Saying 'I Love You': What's the Best Way?

[FrogPad]

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

oh snap.

an elegant proof.

 

[Cyrus]

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

Yeah, I am perfect, arent I? :!) :!)

 

[Moonbear]

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

Beautiful!

Careful, Cyrus, when one's ego becomes over-inflated around here, the PF Sisterhood has a lovely assortment of giant pins to help pop it.

 

[Cyrus]

Beautiful!

Careful, Cyrus, when one's ego becomes over-inflated around here, the PF Sisterhood has a lovely assortment of giant pins to help pop it.

Ah, you like it kinky, I see Pins and whips and torture devices .

 

[Moonbear]

Ah, you like it kinky, I see Pins and whips and torture devices .

Oh, so you've already been inside the supersonic RV, huh?

 

[Cyrus]

<Gulp, I will boldly go where no man has gone before...>

 

[Moonbear]

<Gulp, I will boldly go where no man has gone before...>

Oh, we've had men in there before. Tom and Humanino and tribdog have each had their turn being handcuffed to...:shy: Nevermind.

 

[Cyrus]

May god have mercy on their souls.

 

[Physics is Phun]

well, apparently we're back to just being friends again...she called me just now cause she watched the rest of starwars (which we were watching together )to ask me "what's with the red guy"
so we were on the phone just now for over an hour talking about random things. and she brought up that she was hanging out with this old boyfriend of hers. they're really good friends right now. and nothing would happen between them. but I still got the sense that she was trying to get me jealous. (of course maybe that's because she DID ) but other than that we had a good conversation.
I just don't know if I can be with her in person yet, especially alone. i don't see how she can be so fine about this either. she must know that I'm hurt.
Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

 

[nazzard]

[...] she watched the rest of starwars (which we were watching together )to ask me "what's with the red guy" [...]
Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

Stop playing and tell her what's up with the red guy. I'm curious to know as well!

 

[Pengwuino]

well, apparently we're back to just being friends again...she called me just now cause she watched the rest of starwars (which we were watching together )to ask me "what's with the red guy"
so we were on the phone just now for over an hour talking about random things. and she brought up that she was hanging out with this old boyfriend of hers. they're really good friends right now. and nothing would happen between them. but I still got the sense that she was trying to get me jealous. (of course maybe that's because she DID ) but other than that we had a good conversation.
I just don't know if I can be with her in person yet, especially alone. i don't see how she can be so fine about this either. she must know that I'm hurt.
Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

haha hanging out with her old boyfriend. What bull. She's trying to make you jeolous. Yah what a catch

 

[Astronuc]

Given the recent developments, I would imagine the young lady is perhaps trying to make you jealous (we really don't know because none of us know her, and even if we did, we can't read her mind). Telling you that she is hanging out with an old boyfriend is really unnecessary - except to possibly make one jealous.

I just don't know if I can be with her in person yet, especially alone. i don't see how she can be so fine about this either. she must know that I'm hurt.

Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

Or do both. Tell her you were hurt and disappointed, and play it cool.

As for oneself - it's going to hurt as long as one allows it to hurt.

 

[Pengwuino]

How can you say to someone "i was hurt and disappointed" and think that's acting cool?

 

[Physics is Phun]

Given the recent developments, I would imagine the young lady is perhaps trying to make you jealous (we really don't know because none of us know her, and even if we did, we can't read her mind). Telling you that she is hanging out with an old boyfriend is really unnecessary - except to possibly make one jealous.

well the thing is, she didn't just start hanging out with him. she always has been. i know him fairly well too. And it wasn't made clear, but she either watched the starwars movie with him or just borrowed the movies from him. Either way it seems like unecessary information. I'm having a hard time believing she's doing it on purpose though. I'm probably just getting jealous over nothing.

 

[nazzard]

[...] I'm probably just getting jealous over nothing.

Most likely. And:

"The worst kind, Of diseased mind, Is one filled with jealousy"

As a general note: don't try to analyse everything. Take it as a given fact. I'm sure you will learn to respect her decision, no matter if you think it was fair or not.

 

[Pengwuino]

She was trying to make you jeolous. You don't have to be a genius see that one.

 

[Moonbear]

well the thing is, she didn't just start hanging out with him. she always has been. i know him fairly well too. And it wasn't made clear, but she either watched the starwars movie with him or just borrowed the movies from him. Either way it seems like unecessary information. I'm having a hard time believing she's doing it on purpose though. I'm probably just getting jealous over nothing.

