Why does my social life suck so much?

[pivoxa15]

6 pages+ in one day. That's crazy.

I'm like you Proton. However I reckon that one way to battle this problem is to really concentrate on your academics and aim for top. That way you might become more popular, boost your self-esteem and people will want to talk to you more. At least they might start asking you questions. Friends can be made that way. Someone like us will probably only have good friends that are also nerds.

 

[EnumaElish]

Just be with people as much as you can. Talking is good, but being around people is better than sitting by yourself, and it can be a start to something better. Set yourself somewhat challenging goals (for being social) and try to achieve at least two out of three. If you consistently achieve all your goals then they are not challenging enough.

 

[Cyrus]

I dunno. Some of the guys Cyrus posted look like douches to me. His little story about offering the paint the girl nude was a little douchebag, too, if you ask me. Although I suppose it's all in the delivery. If I told stories of my pick-up conquests on physicsforums I'm sure I'd sound like a douchebag too.

- Warren

Douche, at your service

As the saying goes, nice guys finish last. So thanks for the compliment!

Anyways, the point of what I said was to be witty, but FUNNY. I had a big grin on my face when I said it, and she opend up to me afterwards. I wasnt serious, it was simply the right thing to say at the time. The story simply illustrates the basics of bar conversation. I brought her guard down, it was sexual which conveyed my interest in her sexually, and it showed I was not afraid to say that to her. I didnt turn to the girl in line at the bar behind me and buy her a drink, that's a great way to waste your money.

PS, those guys don't look like douches, they look like adults. Thats what an adult wears, it odd that you would call them a douche simply because they know how to dress.

 

[Cyrus]

I know what you mean about people who wear Hollister. I just don't buy shirts with Hollister or any name plastered all over it.

That's why I really like Banana Republic. They don't have things plastered all over it saying it's from BR.

Yes, BR is GREAT. Listen hard everyone, BR is worth EVERY PENNY. The stuff lasts for years and looks great if you take care of it.

 

[p3t3r1]

Ah man. Glad to see I am not the only one in the same boat. You see, I am an asian guy too. I look very nerdy, probably ugly too (although I never overheard anyone calling me that, mainly cause I lived with my mom most of my life. I look like some monk if I am bald). I am only 18 and I already got white hairs. I wear very nerdy glasses. What's worse, my english is very accented. (Chinese accent, sucks. I have to speak slowly or no one understands. I been speak english every since I was 10 but little changed)

I wear whatever clean clothing I got. Usually T shirt or some baggy pants. I am not afraid of been nerdy. All the friends I made are because I am nerdy and work hard at things I do. I love helping people but my social life is horrible. I am in first year university. I don't live in dorm since I can't afford it. (Lol, I can't even afford my textbooks) I help people with online physics homework and stuff and a lot people know my name but few know face attached with that name. I don't think I am making any friends in helping people...

My friends only want help, none of them hangs out with my socially. (prolly because I embrass them too much) So it sucks. After a semester is finished, probably few remember me. I have diffculty speaking to people, especially strangers -girls.. so I never make any new friends. The friends I have right now are either by pure luck (they started talking to me) or high school mates.

I live by myself so I got to be very independent. I have to cook and take care of myself etc.. Life is pretty lonely sometimes. I spend a lot of my free time helping people with homework and stuff, hoping that I will make new friends or get a girlfriend. doesn't seem to work.

 

[Huckleberry]

6 pages+ in one day. That's crazy.

I'm like you Proton. However I reckon that one way to battle this problem is to really concentrate on your academics and aim for top. That way you might become more popular, boost your self-esteem and people will want to talk to you more. At least they might start asking you questions. Friends can be made that way. Someone like us will probably only have good friends that are also nerds.

Yes, people will start asking you questions, but their questions won't be directed at making friendship. If you are top of your class and someone asks you a question about class, it is most likely they just want their question answered correctly. This is a different intraction than someone that really wants to be your friend.

I don't see anything wrong about increasing self-esteem by performing well in one's studies, but I'm not sure how well that would translate into finding the courage to approach another person. Rather, I think focusing on studies would make one more confident in their studies, and focusing on social activities will make one more appreciated socially. I think the best way to overcome weaknesses in one area is to 'bite the bullet' and focus on the weak area. (not to the detriment of your studies) Being really good at physics isn't going to do much to make anyone a good friend to someone else.

