious and would never cheat on her.
BUT, I'm pretty sure she took that as a sign of me trying to speed things up, and right after we talked about taking things slowly.
I told her and she said "oh (insert name), you don't know that yet." and then kissed me again. I said I DID know that (which I do) and I've know her long enough to be sure. she said "thanks" and left.

you know what I hate? how for 7 months that we've been best friends together means apparently nothing because now we're in "a relationship". that really pisses me off. and how can she think I would ever cheat on her? I haven't even been with her for the last 7 months and I didn't want to be with anyone else!

Now I don't know what to do to make it better. we talked for a few minutes on msn this moring. I'm not bringing it up on msn, but i'll have to talk to her on the phone about it, cause I won't see her again for a couple weeks (i'm in school). She seemed fine this morning. there was an apparent lack of *hearts* being sent. (i would dare her to do that now!) I hope i haven't messed anything up. I just don't understand what she's afraid of though. I've never done anything to make her not trust me. and it hurts me that she would say that she's afraid I'm going to hurt her.

 

[Evo]

Sorry to hear about what happened, that's really weird because she seemed to be hinting at it pretty strongly. Sounds like she has some issues, just back off and wait things out.

 

[Physics is Phun]

yesterday on msn she actually said "I LOVE YOU" (capital letters) because i suggested we go to this restaurant that she really had a craving for at the time.
WTF! :!)

 

[Astronuc]

I told her and she said "oh (insert name), you don't know that yet." and then kissed me again. I said I DID know that (which I do) and I've know her long enough to be sure. she said "thanks" and left.

then

yesterday on msn she actually said "I LOVE YOU" (capital letters) because i suggested we go to this restaurant that she really had a craving for at the time.
WTF! :!)

She needed time to process what you were saying. You put yourself in an awkward position, but dropping her off and not giving yourself time to explain. On the other hand, once she heard "I LOVE YOU", then I don't think she would have been receptive to an explanation.

you know what I hate? how for 7 months that we've been best friends together means apparently nothing because now we're in "a relationship". that really pisses me off. and how can she think I would ever cheat on her?

History - hers - not yours.

I haven't even been with her for the last 7 months and I didn't want to be with anyone else!

Communication and Honesty the keys to meaningful, fulfilling and successful relationships. Of course, Communication and Honesty don't guarantee that a particular relationship will succeed, but without either, a relationship is guaranteed to fail.

 

[Physics is Phun]

then
She needed time to process what you were saying. You put yourself in an awkward position, but dropping her off and not giving yourself time to explain. On the other hand, once she heard "I LOVE YOU", then I don't think she would have been receptive to an explanation.
History - hers - not yours.
Communication and Honesty the keys to meaningful, fulfilling and successful relationships. Of course, Communication and Honesty don't guarantee that a particular relationship will succeed, but without either, a relationship is guaranteed to fail.

she said "I LOVE YOU" to me yesterday afternoon, before i told her last night...I'm not quite sure if you interpreted that right...i think so though. To be honest, I didn't think i'd need to have an explanation, i sure got that wrong.

how can she say it to me all the time, but be so unreceptive and surprised when I tell her? I'm just so confused.

 

[Astronuc]

how can she say it to me all the time, but be so unreceptive and surprised when I tell her?

She could have issues as Evo mentioned.

When she says it she knows what she means, even though you may not.

When you say, you know what you mean, but she doesn't - on the other hand, she may interpret the meaning differently.

I'm just so confused.

Yeah - most people seem to be about this subject.

Male-female relationships are not rocket science - rocket science is way more easy!

 

[Physics is Phun]

on the other hand, she may interpret the meaning differently.

apparently that's the case. either that or she can love me but I can't love her...or maybe it's the other way around. Either way that doesn't make much sense.

 

[MeJennifer]

for some reason I thought telling her would help in my showing that I cared about her and that I was serious and would never cheat on her.

Well perhaps that is the issue!

If you care for her and are serious, I assume that means that you intent to marry her sometime in the future, then just tell her that.

Caring for someone and loving someone are two entirely different things.
Loving someone has to do with your feelings not about your behavior towards her.

In my opinion love is not an argument for a relationship.

To me there is a difference between saying "I love you" (platonic) and I am in love with you" (romantic).

I second that.

In my opinion being "in love" is about the worst argument for a relationship.

Arguments for a relationship are trust, caring, compatibility, comittment, mutual interests etc.

Anyway that's just how I see it,

 

[Physics is Phun]

Arguments for a relationship are trust, caring, compatibility, comittment, mutual interests etc

Well we already have that from our friendship. And I wanted her to know that I also loved her.
Apparently that was a mistake.
I don't know what to do now. How do I fix it? can I take it back? I don't want to, but if that will make it better I will!