Regardless of whether she's doing it on purpose to make you jealous (which is pretty mean and hurtful), or if there's nothing to it and your jealousy is completely unfounded, one thing is very clear. You are not going to be able to stay friends with her without torturing yourself.

If she calls you again like that, just tell her that while you wish things had worked out differently, if she's serious about still being friends, the best thing she can do for you, as a friend, is to not talk to you, because you need time apart to work things out for yourself before you can be just friends again.

You really fell hard this time, because you were just starting to realize you love her just as she was about to dump you. Break-ups don't get much harder than that, so you're going to need time to get your own act back together. If you try to be friends now without any time apart, it's not going to work. You'll just end up hurt worse or dragging it out forever. And, in your mind, you'll never really be friends this way, you'll be ex-boyfriend and girlfriend, or maybe always hoping to be current boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn't work out for being friends. I've been there, and all it did was prolong the breaking up process and the hurt feelings. Two of my ex-boyfriends are very good friends of mine now, but it took a long time of not talking to them before we were able to be "just" friends. My advice, based on that, is don't attempt to rekindle your friendship with her until after you've managed to move on and start dating again (and not too soon after...no quicker way to sabotage a new relationship than to suddenly start hanging around with an ex-girlfriend...you see how it hurts you to know she's hanging around with an ex-boyfriend, and it's very possible the problems she had with your relationship is that she's not over the last guy herself).

 

[FrogPad]

Regardless of whether she's doing it on purpose to make you jealous (which is pretty mean and hurtful), or if there's nothing to it and your jealousy is completely unfounded, one thing is very clear. You are not going to be able to stay friends with her without torturing yourself.

If she calls you again like that, just tell her that while you wish things had worked out differently, if she's serious about still being friends, the best thing she can do for you, as a friend, is to not talk to you, because you need time apart to work things out for yourself before you can be just friends

Beautiful advice. You would be wise to take it.



...and dude, stop talking to her for hours

You guys aren't dating.

 

[Astronuc]

How can you say to someone "i was hurt and disappointed" and think that's acting cool?

That's not what I said. PiP can tell her that he is disappointed about the way things worked out, and the he needs some distance along the lines of what Moonbear mentioned.

she didn't just start hanging out with him. she always has been.

Well, hanging out with him again? She was hanging with the other guy, while you were dating?

I was looking back at the OP and the night of when it all blew up.

PiP and this young lady were only dating 2 weeks after being friens for 6-7 months. In the OP, the reference is to 'girlfriend', which usually infers some exclusive relationship. I am sure we are missing a lot of details (which are not really for public disclosure), but it maybe that the young lady is not ready for an exclusive relationship. She sounds like she enjoyed the companionship, but beyond that, she may not be ready for a serious relationship.

Beautiful advice. You would be wise to take it.

I second Moonbear's advice - she gets a Nobel Prize here.

 

[Physics is Phun]

PiP and this young lady were only dating 2 weeks after being friens for 6-7 months. In the OP, the reference is to 'girlfriend', which usually infers some exclusive relationship. I am sure we are missing a lot of details (which are not really for public disclosure), but it maybe that the young lady is not ready for an exclusive relationship. She sounds like she enjoyed the companionship, but beyond that, she may not be ready for a serious relationship.

that's exactly right. except to point out that she does want to be in a relationship. but just isn't ready for it yet. it was my fault for not being able to see it. i mean. her friend just died. i should've know anything she said wasn't going to last.
and she did hang out with her ex while she was dating me. it's not like she still likes him. he's my friend now too. we all go swimming at his place sometimes. But it seemed a bit unecessary to bring up that she was in his room. she was talking about the starwars movies and she says 'i haven't been in his room for a while, i forgot how much starwars stuff he had'
like wtf, i don't need to know that

 

[Pengwuino]

Why aren't my gut-punching tactics getting through to you Physics is phun.

 

[Pyrrhus]

You know what, Relationships should be enjoyed as when you go on vacations. It's a pleasant surprise at the beginning and when it ends, you don't want to leave, but you understand that it's over. Luckily, you have enough pleasant memories .

 

[Pengwuino]

You know what, Relationships should be enjoyed as when you go on vacations. It's a pleasant surprise at the beginning and when it ends, you don't want to leave, but you understand that it's over. Luckily, you have enough pleasant memories .

