Advice on How to Make a Move with a Friend

[desibrij_1785]

Help me with this girl

I have this friend. I like her and she likes me, but since i am the guy i have to make a first move. I was at her apartment for 5 hours but couldn't do jack. I had so many chances but didn't know where to start. She kept on inviting me to her apartment after latenight for water or some soda but, i don't know how to start... if there are any pimps or playas please give mah dumb ass some advice...

 

[humanino]

kiss her. The is the only difficult step. The rest comes naturally.

 

[quasar987]

If you are really where you claim to be with her, i.e. if you're right about her feelings for you, then kissing her is pretty much all you have left to do.

Wait 'til you are both on a couch. Lean back. Be relaxed... Then with one of your streched out arms, casually stroke her hair and maybe casually comment on how they feel nice. If she is comfortable with that, despite how crazy this sounds, she is probably ready to be kissed! Look up to her eyes and down to her lips (she knows what that means). Again, if she doesn't become APPARENTLY nervous (she probably is but girls can hide it if needed and show it if needed.. that's one of the 1000 ways they communicate) or reluctant, then there is a near 100% chance she wants to be kissed.

At this point I would recommand leaning foward and slightly brushing your lips against hers and then LEAN BACK and just look at her (that is one funny moment)... but I'm afraid that because you've been so hesitant in the past, she will see this as yet another one of your wussy escape. So just kiss her and get the torture over with .

 

[Gokul43201]

I'm not a pimp or a playah, so if my words sound wacko, ignore them and use above proferred advice.

What should you do next ? Tell her how you feel about her. The rest will follow.

 

[humanino]

Gokul is so clever. You are totally right Gokul : it is easier and more natural to speak about your feelings first. I always try to kiss the girl first, so I often get slapped. Besides, if you really care about her, it is a very good idea to begin a relation based on "sharing the way you feel", not just "obey your animal instincts".

Great piece of advice Gokul, I'll try to follow it myself.

 

[quasar987]

I'm really not a follower of the "tell her how you feel" school of thoughts and for the following reason:

1) If a girl have you figured out completely, she will lose interest... FAST! (This "decline" of interest is true also when she has all the power in the relationship. Women try to get the power in a relationship but they also seek a men who will NOT LET HER TAKE IT. Profound.. ) Again, despite how crazy this sounds, I've heard of so many a priori GREAT relationships ending a month right after the guy has told her how he felt and BECAME HER DOG. You want to keep the suspence!

2) Women like when romantic things JUST HAPPEN by themselves (as opposed to "it's obvious that you have carefully planned them to happen"). Therefor, going from stroking her hair to maybe taking her hand to looking down to her lips WHILE talking normally without putting huge I'M MAKING THIS HUGE COMMITMENT AND LOVE DECLARATION pressure on the atmosphere will convey - alsmot- the same message but without the dark side of using words.

I have another one for you. A very smooth kiss-test that you can make anytime before stroking her hair: when the conversation goes a little dry, just pop-in with "Give me your hand." She does. You tell her that her big line crossing her palm is a river. She is on one side of the river and this thing that she wants is on the other side (you can put in whatever is relevant as "this thing that she wants "). Then you make her guess how she goes from one side to the other. She tries.. she gives silly suggestions and finally when she really gives up and ask you what the solution is, just reply with "I have no idea... I just wanted to hold you hand!" Ah! If she hits you on the shoulder of "insult" you (ex: you're mean!), then it's OOON!


It would be nice to have a lady's perspective here! How about the cute mentor girl I forgot her name. Btw, Isn't being a cute girl and liking math/phys breaking a physical law somehwere?