 

[rocketboy]

Male-female relationships are not rocket science - rocket science is way more easy!

THANK GOD!

 

[rocketboy]

Well we already have that from our friendship. And I wanted her to know that I also loved her.
Apparently that was a mistake.
I don't know what to do now. How do I fix it? can I take it back? I don't want to, but if that will make it better I will!

I don't think you want to take it back. That would basically say to her that you didn't mean it (I know you DID mean it, so you don't want to send her the message that you didn't).

I think communication is very important, and in hindsight I think it was what my last relationship lacked and why it didn't work out in the end. I think you need to make sure she knows how you feel and vice-versa. It sounds to me (correct me if I'm wrong) that you two feel comfortable talking to each other about mature topics, having done so in the past. Rather than trying to take back what you have said, try to explain to her what you meant, explain to her how you feel.

What do you think Astronuc?

(PS: in addition to "Engineering Guru" Astronuc should definitely have a "Relationship Guru" banner!)

 

[Physics is Phun]

PS: in addition to "Engineering Guru" Astronuc should definitely have a "Relationship Guru" banner

agreed
yeah, i guess the worst thing would be to ignore it and not say anything. i'll talk to her tonight.

 

[MeJennifer]

Well we already have that from our friendship. And I wanted her to know that I also loved her.
Apparently that was a mistake.
I don't know what to do now. How do I fix it? can I take it back? I don't want to, but if that will make it better I will!

Well what are you plans with this lady?
Do you think you could marry her in some future time or do want to have a temporary relationship with her?
And the same question ought to be asked to her!

What do both of you want from this relationship?

 

[Astronuc]

Caring for someone and loving someone are two entirely different things.

I would disagree with this statement. Of course, love can be used euphemistically to mean "being in love".

Loving someone has to do with your feelings . . .

Well relationships have a lot to do with feelings. Being human is all about FEELINGS!

(PS: in addition to "Engineering Guru" Astronuc should definitely have a "Relationship Guru" banner!)

Thank you the compliment, but let's not go overboard.

I know what works and has worked for me, and I have observed and studied many people, male and female, and their relationships.

See entry #14 in my journal.

 

[Astronuc]

I think communication is very important, and in hindsight I think it was what my last relationship lacked and why it didn't work out in the end. I think you need to make sure she knows how you feel and vice-versa. It sounds to me (correct me if I'm wrong) that you two feel comfortable talking to each other about mature topics, having done so in the past. Rather than trying to take back what you have said, try to explain to her what you meant, explain to her how you feel.

What do you think Astronuc?

I'd agree with rocketboy's assessment. We can make him a relationship-Guru in training.

Seriously - communication is important in a relationship. One should not try to 'guess' what is in the other's mind, and one should not leave the other to guess what is one's mind.

Each partner in a relationship needs to be sure how the other feels, and just as importantly one needs to be sure how oneself feels.

Everyone has needs and wants, and ideally in a relationship between two intimate partners, there is give and take. Each tries to reciprocally meet the other's wants and needs.

And as rocketboy mentioned, "rather than trying to take back what you have said, try to explain to her what you meant, explain to her how you feel."

 

[MeJennifer]

I would disagree with this statement. Of course, love can be used euphemistically to mean "being in love".

Then feel free to demonstrate what is similar between loving someone and caring for someone.
Love is a feeling not a behavior, caring is a behavior and not a feeling.

For instance one can make a promise to care for someone for the rest of his life, but to promise to love someone is simply impossible, one cannot control one's feelings. To say you love someone because that is what you promised is simply being disingenuous.

I fail to see the relevance with bringing up "being in love" here.

 

[Astronuc]

For instance one can make a promise to care for someone for the rest of his life, but to promise to love someone is simply impossible, one cannot control one's feelings.

To promise to love someone in not impossible in my case - that's just the way I am. I will always love my parents, my siblings, my wife, my kids, my grandparents (when they were alive - and now I have fond memories), many friends, the animals who live with me, . . . . I don't stop loving or caring about someone.

In my case, when I say "I love you", that is a declaration in which lies a commitment - and in my case a permanent commitment of care and concern, amongst other things.

BTW - I do have a fair amount of control over my feelings.

To say you love someone because that is what you promised is simply being disingenuous.

Yes, to make an empty promise is being disingenuous.

I fail to see the relevance with bringing up "being in love" here.

Because some folks use "loving someone" and "being in love with someone" interchangeably - hence the confusion for a lot of folks.

