Why does my social life suck so much?

[Cyrus]

That's because you're an intelligent guy who hangs around places where a lot of educated women hang out...it's not really "normal" for "most" women.

Not really. I've been to a very metal punk bar/club, to a very very trendy lounge, to a local college bar. By far the WORST girls are at the college bars. They don't conversate, and are too immature. Women 25 and older are the best to talk to because they can hold a conversation. You can always find smart girls at a bar, you just have to know how to talk to them or they will tell you to get lost before your done saying your name.

There are always losers like that in bars. Here's a big hint for the guys...if you need to have a few drinks to get the "courage" to talk to women, do yourself a favor and go home before you embarrass yourself. Nobody likes a drunken idiot hitting on them.

This guy didnt even have a drink! I told her to go tell him that you're both lesbian lovers and that you hate men. She said she tried that once but the guy found that even more of a turn on So then I told her what to say next to him, which I won't repeat here.

Instead, don't go with the aim of meeting women, but just people. Sit at the bar and chat with the bartenders or the other patrons also hanging out by themselves at the bar. It's a good way to learn to just chat about nothing, as someone else put it earlier in the thread.

No! Bartenders are usually SUPER busy and don't have time to talk to you. (At least the places I go to are very busy). Thats a good way to annoy the hell out of any bartender.

For the time being, just STAY away from bars. That comes later in life. Learn to walk first before you try to run.

 

[Economist]

i am a junior and just transferred to my new school. i don't want to end up really awkward and lonely and have horrendous hygiene like a couple of my professors. I'm not THAT introverted, I've met plenty of people and made a few aquaintances but no real "friends", and small talk all right (i think). I've only been involved in a few conversations beyond small talk so far, and most of the time i had nothing to say due to my lack of knowledge. probably because i don't see movies, watch tv, listen to music, play video games all that much. the only i thing i really follow that people talk about is sports. but if i start focusing on those things, then my academics will slip, but i want to go to a good grad school in math or physics. i can't seem to turn my acquaintances into friends since they all have different class schedules and live in the dorms, and i dont. i spend most of the day alone, studying in the library or on the computer. but i guess this is all my fault since i never really tried to be social until recently

if that's not bad enough, I've NEVER been on a date! what i really fear is that even if a girl started seeing interest in me, she'll be freaked out by the fact that i have absolutely no social life whatsoever.

on the plus side, i think I'm improving on my shyness and confidence each day. but I'm still very insecure

how can a math/physics nerd like me get a better social life? should i even try or instead just focus purely on academics and grad school only? but i know this is college and I've got to make the best of what is remaining, right? its going to be all work afterwards

Look, making a few friends is not all that difficult. You seem to think you're a nerd, and in all honesty who really cares. Many people who are "nerdy" have a good social life. As you slowly meet people from class or whatever, see if they want to hang out. Study with people, you will have a chance to get some homework done while at the same time making some friends. If you are studying with people, it's fairly easy to start talking about stuff unrelated to school. Besides it's also easy to start hanging out with them, just say "Hey man, you want to take a break from studying and grab something to eat." Or, "What's going on this weekend? I'm looking for something to do." Before you know it you'll have a small group of friends to hang out with when you're not too busy studying.

Just for the record, you being into academics and science has nothing to do with it. In fact, most people I know have a very healthy social life, while simultaneously being very driven and focused on school (because like you, they all want to go to grad school). If it makes it easier for you, hang out with people who are into the same things you are.

 

[Astronuc]

I consider it geeky to have intellectual interests.

Hmmm. I have intellectual interests, and I don't consider myself geeky.

I never understood the point of joining academic clubs in college; who are you going to meet there other than the very same people you already know in your classes?

Meet upper classmen or graduate students. I was thinking more along the lines of technical or scientific societies, rather than clubs, as a way of networking. I belong to several technical/scientific societies, and started as a student. There are a number of programs for students, and scholarships as well. We sponsor students so they can attend national meetings and gain exposure to the current technological issues and research.

And technical societies sometimes do charitable work.