 

[Gokul43201]

I have another one for you. A very smooth kiss-test that you can make anytime before stroking her hair: when the conversation goes a little dry, just pop-in with "Give me your hand." She does. You tell her that her big line crossing her palm is a river. She is on one side of the river and this thing that she wants is on the other side (you can put in whatever is relevant as "this thing that she wants "). Then you make her guess how she goes from one side to the other. She tries.. she gives silly suggestions and finally when she really gives up and ask you what the solution is, just reply with "I have no idea... I just wanted to hold you hand!" Ah! If she hits you on the shoulder of "insult" you (ex: you're mean!), then it's OOON!

Smooth ! Now that's a playah for you ! No, seriously.

 

[motai]

I'm really not a follower of the "tell her how you feel" school of thoughts and for the following reason:

1) If a girl have you figured out completely, she will lose interest... FAST! (This "decline" of interest is true also when she has all the power in the relationship. Women try to get the power in a relationship but they also seek a men who will NOT LET HER TAKE IT. Profound.. ) Again, despite how crazy this sounds, I've heard of so many a priori GREAT relationships ending a month right after the guy has told her how he felt and BECAME HER DOG. You want to keep the suspence!

I tend to stay away from women like that, ones that easily lose interest. Id rather tell her how I feel about her than to be elusive all the time, because then I wouldn't be me, and I would be lying to myself the entire time.

Try to find someone who won't use you.

 

[Moonbear]

Aww, guys are so cute when they are shy about girls :shy:

If she's already inviting you up to her apartment for silly reasons like getting a soda, then she's already asked you out If she didn't want to spend time alone with you, she wouldn't have offered such invitations. At this point, she'll be very tolerant of any choice of next move, whether it be bluntly asking if she wants to go out on a date, or kissing her. Us women, once we really like a guy, just end up thinking it's cute when you bumble around a bit. The trouble is if the girl doesn't already like you, then you have to be careful what moves you make so you don't scare her away. If you're still uncertain what she wants, next time you're sitting next to her on the couch, let your hand brush against hers. If she doesn't immediately pull her hand away, try holding her hand. If she goes along with that, then you have your answer. It's a little less bold than going straight for the kiss, which could be embarrassing if she isn't ready for it.

You really could just ask, but until you've done this a few times, it's hard to know what words to say. Once you've accomplished hand-holding, it will be easier to ask her on a real date. Think about a place you'd like to take her ahead of time, then just go ahead and ask...would she like to go to ___ on whatever day, y'know, as a date?

 

[Gokul43201]

"...y'know, as a date"

 

[Monique]

I'm really not a follower of the "tell her how you feel" school of thoughts and for the following reason:

I think quasar made several good points: it is good to give a girl compliments, but don't immediately lay your heart out on the table. Don't pressure, seduce

 

[Jin314159]

Even though a girl may flirt with you, there is still a chance that they're only playing you as means of boosting their own ego. A lot of times, girls would flirt with a guy not because they're necessarily interested but because they want to see if they could "get this guy." And if they can, then they've won and they'll just move on. It's some kind of sick game for them. Yea, girls are such beeyatches. Just listen to the song "Femme Fatale" by Velvet Underground. It's all documented there...

Hopefully, this girl you're interested in doesn't fall into this category. But don't be surprised if she did.

Like my man Lil Steve always says: "Bros before Hos." Word.

 

[Evo]

I'd agree with all that quasar987 said. Sounds like he's a pro.

I also agree with Motai, if it's not something you're comfortable doing, best just to stay within your comfort zone. Girls like shy guys.

Either way, do something. She's made all the first moves, she'll feel like you aren't interested if you don't make a move soon.

 

[Dooga Blackrazor]

I think the world would be so much better if girls asked guys out more often. I'd try what these guys are saying to do. I would've said to be blunt and honest but I don't know anything about the dating world.

 

[Kalimaa23]

Btw, Isn't being a cute girl and liking math/phys breaking a physical law somehwere?

Hell no! Check the Freedom! thread that I started a month or so ago. Remember my friend Daphne, Jimmy p?

 

[Adam]

Give her a flower. A nice one, that is. Not the most convenient piece of floral roadkill. Don't say anything, just whip it out and hand it to her when you walk in the door. Much easier than saying stuff.

