Collection of Lame Jokes

[nuuskur]

I think the correct line is: "You're a rocket scientist?"

don't you mean a rocket surgeon?

 

[WWGD]

don't you mean a rocket surgeon?

A brain rocket?

 

[Bandersnatch]

A bit of foreword on this one, The Polish peoples are very much against any sort of 'ethnic joke'

Not those living in Poland, they aren't.

 

[jtbell]

At Starbucks:
Do you know the bathroom codes?
No, I've never seen it coding.

However, I've seen buffers being flushed.

 

[WWGD]

Roach control place sent me the 100th email " What are you doing to get rid of pests?" .
Unsubscribing from you.

 

[fresh_42]

The colors are especially calming, they said. Newest scientific study, they said.
Since 30 minutes on the baby phone:

"onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - ..."

 

[fresh_42]

"What do you wish to order?"
"A mulled wine to go!"
"You're at Starbucks, here!"
"O.k. if it has to be, then a hot cinnamon-orange-flavored-red-wine in grande. And my name is Paul!"

 

[Craftek_Ana]

I take no credit for these, cash only :D or should I say laughs only.

YOU MATTER. Until you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared. Then you Energy.

Everything happens for a reason. And that reason is entropy.

Never trust an Atom. They make-up everything!

 

[WWGD]

US citizen in In Canada speaking with Canadian:
What is this a boot (about)?
A boot? No, it's a shoe.
A shoe?
Gesundheit.

 

[Craftek_Ana]

US citizen in In Canada speaking with Canadian:
What is this a boot (about)?
A boot? No, it's a shoe.
A shoe?
Gesundheit.

Hehehaha

 

[jtbell]

On the road and got to go and can't find a public toilet? There's an app for that, too!

AirPnP rent-out-your-toilet app launched for Mardi Gras (BBC News)

 

[mfb]

D&D joke:

Why does America spend so much on defense?

Spoiler

Because they only have 1 constitution

 

[Steelwolf]

@mfb, I would have thought that it was because we have already spent enough on being offensive and needed the balance.

 

[fresh_42]

D&D joke:

Why does America spend so much on defense?

Spoiler

Because they only have 1 constitution

I'm afraid they have none:

The first Constitution was brought to Las Vegas, where it served as an enormous billboard for Alamo Airways, before being scrapped by Howard Hughes when he acquired the property. The second Constitution was flown to Opa-Locka Airport, Florida, where it was damaged by an internal fire. It was stored on the airfield until the mid-1970s, then was towed to an empty lot several miles from the airport. There were plans to convert it to a restaurant and museum theme park. The project never materialized and the airplane was destroyed due to lack of funding and pressure from the city to have it removed.

 

[WWGD]

D&D joke:

Why does America spend so much on defense?

Spoiler

Because they only have 1 constitution

On defense, or on "De Fense(Fence)"? I think it will take a while for de fense to go through.

 

[Steelwolf]

@WWGD Is that because Trump got all caught up on demanding they shop at Wall Mart, when De Fence Spending was already in place?

 

[davenn]

the pot of gold

 

[Steelwolf]

@davenn That IS one Stout Truck!

 

[davenn]

welllll maybe haha

 

[Steelwolf]

@davenn , the problem with using Spring water, as I have heard, is that the source may be Artesian. Well and good if it is not, but some folks have developed certain symptoms such as an increased desire to work with clay or to take chisel to stone, some have even gone the way of picking up paints and applying them to a variety of surfaces. Such symptoms can certainly take their tole. But by and large the culprit comes down to that Artesian Well water! So I would be very very careful just what kind of spring the water comes from, and for Sure do not take water from a Leaf Spring!

 

[256bits]

If you find the waterbed too hard try some water softener,

 

[Steelwolf]

@Bandersnatch , I DID tell that joke back in the mid 90's, not all that long after re-integration and before the waves and waves of refugee immigrants for the last decade or so.

Back at the time they had vivid memories of lots of battles between Russia and Germany or other Nations all going Through Poland, often with the scorched Earth behind the armies, so that the peasants were very much against war, ethnic jokes etc, anything that might bring war back to their region.