Unless you get stuck in a traffic jam on I5 going to someplace more hospitible to humans, end up paying tourist rates for a soda, and die.

 

[Lisa!]

I love you, people!
Now could you please tell me what you say to someone when you are very angry at him/her and you are not willing to see him again?(other than that f word and get the hell out of here.

 

[Astronuc]

that's exactly right. except to point out that she does want to be in a relationship. but just isn't ready for it yet.

"she does want to be in a relationship" - with whom? That seems to be a key point here.

It sounds like she was dating you because she enjoyed the companionship, but it was not an exclusive relationship, because she is still spending time with the other young man.

The conflict here is that you would be quite happy to have an exclusive relationship, but she is not ready for that, and when she is ready, will you be the one? There is no guarantee here.

How much uncertainty can you tolerate?

it was my fault for not being able to see it. i mean. her friend just died. i should've know anything she said wasn't going to last.

You didn't see it because you lack experience - that happens to everyone at different times in life. It sounds like she needs time to figure out where she is. Both of you are young. You've got 3-4 years of university ahead, then perhaps grad school, then a professional career, which could take either of you who knows where.

and she did hang out with her ex while she was dating me. it's not like she still likes him. he's my friend now too. we all go swimming at his place sometimes. But it seemed a bit unecessary to bring up that she was in his room. she was talking about the starwars movies and she says 'i haven't been in his room for a while, i forgot how much starwars stuff he had

Seriously consider Moonbear's advice.

But you could ask the young lady - why she is telling you all the details. Is this her way of being open and honest? What is the purpose of telling you that she is spending time with another guy?

Is this young lady sensitive to your feelings?

Are you sure you are both compatible?

I know these are hard questions - I've had to ask them myself a long time ago.


I told you rocket science is easier.

 

[Astronuc]

I love you, people!
Now could you please tell me what you say to someone when you are very angry at him/her and you are not willing to see him again?(other than that f word and get the hell out of here.

Well, it should be sufficient to say "I do not wish to see you anymore." Whether or not, or how much to elaborate or explain is up to you. On the other hand, the statement is straightforward, and an explanation unnecessary.

Lisa! - Why did you see him in the first place? I presume he approached you. Did you encourage him?

 

[Physics is Phun]

arggg. She called me again last night, with another star wars question I don't know what to think anymore. she told me that she really really liked me and didn't want it to happen this way at all, but she just couldn't do it at the time. and she said she doesn't expect me to wait for her which is kinda implying that she would like it if I waited for her.
but now she's calling me like she just wants to be my friend again and she's not hurt or upset or conflicted by this at all I just don't know what to think.
perhaps though, I mean I act perfectly fine when I'm talking to her. so maybe she's just doing the same thing. but then why is she calling me just to talk like we're dating or something?
Either way. If she's hurt then why is she calling me? and if she's perfectly fine with it then why does she call? she KNOWS I'm upset cause part of why she broke up with me is because she wasn't ready for a relationship and she knew I was.

 

[Astronuc]

arggg. She called me again last night, . . .

Well, you could tell her to stop calling for awhile, but that seems drastic.

she told me that she really really liked me and didn't want it to happen this way at all, but she just couldn't do it at the time.

What did she not what to happen? Better yet - what does she want in terms of a relationship? Really you should ask her face to face - not over the phone.

and she said she doesn't expect me to wait for her which is kinda implying that she would like it if I waited for her.

Wait for what? What does she expect?

but now she's calling me like she just wants to be my friend again and she's not hurt or upset or conflicted by this at all.

Can you comfortable with being 'just friends' with this young lady?

I just don't know what to think.

You need to stop 'guessing' about what she wants - and ask her directly? If she can't give you a straight answer, then that is a big problem.

You also need to decide what it is you want. If your wants and needs are not compatible with hers, then there is no basis for an exclusive relationship, but you could still be friends - IF you can be comfortable with that. (Being redundant - see Moonbear's advice!)

perhaps though, I mean I act perfectly fine when I'm talking to her. so maybe she's just doing the same thing. but then why is she calling me just to talk like we're dating or something?

Only she can answer that question! Ask her! If she can't give a straight answer, then there is a problem.

If she's hurt then why is she calling me? and if she's perfectly fine with it then why does she call? she KNOWS I'm upset cause part of why she broke up with me is because she wasn't ready for a relationship and she knew I was.

