To Tell or Not To Tell: Dealing with a Friend's Relationship

[fileen]

So I live with a few guys, all of them are my friends and have been for some time. Recently one of them, (we'll call him fred for fun) has started dating a girl I know, but am not terribly close to. This girl is very good friends with another of my housemates (we'll call him george) which is great because she's around a lot. Fred is a nice guy, but he's a drug addict to say the least, and he is possibly the most self centered person I know. He is very involved in rehab and trying to get back on track with things, but we all know he doesn't really want to. He has all sorts of plans and absolutely no intention of following through. He recently has been talking to me about his relationship with this girl, and he clearly sees her as no more than a sex object and is quite open with this fact. I didnt care at first, I mean it doesn't affect me and its none of my business so I kept quiet about it. This girl however, has recently decided she wants to be best friends with me because Fred, George and I are so close. The more I get to know this girl the more guilty I feel about my knowledge. She is absolutely smitten with Fred and has no clue that he's totally using her. George keeps telling me how happy he is that this girl has finally found someone who cares about her etc. Fred would never talk to George the way he talks to me. Part of me feels like I need to say something, but I don't want to be the one to break her heart. I tried to tell Fred he needs to be honest with this girl or he's going to hurt her but he figures he's got a really good thing and he doesn't want to mess with it. When the S*** hits the fan I know everyones going to be mad at everyone and I am sort of stuck on how to handle this situation.

 

[wolram]

Blow the bugger out of the water, stomp him or what ever, i hate such people.

 

[fileen]

Ya, its so cruel, but I wish hed told someone else and they could deal with it. I am tempted to tell George and let him tell the poor girl

 

[turbo]

Bad news! It would be a good idea to extricate yourself from this group and make a life for yourself ASAP. If you stir up this stuff while you're in the midst of it, you will be sorry. It's best to try to do the right thing whenever you can, but in this case, the "right thing" can put you at personal risk. Be careful and take care of yourself.

 

[wolram]

One time a few of the girls got together and sent such a guy into the streets naked, he never came back ,but these (girls) were a bit handy, so do not try to do such a thing on your ownsome.

 

[DaveC426913]

If you mind your business, stay loyal to Fred and don't tell her, will you be able to weather any fallout with a clear conscience?

If you decide to be loyal to her and do tell her, will you be able to weather any fallout with a clear conscience?

 

[Evo]

fileen, the only way out is to come to Bora Bora with the PF Sisters until it blows over.

https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=1917776&postcount=67

Would Fred get upset if you told George?

 

[Moonbear]

I wouldn't suggest telling George. That's just involving more people in the mess and really is just gossiping. As for whether you tell the girl what Fred said, well, I don't think any of us can tell you what to do there. You're going to have to follow your own conscience.

Is everyone involved over 18? If so, it might be best to just stay out of the way and let them learn their lessons. Meddling hardly ever works out right. For all you know, you might meddle and then find out that Fred's feelings were changing and then he's mad that you scared away someone he was starting to really care about. Or, she decides not to believe you and gets mad at you while continuing to date Fred, so then both are mad at you while you're all under one roof.

But, if you're really sure that Fred is just going to hurt the girl, and you feel you care enough about her to spare her from it being worse than it already will be (maybe you're becoming friends with her independent of Fred's involvement), you can speak up.

One thing I'm pretty sure about...if you're going to start meddling with your housemates' relationships or dating or whatever it is, you should first make sure you have another place to live, because it'll get very uncomfortable very quickly.

 

[Astronuc]

Tell the girl to try abstinence for 4-6 weeks.

Or tell her that you don't want to get involved in her relationship with Fred. I agree with Moonbear and turbo-1, and Evo's suggestion of a trip to Bora Bora.

Personally, I have no tolerance for people like Fred.

 

[Kurdt]

I'd just tell her but I'm mentally impaired so what do I know. The woman in my mind clearly deserves to know what the score is before she gets truly hurt. You must also ask yourself if you really want to remain close to the Fred fella. Seems like a div.

 

[tribdog]

Nothing good can come out of you telling her, besides sometimes guys talk a lot tougher than they really are. Its really hard to pretend you love someone when you don't. Either he'll start to get more feelings for her or he'll gradually start showing how he really feels. Either way is a lot less painful for her than if you come out and say something. Keep your nose out of their relationship. Otherwise you not only become known as someone who meddles where she shouldn't, but you also become known as someone you can't tell secrets to.

