Saying 'I Love You': What's the Best Way?

[rocketboy]

Alright Phun, here's my advice and I suggest you take it because I've been in similar situations, and I think I've learned from my mistakes.

I always overreacted and over-thought things when really they weren't negative, and then they turned out that way because of it. Wait, that doesn't make much sense now that I re-read it.

What I'm trying to say is think positive. Be confident. Don't stress yourself out by thinking "what if..." and "she's probably doing this...". It will only put you down and make you even more worried/depressed. It will just keep building up, and you will get yourself deeper and deeper into your own assumptions until you begin to believe them to be true. I know this because that is what I did, and it ended badly because of it.

Give her space, don't worry about it, don't dwell on it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY DO NOT CREATE THE STORY BEFORE YOU KNOW IT FOR YOURSELF! In other words, don't convince yourself anything that you are assuming, because this is what I did, I convinced myself negative things (I won't get into it) and because of it the outcome was negative.

Sorry for my horrible explanation I'm extremely tired right now (long day) and aren't really able to put clear sentences together.

Remember: THINK POSITIVE!

 

[Pengwuino]

That's a load, don't think positive, think clearly. It's better to walk away from a shaky relationship then fully convince yourself that it's all in your head. This happens with girls more often but it happens to guys as well: you'll be dealing with a screwball (or someone whos cheating on you, lying, etc etc) but you'll focus solely on a couple of positive things, put her on a pedastel, and ignore every wrong thing she does. You'll excuse yourself by saying things like "well... maybe I am over-reacting" or "well... maybe she's having a bad day" or "well... its ok because she's still *insert one of the few good features*". Unfortunately, as these excuses pile up, instead of realizing "whoa, there have been a looooooot of bad days...", you'll most likely make it a permanent thought process and continually excuse it.

Just confront her about it. Hell if this is a relationship, you're suppose to be able to talk to each other and she's suppose to care about how you feel. If she doesn't, give it up, run. She's either psychotic or you both are too young to be dating.

 

[Moonbear]

In other words, don't convince yourself anything that you are assuming, because this is what I did, I convinced myself negative things (I won't get into it) and because of it the outcome was negative.

Or maybe you thought those negative things because your gut knew what your heart didn't want to believe, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent a bad ending. It's not worth beating yourself up about it after-the-fact either.

But, either way, yeah, it's really not worth stressing out over these things. Either she really is a wacko, and he's best off just forgetting about her, or he's completely misinterpreting things. Either way, not obsessing about her reaction to his words is the only sane tactic.

I'm still trying to figure out who sold everyone on the myth that good relationships need a lot of work. You can't neglect them, that's for sure, but they shouldn't feel like a chore. If it seems like it's just too much effort to please your partner, then it's time to find a new partner.

 

[Pengwuino]

No I am sorry, if a girl tells you she loves you and then freaks out when you say it in return... you have a problem on your hands. If she was really concerned and had 'baggage', she wouldn't say it first. For one, you have problems if you think the "right response" to you saying "i love you to someone" is anything else then "i love you too".

And yes, he is insecure if he's scared his "girlfriend" is going to run to her friends and laugh at him about how much of an "idiot" he is.

 

[Moonbear]

How much past should someone their age have? He's not 35 or 45 and dating divorced women who have been in abusive relationships. If she's already hanging onto past issues from ex-boyfriends at their age, she needs to not be in any relationship at all until she gets her head screwed on straight.

 

[Cyrus]

I love you.

 

[Moonbear]

I love you.

Aww...I love you too.

 

[Pengwuino]

I'm still trying to figure out who sold everyone on the myth that good relationships need a lot of work. You can't neglect them, that's for sure, but they shouldn't feel like a chore. If it seems like it's just too much effort to please your partner, then it's time to find a new partner.

