Improving Conversational Skills- A Journey Through Shyness and Awkwardness

[Adyssa]

I'd like to improve my conversational skills - I'm kind of anti-social, and it's dawning on me that I am going to die alone if I don't start talking to people. I've reached this strange place in my life, and I don't quite know how I got here. I used to be, well, a bit shy but I could start a conversation with a stranger and more than likely not implode from awkwardness. These days, however, I can barely bring myself to speak to an aquaintance, and when I do I just stumble over my own ********. I'm pretty sure my friends think I'm mental, and I think they're not entirely wrong.

Some things I've noticed:

My interests are worlds apart from my close friends, and mostly a long way away from various people that I see day to day. I like computer programming. I like fringe electronic music (I actually like all kinds of music, but none of it is particularly mainstream, low-slung blues, jazz fusion, prog rock, strange, beautiful music of all kinds and I have a very large (vinyl!) record collection that is dear to me). I like reading books on the world wars, and popular physics, and other interesting things. I love great movies, and I spend time tracking down ones that I would like to see before I die. I don't have much time for .. shall I say "consumable" movies, not that I hate them but they don't give me any satisfaction. I don't watch television (at all, except for the odd doco, or Bear Grylls lol). My (close and long-standing) friends like awful (IMO) hip-hop music, don't like reading, spend their evenings watching sitcoms, have shallow relationships with great girls who invariably move on. I love them dearly, but they are killing my brain.

Anyway, small talk with my friends invariably wanders between making fun of each other, making fun of stupid things in life, and discussing what we will do when we have more than $100 between us (i.e. we talk about nothing). Because I avoid television, that often limits my part in the conversation if it moves in that direction. Occassionally one of us (well them) will meet a girl (I don't meet girls >.>) and the conversation might expand to include discussions of issues relating to girls (!) but for the most part, we take the piss. We all have a pretty wild (dry, black, your mother wouldn't approve) sense of humour, which is great, but there's not much else holding it together.

I've all but stopped going out because it's horribly awkward. I hate talking to people because I have nothing to say. I tend to keep my interests to myself as I hate coming across as some hipster geek, passionate about music that has GLO-RAVE connotations (>.>), computer nerd. I'm interested in other people's passions but I don't know how to ask about them without getting past the "so, how's this weather we're having?", "what do you do for a dayjob?", "do you like ... stuff?"

Uni is the same. I'm in my 2nd year now, and I don't know more than about 4 people in my course, and even those people I struggle to maintain a conversation with beyond our coursework.

I feel like I'm fading away! :(

So my question is, what do you talk about with someone you don't know well? How do you get past the fluff and into the things that are interesting to talk about?

 

[lisab]

This is a tough one. I really have no good tools to get out of small talk mode. But I have made that jump with a small group of people. For me, working in a group on a project or a common goal is a very good way to get past the small talk stage. My advice would be, find those kind of situations. Usually this happens at a workplace, occasionally at school too. Or, in volunteer work.

 

[DaveC426913]

You've moved on from your younger life. You don't share the same interests your long-time friends do. It happens.

You need to make some new friends (this doe not mean you have to give up your old friends). Make some friends that are interested in the same things you are. You'll find it easy to talk.

Pick one of your hobbies and join a club. A movie club, a book club, a jazz appreciation club.

 

[khemist]

Start with the fluff and as they answer your questions start asking more involved questions.

e.g. Ask what they do for a job/ major is, then ask them how they got into it, why they like it, etc. Doing that for me usually lands a decent conversation.

 

[nucleargirl]

dont care so much if they find what you say interesting - I get on well with my driving instructor and he basically just talks about stuff he finds interesting - like history, which I am not particularly intereted in, but eventually he will say something that I find interesting too and we can then have a conversation. and same with me, I was telling him how I like jeggings, and he also agreed that jeans were uncomfortable and we went on about how jeans were never meant to be comfortable etc. lol. Conversations don't have to be about anything important. but if you talk with people long enough about unimportant stuff, eventually the important stuff comes out.
Dont care too much - say whatever you are interested in and don't worry how it is received. and ask people what they are doing/interested in etc. without worrying how you appear to them.
Like in napoloeon dynamite! - they don't really care if their friends have the same interests, and it isn't interests that keep them friends, its just being there for each other and wanting to be friends and wanting to know how the other is doing - its caring about that other person!