Student memberships are often at very reduced rates. Student chapters often bring in guest professionals who discuss their research and professional experience.

And in addition to the exposure to professionals, it looks good on a resume, especially if one is an officer in the local student chapter.

 

[chroot]

This is really great advice. I never understood the point of joining academic clubs in college; who are you going to meet there other than the very same people you already know in your classes? You don't need a club to meet those people, you're already all in classes together. If you don't like hanging out with them in class, why would spending more time with the same people do any good? Instead, join clubs where you meet DIFFERENT people with a wider variety of interests.

Well said, Moonbear. Also, when you join an academic club, you get judged on your words and your knowledge; if you're shy or aren't good at making conversation, you may fail to impress people. On the other hand, if you join Habitat for Humanity, all you need to do is show up every weekend and swing a hammer, and people will like you. You'll also get some exercise, learn a few practical things, and make a real difference in someone else's life. And yes, absolutely, you'll meet some of the coolest, most kind-hearted people at your school. Habitat for Humanity is also much more likely to be more gender- and major-balanced than any academic club.

And yes, bars are brutal social shark-tanks. Women go to bars expecting to get hit on by slobbering goons, and they're prepared to push guys away. You're fighting a pretty steep headwind. The best advice I can give for bars is this: don't ever do something (buying a drink, smiling, saying hello) because you're trying to get something in return (conversation, interest, flirting, etc.). It's incredibly obvious and turns women off. Instead, just be genuinely kind and generous, and don't worry about the responses. If a bartender is slow, buy the girl in line behind you a drink, smile, say cheers, and leave it at that. Walk back to your friends or your pool game or whatever. If she's already attracted to you, your genuine, laid-back generosity will just make her more attracted. If she's not attracted to you, a free drink won't do anything anything anyway. It's sort of like Pascal's wager...

- Warren

 

[chroot]

You can always find smart girls at a bar, you just have to know how to talk to them or they will tell you to get lost before your done saying your name.

The truth is that women, particularly in bars, have already made up their minds about you before you even open your mouth. If the girl is already attracted to you, your attitude, confidence, behavior, conversation, voice, and body language can all make her more attracted. If she's already decided she's not attracted, though, there's virtually nothing you can do to change her mind -- and if you try to change her mind, you'll probably just annoy her. You win some, you lose some; the trick is to know which are interested in pursuit.

- Warren

 

[Cyrus]

Not necessarily true. You can turn a girl on by saying the right things. I am not a stud, and I am not buff. But I can talk to to women. (Something most buff guys CANT do).

I dress trendy. Boarderline gay. Girls LOVE it. Women compliment me on the way I dress a lot. Its nothing to do about how I look either.

 

[Moonbear]

Not necessarily true. You can turn a girl on by saying the right things. I am not a stud, and I am not buff. But I can talk to to women. (Something most buff guys CANT do).

I dress trendy. Boarderline gay. Girls LOVE it. Women compliment me on the way I dress a lot. Its nothing to do about how I look either.

I think Chroot is right here. You give yourself the edge by dressing well, so women haven't dismissed you as a creep before you get to them. That, or they think you're gay based on your attire, so assume you're "safe."

As for Astronuc's comments on joining professional organizations and such, that's quite different from academic clubs in school (you don't need a club to meet upperclassmen, and I've never known any grad students to join undergrad clubs either), and the goal in any of those situations is more to make professional contacts and advance your career, not to engage in socializing and make friends.

 

[Huckleberry]

Well said, Moonbear. Also, when you join an academic club, you get judged on your words and your knowledge; if you're shy or aren't good at making conversation, you may fail to impress people. On the other hand, if you join Habitat for Humanity, all you need to do is show up every weekend and swing a hammer, and people will like you. You'll also get some exercise, learn a few practical things, and make a real difference in someone else's life. And yes, absolutely, you'll meet some of the coolest, most kind-hearted people at your school. Habitat for Humanity is also much more likely to be more gender- and major-balanced than any academic club.