Yah I am sorry, the only reason people make it hard is because they think its some sort of game. Someone has to win, it's a competition, there are set rules on how things are done. Then it self-perpetuates. You make it a competition with your girlfriend, you have a friend who has his first girl and you go tell him "ok you got to win by making her feel bad" (although its not normally said in those exact words, more along the lines of 'don't call her yet, let her call you if she wants to talk').

If you love someone, you don't ask other people for help on how to fix your relationship with your girl. You ask her. Big secret, don't tell anyone.

 

[Pengwuino]

Aww...I love you too.

He was obviously talking to me

Im not gay cyrus, go away.

 

[Physics is Phun]

wow, so much advice.
I don't think I'm going to dump her because she didn't say it back, that seems a bit extreme.
I'm planning on telling her that, I'm sorry if I upset you by telling you, it wasn't the right time, I just don't want you to feel that you have to be afraid of me or worry about me ever hurting you. we've been good friends for a long time now, and being in a relationship isn't going to change that.

I should probably say something about taking thing at her pace too, i reckon.

 

[Pengwuino]

I'd also like to add that my whole philosophy works when you've known the girl more then 6 months and instead of jumping into the relationship, it comes naturally. Just had to add that incase this wasn't the case here.

 

[Cyrus]

Aww...I love you too.

I know, I love me too!

 

[Cyrus]

He was obviously talking to me

Im not gay cyrus, go away.

Did somebody hear a noise? Shrug, I guess it was just the wind...

 

[Pengwuino]

wow, so much advice.
I don't think I'm going to dump her because she didn't say it back, that seems a bit extreme.
I'm planning on telling her that, I'm sorry if I upset you by telling you, it wasn't the right time, I just don't want you to feel that you have to be afraid of me or worry about me ever hurting you. we've been good friends for a long time now, and being in a relationship isn't going to change that.

Don't do that. That's insane. Ask her why she freaked out first and foremost. Remember, SHE did the unconventional thing, not you. She should have FULLY expected you to say that in return. Don't come off like a jerk though, just politely ask. You CARE about her, so ask her why because you want to know, not because you demand to know.

 

[Pengwuino]

Did somebody hear a noise? Shrug, I guess it was just the wind...

Coca cola...

 

[Physics is Phun]

i don't want to start blaming her! what am I going to do? ask her why she didn't say it back?...I think I know the obvious answer...

 

[Moonbear]

If you love someone, you don't ask other people for help on how to fix your relationship with your girl. You ask her. Big secret, don't tell anyone.

That's how I can always tell when my friends have met "the one." You no longer hear every sordid detail of their relationship...it's not about bragging to friends, but about carign about each other. When they really love each other and have a good relationship, they settle things on their own because they can talk to each other about anything. It's one thing to need advice on how to meet someone, or how to ask someone out, because you don't know them yet and want suggestions of how to make a good first impression. But, once you're in a relationship, if you start needing to seek outside advice, there's something wrong with the relationship. Now, sometimes people realize something is wrong, and that's why they are asking for advice, trying to find out if others had similar experiences and were able to salvage things. But, if they react badly to you telling them "I love you" and then you're worrying about what they'll be saying to their friends in your absence, that's a pretty serious problem. It doesn't necessarily mean either is psycho or weird, just that they don't have a relationship. She could be one of those people who says they love you without meaning it, and freaked out when Phun said it because he actually means it, and that's not what she wants.

And, yeah, a woman saying, "I think we're going to fast, I want to slow down," quite often means, "I don't think I want to be with you as anything more than just friends, and I want to stop."

I only told one guy that I thought we were going too fast, and then came to the realization a few weeks later that it was because I wasn't physically attracted to him. Nice guy, I enjoyed being friends, and we had a lot of fun together, hence my agreement to date him, but in terms of a relationship, nothing was there. I now know, if it feels like it's going too fast, it's just wrong. When you really are strongly attracted to the other person, it doesn't feel too fast at all.

 

[Pengwuino]

i don't want to start blaming her! what am I going to do? ask her why she didn't say it back?...I think I know the obvious answer...

Let me get this straight... she has said she loved you before right?

