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The life of Franzbear

  1. Jun 3, 2005 #1


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    Franzbear lives in a small suburb, spending the earlier years of his life on a steady diet of soda pop and ritalin, trying out different drugs and spending the rest of his time around a local 7-11.

    Tired of his life in the small Colorado town... not South Park, Franzbear starts to break down and leaves to start a new life in the big city

    Franzbear's very excited to be able to start a new life in "The City" and starts to have fun causing all sorts of mischief. But eventually Franzbear wakes up to reality and notices that Franzbear is all alone with no one else. Franzbear then becomes a rebel, spending his time with other criminals in an alley doing drugs and other things. After his run in with the law, he gets a successful desk job, in a small cubicle by the window in a stapler manufacturing company. Franzbear fills out paperwork, which he finds very boring, compared to his previous life of walking the streets and causing trouble. He started to eat the bad staples, that were thrown away, because he went bankrupt.

    It was not a very healthy diet for Franzbear, who soon turned ferromagnetic. :eek:

    The magnetism rendered Franzbear sterile, for which he did not like. Franzbear wrongly turned to magic for the solution. Franzbear always had a soft spot for the horny beauties... sometimes a hard spot. So he bought some on the French black market.

    He often rode them all day long before that over-consumption of too many staples. They took turns though, to be fair. The unicorns would ride Franzbear too.

    Nothing made him happier.

    One day Franzbear bought a sloth, three-toed it was, and pretty stinky. Franzbear didn't like it, but he didn't want to give it away or kill it. It was attached to him. Literally.

    One day Franzbear was pushed off a wooden rollercoaster, and fell off into a canyon. A boulder fell on his sloth, and it died. Franzbear cut it off with his pocket knife.

    Franzbear became hysterically happy, and replaced the sloth with a butterfly, three-toed it was, which he later cooked, and ate for dinner. It wasn't much, but it was better than the staples.

    Franzbear got food poisoning from it, so he went to Mr. Doctor and got cured faster than a ham.

    One day his boss found out how many staples Franzbear had eaten. It was exactly 279,356,934,023.5349. Franzbear was fired, making the staple job the 36th job he was fired from.

    He went to go work at a glue factory.

    He liked the glue more than the staples, but constantly worried that someone would take his unicorns and make magic glue, so he hid them in the Congese jungle.

    Franzbear was still scared, so he quit his very important job of stirring bubbling epoxy.

    God saw Franzbear tell his boss he was quiting. God became disgruntled...
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2005
  2. jcsd
  3. Jun 3, 2005 #2
    This reminds me of the blurb on the back of a Robert Rankin novel :biggrin:
  4. Jun 3, 2005 #3


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    that was hilarious!

    I assume the drugs were stuoids?
  5. Jun 3, 2005 #4
    Poor Franzbear, where did we go wrong?

    In the grand tradition of American lack of personal responsibility, I blame Tribdog.
  6. Jun 3, 2005 #5


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    I blame you, franznietzsche. You haven't posted in him for awhile, hundreds of pages...for shame...
  7. Jun 3, 2005 #6

    Well, it was supposed to be my thread to kill, by virtue of my being the Champion Thread Killer. But you people kept resurrecting the damn bastard. I only wanted him to die, by my hand. Is that too much to ask?
  8. Jun 3, 2005 #7


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    We want to at least get to 10,000 replies...we have abot 1900 to go, so I'll give it a week or two
  9. Jun 3, 2005 #8


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    I left it dot dot dot-ed so that someone could add on to it if they wanted to. :smile:
  10. Jun 3, 2005 #9


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    now franzbear is in the second stage of his life. he had just moved to canada for the healthcare because he has a heart problem. he was learning to use "eh?" in his language more and more and sterted to fit in. but after many months of not paying rent, his landlord threw him out.

    he earned enough money to fly back to his old hometown in colorado. he got a job at the local McDonald's and found a nice house to stay in.

    once, he was out by a river and found a small patch of mushrooms. he called them stuoids. he cooked them in a tea and drank them up.

    one night, after having too many stuoids, franzbear walked out in the middle of the street. He didn't see the car coming, and BAM! he was hit. People gathered around him, wondering if he was alive. the paramedic declared him dead, and a small, "yes!" was heard in the crowd, and everyone looked, it was moonbear.

    Franzbear was about to go under an autopsy, when franzbear blinkked one eye, he was alive... he didn't have a home anymore, so moonbear took him in. little did he know that she wanted to kill him.

    One night, franzbear got back from the docks after moonbear sent him to talk to some of the sailors. as soon as he got back, moonbear told him he was to go to malaysia. She gave him a white powdery substance, and told him to give it to the nearest police official that he could find.

    two weeks later, he was on death row in malaysia, going to facee the electric chair. this is where we leavo off, for now..

    for updates on franzbear's condition, tune into the thread killer's thread!
  11. Jun 5, 2005 #10


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    Wouldn't he give baking powder to bakers?
  12. Jun 10, 2005 #11


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    you would think so, but no... :rolleyes:
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