The best way to make friends is to be friendly. Make a point to display the virtues that you would like to have in friends of your own. Be sensitive to the emotional state of people around you. If someone is having difficulty with a particular problem you can offer to help them before they ask. Taking the initiative removes the pressure from others to do so, and displays empathy. People are more inclined to be your friend if they feel you can sincerely appreciate them. This is one case where making people feel good is the right answer, just be sincere when you do it.

A simple smile can go a long way.

 

[Huckleberry]

Ah man. Glad to see I am not the only one in the same boat. You see, I am an asian guy too. I look very nerdy, probably ugly too (although I never overheard anyone calling me that, mainly cause I lived with my mom most of my life. I look like some monk if I am bald). I am only 18 and I already got white hairs. I wear very nerdy glasses. What's worse, my english is very accented. (Chinese accent, sucks. I have to speak slowly or no one understands. I been speak english every since I was 10 but little changed)

I wear whatever clean clothing I got. Usually T shirt or some baggy pants. I am not afraid of been nerdy. All the friends I made are because I am nerdy and work hard at things I do. I love helping people but my social life is horrible. I am in first year university. I don't live in dorm since I can't afford it. (Lol, I can't even afford my textbooks) I help people with online physics homework and stuff and a lot people know my name but few know face attached with that name. I don't think I am making any friends in helping people...

My friends only want help, none of them hangs out with my socially. (prolly because I embrass them too much) So it sucks. After a semester is finished, probably few remember me. I have diffculty speaking to people, especially strangers -girls.. so I never make any new friends. The friends I have right now are either by pure luck (they started talking to me) or high school mates.

I live by myself so I got to be very independent. I have to cook and take care of myself etc.. Life is pretty lonely sometimes. I spend a lot of my free time helping people with homework and stuff, hoping that I will make new friends or get a girlfriend. doesn't seem to work.

It sounds like people have a positive opinion of you. It may be that they just don't know how to approach you. If there is someone that you have helped with homework a few times try inviting them to your place, or some other setting outside of school, like a cafe or restaurant. If it helps to remove anxiety you can tell yourself that you are not going to treat them any differently than you would if you were in the study hall or library. The point is to feel comfortable with people in another setting.

Don't assume that people have specific opinions of you. Give them the benefit of the doubt. This is something I still find myself doing quite a bit. Yes, people do stereotype, but this is surprisingly easy to overcome if you give a person the opportunity to see you for who you are. You may consider yourself to be unnatractive in some way, but let others decide that for themselves. Don't let fear be the barrier that prevents success before you have even tried. Let people decide for themselves what they think of you. One positive gesture outweighs ten negative ones, and I think you might be surprised how people's opinions of you differ from your own.

Making friends aint about you. It's about making others feel appreciated. If they choose to reciprocate then you've found a friend.

 

[Moonbear]

The other thing is the taylor. You must beware of taylor's because not everything on a shirt can be made to fit you. If you're a small, and you buy a medium, it's not going to fit you. A taylor can not make a shirt one size smaller. A taylor can fix the arms, a little bit on the shoulders and the how the shirt snugs up to your body, but that's it. You can only get so much done. It's best to buy something as close you can to your body. If you can't get anywhere close, forget it. Also, avoid buying sizes one size bigger because it "will" shrink into your size. That's a load of ****. I buy the size that fits as close to perfect as I am in the store. I then wash my clothes the way it's suppose to be washed. Lots of my clothes don't even see the dryer.

I've met guys who simply have never been shown what a proper fitting shirt should look like on them, or who have lost or gained weight and it never occurred to them they should try a size up or down. That's half the problem. The seams at the shoulders should be AT the shoulders, not hanging down your arm. If it's a collared shirt, you should be able to button it up and not have it really loose or strangling you (so it'll look decent if you wear a tie with it). If you're buying dress shirts to wear with ties, go for the higher quality shirts that come with collar stays so the points of the collar don't keep curling up and looking unkempt...if you're dressing up that nicely, you want to look nice. If you don't know what a collar stay is, it's time to learn. Every guy should have a few well-fitting collared shirts in their wardrobe. If you really can't find any that fit reasonably well in the stores, it's worth considering having a few custom made...by the time you're done tailoring something that really badly fits from the store, you might as well pay for the custom-made shirt.

