Breaking Up or Staying Together: What Should You Do?

[nucleargirl]

is it a good enough reason to break up a relationship because you don't find the other person good-looking 100% of the time and find them annoying sometimes?
sometimes the relationship is 100% perfect (20-30% of the time). but...
sometimes:
you find the other person annoying (10% of the time)
you don't like the way the other person looks and have doubts about having kids with them (5% of the time)
you don't find them physically attractive... so that you don't want to do anything (5% of the time)
But the other person is a really great person - you respect them and trust them (99% of the time)
but they have some habits you dislike - you percieve them as controlling and patronising (3% of the time)
but you think they can change... and would possibly wait a year or two... but you have already waited 2 years and things have not gotten better.

you want them in your life no matter what. but you know if you broke up you would eventually lose them to their eventual new partner.
But you don't want to marry them right now or in next 2 years (90% of the time). you're not sure about moving in with them partly because it would make it harder to break up (50% moving in, 20% breaking up harder)

you THINK you should break up because its not fair on them to be with you as you're not 100% in love with them. But you FEEL sad when you think about it and you don't want to be without them.

what to do?

 

[Jack21222]

I don't understand your percentages.

Have you talked to this person about the things you do not like? Or did you stay silent for the past 2 years hoping your partner would correct their mistakes without knowing what the mistakes are?

(If this is a hypothetical situation, replace "you" with a general pronoun)

 

[nucleargirl]

some things were talked about, although they were willing to change, it did not make the relationship better significantly. Other things were not brought up to not hurt their feelings... appearances can't really be changed, and you can't really change someone...

they didnt really make any mistakes - they didn't do anything wrong, its just the way they are... I guess with persistent correcting some behaviours could have changed, but... why do that if you're not 100% sure about the relationship.

 

[nucleargirl]

The percentages are a rough estimate of how often the feelings were felt e.g. half of the time of being together = 50%, all the time = 100%

 

[lisab]

some things were talked about, although they were willing to change, it did not make the relationship better significantly. Other things were not brought up to not hurt their feelings... appearances can't really be changed, and you can't really change someone...

they didnt really make any mistakes - they didn't do anything wrong, its just the way they are... I guess with persistent correcting some behaviours could have changed, but... why do that if you're not 100% sure about the relationship.

But what you're calling "persistent correcting" is actually nagging, and that's cancer to a relationship. Don't count on it working.

 

[FrancisZ]

When you love some one--really, truly feel it for them--I think that they just sort of naturally become more appealing to you; and in the physical sense as well. You might eventually even start to find their so-called physical imperfections endearing.

That having been said: a condescending attitude would have been the deal breaker for me to begin with. Maybe other people can tolerate that better, but I find it loathsome. After all, it's their personality that you shall have to live with for 40-50 years or so. I'd rather have someone that teaches me to better, rather than merely puts me down.

I don't know that you can really change people though. That has to come from within themselves. They might even come to resent you for wanting to change them.

Personally, I would never ask anyone I was involved with, to do anything that I wasn't willing to do alongside them also (like starting an exercise regiment, or diet plan).

Sometimes, you can: maybe not really change a person per se; so much as you can MOLD them into something better. The difference there, of course, is that they have to be fairly yielding to begin with.

If it's personal grooming that's an issue (silly as this may sound): perhaps they are disheveled or helpless looking, in some manner or other, because they are subconsciously wanting someone else to take care of them. I think a lot of men are like that.

I've had a lot of friends (guys), for example, that simply don't know how to cook; and they never seem to learn either, while living alone. Statistically speaking: men that do not get married tend to have a shorter life span. And, interesting fact also: women that have never had children tend to have greater longevity.

One cannot help but wonder. Heterosexual men, it seems, really do need women to feel purposeful and fulfilled in life. Otherwise, without settling down with a partner, they can get into trouble--and cause other people trouble as well--while living a hard life, drinking hard, and maybe getting into brawls; or landing in jail even. Men don't really seem to have a purpose without women around. Maybe they just never realize what their purpose is, without a partner to help them discover it. A career only goes so far maybe.

But I digress. To be totally inept in the kitchen however, isn't even just simply being a macho jerk either, I think (although that is a common occurrence). But rather: I think a lot of hetero-men don't cook, because in their heart they really want a woman--really ANY woman--to give them some form of affection (and that is certainly a sign of affection, to some at least). They want to feel cared for by someone. In an odd sort of way, it's almost an invitation (being a moron); like: "Save me, feed me; I need you!".

And if a woman finally does come along, and does take it upon herself to feed such a fellow (sort of like a house pet) they are very appreciative indeed (unless they're a real bastard ).

Anyway, perhaps your friend just needs someone to brush his hair once in a while; and if you did that, maybe it would make you both happy. And he of course ought to return the favor.

