Collection of Lame Jokes

[Jimmy Snyder]

Have you heard the idea that the entire universe is just a hashish-fueled dream of some super-being? It's called the "Big Bong theory."

I hadn't heard that, but I know the theory that says the universe began when some pimply kid blew into his lunch bag and popped it behind the head of that freckle-faced girl in pigtails. It's called the bag bang theory.

 

[nismaratwork]

I hadn't heard that, but I know the theory that says the universe began when some pimply kid blew into his lunch bag and popped it behind the head of that freckle-faced girl in pigtails. It's called the bag bang theory.

I thought that was the explantion for how Rossane and Arnold... you know... "coupled"?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian...

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod?? Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe! :grumpy:

Aha! You're the person responsible for the opening credits in Monty Python and the Holy Grail!

Who ez rezhpönsible for gïveeng thee møøse ah bäth?
Whö fëd tshe møøse?
Whoo, myh freündh, hoo petthed te møøse?
Whät ahboot tælleeng the møøse ah bedtyme störie? Hoo dæd thät?

 

[nismaratwork]

:rofl:

LAME guys... keep it LAME. You can't be funny in the LAME joke thread.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Whät ahboot tælleeng the møøse ah bedtyme störie? Hoo dæd thät?

Wöll eay dæd that... eay tœlled hīæs fävôrite – Luttel Rudd Røidæng Höööd...

Ænd nöw dhe dämmned thong wön’t wouke!? :grumpy:

[PLAIN]http://www.tdf.se/backaby/images/anders1.jpg [URL]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/ca/Moose-warning.svg/200px-Moose-warning.svg.png[/URL]

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared granting me 3 wishes. But whatever I wish for, my worst enemy will get double. So I wished for a billion dollars, I wished for a vacation home in Aruba, and I wished to be beaten half to death.

 

[nismaratwork]

I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared granting me 3 wishes. But whatever I wish for, my worst enemy will get double. So I wished for a billion dollars, I wished for a vacation home in Aruba, and I wished to be beaten half to death.

I like that one, but the version I heard ended with, "I wish I had one testicle".

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I like that one, but the version I heard ended with, "I wish I had one testicle".

I assume you mean lost one, not had one.

 

[nismaratwork]

I assume you mean lost one, not had one.

Ah, yes, quite right.

 

[IMP]

What does someone who just got kicked in the testicles and a land owner have in common?

They both have a couple acres...

 

[BobG]

Try 2578 x 3 and see what breaks out.

Enter this into your calculator:

7251*8

and turn it upside down.

This, too, shall pass the way of the slide rule. Even the cheap sub $20 calculators have symbolic notation nowadays.

[PLAIN]http://www.casio.com/resource/images/xlarge/fx-300es_xlarge.jpg

 

[dkotschessaa]

The other day I managed to backwards engineer one of those upside down dirty calculator jokes I remembered from my youth. I don't know if it's fully appropriate for this thread, so perhaps I shall just say it starts with "there was 1 girl". It's 1 16 69 X 3

The result describes the uh... alleged status of said female.

It was funny as hell when I was 12.

I shall now flee.

-Dave KA

 

[nismaratwork]

This, too, shall pass the way of the slide rule. Even the cheap sub $20 calculators have symbolic notation nowadays.

[PLAIN]http://www.casio.com/resource/images/xlarge/fx-300es_xlarge.jpg[/QUOTE]

I've never felt so old in my life.

 

[lisab]

I've never felt so old in my life.

Makes perfect sense. You haven't been this old before.

 

[nismaratwork]

Makes perfect sense. You haven't been this old before.

Now THAT belongs in lame jokes!... and only on PF... :rofl:

 

[BobG]

In a class I teach, I used to have the students calculate the speed of a satellite in a circular orbit with some absurd radius. When they'd start giving their answers, I'd just "I don't know, but if you turn your calculator upside down you'll get the name of the best instructor in the school house."

It was kind of depressing to buy new calculators for my classes. But, on the other hand, there's a way to use Newton's method on those calculators very quickly to convert mean anomaly into eccentric anomaly. Not bad for a calculator in the $15 to $20 range.

 

[nismaratwork]

In a class I teach, I used to have the students calculate the speed of a satellite in a circular orbit with some absurd radius. When they'd start giving their answers, I'd just "I don't know, but if you turn your calculator upside down you'll get the name of the best instructor in the school house."

It was kind of depressing to buy new calculators for my classes. But, on the other hand, there's a way to use Newton's method on those calculators very quickly to convert mean anomaly into eccentric anomaly. Not bad for a calculator in the $15 to $20 range.

Hmmm... I just think about the time we all spent programming graphing calculators, burning CDs... and now...

I just got a Kindle. I remember my old Commadore... floppy, Floppy Discs... DOS...

and I'm freaking 30! I'm too young to be so old!

 

[Lancelot59]

MILF = Man I Love Fishing

There is a picture to go with this, but I'm not sure it'd be acceptable here.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

LAME guys... keep it LAME. You can't be funny in the LAME joke thread.

>Ahem<
Any Joke particle can simultaneously occupy the quantum superposition of Funny and Lame, therefore it can have the quality of Funny, but the quality of Lame is all that influences its standing here.