 

[MeJennifer]

To promise to love someone in not impossible in my case - that's just the way I am. I will always love my parents, my siblings, my wife, my kids, my grandparents (when they were alive - and now I have fond memories), many friends, the animals who live with me, . . . . I don't stop loving or caring about someone.

In my case, when I say "I love you", that is a declaration in which lies a commitment - and in my case a permanent commitment of care and concern, amongst other things.

BTW - I do have a fair amount of control over my feelings.

Well I think you live in a dreamworld.

Yes, to make an empty promise is being disingenuous.

Making a promise that you really have no control over is disingenuous.

One can at most suppress one's feelings but to create a feeling that is not there in the first place is simply tricking yourself.

Anyway we are digressing, feel free to open a new topic on this if you like.

 

[Astronuc]

Well I think you live in a dreamworld.

Nope. Same reality as you and everyone else.

I've just been around a long time.

 

[Physics is Phun]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!

 

[FrogPad]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!

You have no idea what they are going to say. If you are going to imagine things, why don't you imagine positive things like, she is going to tell all her friends how awesome you are.

Just back off a little bit on the I love you thing. Stop making such a big deal about it, and worrying so much. You told her. She knows. When she is ready to hear it, you will know. Right now she might have some connection with "I love you" and being hurt... but really it's just a guess. I don't know this girl.

Just show her that you love her through actions. Drop the words for a bit. If she asks, then tell her that, yeah you do... and there is nothing she can do about it, or something lame like that. For now just chill out on it, and be cool to her, but instead of worrying about stuff like this... why don't you worry about where the next coolest place is that you can make out with her. Or the next trendiest place you can take her to dinner. Or how you are going to surprise her next. I mean if you have to worry, worry about something productive.

Girls like confidence.

 

[Pengwuino]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!

What are you, on drugs? If you really think she's going to do that, why are you with her? Dump her if you actually think she's going to do that.

 

[Astronuc]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!

Taking a line from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "Don't Panic!"

As FrogPad mentioned you don't know what your gf will talk about - and No - you don't know it!

Relax!

You need to be comfortable with the fact the your gf can go out and have a good time with her girlfriends - just like you'd hang out with your friends.

When you see her again, ask how it went at the beach.

Pengwuino has a point - "If you really think she's going to do that, why are you with her?" On the other hand, I wouldn't go as far as dumping her, but Pengwuino's heart is in the right place.

In the initial stages of relationships, timing is fairly important. The problem is that one cannot know in advance as to the when.

 

[shmoe]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!

not only do you not what they're going to say, but there's nothing you can do about it, so why stress over things you can't control?

actually that's not true, you could cut school and show up at the beach dressed in a diaper, a curly blonde wig, wee-wings and a little cupid bow. They would be talking about something other than you saying "I love you".

 

[Astronuc]

actually that's not true, you could cut school and show up at the beach dressed in a diaper, a curly blonde wig, wee-wings and a little cupid bow. They would be talking about something other than you saying "I love you".

That's a beaut. That would certainly give the ladies something to talk about.

Good point - "there's nothing one can do about it" - so don't worry - be happy.

 

[Kurdt]

Also paranoia I would say is the greatest cause of relationship break down. You obviously like this girl but don't obsess about what she's doing all the time otherwise there maybe nothing to obsess over but memories.

 

[Physics is Phun]

her friends (my friends too) didn't think that it was a good idea for us to date in the first place. I hope they don't try and talk her into breaking up with me.
I just wish I could go see her, but I'm at school and have no car, and can't really spend much time on anything other than studying for the next 3 weeks!

maybe you're right though astro, it's probably not the end of the world. I just wish I could talk to her in person.

 

[Kurdt]

Yeah just enjoy it if you spend all the time worrying you'll miss all the good things. Take advice from those whove had to learn the hard way. I know its hard controlling your feelings especially when they're as strong as I imagine you're feeling now but it'll be worth it.

Good luck man anyway.

 

[Pengwuino]

Did you forget to punch her in the gut before saying it?

 

[Astronuc]

her friends (my friends too) didn't think that it was a good idea for us to date in the first place. I hope they don't try and talk her into breaking up with me.

That was a concern that some mutual friend had about my wife and me. We've been together for almost 26 years now this summer, and we've outlasted most of our friends relationships and marriages.

I just wish I could go see her, but I'm at school and have no car, and can't really spend much time on anything other than studying for the next 3 weeks!

maybe you're right though astro, it's probably not the end of the world. I just wish I could talk to her in person.

In the meantime, try writing down your feelings and what you would like to tell her. It would be a good way to sort out your thoughts. Or you could write a 'love letter', which is what I used to do.