 

[fileen]

I have kept my mouth shut, and Ill probably just continue to do so. I just feel so guilty every time she goes on about how happy she is and how great he is. I am hoping he slips up and says something when George is around and then I won't have to worry about it because George would never let it continue. He would put an end to it right away. I've told Fred what I think and I am sure he's noticed my changed attitude towards him. Hes my friend but what he's doing is wrong and he knows it.

 

[DaveC426913]

I have kept my mouth shut, and Ill probably just continue to do so. I just feel so guilty every time she goes on about how happy she is and how great he is. I am hoping he slips up and says something when George is around and then I won't have to worry about it because George would never let it continue. He would put an end to it right away. I've told Fred what I think and I am sure he's noticed my changed attitude towards him. Hes my friend but what he's doing is wrong and he knows it.

You're hoping she'll be told - you just don't want to be the one to do it?

 

[Kurdt]

You should do it because its the right thing to do, not just clam up because you're afraid of inconveniencing yourself.

 

[mcknia07]

Defantly need to tell...No girl wants to be the one to be hurt, so telling her now, will ease some of the pain, don't let her get too attached and be truly heartbroken. It will be hard, but you have to man up and tell her. It's just the right thing to do.

 

[Evo]

I'll relate a similar story, but we weren't living together.

I met a girl I'll call golddigger, she had a wonderful girlfriend I'll call Angel. We became friends. It soon became obvious that Golddigger was indeed a brain dead golddiger. Golddigger was dating a super nice guy I'll call Greg. Golddigger liked Greg but as an environmental attorney he didn't make much money, so she was just using him until more money came along. Angel and I felt really bad for Greg, because he was an awesome guy.

So, Angel and I decided that we would ditch golddigger and let everyone know we were no longer her friends. Greg, being the intelligent guy he was, realized that if her best friends dumped her, there was something wrong with her and dumped her also and then he realized how badly he'd been used. The three of us became best friends.

 

[DaveC426913]

I'll relate a similar story, but we weren't living together.

I met a girl I'll call golddigger, she had a wonderful girlfriend I'll call Angel. We became friends. It soon became obvious that Golddigger was indeed a brain dead golddiger. Golddigger was dating a super nice guy I'll call Greg. Golddigger liked Greg but as an environmental attorney he didn't make much money, so she was just using him until more money came along. Angel and I felt really bad for Greg, because he was an awesome guy.

So, Angel and I decided that we would ditch golddigger and let everyone know we were no longer her friends. Greg, being the intelligent guy he was, realized that if her best friends dumped her, there was something wrong with her and dumped her also and then he realized how badly he'd been used. The three of us became best friends.

An interesting story though I wonder at the logic of your solution: you're not worried about your loyalty to golddigger, so why not just outright tell Greg?

Seems to me, OTOH, fileen has some loyalty to- and friendship with- Fred, which I assume is why she's torn.

 

[DaveC426913]

fileen, I'm realizing I am not sure of your motives.

We know why you want to warn her (guilt for her eventual pain), but what is your reasoning for not wanting to warn her?
- not your place to interfere (or judge)
- loyalty to Fred
- don't want to be responsible for the fallout

 

[cristo]

How does this girl not realize that Fred is just messing around with her? I mean, he must be some actor if every time he talks to you, it is obvious he's messing her about, but every time he's with her he's some romantic amazing guy.

Anyway, I don't think you should get too involved with this situation. In my experience, if you tell her, she's going to be mad at you for not giving her bloke a chance, and he's going to be mad at you for betraying his confidence. Just stay somewhat back from the situation-- after all, this can't be the only thing you guys talk about.

 

[BobG]

An interesting story though I wonder at the logic of your solution: you're not worried about your loyalty to golddigger, so why not just outright tell Greg?

Seems to me, OTOH, fileen has some loyalty to- and friendship with- Fred, which I assume is why she's torn.

Plus, if Greg and fileen dump Fred and get their own apartment, Fred's girlfriend will just figure Greg and fileen are shacking up together and wanted more privacy. The message will go completely over her head.

I'd tell Fred that what he does is his own business as long as it stays his business, but don't make me a coconspirator. Then I'd tell his girlfriend.

 

[Evo]

An interesting story though I wonder at the logic of your solution: you're not worried about your loyalty to golddigger, so why not just outright tell Greg?