 

[jimmy p]

uh... How about... I dunno, when she goes to get you juice or something, strip naked and then when she comes back, if she screams, then she aint interested. Wait... that was "Friends".

 

[Gokul43201]

uh... How about... I dunno, when she goes to get you juice or something, strip naked and then when she comes back, if she screams, then she aint interested. Wait... that was "Friends".

Aha... modus tribiani !

 

[amwbonfire]

Awww... people asking for advice on girls makes me go all warm and fuzzy :shy:

Girls are lovely!

All I can say is be yourself. If any advice people give you seems a bit extreme or something you'd never be comfortable doing, then don't do it. Just act natural, don't think about these things too much, and it'll all happen.

 

[quasar987]

All I can say is be yourself. If any advice people give you seems a bit extreme or something you'd never be comfortable doing, then don't do it.

That's true though. The LAST thing you want to do is not be genuine! But you got to do SOMETHING as soon as possible.

 

[desibrij_1785]

Aww, guys are so cute when they are shy about girls :shy:

If she's already inviting you up to her apartment for silly reasons like getting a soda, then she's already asked you out If she didn't want to spend time alone with you, she wouldn't have offered such invitations. At this point, she'll be very tolerant of any choice of next move, whether it be bluntly asking if she wants to go out on a date, or kissing her. Us women, once we really like a guy, just end up thinking it's cute when you bumble around a bit. The trouble is if the girl doesn't already like you, then you have to be careful what moves you make so you don't scare her away. If you're still uncertain what she wants, next time you're sitting next to her on the couch, let your hand brush against hers. If she doesn't immediately pull her hand away, try holding her hand. If she goes along with that, then you have your answer. It's a little less bold than going straight for the kiss, which could be embarrassing if she isn't ready for it.

You really could just ask, but until you've done this a few times, it's hard to know what words to say. Once you've accomplished hand-holding, it will be easier to ask her on a real date. Think about a place you'd like to take her ahead of time, then just go ahead and ask...would she like to go to ___ on whatever day, y'know, as a date?

"If she's already inviting you up to her apartment for silly reasons like getting a soda, then she's already asked you out If she didn't want to spend time alone with you, she wouldn't have offered such invitations." MoonBear

I asked her out to go to club with me and she said she'd love to but when we got there and start dancing. She kept on looking somewhere else, but at me. And i know i am a good dancer she comented her self so it wasn't like i was embarrasing her. She just didn't look interested. But as we were getting out of the club and going back to our apartment we had this huge ass conversations.

 

[Gokul43201]

Maybe she prefers talking to clubbing...

 

[humanino]

Maybe she prefers talking to clubbing...

I know I far prefer talking with the person I love than clubbing ! Obviously. It looks like nothing has yet hapenned because both of you are "searching" for the other, that is the cutest moment in the relationship.

 

[Zeteg]

Even though a girl may flirt with you, there is still a chance that they're only playing you as means of boosting their own ego. A lot of times, girls would flirt with a guy not because they're necessarily interested but because they want to see if they could "get this guy." And if they can, then they've won and they'll just move on. It's some kind of sick game for them. Yea, girls are such beeyatches. Just listen to the song "Femme Fatale" by Velvet Underground. It's all documented there...

Hopefully, this girl you're interested in doesn't fall into this category. But don't be surprised if she did.

Like my man Lil Steve always says: "Bros before Hos." Word.

I agree with the first part of this. One of my friends KEEPS poking me, and is quite abusive. Example wise, she jumped on me the other day, and bit me. I can't complain though. Many times I find that girls will just flirt with friends. I guess any advice that you take would have to be taken from a generation standpoint. Through each generation, things change a lot. Sex used to be revered (as I've been told) as something people do while they're in love. However I know an ever increasing number of people who have sex when they get bored.