Well, these are all fine questions - that you should ask her. Only the two of you can work it out - that's part of the dynamic between male-female relationships.

But - you need to decide what you want. And you need to clarify what she wants - stop guessing.

Make some firm decisions - and move on.

 

[shmoe]

Regardless of whether she's doing it on purpose to make you jealous (which is pretty mean and hurtful), or if there's nothing to it and your jealousy is completely unfounded, one thing is very clear. You are not going to be able to stay friends with her without torturing yourself.

If she calls you again like that, just tell her that while you wish things had worked out differently, if she's serious about still being friends, the best thing she can do for you, as a friend, is to not talk to you, because you need time apart to work things out for yourself before you can be just friends again.

Physics is Phun, read the above again. and again. and again.

Didn't we have this discussion about being "boyfriend in waiting"? You do not seem capable of just being friends with her without spending most of your time agonizing about the situation. How horrible did you feel when she mentioned being in the same room as her ex, without them even gettin' it on. It will only get worse. It's not at all bad for her though, she knows she could have you in an instant if she wants. Even if she's legitimately 'confused' and not playing you, she'll take comfort in having a fall back plan. It feels good to be wanted, I'm sure she's enjoying that and even if she knows it's not good for you, it's hard to discourage it.

You really fell hard this time, because you were just starting to realize you love her just as she was about to dump you. Break-ups don't get much harder than that,...

If the worst break up you have is of this kind, count yourself lucky.

 

[Astronuc]

Didn't we have this discussion about being "boyfriend in waiting"? You do not seem capable of just being friends with her without spending most of your time agonizing about the situation. How horrible did you feel when she mentioned being in the same room as her ex, without them even gettin' it on. It will only get worse. It's not at all bad for her though, she knows she could have you in an instant if she wants. Even if she's legitimately 'confused' and not playing you, she'll take comfort in having a fall back plan. It feels good to be wanted, I'm sure she's enjoying that and even if she knows it's not good for you, it's hard to discourage it.

Also good advice.

 

[Lisa!]

Well, it should be sufficient to say "I do not wish to see you anymore." Whether or not, or how much to elaborate or explain is up to you. On the other hand, the statement is straightforward, and an explanation unnecessary.

Lisa! - Why did you see him in the first place? I presume he approached you. Did you encourage him?

OMG! Sorry for the confusion. I just wanted to know the phrase(?) in English. I mean that was only a question regarded to language, and you know I said I love you people since sometimes people tend to act as if they like you a lot when they want you to do something for them.

 

[Astronuc]

OMG! Sorry for the confusion. I just wanted to know the phrase(?) in English. I mean that was only a question regarded to language, and you know I said I love you people since sometimes people tend to act as if they like you a lot when they want you to do something for them.

So you are looking for the polite way to say "Please, leave me alone. I do not wish to see you any more!"? Well, that's the way to say it.

Of course, when one is flustered or angry, one is likely to use harsh language as you indicated.

Human interaction can be quite dynamic, particularly when strong emotions are involved.

It would be nice if everyone would try to remain thoughtful and considerate all the time.


Hey, I just have these strange notions about humanity sometimes. Most or all of my friends think I am totally nuts. Well - not totally.

 

[Cyrus]

OMG! Sorry for the confusion. I just wanted to know the phrase(?) in English. I mean that was only a question regarded to language, and you know I said I love you people since sometimes people tend to act as if they like you a lot when they want you to do something for them.

You're never nice to me. I take that to mean you don't want something from me and love me for who I am

 

[Physics is Phun]

I HAVE TO HELL HER! AHHH
SOMEONE HIT ME IN THE FACE!
I don't have time for this right now! i have exams in 9 days. and I will fail ALL of them if I don't study my ass off! I just need to push her out of my head for 3 weeks. then I can breakdown or do whatever, but she has to wait! school is more important! i can't lose a whole year over her! I can't I can't I can't
sorry for this raving! but this most accurately describes what I'm feeling right now! i just talked to her on msn and I chickened out again! I HAVE to do it, i have no choice. this is for my career now. this will have cost me one year of my life and roughly $6000 if I don't!

 

[Gaby]

Lol.. this is so funny..
O0k so, I’m a girl I can honestly tell you the best time that you can give a girl a complement or say I love you to her is when she least expects it. An example of this : I remember one day I was watching a movie with my ex when I had to get a water from his room on my way back from his room he just kinda looked at me and said “ god do you have any idea how beautiful you are” . Till this day I swear that had to be one of the sweatiest complements that I have ever had. also I really new he meant it just because it was so random and totally unexpected. So, all and all if you really love her then it doesn’t truly matter were or how to tell her just tell her she’s girl she will eat it up.

