STOP THAT COUGHIN'
=================
Mr. Cohen duly signed an affidavit stating that this story is true. The
number of that affidavit is 89-127. It is available for your perusal at
city hall, records department, legal documents division, affidavits
section. It is the 127th affidavit in an aluminum drawer labelled "89".
Searches for affidavits in aluminum drawers are simplified thanks to
labelled dividers inserted after every 100th affidavit. Mr. Cohen's
affidavit you will find in the section following the divider labelled
"100 to 199".
An affidavit is a sworn statement in writing. And made under oath before
an authorized magistrate or justice of the peace. It is meant to be
understood by lawyers only. It contains intelligent stuff like "In
Witness Thereof" or "The Aforementioned".
If you sign a "sworn" affidavit, you have to put your right hand on top
of the Bible and act serious, dignified and honest.
Perry Mason always seemed to need half a dozen or so affidavits, along
with the odd "Habeas Corpus". He would often hit a button connecting him
to his secretary, Della Street, and yell at her something like "hey Della,
get that guy to sign a sworn affidavit", or "hey Della, get the judge to
issue an Habeas Corpus".
You knew it was Perry Mason because there was a name-plate on the lawyer's
desk. It said: Perry Mason, Attorney-At-Law.
I will now witness thereof that the aforementioned Mr. Cohen is the owner
of Cohen's drugstore. The town in which this story takes place contains a
steep hill, on Main street. Mr. Cohen's drugstore is also situated on Main
street, and is half-way down the steep hill. It is very easy to tell it is
Mr. Cohen's drugstore because there's a sign above the entrance that says:
Cohen's Drugstore.
James F. Grant's funeral service is being held in a church situated on top
of the steep hill. It is named "The Church of the Seventy-Second Parable".
The distinguished Reverend is complimenting James with the proper words,
while Mrs. Grant dabs appropriately at her eyes, with absorbing tissue
from a packet in her purse. It is a pink economy size packet of Kleenex.
Examples of proper words by distinguished Reverends at funeral services are
"he was a pillar of the community" and "he will surely encounter eternal
happiness in the life beyond". Such proper words by distinguished Reverends
strategically terminate with "and he will always be remembered for his
utmost generosity". At this point, distinguished church regulars wearing
white gloves come out carrying special baskets to collect one's donation.
The size of the smile one gets is proportionally related to the size of
one's donation.
Mr. Cohen is not attending James' funeral. As you will see shortly, this
story requires that Mr. Cohen be in his drugstore. Mr. Cohen is presently
standing behind his counter, ticking off a delivery slip for Buckley's
cough syrup, and massaging his left arm. Mr. Cohen opened for business a
few minutes ago, when he hung up a special sign. The sign says: come in,
we're open.
Mr. Cohen's left arm is very tired. This is because Mrs. Cohen weighs
over 300 pounds and goes to bed an hour before Mr. Cohen, coming to rest
on the right side of the bed. Mrs. Cohen's weight causes the left side of
the mattress to rise 22 inches. Unfortunately for poor Mr. Cohen, this
results in the sleeping surface ending up at a 34 degree slope.
When Mr. Cohen arrives an hour later, he carefully lies down on his
stomach and hooks his left arm around the risen left side of the mattress.
Mr. Cohen does this in order not to roll due to the 34 degree incline,
and end up disturbing Mrs. Cohen. When jolted during her sleep, Mrs. Cohen
reacts with a rapid roll to the left which would spell disaster on poor
Mr. Cohen. Next, to offset high frequencies originating from Mrs. Cohen's
nostrils, Mr. Cohen, using his right hand, slips on his ear phones and,
hanging on tight, prays for sleep.
James' funeral service is now over. His coffin is now being rolled out
using a special coffin carrier on little wheels. At this point, please be
advised that coming up next is the conclusion of this story and that events
will from now on unfold rapidly.
I am now "setting the stage". This will consist of a reminder that events
and situations as they now exist are overly important, as without these I
could not properly terminate this story. These are:
1- the coffin is on a carrier on top of a steep hill
2- the drugstore is half-way down the steep hill
3- Mr. Cohen is standing behind his counter
4- added information: Mr. Cohen left the front door open
5- and coming up: an unexpected very strong gust of wind
The coffin is now rolled out to the middle of Main street. Then it is left
temporarily unattended, as the hearse is pulling up. And at this precise
moment, the unexpected very strong gust of wind occurs. It is much stronger
than the coffin carrier. The carrier tips over. The coffin falls off. The
coffin lands such that it starts rolling down the steep hill.
Many ladies gasp many "ah's". The distinguished Reverend utters "my gosh".
Mrs. Cohen cries out "James! James!". Mrs. Logan comes over to comfort her;
she says "now, now, it's ok Mabel: at least he won't hurt himself".
The coffin is rolling right down the middle of Main street, and gathering
speed. About a quarter of the way down, it begins to veer left. Half-way
down it hits a fire hydrant, right in front of Mr. Cohen's drugstore.
The impact causes the coffin to spring open, James flies out, then the
coffin bounces back to the middle of Main street, next bangs itself shut
on the first half-roll, and keeps rolling down the steep hill. Remember:
the coffin keeps rolling down the steep hill.
James' ejection from the coffin is at the required velocity and direction
to permit the following series of events:
1- James tumbling ahead in the direction of Mr. Cohen's drugstore
2- then tumbling through the open front door
3- and tumbling inside the drugstore in the direction of Mr. Cohen
4- barely missing bottles of Buckley's cough syrup piled up in a pyramid
5- ending up with a final tumble in such a way that James was on his feet
6- and leaning against Mr. Cohen's counter
Mr. Cohen, leaning on his right elbow, looks up from the delivery slip of
Buckley's cough syrup and asks: what can I do for you?
James answers: I need something to stop my coffin...
Wilmer.
