Saying 'I Love You': What's the Best Way?

[FrogPad]

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

oh snap.

an elegant proof.

 

[Cyrus]

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

Yeah, I am perfect, arent I? :!) :!)

 

[Moonbear]

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

Beautiful!

Careful, Cyrus, when one's ego becomes over-inflated around here, the PF Sisterhood has a lovely assortment of giant pins to help pop it.

 

[Cyrus]

Beautiful!

Careful, Cyrus, when one's ego becomes over-inflated around here, the PF Sisterhood has a lovely assortment of giant pins to help pop it.

Ah, you like it kinky, I see Pins and whips and torture devices .

 

[Moonbear]

Ah, you like it kinky, I see Pins and whips and torture devices .

Oh, so you've already been inside the supersonic RV, huh?

 

[Cyrus]

<Gulp, I will boldly go where no man has gone before...>

 

[Moonbear]

<Gulp, I will boldly go where no man has gone before...>

Oh, we've had men in there before. Tom and Humanino and tribdog have each had their turn being handcuffed to...:shy: Nevermind.

 

[Cyrus]

May god have mercy on their souls.

 

[Physics is Phun]

well, apparently we're back to just being friends again...she called me just now cause she watched the rest of starwars (which we were watching together )to ask me "what's with the red guy"
so we were on the phone just now for over an hour talking about random things. and she brought up that she was hanging out with this old boyfriend of hers. they're really good friends right now. and nothing would happen between them. but I still got the sense that she was trying to get me jealous. (of course maybe that's because she DID ) but other than that we had a good conversation.
I just don't know if I can be with her in person yet, especially alone. i don't see how she can be so fine about this either. she must know that I'm hurt.
Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

 

[nazzard]

[...] she watched the rest of starwars (which we were watching together )to ask me "what's with the red guy" [...]
Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

Stop playing and tell her what's up with the red guy. I'm curious to know as well!

 

[Pengwuino]

well, apparently we're back to just being friends again...she called me just now cause she watched the rest of starwars (which we were watching together )to ask me "what's with the red guy"
so we were on the phone just now for over an hour talking about random things. and she brought up that she was hanging out with this old boyfriend of hers. they're really good friends right now. and nothing would happen between them. but I still got the sense that she was trying to get me jealous. (of course maybe that's because she DID ) but other than that we had a good conversation.
I just don't know if I can be with her in person yet, especially alone. i don't see how she can be so fine about this either. she must know that I'm hurt.
Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

haha hanging out with her old boyfriend. What bull. She's trying to make you jeolous. Yah what a catch

 

[Astronuc]

Given the recent developments, I would imagine the young lady is perhaps trying to make you jealous (we really don't know because none of us know her, and even if we did, we can't read her mind). Telling you that she is hanging out with an old boyfriend is really unnecessary - except to possibly make one jealous.

I just don't know if I can be with her in person yet, especially alone. i don't see how she can be so fine about this either. she must know that I'm hurt.

Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

Or do both. Tell her you were hurt and disappointed, and play it cool.

As for oneself - it's going to hurt as long as one allows it to hurt.

 

[Pengwuino]

How can you say to someone "i was hurt and disappointed" and think that's acting cool?

 

[Physics is Phun]

Given the recent developments, I would imagine the young lady is perhaps trying to make you jealous (we really don't know because none of us know her, and even if we did, we can't read her mind). Telling you that she is hanging out with an old boyfriend is really unnecessary - except to possibly make one jealous.

well the thing is, she didn't just start hanging out with him. she always has been. i know him fairly well too. And it wasn't made clear, but she either watched the starwars movie with him or just borrowed the movies from him. Either way it seems like unecessary information. I'm having a hard time believing she's doing it on purpose though. I'm probably just getting jealous over nothing.

 

[nazzard]

[...] I'm probably just getting jealous over nothing.

Most likely. And:

"The worst kind, Of diseased mind, Is one filled with jealousy"

As a general note: don't try to analyse everything. Take it as a given fact. I'm sure you will learn to respect her decision, no matter if you think it was fair or not.

 

[Pengwuino]

She was trying to make you jeolous. You don't have to be a genius see that one.

 

[Moonbear]

well the thing is, she didn't just start hanging out with him. she always has been. i know him fairly well too. And it wasn't made clear, but she either watched the starwars movie with him or just borrowed the movies from him. Either way it seems like unecessary information. I'm having a hard time believing she's doing it on purpose though. I'm probably just getting jealous over nothing.

Regardless of whether she's doing it on purpose to make you jealous (which is pretty mean and hurtful), or if there's nothing to it and your jealousy is completely unfounded, one thing is very clear. You are not going to be able to stay friends with her without torturing yourself.

If she calls you again like that, just tell her that while you wish things had worked out differently, if she's serious about still being friends, the best thing she can do for you, as a friend, is to not talk to you, because you need time apart to work things out for yourself before you can be just friends again.