Now, a couple generations later, it may well have changed. But at the time, well, I drank plenty of ale and enjoyed talking cultural differences with these folks who, not long before, had been behind the Iron Curtain and enjoyed being able to converse with someone who understood their nation's basic plight: a nice flattish breadbasket amidst all these war-mongering neighbors who tended to use Poland as a road and supply source.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Bandersnatch]

@Steelwolf

Spoiler: off-topic

I grew up in the 80s. I'm not talking about any recent attitudes. The jokes of my childhood, that trickled down from parents to the playground, ranged from chauvinistic to casually racists to vile slurs. The most common ones were about 'a Pole, a Ruskie and a German', with the Pole coming off invariably superior in every respect. I actually asked around, and everybody I talked to knows them, and agrees that they were around since at least the WWII.
If anything, I'd say these attitudes are being gradually eroded thanks to the society getting more open, affluent, and worldly (and the older generations dying out). That a quite large percentage of the society had a chance to live abroad after the transformation, and experience being the butt of the jokes, probably contributed to some newfound humility. But it still resurfaces in casual conversations even among people that should be more sophisticated than that.
Also, we aren't really getting any noticeable amounts of refugees here.

 

[WWGD]

Q: How can I make people like me?
Clone yourself and they will be like you.

 

[fresh_42]

Q: How can I make people like me?
Clone yourself and they will be like you.

You know, there is also an old fashioned way to make people. What do you know about bees and flowers? The results usually will like you automatically.

 

[WWGD]

You know, there is also an old fashioned way to make people. What do you know about bees and flowers? The results usually will like you automatically.

Yes, but it is not just making people, it is making people like me.

 

[fresh_42]

Yes, but it is not just making people, it is making people like me.

You can either make people and hope they will like you, or make people and assure they will be like you. In my experience, the former makes far more fun than the latter. On the other hand, we already have too many people on this rock who make people. Thus my ultimate suggestion is to rephrase this question:
How can I make me like people?

 

[jbriggs444]

How can I make me like people?

Everything tastes better with ketchup!

 

[fresh_42]

Everything tastes better with ketchup!

I thought the golden rule is: If in doubt add bacon! Although I prefer to add molten cheese.

 

[mfb]

How can I make me like people?

You are quite similar to other people. You are also a human.
I think[/size].

 

[jtbell]

I watched the Kentucky Derby on TV yesterday. It rained and the track was muddy. I was reminded of the Seinfeld TV episode, The Subway.

Man1: Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.

Man2: His mudda' was a mudda'?

Man1: What did I just say?

 

[fresh_42]

You are quite similar to other people. You are also a human.
I think.

I prefer the term dry nosed primate.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

The disgruntled buzzard, next flight, brought along only chicken.

Only just got that one...

 

[Steelwolf]

An old dragon tells a younger dragon about these snacks he used to go out and find. See you had to go out and find the humans on horseback in their bright armor and cloth and you come down and flame em just enough so that they steam in the shell, then these well muscled Steamers are pretty darn good eating.

So the young dragon gets exited and hungry, dragging the old dragon out there and they are hunting and hunting and then the young dragon sees a bunch of bright white robes and color on humans all on mounts. So he starts his dive.

The Older Dragon, being more experienced in his snacking, takes a good, sharp look at the humans below and can make out travel worn flowing white robes and not horses but common asses: It is a group of mendicant Monks, soft, fat and greasy with distasteful perfumes! So He yells down to the younger dragon to "Wait, Come Back, Them's ain't Steamers, Them's Friars!

 

[Craftek_Ana]

Saw this via Reddit, sharing it forward.
Technically, we can observe them. Also, what are bowls if not deep plates.

 

[Craftek_Ana]

You are quite similar to other people. You are also a human.
I think.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars
The judge asked " first offender?"
She replied, "no, first a Gibson, second a Fender"

 

[davenn]

Meanwhile in Kansas ...

 

[256bits]

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars
The judge asked " first offender?"
She replied, "no, first a Gibson, second a Fender"

A typical three Ring marriage.
Engagement ring.
Wedding ring.
Then the Suffering.

 

[WWGD]

Another weird question on a Math site:
Why does Matrix multiplication work?
Because it does not get paid otherwise?

 

[WWGD]

A lady is upset because every time she goes to the doctor, he asks her to take her clothes off for a checkup. One day , she's had enough: " Doctor, why do you ask me to take my clothes off every time I come?"
A: " Lady, if you don't like it, get another dentist!"

 

[Ophiolite]

I bought this inexpensive second hand watch, but it's not very effective. All it's got is a second hand.

 

[WWGD]

The large network collapsed, no internet.
Another Wan bites the dust!

 

[Steelwolf]

@Ophiolite I reckon that is what you get when you buy at the seconds shops. I will admit to being disappointed with Dollar Stores too, talk about misrepresentation in advertising.

Trying to get pictures of my friend's pup during that above described WAN disruption led to a Wan Lagged Dog picture.

 

[Ibix]

I bought this inexpensive second hand watch, but it's not very effective. All it's got is a second hand.

Perhaps it's also got a minute hand that's too minute to see?

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]