I've always thought it would be fun--funny at least, if nothing else; and for both of us even--to try to brush my girlfriend's teeth. That's the sort of thing you'd never expect of anyone else. But if someone else did that for you (short of a professional dentist), you might get the feeling of an authentic closeness between the two of you.

I love to see old married couples that visibly adjust one another in public. It's that sort of thing, after all, that usually maintains a loving relationship.

 

[rootX]

OP, you are describing personal problems, and you are the cause. Judge your opinions than judging other people behavior/appearances.

 

[nucleargirl]

awww. Thanks Francis, that's sweet!

 

[anubis01]

@nucleargirl
You seem to have an issue with his physical appearance, did you feel this way at the start of the relationship or are these recent feelings. If its the latter than perhaps its something else, more likely some kind of frustration with the relationship that's killings your attraction with him.

You should both talk about some of the frustrations you feel about the relationship, but you shouldn't be pinning to try and change who he is.

In any case if these problems can't be fixed, than you need to break up with him, because it isn't fair to either of you to be stuck in a relationship that isn't reciprocal.

I'd also like to add that, sometime when things aren't going well, its very easy to see and focus on the flaws of others around us. Before you make a decision, consider if you feel this way all the time or only when you're angry at something.

@FrancisZ

Wow what world do you live in. As a 20 year old male, I know perfectly well how to cook for myself, as do most males I know, and almost every woman I've met doesn't know how to cook, its really an embarrassment to my age group. Also saying men need a woman in their life to be fulfilled, is as ridiculous as saying a woman needs a husband to be fulfilled.

You'll never find someone to be happy with, if you can't even be happy with yourself.

 

[FrancisZ]

@FrancisZ

Wow what world do you live in.

Planet Luuuuuuv! :!)

As a 20 year old male, I know perfectly well how to cook for myself, as do most males I know, and almost every woman I've met doesn't know how to cook, its really an embarrassment to my age group.

I'm just a different generation I guess. People my age and older can remember a time when only one parent had to go to work (and in my case, it was usually my grumpy father). That man couldn't cook to save his life.

That having been said: I make a superb pumpkin pie.

Also saying men need a woman in their life to be fulfilled, is as ridiculous as saying a woman needs a husband to be fulfilled.

Well, no need to make a federal case out of it; it really isn't that important. I'm just saying.

You'll never find someone to be happy with, if you can't even be happy with yourself.

Truthfully, I wasn't looking.

 

[GeorginaS]

That having been said: I make a superb pumpkin pie.

One cannot live on pumpkin pie alone.

However -- good to know.

 

[jeremmed77]

You should probably think about this logically. It sounds like you are questioning a lot of different things about your relationship. You find that your boyfriend is not always attractive, has bad habits, and is annoying sometimes. I understand that you only feel this way sometimes, but remember they all add up in the long run.

To give you an example, my mother and father have been on the verge of divorce for the last ten years. They never get along, but they keep on thinking that it will change (Almost as if magically lol). When they first met they brushed their "annoyances" under the rug. Well after a long time it builds up and explodes.

You should sit down, talk with your boyfriend about how you feel, and see what happens after that. If you feel he is not going to change, then you may want to think about seperating. Remember that it is your life too and you should do whatever you can to make yourself happy.

Again you sound like you have a lot of conflicting feelings. If you could not imagine yourself living without him, then maybe you will need to accept those qualities that he has that you do not enjoy. Either way, you sound like a nice person. Good luck!

 

[FrancisZ]

One cannot live on pumpkin pie alone.

However -- good to know.

Agreed (although I probably have tried, living alone for a while). I once even tried to invent an English Muffin; it had nooks but no crannies.

But, my mother and sisters like my pie at least. Of course, they could be lying just to make me feel better (I wouldn't put it past them).

Anyway...although this probably isn't the best place for this, here's what I've done...


“Spicy Pumpkin Pie”

By Francis Ziegler


Ingredients:

1 CUP White Sugar
1 CUP Brown Sugar
3 TEASPOONS Ground Cinnamon
1 TEASPOON Ground Clove
2 TEASPOONS Ground Allspice
1 TEASPOON Ground Ginger
1 TEASPOON Ground Nutmeg
5 LARGE Eggs
1 30 OZ. CAN of Pure Pumpkin Glop (ahem..."Sieved Pumpkin")
4 OZ. Heavy Cream
1 Large Pie Crust (I recommend a Graham Cracker crust, but I like an Oreo Crust)

Procedure:

(1) In a small bowl (cereal size will do), beat 5 eggs thoroughly, and then set aside;

(2) In a very large bowl (party size popcorn tub or large pot), add white and brown sugar, and mix until uniform;