Because if we had remained friends with her and told him she was using him, he might not have believed us.

We decided that she wasn't someone we wanted to be friends with anyway, so the timing just worked out well for him.

 

[tribdog]

just stay out of other people's relationships. period. nobody is going to thank you for breaking them up. If the girl is running around happy as a lark and telling everyone how great it is to be in love then let her be happy.

 

[fileen]

You're hoping she'll be told - you just don't want to be the one to do it?

Exactly

 

[fileen]

fileen, I'm realizing I am not sure of your motives.

We know why you want to warn her (guilt for her eventual pain), but what is your reasoning for not wanting to warn her?
- not your place to interfere (or judge)
- loyalty to Fred
- don't want to be responsible for the fallout

I live with both Fred and George, and I am becoming fast friends with the girl in question. I am afraid of everyone hating everyone and especially me for being the cause of all the conflict

 

[fileen]

How does this girl not realize that Fred is just messing around with her? I mean, he must be some actor if every time he talks to you, it is obvious he's messing her about, but every time he's with her he's some romantic amazing guy.

Anyway, I don't think you should get too involved with this situation. In my experience, if you tell her, she's going to be mad at you for not giving her bloke a chance, and he's going to be mad at you for betraying his confidence. Just stay somewhat back from the situation-- after all, this can't be the only thing you guys talk about.

Haha its not the only thing we talk about, he does mention it though almost like he's bragging. He goes on about how attractive she is and how willing to she is to do the things he wants and then laughs about it as though its some sort of joke. The other house mate who is also a guy came to me last night to ask me what I thought of it. He doesn't even know the girl and feels bad, but like me doesn't want to get involved. I am clearly not the only one who is noticing this, but I am also not the only one who wants to mind their business. We agreed to simply be very clear about our feelings when ever Fred brings it up, and if the situation does not improve we plan to some how... mention it to her in a way that doesn't cause her to leave Fred... but just makes her think about things... I honestly can't imagine how to accomplish that though.

 

[lisab]

just stay out of other people's relationships. period. nobody is going to thank you for breaking them up. If the girl is running around happy as a lark and telling everyone how great it is to be in love then let her be happy.

I agree. Stay out of it.

Also be aware of the true root of the problem -- Fred's drug addiction. Any time there's an addiction in a relationship, it's highly likely that things will not end well.

If the gf learns this lesson, then something good will have come from it.

 

[fileen]

I agree. Stay out of it.

Also be aware of the true root of the problem -- Fred's drug addiction. Any time there's an addiction in a relationship, it's highly likely that things will not end well.

If the gf learns this lesson, then something good will have come from it.

I don't think she's even aware of his addiction. Girls can be so dumb when they get in the midst of men.

 

[Kurdt]

I can't believe how callous some people can be when other people are getting messed about. I'm alright jack, so sod you. If its more a case of wanting to keep the same relationships then I don't think that is particularly savvy. When it all comes out those relationships will change anyway. Not to mention this Fred guy sounds as though he's really not worth knowing at all.

 

[tribdog]

I don't think she's even aware of his addiction. Girls can be so dumb when they get in the midst of men.

and when they don't

 

[fileen]

and when they don't

girls just seem to be oblivious sometimes or intentionally ignore what's right in front of them if they like a guy. As though not noticing it will make it go away. I am sure guys do it too

 

[Kurdt]

Guys buy breast augmentations for christmas. So not really.

 

[tribdog]

I can't believe how callous some people can be when other people are getting messed about. I'm alright jack, so sod you. If its more a case of wanting to keep the same relationships then I don't think that is particularly savvy. When it all comes out those relationships will change anyway. Not to mention this Fred guy sounds as though he's really not worth knowing at all.

I can't believe how some people think they have any business telling someone else how to live their life and who they should be with. If someone told you the girl you love was no good for you would you stop loving her? NO you'd tell them to go to hell and not tell you how to live your life.

"Turns his back on his best friend if he puts her down. When a man loves a woman".~Smokey robinson

 

[Kurdt]

You're not doing that though are you. It probably saves people a lot more heart ache in the long run.