You really fell hard this time, because you were just starting to realize you love her just as she was about to dump you. Break-ups don't get much harder than that, so you're going to need time to get your own act back together. If you try to be friends now without any time apart, it's not going to work. You'll just end up hurt worse or dragging it out forever. And, in your mind, you'll never really be friends this way, you'll be ex-boyfriend and girlfriend, or maybe always hoping to be current boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn't work out for being friends. I've been there, and all it did was prolong the breaking up process and the hurt feelings. Two of my ex-boyfriends are very good friends of mine now, but it took a long time of not talking to them before we were able to be "just" friends. My advice, based on that, is don't attempt to rekindle your friendship with her until after you've managed to move on and start dating again (and not too soon after...no quicker way to sabotage a new relationship than to suddenly start hanging around with an ex-girlfriend...you see how it hurts you to know she's hanging around with an ex-boyfriend, and it's very possible the problems she had with your relationship is that she's not over the last guy herself).

 

[FrogPad]

Regardless of whether she's doing it on purpose to make you jealous (which is pretty mean and hurtful), or if there's nothing to it and your jealousy is completely unfounded, one thing is very clear. You are not going to be able to stay friends with her without torturing yourself.

If she calls you again like that, just tell her that while you wish things had worked out differently, if she's serious about still being friends, the best thing she can do for you, as a friend, is to not talk to you, because you need time apart to work things out for yourself before you can be just friends

Beautiful advice. You would be wise to take it.



...and dude, stop talking to her for hours

You guys aren't dating.

 

[Astronuc]

How can you say to someone "i was hurt and disappointed" and think that's acting cool?

That's not what I said. PiP can tell her that he is disappointed about the way things worked out, and the he needs some distance along the lines of what Moonbear mentioned.

she didn't just start hanging out with him. she always has been.

Well, hanging out with him again? She was hanging with the other guy, while you were dating?

I was looking back at the OP and the night of when it all blew up.

PiP and this young lady were only dating 2 weeks after being friens for 6-7 months. In the OP, the reference is to 'girlfriend', which usually infers some exclusive relationship. I am sure we are missing a lot of details (which are not really for public disclosure), but it maybe that the young lady is not ready for an exclusive relationship. She sounds like she enjoyed the companionship, but beyond that, she may not be ready for a serious relationship.

Beautiful advice. You would be wise to take it.

I second Moonbear's advice - she gets a Nobel Prize here.

 

[Physics is Phun]

PiP and this young lady were only dating 2 weeks after being friens for 6-7 months. In the OP, the reference is to 'girlfriend', which usually infers some exclusive relationship. I am sure we are missing a lot of details (which are not really for public disclosure), but it maybe that the young lady is not ready for an exclusive relationship. She sounds like she enjoyed the companionship, but beyond that, she may not be ready for a serious relationship.

that's exactly right. except to point out that she does want to be in a relationship. but just isn't ready for it yet. it was my fault for not being able to see it. i mean. her friend just died. i should've know anything she said wasn't going to last.
and she did hang out with her ex while she was dating me. it's not like she still likes him. he's my friend now too. we all go swimming at his place sometimes. But it seemed a bit unecessary to bring up that she was in his room. she was talking about the starwars movies and she says 'i haven't been in his room for a while, i forgot how much starwars stuff he had'
like wtf, i don't need to know that

 

[Pengwuino]

Why aren't my gut-punching tactics getting through to you Physics is phun.

 

[Pyrrhus]

You know what, Relationships should be enjoyed as when you go on vacations. It's a pleasant surprise at the beginning and when it ends, you don't want to leave, but you understand that it's over. Luckily, you have enough pleasant memories .

 

[Pengwuino]

You know what, Relationships should be enjoyed as when you go on vacations. It's a pleasant surprise at the beginning and when it ends, you don't want to leave, but you understand that it's over. Luckily, you have enough pleasant memories .

Unless you get stuck in a traffic jam on I5 going to someplace more hospitible to humans, end up paying tourist rates for a soda, and die.

 

[Lisa!]

I love you, people!
Now could you please tell me what you say to someone when you are very angry at him/her and you are not willing to see him again?(other than that f word and get the hell out of here.

 

[Astronuc]

that's exactly right. except to point out that she does want to be in a relationship. but just isn't ready for it yet.

"she does want to be in a relationship" - with whom? That seems to be a key point here.

It sounds like she was dating you because she enjoyed the companionship, but it was not an exclusive relationship, because she is still spending time with the other young man.

The conflict here is that you would be quite happy to have an exclusive relationship, but she is not ready for that, and when she is ready, will you be the one? There is no guarantee here.

How much uncertainty can you tolerate?

it was my fault for not being able to see it. i mean. her friend just died. i should've know anything she said wasn't going to last.

You didn't see it because you lack experience - that happens to everyone at different times in life. It sounds like she needs time to figure out where she is. Both of you are young. You've got 3-4 years of university ahead, then perhaps grad school, then a professional career, which could take either of you who knows where.

and she did hang out with her ex while she was dating me. it's not like she still likes him. he's my friend now too. we all go swimming at his place sometimes. But it seemed a bit unecessary to bring up that she was in his room. she was talking about the starwars movies and she says 'i haven't been in his room for a while, i forgot how much starwars stuff he had

Seriously consider Moonbear's advice.