The same thing can be said about flirting, and other such things. The way people flirt, and show that they like you will be different depending on what time you live in. It seems to me, that if she's inviting you up to her place alone, she does in fact like you. I would have to suggest something comical, as a first move, because even if it doesn't work, you have something to fall back on.

For example, instead of going for the old yawn and arm behind their neck, you could go "Hey look! A shooting star" and point towards it, while your arm goes over her neck. Obviously, this is stupid because it's not very probabal that a shooting star would be inside. She'll probably end up laughing, and not caring about the arm. When your arm is on her, it'll be a lot easier to do other things =)

 

[Zeteg]

Okay, as contraversal as this may seem... I don't know how asking for relationship advice on this forum is. It's just that I find most females (around my age anyways) are more or less attracted to people whose intelligence doesn't fare too well with the rest of society. Just about everyone of my close friends, I've figured out about completely. I can almost predict their answers to questions, I can tell what they're thinking when they do/say something, and I can almost always find something that they're hiding.

I'm not sure if everyone does this, or if it's just me... but I find girls get a bit freaked when you can predict just about everything that should happen to them, with 'uncertainty' ;) Okay, screw my crappy sense of humor =\

 

[jimmy p]

Okay, as contraversal as this may seem... I don't know how asking for relationship advice on this forum is. It's just that I find most females (around my age anyways) are more or less attracted to people whose intelligence doesn't fare too well with the rest of society. Just about everyone of my close friends, I've figured out about completely. I can almost predict their answers to questions, I can tell what they're thinking when they do/say something, and I can almost always find something that they're hiding.

I'm not sure if everyone does this, or if it's just me... but I find girls get a bit freaked when you can predict just about everything that should happen to them, with 'uncertainty' ;) Okay, screw my crappy sense of humor =\

It happens here in England. A lot of the "girl-fodder" are people who are thicker than a whale omelette. With neanderthal sloping foreheads.

 

[desibrij_1785]

Okey everyone it is mah problem so stop commenting on each others advice and advice me on mah problems... thank you.

Most recent thing...

I asked her out to go to club with me and she said she'd love to but when we got there and start dancing. She kept on looking somewhere else, but at me. And i know i am a good dancer she comented her self so it wasn't like i was embarrasing her. She just didn't look interested. But as we were getting out of the club and going back to our apartment we had this huge ass conversations.

Then comes next day of hangover from clubbing since i drink and she doesn't i felt like **** the whole next day. After the whole day goes by she never calls me... and monday morning i give her a call to walk to class with her. And mah life is same... so much confusion and agitation... And yes i am 19 and i have dated before but this girl is just too much of a tease... and so complex.

 

[jimmy p]

Everyone's problems are shared. What is discussed can be used in everyone's lives but...

Did you walk to class with her monday? Was everything normal? It is kinda of a vicious circle, that club situation - what I mean is that she may have been interested if you had made a move, but cos she didnt look interested you didnt want to make a move. It sucks.

What were the conversations about? If they were general chat then i dunno, try steer the conversations onto you. Sometimes it backfires. Last night I was drunk with the girl I liked and I told her that I liked her and she said that she had never thought of me like that, cos I have always been, well, me. Some compliment huh?

 

[quasar987]

Last night I was drunk with the girl I liked and I told her that I liked her and she said that she had never thought of me like that, cos I have always been, well, me. Some compliment huh?

Minus 1 pt for the "tell her how you feel" theory! It's sad it turned out that way for you but at least you ripped the bandaid right off while desibrij_1785 is precauciously getting as much pain from it as he can.

desibrij_1785, I don't know all the facts but I'd say she was attracted to you at first but you blew it by doing...nothing, ironically. For any hope of getting her attention back, forget about her romantically, treat her like an old guy friend (minus the farts), date/hang out/flirt with other girls and let her know casually (of course) that you are.

 

[quasar987]

I think the world would be so much better if girls asked guys out more often.