 

[fileen]

Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were friends for that long before we started together and its just sort of understood that we will eventually be married. That said, if my boyfriend was saying these things when I was not around I couldn't stay with him. Even if he was just bragging or trying to impress people. I know that I would want someone to tell me. I would be really angry at first and not want to believe it, but I think in the long run Id want to know. I would want it to be a really good friend though, someone I could cry on. I've known this girl for maybe a month, I can imagine she will be rather angry and its going to come back to me. It may not accomplish anything anyways, she may not want to hear it and she may not want to believe me. Fred is a good guy underneath it all, he's just not in a good place in his life. Maybe I am too forgiving because I've been there. I know that he doesn't want to hurt anyone, and I am hoping he either sees the error of his ways and puts an end to this madness or else grows to care for this girl in the way she seems to think he does.

 

[physics girl phd]

Turbo-1, you rock!:

Bad news! It would be a good idea to extricate yourself from this group and make a life for yourself ASAP. If you stir up this stuff while you're in the midst of it, you will be sorry. It's best to try to do the right thing whenever you can, but in this case, the "right thing" can put you at personal risk. Be careful and take care of yourself.

I absolutely agree with Turbo-1's viewpoint. Start setting yourself up for new living conditions when you're able to get out of this lease, find other friends, and just be "too busy" so home becomes a place to crash, not a place to hang out. Sometimes the best roommates are those that you can live with, but not those you spend 24/7 with and know very intimate details about... as long as they aren't stealing your stuff, aren't trashing the place, and are paying their share of rent. Likewise, the best friends are often those you play with, but don't have to live with. (Note -- Being too busy also means you avoid having to tell anyone in this situation just by avoiding everyone.)

Of course with this viewpoint, one wonders how I ever got married... but that's another matter altogether...

 

[tribdog]

You're not doing that though are you. It probably saves people a lot more heart ache in the long run.

But its not up to you to save people from heart ache. Its their heart and their ache let them have it. People aren't veal.

 

[Kurdt]

Like I said its not your choice in the end anyway, its theirs, you're just passing on information. What they do with it is up to them.

 

[tribdog]

You wrote down the names of the kids who got out of their seat when the teacher left the room didn't you.

 

[Evo]

Wow, am I the only one that would want to be told? If I found out someone knew this and didn't tell me, I'd be furious.

I guess I just don't get how people think.

 

[Kurdt]

I guess I just don't get how people think.

I'm with you on that.

 

[tribdog]

Evo your last husband was no good for you. didn't anyone tell you that before you married him? How would you have reacted if your bridesmaid would have came up to you at the wedding and said "don't do it, Evo. You're just going to end up divorced in a few years."

You think telling this girl is the right thing to do, but the girl is happy right now. Don't destroy that. She is not being hurt. She is simply in a relationship where one partner has stronger feelings than the other one does. Don't judge the entire relationship by what some guy says when he's bragging to his friends. Judge the relationship on how this guy treats her when they are together. He's making her happy. Most relationships don't last forever no need to help with the destruction.

 

[tribdog]

I know I've had plenty of relationships where I didn't feel the same way about someone as they felt about me. So has everyone else here. That's part of dating.

AHHH I've got so many analogies running through my head I can't put them all down.

I used to try to stick my finger into the wall sockets. My parents would tell me NO and slap my hand away. I would cry and be upset with them then when their back was turned I'd try to stick my finger into the wall socket again. One day I managed to pull a plug part way out and touch the metal with my finger. I never tried sticking my finger into wall sockets after that, but I had to learn for myself.

I used to be in love with Whitney Houston. I had her posters on my wall. I wanted to marry her when I grew up. When I grew up I no longer wanted to marry her, she was no good for me. that doesn't mean I didn't love her when I was younger or that I wasn't happy in my fantasy.

 

[Evo]

Evo your last husband was no good for you. didn't anyone tell you that before you married him? How would you have reacted if your bridesmaid would have came up to you at the wedding and said "don't do it, Evo. You're just going to end up divorced in a few years."

I wish someone had known and told me. He had just moved into town and no one knew him.

I also got married in the courthouse, I don't believe in weddings.

You think telling this girl is the right thing to do, but the girl is happy right now. Don't destroy that. She is not being hurt. She is simply in a relationship where one partner has stronger feelings than the other one does. Don't judge the entire relationship by what some guy says when he's bragging to his friends. Judge the relationship on how this guy treats her when they are together. He's making her happy. Most relationships don't last forever no need to help with the destruction.

I disagree, but that's how I feel about the situation. I would want to know what's going on and I would be angry to find out that I was being kept in the dark. Tell me what you know and I'll decide what to do with that information. But that's me. I would expect a friend to let me know anything they suspected.