And yes, bars are brutal social shark-tanks. Women go to bars expecting to get hit on by slobbering goons, and they're prepared to push guys away. You're fighting a pretty steep headwind. The best advice I can give for bars is this: don't ever do something (buying a drink, smiling, saying hello) because you're trying to get something in return (conversation, interest, flirting, etc.). It's incredibly obvious and turns women off. Instead, just be genuinely kind and generous, and don't worry about the responses. If a bartender is slow, buy the girl in line behind you a drink, smile, say cheers, and leave it at that. Walk back to your friends or your pool game or whatever. If she's already attracted to you, your genuine, laid-back generosity will just make her more attracted. If she's not attracted to you, a free drink won't do anything anything anyway. It's sort of like Pascal's wager...

- Warren

I agree with Moonbear and chroot. This is really great advice.

The biggest obstacle to social interaction is insecurity. It's hard to make friends if you never put yourself out there. Habitat for Humanity is a terrific idea! Or you could join a group that participates in some hobby you think you might enjoy, such as hiking, cycling or pottery. There are dozens of choices if you look for them, and they are a far more effective way of making friends than bars or parties, though that works for some people too. Go to places where you think there might be people you would like to meet.

Be aware when people talk to you. Sometimes people will engage you in conversation, small talk, and are essentially feeling you out. You don't have to be a great conversationalist, but you do have to be somewhat responsive. If someone asks you if they can borrow a pen then they probably just want a pen, but if they comment on the weather then they just want to talk to you. Be aware of the potential for dialogue, and don't pull your attention away from the conversation before you establish a connection. Before you know it you'll be hanging out at the pool hall throwing back some brewskis with your new friends.

 

[chroot]

Most schools also have "Venture Out" type programs that organize student hiking or skiing trips. These can be a great way to meet people without much "risk." You're stuck with them for a long weekend drive, giving you ample opportunity to get to know them and feel out any potential for friendship (or more), yet when you get back to campus you don't necessarily have to see any of them ever again.

- Warren

 

[Astronuc]

As for Astronuc's comments on joining professional organizations and such, that's quite different from academic clubs in school (you don't need a club to meet upperclassmen, and I've never known any grad students to join undergrad clubs either), and the goal in any of those situations is more to make professional contacts and advance your career, not to engage in socializing and make friends.

Yeah - I wasn't thinking so much of academic clubs, as much as student chapters of techical societies. I'm not sure I ever heard of academic clubs at the universities I attended.

I belonged to student chapters of technical societies. In the one for my major, we socialized as well as developed professional contacts and attended national meetings, and in some cases international conferences.

We'd do barbecues or pizza parties, and several professors would do keg parties. And we'd play soccer, football, baseball as well as dinners and other functions.

 

[Cyrus]

I think Chroot is right here. You give yourself the edge by dressing well, so women haven't dismissed you as a creep before you get to them. That, or they think you're gay based on your attire, so assume you're "safe."

One time there was a group of girls. My friend and I asked them to dance and they said, "No, its girls night out". So I told her, "its okay honey, I am gay!". They all started laughing and she said "No your not!" I am like what do you mean I am not!? She said, "Your not gay, your artsy. You must be an artist!". So I told her, "fine, Ill just have to paint a nude of you". She laughed, made a naughty face, and then we all danced. Its about being able to talk and say the right things. This is the wit you need in clubs. You can't hesistate with these come backs when a woman tests your wit.

Not to worry though proton, you have many great things on your side. You just have to learn how to use them, and evaluate yourself on how you dress and act around people and refine it. You need to find a style that fits you and work with it. Everyone has a different body type and look. Know which one works for you, and jazz it up.

 

[Moonbear]

Not really. I've been to a very metal punk bar/club, to a very very trendy lounge, to a local college bar. By far the WORST girls are at the college bars. They don't conversate, and are too immature.

Conversate? Anyway, yeah, college bars are amateur's night out. The worst boys are at those too...half the patrons are underage with fake IDs (or bouncers who look the other way) anyway. Educated people have a variety of tastes, so just because you've been to a range of bars doesn't mean you haven't been to ones that cater to educated crowds, especially when you live in a big city.