But you could ask the young lady - why she is telling you all the details. Is this her way of being open and honest? What is the purpose of telling you that she is spending time with another guy?

Is this young lady sensitive to your feelings?

Are you sure you are both compatible?

I know these are hard questions - I've had to ask them myself a long time ago.


I told you rocket science is easier.

 

[Astronuc]

I love you, people!
Now could you please tell me what you say to someone when you are very angry at him/her and you are not willing to see him again?(other than that f word and get the hell out of here.

Well, it should be sufficient to say "I do not wish to see you anymore." Whether or not, or how much to elaborate or explain is up to you. On the other hand, the statement is straightforward, and an explanation unnecessary.

Lisa! - Why did you see him in the first place? I presume he approached you. Did you encourage him?

 

[Physics is Phun]

arggg. She called me again last night, with another star wars question I don't know what to think anymore. she told me that she really really liked me and didn't want it to happen this way at all, but she just couldn't do it at the time. and she said she doesn't expect me to wait for her which is kinda implying that she would like it if I waited for her.
but now she's calling me like she just wants to be my friend again and she's not hurt or upset or conflicted by this at all I just don't know what to think.
perhaps though, I mean I act perfectly fine when I'm talking to her. so maybe she's just doing the same thing. but then why is she calling me just to talk like we're dating or something?
Either way. If she's hurt then why is she calling me? and if she's perfectly fine with it then why does she call? she KNOWS I'm upset cause part of why she broke up with me is because she wasn't ready for a relationship and she knew I was.

 

[Astronuc]

arggg. She called me again last night, . . .

Well, you could tell her to stop calling for awhile, but that seems drastic.

she told me that she really really liked me and didn't want it to happen this way at all, but she just couldn't do it at the time.

What did she not what to happen? Better yet - what does she want in terms of a relationship? Really you should ask her face to face - not over the phone.

and she said she doesn't expect me to wait for her which is kinda implying that she would like it if I waited for her.

Wait for what? What does she expect?

but now she's calling me like she just wants to be my friend again and she's not hurt or upset or conflicted by this at all.

Can you comfortable with being 'just friends' with this young lady?

I just don't know what to think.

You need to stop 'guessing' about what she wants - and ask her directly? If she can't give you a straight answer, then that is a big problem.

You also need to decide what it is you want. If your wants and needs are not compatible with hers, then there is no basis for an exclusive relationship, but you could still be friends - IF you can be comfortable with that. (Being redundant - see Moonbear's advice!)

perhaps though, I mean I act perfectly fine when I'm talking to her. so maybe she's just doing the same thing. but then why is she calling me just to talk like we're dating or something?

Only she can answer that question! Ask her! If she can't give a straight answer, then there is a problem.

If she's hurt then why is she calling me? and if she's perfectly fine with it then why does she call? she KNOWS I'm upset cause part of why she broke up with me is because she wasn't ready for a relationship and she knew I was.

Well, these are all fine questions - that you should ask her. Only the two of you can work it out - that's part of the dynamic between male-female relationships.

But - you need to decide what you want. And you need to clarify what she wants - stop guessing.

Make some firm decisions - and move on.

 

[shmoe]

Regardless of whether she's doing it on purpose to make you jealous (which is pretty mean and hurtful), or if there's nothing to it and your jealousy is completely unfounded, one thing is very clear. You are not going to be able to stay friends with her without torturing yourself.

If she calls you again like that, just tell her that while you wish things had worked out differently, if she's serious about still being friends, the best thing she can do for you, as a friend, is to not talk to you, because you need time apart to work things out for yourself before you can be just friends again.

Physics is Phun, read the above again. and again. and again.

Didn't we have this discussion about being "boyfriend in waiting"? You do not seem capable of just being friends with her without spending most of your time agonizing about the situation. How horrible did you feel when she mentioned being in the same room as her ex, without them even gettin' it on. It will only get worse. It's not at all bad for her though, she knows she could have you in an instant if she wants. Even if she's legitimately 'confused' and not playing you, she'll take comfort in having a fall back plan. It feels good to be wanted, I'm sure she's enjoying that and even if she knows it's not good for you, it's hard to discourage it.

You really fell hard this time, because you were just starting to realize you love her just as she was about to dump you. Break-ups don't get much harder than that,...

If the worst break up you have is of this kind, count yourself lucky.

 

[Astronuc]

Didn't we have this discussion about being "boyfriend in waiting"? You do not seem capable of just being friends with her without spending most of your time agonizing about the situation. How horrible did you feel when she mentioned being in the same room as her ex, without them even gettin' it on. It will only get worse. It's not at all bad for her though, she knows she could have you in an instant if she wants. Even if she's legitimately 'confused' and not playing you, she'll take comfort in having a fall back plan. It feels good to be wanted, I'm sure she's enjoying that and even if she knows it's not good for you, it's hard to discourage it.

Also good advice.