 

[Astronuc]

I HAVE TO TELL HER!

Just tell her you'll be offline for the week or so, go study and pass the tests. She'll just have to wait.

 

[Physics is Phun]

Thanks gaby...bit behind the times though.

well should I tell her I'm just too busy to talk? or the truth, I'm too busy to talk to her.
i can't just stop talking to everyone. I'm not that kinda person, i need breaks when I study. i need some social interaction, just not her at the moment.
Putting school aside. maybe i shouldn't talk to her anyways. if she's ok with going back to being friends just like that then i don't know what to think. but maybe she needs me there as a friend right now. to get over her break-up and our friend dying, and she has a newly developed medical problem (which I won't delve into) she just needs friends to help her out at the moment.

arg. I'm not stupid though. I can see myself getting back into the same pattern as I was the last 6 months. she wasn't available cause she was with someone, and I was just biding my time, and it worked! now she's unavailable emotionally, and I'm doing it all over again!
maybe it'll be easier though. when she leaves. and I'll be around the university and able to meet other people and forget about her.

OK. right now I don't have time for her, or this thread. I'm just going to tell her that I can't talk to anyone until my exams are over, and that it's not her.
then i'll figure it out when I get home. and I'll no doubt be back here to let you all in on the stupid problems of my life
i'll probably get weak and come read your comments here but I can't deal anymore with this until after exams.

thanks all

 

[Moonbear]

OK. right now I don't have time for her, or this thread. I'm just going to tell her that I can't talk to anyone until my exams are over, and that it's not her.
then i'll figure it out when I get home. and I'll no doubt be back here to let you all in on the stupid problems of my life
i'll probably get weak and come read your comments here but I can't deal anymore with this until after exams.

thanks all

Sounds like a good plan. Just focus on your exams for now. Now, get thee out of GD and into the Education Zone to ask your questions while studying!

 

[Lisa!]

"Boys frustrate me. I hate all their indirect messages, I hate game playing. Do you like me or don't you? Just tell me so I can get over you."__Kirsten Dunst

hmmm...I feel the same way!

So you are looking for the polite way to say "Please, leave me alone. I do not wish to see you any more!"? Well, that's the way to say it.

Not exactly! I look for some phrase that is short like "get the hell" that I don't know. And yeah of course I don't use that f word since that's very impolite. In fact I just feel bad about people who use that.

You're never nice to me. I take that to mean you don't want something from me and love me for who I am

But for me who you are depends on what I can get from you!

 

[Moonbear]

I love you, people!
Now could you please tell me what you say to someone when you are very angry at him/her and you are not willing to see him again?(other than that f word and get the hell out of here.

If you're angry and not interested in being polite anymore, you can simply scream at him:
"Go away!"
and/or
"Leave me alone!"

Of course, if neither of those work, you can tell him, "I'm training my new attack dog using one of your dirty old t-shirts."

 

[Moonbear]

If the worst break up you have is of this kind, count yourself lucky.

Not necessarily the worst, but a hard one to get over, especially if it's your first break-up.

 

[Mickey]

Just don't lie when you say it.

Not necessarily the worst, but a hard one to get over, especially if it's your first break-up.

Yes. Even harder if you decided you loved the person after the breakup.

I read Barbara de Angelis' "What Women Want Men to Know" weeks after my first big breakup and it helped explain so many of our problems with these unbelievably simple premises, I was like... "Oh, god! That's what was happening all those times!" And I went to get her back, totally committed, but it was too late. She's not the type to last very long on the open market. Three years on they are still together. It's still pretty wrenching just to think about it. :(Oh, one more thing. Guys? When you and a girl have separated, it doesn't matter how long you've been with her and it certainly doesn't matter how much you love her. Life is not like John Cusack movies or "Friends." If she says she's interested in another guy, that's it. You're not the hero. End of story. If you try to buy her gifts and do the hero thing in real life, she might say thank you, but you're just another creepy piece of stalker trash. :/

If it's that important, it should be worth waiting at least a few decades or two until they're divorced. Go into radical life extension science in the mean time (although, you risk lengthening the span of their marriage by many orders of magnitude, so consider becoming a divorce court lawyer instead).