I've been pondering on the reasons why girls usually don't approach guys first. Here's what I think: when a man sees a beautiful woman, he knows he wants her because she's hot. In other words, for guys, its a female's body that's the main cause of attraction. On the other hand, it's a man's personality that's the main attraction factor for women. So just by looking at a guy, unless he's Stanley Kowalski-sexy, they don't feel a strong attraction. Now these are the biological reasons and based only on looks. Add to that the social reason, i.e. the fact that it's socially expected of men to approach girls and not the other way around.

Girls, is this accurate reasoning? Do you sometimes feel like approaching a guy but don't do it because of your social programming and just sit there desperately hoping he'll make a move?

 

[humanino]

It makes very much sens to guys at least

 

[Zeteg]

I've been pondering on the reasons why girls usually don't approach guys first. Here's what I think: when a man sees a beautiful woman, he knows he wants her because she's hot. In other words, for guys, its a female's body that's the main cause of attraction. On the other hand, it's a man's personality that's the main attraction factor for women. So just by looking at a guy, unless he's Stanley Kowalski-sexy, they don't feel a strong attraction. Now these are the biological reasons and based only on looks. Add to that the social reason, i.e. the fact that it's socially expected of men to approach girls and not the other way around.

Girls, is this accurate reasoning? Do you sometimes feel like approaching a guy but don't do it because of your social programming and just sit there desperately hoping he'll make a move?

I don't believe that's the reason at all. It still stands that our society is patriarchial (If I spelt it right). With this, comes the fact that the males are more dominant, to speak. However hard we try and erase this subject, in the end, it comes out in some way. This, is one of those ways. Because males are the sexual dominance, they must initiate the move. In a subconscious way of speaking, the females don't posses the 'dominance' to initiate the first move. This isn't true always, however. I'm not sexist, I'm just offering my suggestion of why things might be the way they are.

 

[Evo]

Women still feel it is the man's place to initiate things, but often the woman gives the man the signals that she wants him to initiate something.

I see more and more women starting to make the first move since men don't always pick up on the signals we send.

When I go out, if I want to let a man know I am interested, I smile at him then look away, them look back and smile again. This never fails. Sometimes it works too well and I have had more than one guy think I was smiling at them and had both rush over to me at the same time.

 

[Zeteg]

Lol...

You're talking about bar-type situations however, right Evo? I mean, you can't possibly expect a guy to acknowledge that you like them by smiling, if you've known them.

I think it's great females are starting to initiate things, 'cause I don't believe it's that we don't catch on to the signals, but rather we're afraid of the outcomes, and possibilities.

 

[Moonbear]

Most recent thing...

I asked her out to go to club with me and she said she'd love to but when we got there and start dancing. She kept on looking somewhere else, but at me. And i know i am a good dancer she comented her self so it wasn't like i was embarrasing her. She just didn't look interested. But as we were getting out of the club and going back to our apartment we had this huge ass conversations.

Then comes next day of hangover from clubbing since i drink and she doesn't i felt like **** the whole next day. After the whole day goes by she never calls me... and monday morning i give her a call to walk to class with her. And mah life is same... so much confusion and agitation... And yes i am 19 and i have dated before but this girl is just too much of a tease... and so complex.

Okay, here's the post-game analysis:
1) clubs are LOUD, impossible to have a conversation
2) she's still as shy about you as you are about her, so it got awkward to look right at you (she wasn't smiling at other men, was she? That would be a whole different problem...better check the instant replay.)
3) you were drinking enough to get hungover and she wasn't...which means you might have been acting a bit stupid, worse, nervous and stupid. Big turn-off.
4) you were supposed to call her the next day! She was probably thinking you gave her the brush-off. We women don't call men, men call us, and we sit by the phone all day waiting, and then you don't call, and we don't know why, and we think you must hate us now, and and and...
5) she still walked with you to class the next day, so she'll still talk to you and isn't completely scared off...there's still hope yet!