And not in a "haha your so funny, i love you" and then ran through a field of daisies sense right?

If she did already tell you, yes you should ask why she didn't say it back. If she takes it as you blaming her for doing something, that's her problem. Theres a serious hole in the foundation of your little relationship there that you both should have an interest in fixing. And if she freaks out or gets mad that you care, she doesn't love you. Don't be the only one working to develop your relationship.

 

[Physics is Phun]

no, she didn't. not in an absolutely serious sense. not like I did.

 

[Moonbear]

I know, I love me too!

We can tell.

Okay, Phun, your story seems to be changing a bit. Think carefully about how she actually reacted. Did she just not return the words (no, "I love you too" back at you), or did she actually get upset or seem disturbed that you said it? Flustered is okay...if it came out of the blue and she was happy to hear it, she may have said something silly that came out sounding wrong. But, getting upset over it is not good. If she got upset over it, don't say anything. If anyone has to say something about it, it's her. If she didn't say anything in return, don't say anything. That just comes across obsessive or pushy. She doesn't HAVE to say "I love you too" every time you say "I love you," just like you don't have to say "I love you too" every time she says it. If she just got flustered and said something stupid that came out all wrong, don't say anything. She'll just be embarrassed if you remind her of her moment of foolishness.

If you're not completely sure how she reacted...maybe you were too nervous to read her reaction right...then just try saying it again. If she reacts better, then it could have just been bad timing. If she still flips out over it, then brace yourself for the break-up.

 

[Pengwuino]

no, she didn't. not in an absolutely serious sense. not like I did.

Are you sure she's your girlfriend? No but really... your in a relationship that will be a lot of work because you possibly went into it too quickly. If you two can't mutually say that you love each other, there's a distinct possibility that you jumped in too quickly.

 

[Cyrus]

You need a smart, funny, handsome, modest, humble, guy like me Moonbear .

 

[Moonbear]

You need a smart, funny, handsome, modest, humble, guy like me Moonbear .

I think you should stick to bribing the women with crabcakes.

 

[Pengwuino]

You need a smart, funny, handsome, modest, humble, guy like me Moonbear .

Why am i always on your mind cyrus?

 

[Physics is Phun]

no, she didn't get upset. I already said what happened though.
she said "you don't mean that yet" in a sympathetic voice. kissed me. I said I really did, and I've know her long enough to be sure of it. kissed her back. and she said "thank you" and left.
As far as I can recall that's how it went. ofcourse, after I said it and the very next word I heard wasn't "I" then my mind pretty much started going about a million miles a minute.

 

[Cyrus]

I think you should stick to bribing the women with crabcakes.

Bribes!?

I offered that from the goodness of my heart, .....now, where is lisa! with my dinner!?

 

[Pengwuino]

no, she didn't get upset. I already said what happened though.
she said "you don't mean that yet" in a sympathetic voice. kissed me. I said I really did, and I've know her long enough to be sure of it. kissed her back. and she said "thank you" and left.
As far as I can recall that's how it went. ofcourse, after I said it and the very next word I heard wasn't "I" then my mind pretty much started going about a million miles a minute.

mmm in a relationship where there's no expectation of love. Not my type of relationship

 

[Physics is Phun]

well I don't get it. Let's not forget she's leaving in the fall, she knows it and I know it. I would think that for you to want to be with someone enough to have a long distance relationship, you would perhaps LOVE that person! i dunno. maybe ur right, i should just get the hell out while it's easy...I don't want to though, i want it to work. I mean, we have everything in common and get along so well. I've never met anyone like this, as a friend or potential partner. and I will have wasted so much time if things don't work out.

 

[Pengwuino]

Well, for one, how old are you?

And two, if you two don't love each other, you have no chance of maintaining a long-distance relationship.

 

[Moonbear]

Long-distance relationships have their way of sorting out the good from the bad on their own. If it's a good relationship, it'll survive the distance. If it's a bad one, you'll just drift away, or move on to someone else when apart.