bhobba said:
We then see this field classically, in the non relativistic limit, is exactly the same as Newtonian gravity. Another interesting property is particles move as if space-time had an infinitesimal curvature
And isn't this the rub? You make the nice point that under some circumstances, a spin-2 quantum field can cause particle motions that could be mistaken as being due to an infinitesmal curvature of spacetime. But of course we can turn that around, and say that under some circumstances, an infinitesmal curvature of spacetime could be mistaken as being due to a spin-2 quantum field. It seems to me the OPer is basically asking, how do we know that we need to unify the extrapolations of those conditions just because they are unified at the scales you describe? Perhaps they are just different, and the fact that they can be made to look similar on some scale is not surprising. (Note I do not mean that we don't need a theory that can allow for us to include both at the same time, I mean the theory that does that might not treat gravity as a quantum field.)
Another way to frame the question, it seems to me, is which should we regard as more fundamental-- the field or the geometry it lives on? If we think everything has to be quantum fields, then when we see a geometrical effect mimic a quantum field effect on some scale, and our current way to extrapolate those effects is by manipulating the geometry, we ask if there is not some way to get the same result with a field theory that does not need to manipulate the geometry. But, if we think geometry is just as fundamental as quantum fields, then we are not bothered that we need both fields and geometry to be able to extrapolate to other scales, we are always expecting to need to be able to do both. That the infinitesmal curvatures can be treated as quantum fields might just be due to the flexibility of quantum fields, and not necessarily an indication that it's all about quantum fields.
I am not knowledgeable in quantum field theories, but I do see some justification for taking a two-stroke approach to GR and QM, which comes from Newton's first two laws. It is sometimes claimed that the first law is covered by the second, in that, if there is zero force, there is zero acceleration. But it seems to me the first law is not so much the statement that you will have zero acceleration, it is the decription of what zero acceleration is in the first place. Newton agreed with Galileo that zero acceleration is something we can know when we see it, it is motion at a constant speed in a straight line through a pre-ordained geometry. Einstein's GR holds that we need a dynamical theory just to even know what zero acceleration is, and a second dynamical theory to know what accelerations we will get when it is not zero. There's a certain sense to that system, because even though of course physics always tries to unify wherever it can, there might be a philosophical justification for expecting that the processes responsible for determining the meaning of acceleration might be different from the processes that determine what the acceleration is.