Another one is stay away from Wal-Mart and places that have cheap clothes. They're cheap because the material is cheap and the cut is ****. No taylor can fix that. I used buy cheap, but now I never ever buy cheap. I personally wear different styles to match the evening, the day, the season or mood or whatever. Places I go most often on Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister, Banana Republic and other places. Being a thin european body type, cheap stores don't have proper clothing for me because they're made for the general public which is overweight people (even the small size).

Hmm...I consider Abercrombie, Hollister, and Banana Republic to be overpriced cheap clothes. I've walked into those stores and walked right back out after checking out a few items on the racks, and deciding it looked like stuff I could buy in a thrift store. Banana Republic used to have good quality clothing ages ago...stuff that would last long past its style expiration date...but it's gone downhill quite a bit.

But, yeah, if you want to put a little effort into looking nice, spend a little extra on just a few quality clothes so they'll keep looking nice after the first wash. If you buy them cheap, aside from them probably not even fitting right the first time, they'll look like rags by the time you've washed them once, which will defeat the entire purpose.

And, yes, guys, please, if you want to go on dates, you need to have more than jeans and t-shirts in your wardrobe. Your clothing should fit the occasion! Jeans and t-shirts are fine for going to classes and sitting around the dorm room studying, but when it's time to go out on a date, dress in well-fitting trousers (with a belt!) and a nice shirt. Women do think about what they're going to wear on dates quite a lot, and will try very hard to look especially nice, and it's really depressing when you put all that effort into choosing just the right clothing and getting your hair right, etc., and the guy shows up at the door in jeans and a t-shirt and you immediately feel mismatched.

 

[Cyrus]

The problem is that BR switched from their stuff being made in Italy to Turkey.

And, yes, guys, please, if you want to go on dates, you need to have more than jeans and t-shirts in your wardrobe. Your clothing should fit the occasion! Jeans and t-shirts are fine for going to classes and sitting around the dorm room studying, but when it's time to go out on a date, dress in well-fitting trousers (with a belt!) and a nice shirt. Women do think about what they're going to wear on dates quite a lot, and will try very hard to look especially nice, and it's really depressing when you put all that effort into choosing just the right clothing and getting your hair right, etc., and the guy shows up at the door in jeans and a t-shirt and you immediately feel mismatched.

How can you say this and say those guys look like 'dorks'? Are you kidding me! Those guys look nothing like dorks in terms of what they are wearing.

 

[Astronuc]

How can you say this and say those guys look like 'dorks'? Are you kidding me! Those guys look nothing like dorks in terms of what they are wearing.

Because 'dorkish' is in the eye of the beholder.

 

[proton]

But that is a problem, because you shouldn't dress based only on your personality but on your body type. If you tend to look young and are wearing hoodies, which are a very young look (I think of those as something teenagers wear), then you're only going to reinforce that you're young. Instead, dress older (but still trendy...you don't want to suddenly look 40 either) just to look more your own age.

but dressing older but trendy is dressed based on personality, not body type, right? what do you mean by body type anyway? not wearing clothes that are too big or small? my clothes are already like that

 

[Cyrus]

No. Body type is based on your height weight, and facial features. Different people have different 'looks' that look good on them. Its not simply about being big or small.

 

[Moonbear]

How can you say this and say those guys look like 'dorks'? Are you kidding me! Those guys look nothing like dorks in terms of what they are wearing.

Oh, but they do. Those clothes don't suit them at all! Heck, that tan suit looks 20 years out of date...I think my stepbrother had something like that in high school. That photo with the group of guys in it looks like they all slept in those clothes. The one in the preppy sweater looks overstuffed.

but dressing older but trendy is dressed based on personality, not body type, right? what do you mean by body type anyway? not wearing clothes that are too big or small? my clothes are already like that

It's about blending both. Someone who is overweight is going to need to wear different styles than someone who is large and athletic, and those will be different from someone who is very slender and short. You want to wear clothes that emphasize your good features and downplay the bad. For example, a small guy would want to wear his shirts tucked into straight-leg trousers to emphasize his slenderness at the waist and look a bit taller, but perhaps a nice sports jacket to give the appearance of stronger shoulders. A big, football player type might want to skip the jacket to not look overly intimidating, and a more relaxed fit pants so his muscular thighs aren't bulging like the Incredible Hulk. A guy with some love handles or beer gut would lean toward a style of shirts that could be left untucked so you don't notice the gut so much. If you put a little guy in that style, even if it was fit right, he'd look like a little kid.

