kamsom2009 said:
I am applying for a scholarship that is very important to me and is not based on financial need. So the essay is a make-or-break deal.
If you're already going to a school, see if you've got a writing center on campus. If so, vist and have a tutor work with you on the piece.
a) Even at 250 words, it needs to be a short story. The way you've currently got it structured, you're dropping the story half way through. You need to bring
"Words like "diastolic dysfunction" and "dilated cardiomyopathy" are no longer foreign to me, and I could not be happier. "
back to sonography, which should take a sentence or a couple more words.
b) You're really thin on the answer to "why sonography?". You spend 2/3rds of the essay on the background history, and then give your brother-in-law background as the answer. There needs to be more you, even if you have to condense some of the history.
c) You probably can cut the first or first two paragraphs and start at the third if you need the words. Figure out what information the scholarship committee will see anyway on a different form or in a different essay.
d) You've got to clean up the grammar. Even assuming the readers will make allowances because you're an ESL speaker (and that's a big if), some of your sentences are so awkward they're hurting your clarity.
e) This probably isn't the correct thread to ask your question.
What is your current career?Why and how did you choose it? Was it your only choice? Was there any chance for you to choose between 2 or more jobs?
I don't have a career, as I'm still a student.