In other words, fileen has no way to know how anyone is going to respond.

 

[Andre]

I'm with Evo. I think it should be told. Seen many relationships like that of which it could have been foreseen to end in a tragic way. Better now than a morgage and two kids later.

But it's tricky.

 

[tribdog]

Its funny. I'm actually getting upset. I hadn't realized I felt so strongly about freedom. I suppose we could take this girl and put her into a plastic bubble and tell her what to read and what to eat and who to date. We could filter the air. Make sure she never drinks any alcohol or eats fried foods. Put padding on all the sharp corners so she doesn't risk a bruise. Keep her out of the sun. We know what's best for her. As long as no one puts us into bubbles we'll be able do whatever we want and we can censor what we allow her to experience. What? You say she is extremely happy in her current relationship? We'll she shouldn't be! Just wait until I tell her that her boyfriend is a little bit immature and brags to his friends about his sex life. That'll wipe the smile off her face. then she'll be broken hearted instead of happy, she'll thank us for it I'm sure.

 

[fileen]

You wrote down the names of the kids who got out of their seat when the teacher left the room didn't you.

I didnt go to school so no, that kid wasnt me. I am also a huge fan of rule breaking which is why my mother saw fit to keep me home. I don't want to tell her, but I do want her to know. I think she's being treated unfairly, and if we were closer I wouldn't even have to think about it, Id just tell her. The problem is, that she's just begun to like me and and I her. My other house mate and myself are going to just keep harassing Fred until he stops being dumb. Hes notorious for making stupid decisions and usually takes my advise. If nothing else he will quit talking that way around us. I suspect that Fred has never had a sexual relationship with someone and may just be bragging because he's excited about it. Hes 25 years old but he hasnt had the luck with the ladies being both a biochemistry nerd and a pothead. In the 3 years I've known him I know he hasnt had a girlfriend and despite his efforts has not even gotten to experience a one night stand. I think that when he hears from us that saying these things is not ok, he might start to tell us about the non physical things he likes about the girl. If not, I will have no shame in telling her, but the relationships just begun and it might get better. She barely knows him so I think she's dumb for getting so attached in the first place.

 

[Andre]

Its funny. I'm actually getting upset.

You're getting carried away, Trib. Things like that have neither been said nor intended. let's try and see it objectively, perhaps almost like the scientific method. Decisions should be based on sound data and information. If that information is withheld, sound decisions can't be made. And afterwards there is the mess to clean up.

 

[tribdog]

Of course he's immature. He's new to sex and he feels like a big man to be able to talk about it. He's seen porno and he's listened to rap so he knows how he's supposed to talk about sex. Truth is, he probably does have feelings for her, but doesn't want to sound like he's whipped. If every relationship was ended because one of the persons acted like an *** then the human race would become extinct.
She's in love, He'll grow up. Or they'll break up. That's life and it is none of your business. Keep your nose out of it.
There is not a person in here who hasn't said something to one of their friends about someone that they wouldn't like that person to know. That's what friends and private messages are for.

 

[BobG]

girls just seem to be oblivious sometimes or intentionally ignore what's right in front of them if they like a guy. As though not noticing it will make it go away. I am sure guys do it too

It does make it go away. If your wife stops living at home and you don't notice, your problem goes away.

 

[Kurdt]

Its funny. I'm actually getting upset. I hadn't realized I felt so strongly about freedom. I suppose we could take this girl and put her into a plastic bubble and tell her what to read and what to eat and who to date. We could filter the air. Make sure she never drinks any alcohol or eats fried foods. Put padding on all the sharp corners so she doesn't risk a bruise. Keep her out of the sun. We know what's best for her. As long as no one puts us into bubbles we'll be able do whatever we want and we can censor what we allow her to experience. What? You say she is extremely happy in her current relationship? We'll she shouldn't be! Just wait until I tell her that her boyfriend is a little bit immature and brags to his friends about his sex life. That'll wipe the smile off her face. then she'll be broken hearted instead of happy, she'll thank us for it I'm sure.

I think that's a bit of an over reaction. Like I've tried to convey previously its not about removing freedom. Its about giving her information which she can act upon in any way she sees fit. Thats not the same as telling her not to see the guy. If anything I'd say it gives her more freedom and more control over her life.