Women 25 and older are the best to talk to because they can hold a conversation. You can always find smart girls at a bar, you just have to know how to talk to them or they will tell you to get lost before your done saying your name.

That's just a maturity issue. Men 25 and older can hold a better conversation than younger ones too. And younger people who are more mature-minded will relate to them better too.

Around here, the larger bars are usually the college bars. I go more often to the smaller neighborhood/"dive" bars. Those are the sorts of places where you can quickly get to know the bartenders, owner and everyone in the place. In this town, it's a place where quite a mix of people hang out rather than just the underage students out to get trashed. You'll get grad students, faculty, maintenance staff, and of course, other people from the town not affiliated with the university, all interested in a place to just unwind after work and have a drink or two and converse with the other people there without having to shout over a loud crowd.

Anyway, moot point since I don't think proton is really ready for the bar scene either.

 

[turbo]

Volunteer with a local charitable organization. You will find yourself working alongside decent people in a non-threatening environment. You don't have to hit on the females there - just be friendly and work hard. Many women are born match-makers and if they like you but don't have a personal interest in you, they'll hook you up with one of their friends. Male friends will be easier to develop, too, since you won't be in what a lot of guys consider a competitive situation, like a bar or a party scene.

 

[Cyrus]

Its not moot though. Eventually he will make friends and he will find himself in a bar with them. So he's going to need to know this.

Also, how old do you look proton? If you look young. Try to look older and talk to older women.

I would recommend eventually going to a bar because if you can talk to a woman in a cut-throat environment, talking to a woman (or anyone for that matter) anywhere else is a breeze.

 

[Astronuc]

Its not moot though. Eventually he will make friends and he will find himself in a bar with them.

Possibly, but not necessarily. When my wife and I dated, we did not go to bars. In fact, I don't ever remember going to a bar with my wife.

In my early years of university, I'd go to the pub with friends to drink and socialize, but I wasn't going to pick up women. I knew plenty of women from class or other social functions, so I never went out to pick up women.

 

[gravenewworld]

I can't tell you how many new friends I have made once I start getting into a heated argument that 0.999...=1.

 

[Cyrus]

Possibly, but not necessarily.

Have faith in proton!

I don't go to pick up women. I just enjoy talking to them. (flirting is the most fun and interesting because you test each others wit).

 

[Astronuc]

I don't go to pick up women. I just enjoy talking to them. (flirting is the most fun).

Yeah, I enjoyed talking with the women and sharing their company. I never was into flirting with strange women, or those I knew.

 

[Moonbear]

I can't tell you how many new friends I have made once I start getting into a heated argument that 0.999...=1.

I'm glad you made that comment though. All the nice clothes in the world won't help if you open every conversation talking about a subject very few people understand. People are usually most comfortable finding common ground in topics like the weather, traffic, news, entertainment, etc. If you launch right into conversations about physics, or literature, or history, you're going to get a lot of strange looks and blank stares and people wandering away thinking you're a snob. Get your fix of that here, and talk like a normal person in the normal world (if people get to know you and ask more about what you study or what you do for a living, then you can talk more about that). Even those of us with an education like to unwind and spend some time kvetching about the idiot drivers or the lack of any decent candidates running for election.

 

[Yonoz]

I don't know if any advice is still needed, but here's my two cents for proton:
Just try and keep an open mind, try to avoid labeling yourself and others - whether that label be "cool hot girl" or "nerd". Feel free to show interest and be different - it sounds like you're at an age when "different" gets a positive connotation.
And time heals everything, so don't be afraid to get a few bumps on your ego. As an old comic sketch goes: "be a man - humiliate yourself!"

 

[Moonbear]

I don't go to pick up women. I just enjoy talking to them. (flirting is the most fun and interesting because you test each others wit).

Yes, flirting can be fun and everyone leaves feeling good, even if nothing more ever happens. I'm still waiting for the day when you meet "the one" though, and find yourself tongue-tied and speechless over her.