I've never felt so old in my life.

I've never felt this old either...

Makes perfect sense. You haven't been this old before.

Booyah!

Now THAT belongs in lame jokes!... and only on PF... :rofl:

This Joke particle does satisfy the requirment of Lame. Though not affecting its status in this Lame Jokes Thread (a collection of Joke particles organized into a nucleus with smaller Joke particles orbiting it), it also has the quality of Funny.

I'm freaking 30! I'm too young to be so old!

I feel the same way... even though I'm slightly over half your age.

>oops<
>I've annoyed him<
>I run away as he unleashes his army of lightsaber tae-kwan-do-dos upon me<

 

[nismaratwork]

MILF = Man I Love Fishing

There is a picture to go with this, but I'm not sure it'd be acceptable here.

MILF:


Massive Interstellar Local Formation
More Ice Like FAST
My Id Loves Funk
Make Ideograms Look Fun
My Ideas Lack Flair

...

 

[nismaratwork]

>Ahem<
Any Joke particle can simultaneously occupy the quantum superposition of Funny and Lame, therefore it can have the quality of Funny, but the quality of Lame is all that influences its standing here.


I've never felt this old either...


Booyah!


This Joke particle does satisfy the requirment of Lame. Though not affecting its status in this Lame Jokes Thread (a collection of Joke particles organized into a nucleus with smaller Joke particles orbiting it), it also has the quality of Funny.


I feel the same way... even though I'm slightly over half your age.

>oops<
>I've annoyed him<
>I run away as he unleashes his army of lightsaber tae-kwan-do-dos upon me<

:rofl:

Hehhehehe... Good stuff!
edit: However... doesn't that only work for ensembles of joke particles?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

However... doesn't that only work for ensembles of joke particles?

You've got me stumped.
We'll need a trained quantum physicist to investigate the matter.

Ha! A pun!

 

[nismaratwork]

You've got me stumped.
We'll need a trained quantum physicist to investigate the matter.

Ha! A pun!

Nah, that won't work... You'll just have different Interpretations...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Meanwhile I am preparing my defenses against the lightsaber tae-kwan-do-do attack.
I have sent out my Concordeans to bomb them.

PS Did you get the pun?

 

[nismaratwork]

Meanwhile I am preparing my defenses against the lightsaber tae-kwan-do-do attack.
I have sent out my Concordeans to bomb them.

PS Did you get the pun?

Yes, and I appreciate the reference to the uber-birds.

Ahhh.. what did we do before photoshop?

...
...
...

That's it. Your "reason" for supersonic birds... kinetic bombardment. If they are originally "biomechanical", and engineered... they could have been weapons. Now... they just live...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

"This is Concordean 502, ready to drop payload."
"You have a go to drop the Tsar Bomba 4.0."
The massive bomb drops to the ground. It explodes in a 200 megaton fireball that engulfs the 55th TaeKwanDoDo Division. My bird zips away.
I put on sunglasses and say "Oooh! Shiny! F!r3w0rxx0rz!"

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Ahhh.. what did we do before photoshop?

Humanity told stories about tall beanstalks, giants, and The Time Machine by H. G. Wells.

 

[nismaratwork]

Humanity told stories about tall beanstalks, giants, and The Time Machine by H. G. Wells.

Hmmm... not too bad.

Still, I think the birds would be better if they ARE the projectiles. They circulate around your jetstream, and when need arises they go into a ballistic trajectory and the kinetic energy alone is the bomb.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Still, I think the birds would be better if they ARE the projectiles. They circulate around your jetstream, and when need arises they go into a ballistic trajectory and the kinetic energy alone is the bomb.

Are current supersonic aircraft good as kinetic weapons?

And to stay on-topic I should put a lame joke here...

Death by dihydrogen monoxide can be one of the worst ways to die.

 

[nismaratwork]

Are current supersonic aircraft good as kinetic weapons?

And to stay on-topic I should put a lame joke here...

Death by dihydrogen monoxide can be one of the worst ways to die.

Oooh... OUCH...

As to the aircraft... no, but then... this is a different planet, right? Maybe there's a reason to avoid nuclear weapons, or conventional explosives...

Still... if you look at 9.11... they do work as kinetic weapons, and that's not supersonic.


Back to jokes: "Cricket: "A game invented by religious fundamentalists to explain the idea of eternal hell to non-Chrisitan indigenous people of the former British Empire." (Joe O'Connor) " *from The Devil's Dictionary*

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A rare and confusing event for the locals, snow fell on San Francisco this week. Emergency rooms were deludged with cases of nasal-cavity frost bite.

 

[nismaratwork]

A rare and confusing event for the locals, snow fell on San Francisco this week. Emergency rooms were deludged with cases of nasal-cavity frost bite.

:rofl:

I'm laughing, but truly, my nose just got a bit stuffy thinking about it.

 

[Lancelot59]

A rare and confusing event for the locals, snow fell on San Francisco this week. Emergency rooms were deludged with cases of nasal-cavity frost bite.

I don't get it.

 

[nismaratwork]

I don't get it.

Think... rails.

 

[Lancelot59]

Think... rails.

I still don't get it.