Lame Jokes

Ivan Seeking

GeorginaS

Hee!

IMP

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile

Ivan Seeking

I get a kick out of some greeting cards. I recently gave one to a friend that has a closeup of an elephant's butt [tail down] as the front cover. Inside, the card reads: Nothing says Happy Birthday like a big-as* card!

BobG

Hmmm, that's not a joke. It's a dating tip!

I'm going to have to try that.

IMP

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick.

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, Darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Joe asks:

'Son... what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!...

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b!tch, I'm married!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirin s $..38

Saying the right thing, at the right time......priceless!!

Ivan Seeking

It looks like the American public gets the last laugh after all. While the guardians of the economy at the SEC were stuck looking at cheesy porn, we were actually getting screwed!
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/sec-pornog...ry?id=10452544

Ivan Seeking

That St. Peter, he can't remember a damned thing!

Borg

Or that something wasn't damned.

Ivan Seeking

There you go! He can't remember one undamned thing.

Ivan Seeking

Why do polar bears love igloos?

Borg

This PF thread - Hello!

HeLiXe

I know this is an old post, but lololz

Redbelly98

Good one, but nobody tells it as well as Gary Larson:

Ivan Seeking

That's where I got it.

lisab

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

HeLiXe

loloolololol