 

[proton]

Also, how old do you look proton? If you look young. Try to look older and talk to older women.

I would recommend eventually going to a bar because if you can talk to a woman in a cut-throat environment, talking to a woman (or anyone for that matter) anywhere else is a breeze.

i'm a little asian nerd, so people think I'm a freshman. i thought you said not to go to bars yet since i have no close friends and lack social skills

Volunteer with a local charitable organization. You will find yourself working alongside decent people in a non-threatening environment. You don't have to hit on the females there - just be friendly and work hard. Many women are born match-makers and if they like you but don't have a personal interest in you, they'll hook you up with one of their friends. Male friends will be easier to develop, too, since you won't be in what a lot of guys consider a competitive situation, like a bar or a party scene.

i just joined a volunteer group a couple weeks ago. i'll see within the next couple weeks if its a good fit or not

 

[Cyrus]

Lots of asian people are small and thin, yet still come across as very fashionable. What kind of 'look' do you normally have? What do you usually wear. What do you do with your hair, do you have a beard? All these things make a difference on how people perceive you. When you come off as a 'cool' looking person, people naturally start talking to you. Not the other way around. See if you know any asian guys that are the same height and build as you and see what looks good on them. It will probably work for you too and is a starting point on finding a style that works.

 

[proton]

i have a fairly conservative look - usually a hoodie and jeans. i don't look really fashionable, yet i don't look like a total geek/nerd

 

[Cyrus]

Ditch the hoodie. Find something better to wear. You look 'normal'. Look fashionable.

Examples: A sweater with t-shirt over top and jeans.

A sweater with collar shirt and tie underneath. (less tie if your lazy)

Sweater with vest over it.

If you wear glasses (which I do), find a pair that compliments your face.

 

[Astronuc]

My fashion was jeans and T-shirt.

i'm a little asian nerd, so people think I'm a freshman.

My daughter would go for that. So don't worry. My daughter also likes intelligent conversation.

 

[Moonbear]

i'm a little asian nerd, so people think I'm a freshman.

There's hope for you yet. The young female student who had been here for two weeks "shadowing" me describes herself as a "nerdy Asian" too, and she was anything but nerdy. She was so sure she was going to wait until after she graduated before she worried about dating because she was worried dating would distract her from her studies. I told her that was just plain silly, that any guy who was "right" for her and respected her would not interfere with her studies, but it's a lot harder to meet a guy after you're out of school than before. I got the impression from her that a lot of her friends view dating similarly. So, there may be a whole bunch of young Asian "nerdy" women around just waiting for someone to persuade them to have some fun with them.

If people think you look a lot younger than you are (aside from this being something you'll learn to appreciate when you're older), take Cyrus' advice about paying attention to what you wear. If you dress more "professionally," it'll help you look more like your age rather than like a young kid. It doesn't hurt to start building a professional wardrobe anyway, because some day you're going to graduate and get a real job, and you're going to need to dress professionally then anyway.

 

[Cyrus]

Replace hoddie with these possible looks

http://www.uncrate.com/men/images/adidas-pistol-pete-jacket.jpg

http://men.style.com/slideshows/mens/standalone/details/fashion/0507/khaki/00004f.jpg

http://www.pilotshopusa.com/images_products/1045.jpg


There are all kinds of looks out there. Magazines, and music bands are a good way find 'cool' looks.

Now, contrast that with hoodie.

Not so good, is it?

 

[proton]

So, there may be a whole bunch of young Asian "nerdy" women around just waiting for someone to persuade them to have some fun with them.

well i certainly have not met any asian nerdy girls who also want to have fun. the only asian girls I've met are either much more talkative or social than me, or even more shy/awkward than me, which i don't find attractive

 

[proton]

Not so good, is it?

well of course that doesn't look good, the guy wearing a bandana and hoodie with guns lol. the guys i say have personalities closest to me dress similar to how i currently dress, so i don't think my clothes are the problem