 

[Adyssa]

Thanks for the tips. :)

I was thinking about joining a club ... we have tons of them at uni, as you can imagine, and I'm interested in the outdoors one, it would give me a chance to get out on my bike a bit more.

That and stop thinking so much I guess. I'm such a headcase sometimes!

 

[shelovesmath]

Here are my thoughts on small talk, and take this from someone who worked in the service industry for 20 years and had to deal with small talk all the time. Small talk can be a means to an end, a way to segue into a deeper conversation. Small talk can work in small doses, but if the crux of your conversation is small talk with your friends, maybe you just need new friends.

 

[Manula]

keep things in the same way as you do now.it is easy to be away from those distractions while you don't talk much with people.
strengthen yourself and be always independent.sometimes you'll very badly feel "if i could talk with others like the others do" but that's not the real you.such a feeling will come to you only when you are out of form.
my advice is to continue your things as you do now.

 

[Adyssa]

Here are my thoughts on small talk, and take this from someone who worked in the service industry for 20 years and had to deal with small talk all the time. Small talk can be a means to an end, a way to segue into a deeper conversation. Small talk can work in small doses, but if the crux of your conversation is small talk with your friends, maybe you just need new friends.

That's interesting actually, I worked in customer service for just shy of 10 years and I'm quite good at it I think. I find it easy to be polite and I work quickly, and those two things meant I could make a transaction into a happy experience. But I was never good at conversation then either. It wasn't uncomfortable, I had a reason to be talking (greeting customers, selling something extra, fixing a problem, wishing them a nice day) but I wouldn't ever overstep those basics, and would always find a way to move onto the next transaction / job before it became awkward.

I worked as a "mentor" (um kind of an assistant tutor I guess) at uni this semester, which was a pretty huge step out of my comfort zone. I was hoping to gain some social skills, and I guess I did in some small way, but it was pretty awful a lot of the time, I simply hate approaching people and kick-starting a conversation. It was a lot easier if they approached me with a question! I feel that it was worthwhile even without the social aspect, as I was able to reinforce a few concepts for myself, but I'm not lining up to do it again.

keep things in the same way as you do now.it is easy to be away from those distractions while you don't talk much with people.
strengthen yourself and be always independent.sometimes you'll very badly feel "if i could talk with others like the others do" but that's not the real you.such a feeling will come to you only when you are out of form.
my advice is to continue your things as you do now.

You know, that's kind of heart-warming. I often feel like I'm ... faking it I guess, trying to be someone I'm not, and I need to be reminded that I should just be me. It would be nice to be a slightly more social me, but I'll settle for unsocial me before social someone else.

 

[DaveC426913]

You know, that's kind of heart-warming. I often feel like I'm ... faking it I guess, trying to be someone I'm not, and I need to be reminded that I should just be me. It would be nice to be a slightly more social me, but I'll settle for unsocial me before social someone else.

Well, always be you, but the other side of the coin is to recognize that one needs to grow and push the boundaries of one's comfort zone. 'Being me' should not be an excuse to stagnate.

 

[wander_fool]

Adyssa, it's been more than a year since you posted this so I'm hoping you have mastered the art of small talk by now.If not, well, try asking questions about other people's interests, that will surely get them talking, sometimes non-stop! But don't expect to find a lot of people with the same interests as yours. I'm always envious of those people in the movies who find people who are exactly like them, think like them, but in my experience, when I talk to people (i mean including intelligent people) about physics or music that's not mainstream, they just roll their eyes. So, the secret in small talk is actually that, to say as little as possible about your interests and just be ready to listen to other people's. =(