Is there any chance she would call you? Since you're away at school, I would presume she knew you'd be away. I would presume you phone, IM, or email each other?

 

[Moonbear]

Oh dear, this is already on page 6, and I haven't read past the first page. So, at risk of being completely redundant, because I have no idea what everyone has already suggested, or if the discussion is even on the same topic: if you mean it, say it anytime, anywhere, anyway that you want. It will always be received well and appreciated. If you don't mean it, don't say it, no matter how much you're pushed to do so. It shouldn't be a difficult decision or require any thought at all. Besides, if you really mean it, everyone around you probably already knows just from your actions alone. If the thought crosses your mind, just say it. It's one of the few things you can just blurt out any time it crosses your mind and nobody will object to you saying it (well, unless you're saying it to some other guy's girlfriend ).

 

[Evo]

Oh dear, this is already on page 6, and I haven't read past the first page. So, at risk of being completely redundant, because I have no idea what everyone has already suggested, or if the discussion is even on the same topic: if you mean it, say it anytime, anywhere, anyway that you want. It will always be received well and appreciated. If you don't mean it, don't say it, no matter how much you're pushed to do so. It shouldn't be a difficult decision or require any thought at all. Besides, if you really mean it, everyone around you probably already knows just from your actions alone. If the thought crosses your mind, just say it. It's one of the few things you can just blurt out any time it crosses your mind and nobody will object to you saying it (well, unless you're saying it to some other guy's girlfriend ).

He said it to her and she freaked out. Beter go back a few posts.

 

[Physics is Phun]

thanks for the encouragement astronuc.
yes, we talk on the phone every night, we only didn't last night cause she had her girls over. I'm now waiting for her to get home from beach/wherever after the beach.
you're right, i should right things down, or I'm bound to forget.

 

[Moonbear]

He said it to her and she freaked out. Beter go back a few posts.

Uh oh! I'll have to go back and read. Sound pretty weird for someone to freak out over that.

 

[Pengwuino]

Uh oh! I'll have to go back and read. Sound pretty weird for someone to freak out over that.

Yah, I am not sure whos the biggest ewirdo in this relationship

 

[Moonbear]

Okay, I'm confused as heck. I read back to the post where he told her he loves her, and I don't see how that's freaking out. She just said, "You don't mean that." (Or something similar) Now, I don't know what tone she used, but she could have simply been concerned she had pushed him to say it. The response, "Yes, I do," seemed appropriate. And the timing sure sounded right to me...reassuring her that you're not pushing for sex and love her either way.

If she really did freak out about it, you two are too young for her to have "baggage", so if she already is dragging in old issues from past relationships, and she can't just accept that you love her, then blech, keep looking. You should be able to tell the person you love that you love them without them getting upset about it.

 

[Pengwuino]

Yah what a stupid relationship. You make out, she tells you she loves you, and freaks out when you say it in return? Psycho.

It's only going to get worse

See what you women do to guys?

If you end up breaking up with this weirdo, tell your friends this and they'll laugh at her. What kind of weirdo did you get caught up with. Just act like you're better then her and act like she's a freak. It's a rather unfriendly thing to do but since you're so insecure, it's best to try to come out with everyone else thinking she was the weirdo/idiot instead of you.

 

[rocketboy]

Yah what a stupid relationship. You make out, she tells you she loves you, and freaks out when you say it in return? Psycho.

It's only going to get worse

See what you women do to guys?

If you end up breaking up with this weirdo, tell your friends this and they'll laugh at her. What kind of weirdo did you get caught up with. Just act like you're better then her and act like she's a freak. It's a rather unfriendly thing to do but since you're so insecure, it's best to try to come out with everyone else thinking she was the weirdo/idiot instead of you.

wow that was unnecessarily harsh.

i agree with the "see what you women do to guys?" part though.

 

[Pengwuino]

Well what's this girls problem? Poor guy, he's stuck with a psycho.

 

[FrogPad]

Yah what a stupid relationship. You make out, she tells you she loves you, and freaks out when you say it in return? Psycho.

It's only going to get worse

See what you women do to guys?

If you end up breaking up with this weirdo, tell your friends this and they'll laugh at her. What kind of weirdo did you get caught up with. Just act like you're better then her and act like she's a freak. It's a rather unfriendly thing to do but since you're so insecure, it's best to try to come out with everyone else thinking she was the weirdo/idiot instead of you.

It was very necessary, and very funny

 

[rocketboy]

Alright Phun, here's my advice and I suggest you take it because I've been in similar situations, and I think I've learned from my mistakes.