Okay, now it's time to romance her socks off so she doesn't stand a chance of resisting, and so it's totally clear your intentions...

The next invitation is to a quiet restaurant where you can talk. Pick something you can afford, but not fast-food...make sure the place has tablecloths at least, or has some other nice atmosphere (candles on the table, dim lighting, that sort of thing). Now, does she have a favorite color? If you're not sure, see if you can find a girlfriend of hers who will give you the inside scoop! When you pick her up, bring her one rose in that color (you can get white roses dyed pretty much any color you want). If you're totally in doubt about this, then get a white or pink rose...red is for after you both fall madly in love with one another. Remember to plan enough advance time before you're supposed to be at the restaurant to have her hunt around for a vase or glass of water or something to put the rose in...she won't want to carry it all night and she'll get mad if you try rushing her before she can put it into water. If she just tosses the rose onto the nearest table or chair, you may have a problem.

When you go out to the car, hold her door for her and the door at the restaurant. Hold her chair. Do all those gentlemanly things you never do otherwise. If she says something like, "you don't have to do that." Just answer simply, "I want to."

At this point, she'll be melting like butter. Be forewarned, though, you may be on the hook for keeping up this sort of behavior once she gets a taste of it. Nonetheless, no woman can resist the romantic gentleman!

Oh, and at the end of the night, don't forget to KISS HER! Ask politely, "May I have a kiss goodnight?" Take note of the signals here. This is the real test. If she agrees (may be just a tiny nod), just go for a light kiss on the lips, but if she turns her head to the side, don't force it, just a peck on the cheek will do (it's not a good sign if she turns her head to the side...if that happens, you then have permission to go out drinking with your buddies for the rest of the night). And, CALL HER the next day. Even if it seems it might not have gone well, just give it that one last chance. If all the signs were there of a good date, tell her how much you enjoyed the evening with her, and that you'd like to do it again sometime. See if she agrees to that statement or even suggests a day or place.

You can then let nature take its course from there.

Good luck!

 

[Jin314159]

I've been pondering on the reasons why girls usually don't approach guys first. Here's what I think: when a man sees a beautiful woman, he knows he wants her because she's hot. In other words, for guys, its a female's body that's the main cause of attraction. On the other hand, it's a man's personality that's the main attraction factor for women. So just by looking at a guy, unless he's Stanley Kowalski-sexy, they don't feel a strong attraction. Now these are the biological reasons and based only on looks. Add to that the social reason, i.e. the fact that it's socially expected of men to approach girls and not the other way around.

Girls, is this accurate reasoning? Do you sometimes feel like approaching a guy but don't do it because of your social programming and just sit there desperately hoping he'll make a move?

I disagree. Girls are just as if not more shallow than guys.

 

[quasar987]

I disagree. Girls are just as if not more shallow than guys.

I checked dictionary.com but none of their definition seem to match your use of the word shallow. Except maybe this one

1. Measuring little from bottom to top or surface; lacking physical depth.

Anyway, what do you mean? That they are as interested in looks as guys are?


Btw Zeteg, your dominance theory is interesting. There is certainly some truth to it.


Moonbear, have you lived that scenario yet or has it been marinating in your head since you were 6 years old?

 

[Moonbear]

Moonbear, have you lived that scenario yet or has it been marinating in your head since you were 6 years old?

LOL! [Nostalgic mood]Oh, I've lived it, except it was 3 white roses, one for each day he'd known me before our first date, and white because that was the color dress I was wearing the first time he saw me. I think I fell in love instantly. He's my great one that got away.[/nostalgic mood]

But, I agree with you to some extent qasar. I can't speak for all women, but at least for me, I don't notice men for their looks, I get hooked on how they act and what they say, so if they don't sit down next to me and start talking, I don't know if they have any brain in that head of theirs.