(3) To this mixture: add cinnamon, clove, allspice, ginger, and nutmeg; making sure to mix thoroughly each addition;

(4) Add the beaten egg to the mixture, and mix well;

(5) Add pumpkin glop, and mix well;

(6) Finally, add heavy cream, and mix well;

(7) Using a ladle, add the mixture from the large bowl to a pie crust;

(8) Place the pie into a preheated oven for approximately 1 hour, on 325 degrees, periodically checking on it (every 10-20 minutes);

(9) As it congeals in the oven, stick a knife into the center (to release heat) and see if it comes out clean (if it is, then it’s cooked);

(10) Take the pie out of the oven, and set it aside to cool down (I personally prefer to leave it in the refrigerator over night).

 

[nucleargirl]

thanks jeremmed77. - living without him... sometimes I can imagine living without him, actually this relationship has been 90% long distance, so we're not together most of the time anyway. So I guess that's why feelings are not that strong on my part. Accepting the qualities I don't enjoy - I've tried, maybe I am just a shallow person, but... some times I think he's quite good looking, but sometimes I really dislike the way he looks. that's really horrible. yeah... I would not be going out with someone like me.

I've talked to him about it, and we are basically friends now.
I guess its just a matter of time until he meets someone else and we'll probably just be aquaintances after that. we'll see. Hopefully we will still be friends.

I'm never going to date again! (at least for a few years) Seriously, I've had enough!

 

[jeremmed77]

You are definitely not shallow. You tried your best to make it work out, but unforutnately it didn't. I would have done the same thing you are doing a long time ago lol.

I'm never going to date again! (at least for a few years) Seriously, I've had enough!

Finding a new guy/girl is like fishing. You are not going to catch anything if you never go out on the boat. The problem is that catching a fish also requires luck! If you are not looking for a relationship, but still a guy, you will not need luck since there will be plenty of fish available!

 

[brainstorm]

If you felt really drawn to the person, you would overcome physical shortcomings, but imo this is only possible if there are other attractive aspects that can eclipse the unattractive. The problem with being tolerant of a physical shortcoming that can change, like weight for example, is that you could love and treat them well during their unattractive period and then when they slim up, get plastic surgery, or whatever, they will pass you over for someone more attractive because they will be able to do better when they've remedied their shortcoming. For this reason, it is better not to stick with someone on the basis of waiting for them to fix their physical shortcomings. If you have other valid reasons to persevere through the waning attraction you feel, you will discover a new level of attraction despite the physical shortcoming that you would never imagined possible. However, if it's just a question of waiting for them to slim up or whatever, it will backfire and they'll leave you the moment they fix their problem. Cynical, I know, but logical.

 

[DaveC426913]

I too think that the attention on attractiveness is masking deeper feelings.

If you like him, you'll like what he looks like. If you don't like him, you may be finding it easier to decide you don't like what he looks like rather than not liking him. It's easier to pretend that you're shallow and don't like something he can't change, rather than admitting that you really don't like him for who he is.

Don't take this as advice or as insight - same with any replies in this thread. Take it as food for thought. We know nothing. Only you know how you feel and why you feel that way.

 

[brainstorm]

I too think that the attention on attractiveness is masking deeper feelings.

If you like him, you'll like what he looks like. If you don't like him, you may be finding it easier to decide you don't like what he looks like rather than not liking him. It's easier to pretend that you're shallow and don't like something he can't change, rather than admitting that you really don't like him for who he is.

Don't take this as advice or as insight - same with any replies in this thread. Take it as food for thought. We know nothing. Only you know how you feel and why you feel that way.

Obviously everyone is different, but imo looks and other factors supplement each other. Great personality supplements worse looks but a perfect personality can't overcome zero-attraction. Likewise, total physical attraction can be stimulating but you can't spend all your time with someone just looking at them. Then there's the fact that the longer you go without something, the more you desire it, so if you've been with someone ok looking for their personality for a long time, the physical-attractiveness might be a lot greener than if you'd just gotten out of a relationship with someone gorgeous who was a jerk. Same is probably true for looks; i.e. if you've gotten your fill of playing house with barbie/ken you might be starved for someone with a better personality or whatever barbie/ken was lacking. For some people, they love a starving artist for years because of physical and cultural attraction and then trade up for a conservative suit-wearer who can afford to take vacations.

 

[jackmell]

I'm never going to date again! (at least for a few years) Seriously, I've had enough!

. . . humbug. Let's be honest: girls need a boyfriend. It's just terrible for them to not have one. It's like vitally important to them. Oh yeah, some do without and try to act like it's not big deal, but it is a big deal isn't it. You know you want one and if a new guy comes along and catches your fancy, you really can't resist as your heart just melts like pudding in the hot sun. Just tell them you got requirements and don't give them too many chances to disappoint you: first red-flag like the controlling thing you mentioned, and I say off with his head!