I always overreacted and over-thought things when really they weren't negative, and then they turned out that way because of it. Wait, that doesn't make much sense now that I re-read it.

What I'm trying to say is think positive. Be confident. Don't stress yourself out by thinking "what if..." and "she's probably doing this...". It will only put you down and make you even more worried/depressed. It will just keep building up, and you will get yourself deeper and deeper into your own assumptions until you begin to believe them to be true. I know this because that is what I did, and it ended badly because of it.

Give her space, don't worry about it, don't dwell on it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY DO NOT CREATE THE STORY BEFORE YOU KNOW IT FOR YOURSELF! In other words, don't convince yourself anything that you are assuming, because this is what I did, I convinced myself negative things (I won't get into it) and because of it the outcome was negative.

Sorry for my horrible explanation I'm extremely tired right now (long day) and aren't really able to put clear sentences together.

Remember: THINK POSITIVE!

 

[Pengwuino]

That's a load, don't think positive, think clearly. It's better to walk away from a shaky relationship then fully convince yourself that it's all in your head. This happens with girls more often but it happens to guys as well: you'll be dealing with a screwball (or someone whos cheating on you, lying, etc etc) but you'll focus solely on a couple of positive things, put her on a pedastel, and ignore every wrong thing she does. You'll excuse yourself by saying things like "well... maybe I am over-reacting" or "well... maybe she's having a bad day" or "well... its ok because she's still *insert one of the few good features*". Unfortunately, as these excuses pile up, instead of realizing "whoa, there have been a looooooot of bad days...", you'll most likely make it a permanent thought process and continually excuse it.

Just confront her about it. Hell if this is a relationship, you're suppose to be able to talk to each other and she's suppose to care about how you feel. If she doesn't, give it up, run. She's either psychotic or you both are too young to be dating.

 

[Moonbear]

In other words, don't convince yourself anything that you are assuming, because this is what I did, I convinced myself negative things (I won't get into it) and because of it the outcome was negative.

Or maybe you thought those negative things because your gut knew what your heart didn't want to believe, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent a bad ending. It's not worth beating yourself up about it after-the-fact either.

But, either way, yeah, it's really not worth stressing out over these things. Either she really is a wacko, and he's best off just forgetting about her, or he's completely misinterpreting things. Either way, not obsessing about her reaction to his words is the only sane tactic.

I'm still trying to figure out who sold everyone on the myth that good relationships need a lot of work. You can't neglect them, that's for sure, but they shouldn't feel like a chore. If it seems like it's just too much effort to please your partner, then it's time to find a new partner.

 

[Pengwuino]

No I am sorry, if a girl tells you she loves you and then freaks out when you say it in return... you have a problem on your hands. If she was really concerned and had 'baggage', she wouldn't say it first. For one, you have problems if you think the "right response" to you saying "i love you to someone" is anything else then "i love you too".

And yes, he is insecure if he's scared his "girlfriend" is going to run to her friends and laugh at him about how much of an "idiot" he is.

 

[Moonbear]

How much past should someone their age have? He's not 35 or 45 and dating divorced women who have been in abusive relationships. If she's already hanging onto past issues from ex-boyfriends at their age, she needs to not be in any relationship at all until she gets her head screwed on straight.

 

[Cyrus]

I love you.

 

[Moonbear]

I love you.

Aww...I love you too.

 

[Pengwuino]

I'm still trying to figure out who sold everyone on the myth that good relationships need a lot of work. You can't neglect them, that's for sure, but they shouldn't feel like a chore. If it seems like it's just too much effort to please your partner, then it's time to find a new partner.

Yah I am sorry, the only reason people make it hard is because they think its some sort of game. Someone has to win, it's a competition, there are set rules on how things are done. Then it self-perpetuates. You make it a competition with your girlfriend, you have a friend who has his first girl and you go tell him "ok you got to win by making her feel bad" (although its not normally said in those exact words, more along the lines of 'don't call her yet, let her call you if she wants to talk').

If you love someone, you don't ask other people for help on how to fix your relationship with your girl. You ask her. Big secret, don't tell anyone.

 

[Pengwuino]

Aww...I love you too.

He was obviously talking to me

Im not gay cyrus, go away.

 

[Physics is Phun]

wow, so much advice.
I don't think I'm going to dump her because she didn't say it back, that seems a bit extreme.
I'm planning on telling her that, I'm sorry if I upset you by telling you, it wasn't the right time, I just don't want you to feel that you have to be afraid of me or worry about me ever hurting you. we've been good friends for a long time now, and being in a relationship isn't going to change that.

I should probably say something about taking thing at her pace too, i reckon.