I've learned that as much as men say they wish women would ask them out more to take off the pressure, when women do ask men out, it seems to bruise their male egos. So, instead we all but club you over the head with hints that we want you to ask us out.

On the other hand, good relationships sometimes just happen. Neither person does the asking, you just sense that there's an attraction pulling you together and somehow just wind up dating and nobody remembers how it started.

 

[Moonbear]

Sometimes it backfires. Last night I was drunk with the girl I liked and I told her that I liked her and she said that she had never thought of me like that, cos I have always been, well, me. Some compliment huh?

Sorry to hear that jimmy. I don't want to hold out false hope, but maybe it will put the bug in her head to get her thinking of you as the "liking" sort. Then again, I can sympathize with that one. I used to have a great knack for being the "little sister" or "one of the guys." The most crushing moment was way back in high school. I had this HUGE crush on one of my guy friends. So, one day he sort of pulls me out of the crowd in the hallway and wants to ask me something, and I thought he was about to ask me out, and instead, he winds up telling me, "I really like W and want to ask her out, what do you think I should say?" Well, I paraphrased a bit, but you get the point. He never saw me as anything more than a sister. I eventually got over it.

 

[jimmy p]

Sorry to hear that jimmy. I don't want to hold out false hope, but maybe it will put the bug in her head to get her thinking of you as the "liking" sort. Then again, I can sympathize with that one. I used to have a great knack for being the "little sister" or "one of the guys." The most crushing moment was way back in high school. I had this HUGE crush on one of my guy friends. So, one day he sort of pulls me out of the crowd in the hallway and wants to ask me something, and I thought he was about to ask me out, and instead, he winds up telling me, "I really like W and want to ask her out, what do you think I should say?" Well, I paraphrased a bit, but you get the point. He never saw me as anything more than a sister. I eventually got over it.

Lol. That is the story of my love life. :laughing:

 

[desibrij_1785]

Thanks moonbear... your advice worked... i did exactly what u said... i even got the goodnight kiss... if you have any further advice... let me know

 

[desibrij_1785]

This chat session was very helpful and fun... All you people who tried to help me thank u very much. If you ever need **** email me at bpatel48@uiuc.edu

 

[Moonbear]

Thanks moonbear... your advice worked... i did exactly what u said... i even got the goodnight kiss... if you have any further advice... let me know

Woo hoo! See, us women can never resist that sort of date So glad to hear it went well!

Can I get a medal for relationship expert too? I'm really good at helping other people out, just can't get my own right

 

[Zeteg]

Hmm, I actually need a bit of help, pertaining to girls at the current moment. It's not that I want her, but rather make sure that she's okay. What happened was that she used to go out with a guy 3 years older than her, and she's 15 right now. Anyway, the guy is a moron who can't put together a proper sentence, much less pass school. He got her to steal a few times, drink and smoke like crazy. She broke up with him 'cause he moved with his family, but he just moved back. One of the people she trusts the most is the best friend of her ex. He's not exactly the best influence either.

I only met her about a month ago, so she doesn't exactly trust me opinions and advice too much.

My question is... what would be the best way to destroy her trust in her friend, and make her hate her ex? I realize that I should interfere with people's lives, but I guess some people need to be turned into the proper direction, before they can make their own choices to a full extent. Any help please? =)

 

[amwbonfire]

My question is... what would be the best way to destroy her trust in her friend, and make her hate her ex? I realize that I should interfere with people's lives, but I guess some people need to be turned into the proper direction, before they can make their own choices to a full extent. Any help please? =)

I don't think you should interfere. If you try, she'll end up hating you, and that will only make her trust her ex and friend even more.

Hopefully she'll work it out on her own.