Hoodies are fine if you need to bundle up to walk across campus for classes, but if you're going out to meet people, you want to wear something that shows yourself off more.

 

[Cyrus]

Errr, walk into the mall today, or next week. Tan suits are definitely NOT out of style.

http://men.style.com/gq/fashion/landing?id=content_5587

-see slide 5/10

 

[Moonbear]

Errr, walk into the mall today, or next week. Tan suits are definitely NOT out of style.

http://men.style.com/gq/fashion/landing?id=content_5587

-see slide 5/10

I didn't say tan suits were out of style, I said THAT tan suit looked out of style. Then again, some of those in that slide show look like they should have been left out of style too (ugh...I can't believe I'm old enough to see bad styles recycled). Tight pants on suits do NOT look flattering on anyone, especially those chicken-legged guys they have modeling them!

 

[gravenewworld]

Dressing well is very important. Despite what people say, they do judge you on how you look. 95% of people aren't models, but if you dress well you can make your physical attributes look much better. Recently I have been wearing a lot of soccer jerseys out to the bars that I bought from all of the countries I have been to. You won't believe how much attention I get from just wearing them. Brazilian girls talk to me all the time ( I never knew there were so many studying here) whenever I wear a Flamengo jersey. Real Madrid and Portugal's national jersey also attract a lot of attention.

Portugal actually has a really nice national jersey
http://www.nike.com/index.jhtml?l=n...d-104725&re=US&co=US&la=EN&cp=USNT_KW_Froogle
http://www.worldsoccershop.com/shop-by-country-portugal-portugal-national-team-portugal-07-09-away-soccer-jersey.htmlSoccer jerseys are interesting, make it easy to start a conversation, are comfortable to wear, and really don't cost a lot compared to high end fashion stuff.
Basically to dress well in America means to dress like an everyday European would. Europe is always well ahead of the US in fashion, but always way behind the US in pop culture.

 

[rewebster]

but dressing older but trendy is dressed based on personality, not body type, right? what do you mean by body type anyway? not wearing clothes that are too big or small? my clothes are already like that

What are you really looking for?

Friends?

girlfriend?

social contacts?

sex?

I've read over most of the thread---dressing in 'acceptable' clothes for each area is one thing--buying trendy clothes if you're young, keep a super clean look, smile a lot, and go to places where women want those type of men if you want a girlfriend or sex can work--for just 'sex', if you present yourself as a good piece of meat--you'll find that. More often than not, though, just dressing in 'better' clothes that you're comfortable in, and being yourself works too-----a lot of it is how and what you want--that helps to know 'what' to go after. As you get older, you get to feel more comfortable usually in who you are. If you try to be someone you're not, everyone will see through that.

What I see, too, is that a lot of people don't mind hearing advice--but very few take it---usually because the advice doesn't fit exactly or closely enough to feel useful.

I know this one woman who is constantly slightly unhappy with how her life is going and talking about how 'things' just aren't 'right'--but at the same time, she doesn't do anything differently to make a change in her life. She thinks that she's made it so far the way she is, and even though she's not really happy, she's not not going to do much differently to see if it can bring something new and different into her life to maybe make her happier.

Just making a small change (knowingly) in some aspect of your attitude about what you're thinking about in that new direction can sometimes open new doors.

---

I've learned not to expect too much too quickly--if it happens, though, be ready for it.

