Collection of Lame Jokes

[Mark44]

About 2 secs -- it's easier if you say them aloud.

Me too, about 2 secs. or less (referring to the "Pigs sell late " 'toon)

Other way around for me. Liquid oxygen? LO? LO2? LOx... oh I get it...

Oy veh...

 

[davenn]

I was considering a career as a psychic, but I just didn't see a future in it​

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

I had to return my "U2" navigation system...
I couldn't find what I was looking for, and none of the streets had any names.​

 

[Ibix]

I was considering a career as a psychic, but I just didn't see a future in it

I bet you knew I was thinking of replying "I knew you'd say that", though.

 

[Steelwolf]

I had always thought it would be cool to run a Psychic Pizza Delivery service. Some one calls in for a Large Double Pepperoni Pizza and the person answering picks up the phone with : " Hello Mr Jones, Your Large Size Double Pepperoni pizza is on it's way it should be" Ding Dong (doorbell) "There right now, that will be twenty seven fifty, and the delivery boy thanks you for the $7.50 tip, Have a great day and we will see you again June 18th!"

 

[Ibix]

I had always thought it would be cool to run a Psychic Pizza Delivery service.

I think this is on the list of "things that get you thrown off the Jedi Council", after "using your lightsaber to open beer" and "<hand gesture> I gave you a twenty". If not, it should be.

 

[mfb]

Instant delivery is a great advantage over other pizza services.

 

[256bits]

I was going to tell a lame joke about paper, but I realized it was terrible.

 

[fresh_42]

I was considering a career as a psychic, but I just didn't see a future in it

I was knocking at the door of a psychic.
He shouted: "Who's there?"
I turned away and left.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[mfb]

Even more? Is one third the surface of Earth not enough?

 

[Ibix]

Even more? Is one third the surface of Earth not enough?

He's being pacific-aggressive.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[256bits]

Sure does.
I wish I had checked the oil level before driving on vacation.
I wish I had a jug of oil in the trunk.
I wish I wasn't a hundred miles from nowhere.

 

[256bits]

Q: Why do cows have hooves?

A: Because they lactose.

Reminds me
Why do humming birds hum?

Cuz they don't know the words.

 

[Ibix]

Why should you never tell secrets on a farm?

Because corn has ears, potatoes have eyes, and beanstalk.

 

[256bits]

Here's one
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built upside down.

 

[Ibix]

Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?

So they can hide upside down in custard.

 

[davenn]

 

[strangerep]

Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in custard.

Oh jeez, that takes me back to my childhood. What an ancient joke.

Of similar vintage:

Why do elephants paint their toes red?

Spoiler

So they can't be seen when they're hiding in a strawberry patch.

More recent:

What did the female elephant say to the naked man?

Spoiler

Well,... I guess it's kinda cute,... but can you actually breathe through that??

 

[fresh_42]

What did the female elephant say to the naked man?

I know it as: "And with that you want to eat?"

 

[DrGreg]

Why do elephants paint their toes red?

Spoiler

So they can't be seen when they're hiding in a strawberry patch.

Spoiler

Have you ever seen an elephant in strawberry patch?

No? Then that shows how effective it is.
By the way, in the version I heard as a child, it wasn't a strawberry patch, it was a cherry tree.

 

[jim mcnamara]

[Lack of] Scientific literacy, explained:

https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chernobyl.png

 

[fresh_42]

Birth control?

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

Did you know phones like to take cellfies?

 

[davenn]

Birth control?

View attachment 245215

Yeah, that'll work

 

[davenn]

People that don't have the confidence to take a picture of themselves in a sauna...
most likely have selfie steam issues...​

 

[davenn]

​

 

[davenn]

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.

There’s a lovely key change at the end​

 

[davenn]

​

 

[jack action]

How would you write a C program to prevent Titanic from sinking?

float Titanic;

 

[davenn]

Welcome to the AA meeting.​

​

 

[davenn]

A Paris art museum is in Dire Straits-
thieves got Monet for nothing.
​

 

[Ibix]

Two aliens are sitting in a pub. One turns to the other and says "arg lagrbl bfzzz." The other looks at him and says "Mate, you really are drunk."

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

​

 

[DrClaude]

View attachment 245380​

That one was not obvious!

Spoiler

Mile-high club

 

[Borg]

That one was not obvious!

Spoiler

Mile-high club

At least he didn't convert to meters.

 

[davenn]

​

 

[davenn]

 

[256bits]

I have seen that one with dragons. First time with lions.

 

[Steelwolf]

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions!

 

[Ibix]

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions!

Works best in a Scouse accent.

 

[davenn]

 

[Steelwolf]

While there has been news of the first recording of a Right Whale putting together a song, an ancient 'wax-tube' scroll recording has been found of none other than the famous Moby Dick. While I cannot put the tune of it here, the notes being so deep, I can give the translated wording of the surviving fragments:

"...I don't know why they Took my Lady,
Ahab knows, but He Won't Say!
I Don't Like it but I Guess Humans Harpoon that Way!

BaDoop BaDoop, BaDoop BaDoop..."

(With apologies to Johnny Cash)

 

[jtbell]

What's the downside of being a world champion planker and holding that position for hours?

You get bored stiff.

 

[Ibix]

Or board stiff.