 

[Moonbear]

Zeteg, amwbonfire is, unfortunately, right. Interferring in that way will only make her resent you for trying to break them up. She's either going to have to come around on her own or learn the hard way what she's gotten herself into with that guy. The best thing you can do is to just be there. When someone is that bad of an influence, often the person dating them starts to get isolated because their other friends just won't hang out with them anymore with that less than desirable company. The more isolated they get, the harder for them to get out. So, just be there if she needs someone to talk to. Let her confide in you, even if it's hard to listen to. As she gets more comfortable telling you stuff, you can then start to drop small comments that it doesn't sound like a good situation, you're worried about her with all the smoking, isn't she worried she'll get caught stealing and wind up in jail? Never say anything about the guy convincing her to do this, she needs to decide to get rid of him herself. And don't barrage her with all those comments at once, just one here and there in conversation. You don't want her to get defensive, just let them slowly sink in. Then offer that you're there for her. You can back it up with something concrete, like if she wants to quit smoking, you'll help her get through the withdrawal part, you don't mind if she gets irritable, she can vent on you, or you'll take her out to get lots of gum to chew or whatever will help. This way, she'll learn she can trust you to help her out on things that are more minor, and hopefully will feel comfortable talking to you when she outgrows the boyfriend. But, if this is just the direction she wants her life to go, you may not be able to do anything for her. It's tough to watch.

 

[Zeteg]

It's just so hard to let go, and let them make their decisions... I've known two others that have ended up depressed and near suicidal, and this incident is almost an exact reincarnation of previous ones.

Oh, and when I said smoke, I didn't really mean cigs. She used to smoke marijuana when she was with him. After they broke up, she stopped apparently. I'm afraid she'll go back in, if they get back together.

I can't put to words... how I'm feeling at the moment. It's like I'm at the brink of sanity... just at that point where you're holding yourself back from snapping.

If you really think that just being there will help... then I guess that's what I'll do. I haven't thought of anything better to do, that won't make her hate me. It's pretty silly how people can make such bad decisions and not realize it... How close would you suggest I stay?

 

[Moonbear]

Does she also know the two people who wound up near suicidal? If so, maybe that could help this situation. You could talk to her about them, maybe help her see she's headed down the same path.

Do her parents know about this boyfriend and what she does with him? Do they care? They might be better able to intervene if they are informed what's going on. Or maybe you could talk to a school counselor and get advice of how to help her and encourage her to help herself? I'm much better at the matchmaking stuff than with the teenagers being influenced by the wrong crowd.

One thing that might be worth asking is what does she see in him? Maybe start out with something like she is such a pretty and smart girl, that you wonder why she dates someone who does drugs and asks her to steal. Don't harp on it, just ask somewhat offhandedly. Then just sit quietly and see if she gives you an answer. Who knows, maybe this guy has some redeeming qualities you don't see, or maybe there's something else going on in her life that draws her to this guy, or maybe she'll just say she doesn't know. Just give her honest compliments when you can. She may have a self-esteem problem and just needs to hear good things from someone else to help her see her value.

And, honestly, it might be good if you go talk to someone too...not just us, but a counselor or psychologist. You clearly care about her and you've seen people get really badly hurt before, so this has got to be taking a toll on you too..it sure sounds like it from what you've posted here. And if you wind up being her sole source of positive emotional support, it will be important for you to have someone to talk to so it doesn't drag you down with her. And they may help you find some good strategies for helping her too.

 

[quasar987]

My question is... what would be the best way to destroy her trust in her friend, and make her hate her ex?

Try to become even more or an abusive badboy jerk as her ex is!

 

[Tom McCurdy]

for starters calm down-- ie don't come to pf and ask for advice from string theorists and microbiologists on dating-- there may be better resources then again many of us have been in the same situation. Calm down-- relax don't make a big deal out of it or it will only become harder and harder to do...

if you want to start to "make your move"

here are some easy ways to start off small
just hold her hand and start to rub it a little
use your finger and move it back and forth

this flirting usually makes it obvious what is going on without risking for the kiss if it feels to acward

just slowly progress it will become natural-- if she starts to massage ur hand back ur good to go

carefull though this tactic has had people going to far to quickly