 

[andrewj]

i am a junior and just transferred to my new school. i don't want to end up really awkward and lonely and have horrendous hygiene like a couple of my professors. I'm not THAT introverted, I've met plenty of people and made a few aquaintances but no real "friends", and small talk all right (i think). I've only been involved in a few conversations beyond small talk so far, and most of the time i had nothing to say due to my lack of knowledge. probably because i don't see movies, watch tv, listen to music, play video games all that much. the only i thing i really follow that people talk about is sports. but if i start focusing on those things, then my academics will slip, but i want to go to a good grad school in math or physics. i can't seem to turn my acquaintances into friends since they all have different class schedules and live in the dorms, and i dont. i spend most of the day alone, studying in the library or on the computer. but i guess this is all my fault since i never really tried to be social until recently

if that's not bad enough, I've NEVER been on a date! what i really fear is that even if a girl started seeing interest in me, she'll be freaked out by the fact that i have absolutely no social life whatsoever.

on the plus side, i think I'm improving on my shyness and confidence each day. but I'm still very insecure

how can a math/physics nerd like me get a better social life? should i even try or instead just focus purely on academics and grad school only? but i know this is college and I've got to make the best of what is remaining, right? its going to be all work afterwards

why don't you support manchester city and become that extra special person

 

[TomMac321]

man find 5 or 6 good frinds that's all you need then just have fun the rest follows popularity sucks in the long run i had it now look at me i can't spell fialing high school collages don't want me and all I am good at is phisiscs but my other grades are so bad that the good schools for phisiscs will not take me don't waste your time find your true frinds and you will be fine

 

[chroot]

Hmm.. lots of crazy ideas about fashion here.

1) The pictures Cyrus posted are of guys who absolutely do look like dorks. Sorry, it's true. The truth is that people on TV or on movie screens can get away with looks that, for some reason, command respect in that context. If they wore those same costumes down to the grocery store, they'd just get laughed at. This guy here, second from the right, is absolutely laughable dorky.

2) Banana Republic is the domain of blue striped button down shirts and orange sweaters. I used to shop there quite a bit, but I'm full up on blue striped button downs. I have a couple of nice sweaters from BR that I wear frequently during winter, though, so I can vouch for their quality.

3) A lot of adult women are actually pretty turned off by the whole metrosexual, near-queer kind of fashion that a lot of college kids seem to get into.

- Warren

 

[Huckleberry]

I think they look pretty dorky too, but I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy. How a person dresses is the very least of my concerns, though it does grab my attention when I see something out of the ordinary. Cyrus is right that this is more like the fashion that is found in Europe.

Anyway, I thought wearing pajamas, flip-flops and bed-head hair was the 'in' thing to do on college campuses these days. I was floored the first time I saw someone walking to class in their pajamas with a bookbag. I figured they either are very lazy or work very hard and have to cut corners in their schedule to find time to sleep.

 

[Moonbear]

I think they look pretty dorky too, but I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy.

They look worse than dorky. The one Chroot pointed out definitely looks dorky. C'mon, untucked plaid shirt buttoned up to the top button, unkempt hair and what sort of glasses are those? That looks like something my grandfather would have worn. The other guy in the middle has facial hair that was dorky when I was that age (though I liked it then because I was dorky too...I have photos of one of my friends with a beard and hair like that and just laughed at how dorky we looked back then...of course that's back when he still had hair). The one on the far right might have looked okay if he tucked in his shirt and combed his hair (notice the cowlick), and surely sideburns aren't still in style, are they? And the one on the far left looks like he just leapt out of the '60s or '70s. My father used to have that hairstyle, which I think is more from the '50s. Watch Three's Company, and you'll see the character jack wearing that sort of sweatsuit top...it looked dorky then, and still looks dorky now.

Anyway, I thought wearing pajamas, flip-flops and bed-head hair was the 'in' thing to do on college campuses these days. I was floored the first time I saw someone walking to class in their pajamas with a bookbag. I figured they either are very lazy or work very hard and have to cut corners in their schedule to find time to sleep.

Oh, good grief! Yes, they guys don't do that, but the female students show up in what I could only best describe as pajamas...those sweatpants with "PINK" written across the bums and flip flops. I'm SO glad I teach med students where we have professionalism codes they have to follow. How does anyone expect to be taken seriously when they show up with "PINK" on their butts? Save it for the slumber parties. If I can drag my butt to work dressed professionally and having to arrive BEFORE the students to class to get everything set up to teach, surely they can take 5 min to throw on actual clothes and comb their hair. Even when I was in college, there were always a few students who would just show up to class with a cap or hat on to cover up the fact that they hadn't washed or brushed their hair. Eeeewww, skeevy! If you want to stand out from the crowd, do it by looking good, not by looking like the biggest slob.