 

[DaveC426913]

Let's be honest: girls need a boyfriend. It's just terrible for them to not have one. It's like vitally important to them.

As opposed to boys needing a girlfriend?

 

[GeorginaS]

. . . humbug. Let's be honest: girls need a boyfriend. It's just terrible for them to not have one. It's like vitally important to them. Oh yeah, some do without and try to act like it's not big deal, but it is a big deal isn't it. You know you want one and if a new guy comes along and catches your fancy, you really can't resist as your heart just melts like pudding in the hot sun. Just tell them you got requirements and don't give them too many chances to disappoint you: first red-flag like the controlling thing you mentioned, and I say off with his head!

The whole of that was a joke, right?

 

[nucleargirl]

. . . humbug. Let's be honest: girls need a boyfriend. It's just terrible for them to not have one. It's like vitally important to them. Oh yeah, some do without and try to act like it's not big deal, but it is a big deal isn't it. You know you want one and if a new guy comes along and catches your fancy, you really can't resist as your heart just melts like pudding in the hot sun. Just tell them you got requirements and don't give them too many chances to disappoint you: first red-flag like the controlling thing you mentioned, and I say off with his head!

it is important, but I need to sort myself out before I can be happy with someone else and make them happy. Right now I'll just make myself and anyone I meet miserable.

 

[jackmell]

The whole of that was a joke, right?

Not really. What's not true about it? Aren't relationships vitally important to women? I don't think any (attractive) women would want to go two years without a boyfriend unless something traumatic happened to her.

 

[lisab]

Not really. What's not true about it? Aren't relationships vitally important to women? I don't think any (attractive) women would want to go two years without a boyfriend unless something traumatic happened to her.

That's incredibly patronizing.

 

[brainstorm]

Not really. What's not true about it? Aren't relationships vitally important to women? I don't think any (attractive) women would want to go two years without a boyfriend unless something traumatic happened to her.

Like a relationship going bad and leading to a break up?

 

[GeorginaS]

Not really. What's not true about it? Aren't relationships vitally important to women? I don't think any (attractive) women would want to go two years without a boyfriend unless something traumatic happened to her.

That's incredibly patronizing.

What Lisa said.

 

[Evo]

What Lisa said.

What Georgina said.

 

[jackmell]

How in the world is what I said patronizing? I simply alluded to the fact that a relationship is very important to a woman, probably in the top five things most important to her, right next to her hair and clothes.

But let's stay on topic: as I read the post by Ms. Nuclear, as soon as I encountered "controlling", that was it: deal-breaker. Done deal. Now break up with him, change your hair, buy a pretty dress, and go out and flirt with the guys.

 

[GeorginaS]

How in the world is what I said patronizing? I simply alluded to the fact that a relationship is very important to a woman, probably in the top five things most important to her, right next to her hair and clothes.

But let's stay on topic: as I read the post by Ms. Nuclear, as soon as I encountered "controlling", that was it: deal-breaker. Done deal. Now break up with him, change your hair, buy a pretty dress, and go out and flirt with the guys.

And now we can add condescending to the list of commentary about your written opinions.

 

[lisab]

And now we can add condescending to the list of commentary about your written opinions.

What Georgina said.

 

[DaveC426913]

How in the world is what I said patronizing? I simply alluded to the fact that a relationship is very important to a woman, probably in the top five things most important to her, right next to her hair and clothes.

You're a bleep.

I'll take the infraction. It's worth it.

Edit by Evo

 

[DaveC426913]

OK. Seriously jack, apparently someone needs to take you by the hand.

Men are as needy for relationships and as shallow about their appearance as women are. You've fallen a self-perpetuating TV sitcom stereotype that suggest women are the only ones who can be desparate for relationships.

And you're perpetuating a cliche by somehow thinking that hair and clothing have anything to do with the topic at hand. Really? wtf? Next you'll be telling us that all librarians with horn-rimmed glasses are closet sex-addicts.

Seriously, there is more dimension to people in real life than wherever it is you've been getting your material from.

 

[brainstorm]

Next you'll be telling us that all librarians with horn-rimmed glasses are closet sex-addicts.

So much for that fantasy

 

[jackmell]

I stand by my opinion that a relationship is vital to a woman; she can hardly live without it. A man can. And her hair is very important to her as well as how she looks in clothes. I mean she wants to attract a man and her hair and how she looks is a crucial component to that strategy.

 

[DaveC426913]

I stand by my opinion...

No problem with that. One can only opine about their areas of experience, no more. You're sheltered from the larger body of women and men who have the full gamut of personalities.