 

[Moonbear]

3) A lot of adult women are actually pretty turned off by the whole metrosexual, near-queer kind of fashion that a lot of college kids seem to get into.

I object to the term "queer" and haven't seen that many college kids getting into the metrosexual fashion trends (maybe that's more common in the more metropolitan areas). But, I know the look you mean, and it's not so much a turn off as it is that it's not a turn on. If a guy looks too "pretty" rather than masculine, women want to be his best friend and go shopping with him, not date him. But, the younger women seem to go for it, and since those guys are usually younger guys, that seems okay.

 

[Huckleberry]

I'm inept when it comes to fashion. I have no idea what is popular with the kids these days. It all seems pretty strange to me. Actually, it seemed strange to me even when I was in high school. That was also the time when the bus bully used to call me McFly (from the movie Back to the Future) because my hair was long and wild and liked to fly out the bus window as it drove down the street. The funny thing is that it didn't really bother me that he made fun of my hair, but I was upset that Marty McFly was the character played by Michael J. Fox and the character that he inteded to insult me with was Doc Brown, played by Christopher Lloyd. I mean, can't he even get the reference right? Geesh! I didn't bother correcting him. Yeah, when it comes to fashion I try to keep my opinions to myself. I shaved my head just this weekend. (a habit I stuck with from the military, not from being bullied)

I still find the whole pajama thing a little odd. I have to say though, I do find it pleasantly stimulating in a way that is unfortunately distracting to the classroom. Also, those girls were about 10 years younger than I was, so it was even more disconcerting to me that I felt that way. Hmm, maybe I should go back to school.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Cyrus is no douche - he's a doll! I love that he says outrageous things to girls. It's all in good fun and he's a riot.

I thought the outfits he picked out were cute, but what do I know. I'm sitting here in sweatpants with PINK stamped on the bootie.

 

[chroot]

I'm sitting here in sweatpants with PINK stamped on the bootie.

Are you... really? Be warned that Huckleberry may find that pleasantly stimulating...

- Warren

 

[Huckleberry]

Cyrus is no douche - he's a doll! I love that he says outrageous things to girls. It's all in good fun and he's a riot.

I thought the outfits he picked out were cute, but what do I know. I'm sitting here in sweatpants with PINK stamped on the bootie.

Prove it!

 

[Moonbear]

I still find the whole pajama thing a little odd. I have to say though, I do find it pleasantly stimulating in a way that is unfortunately distracting to the classroom. Also, those girls were about 10 years younger than I was, so it was even more disconcerting to me that I felt that way. Hmm, maybe I should go back to school.

One of the other women I've discussed this with and I both feel sorry for the guys in the classes with these young women. We figure they're probably horribly distracted and have to carry their notebooks in front of them when they stand up. I haven't asked any of the male faculty what their opinions of the students' attire is, mostly because I don't want to know.

Cyrus is no douche - he's a doll! I love that he says outrageous things to girls. It's all in good fun and he's a riot.

I thought the outfits he picked out were cute, but what do I know. I'm sitting here in sweatpants with PINK stamped on the bootie.

Thanks for making me feel old. But it's a Sunday and you're clearly not in class, so that's fine. Do you wear anything like that to class, or just for bumming around the house/looking cute for your guy?

 

[cemar.]

Hit up the campus bar have a few drinks and youll be surprised how easy meeting people comes.
Just be yourself that's actually what's going to make people want to be around you.
As for the hot girls ... come on. It's not a hot girl that is going to make you cooler, or happier. By the sounds of it, you don't think you fit into your definition of "cool." so why want to be around people who have nothing in common with you?? But honestly, join a club that interests you and youll meet people with your interests and youll think they are cool. In college popularity doesn't exist. Every one is cool for who they are. If you want to be around certain people just do it.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Thanks for making me feel old. But it's a Sunday and you're clearly not in class, so that's fine. Do you wear anything like that to class, or just for bumming around the house/looking cute for your guy?

I probably would wear them to class if I didn't have to go to work first. (Actually, I guess that depends on the class - in a 300-student lecture, probably, but not in one of my small seminar classes.) I have two warm-up sets from VS and they are so comfortable and they are in such pretty colors. One has a logo on the butt, but it is stamped pretty high up, and the jacket covers it. You should get some, MB! You'd look adorable in them.