Collection of Lame Jokes

[Steelwolf]

Heck, Humans are so successful procreating that rabbits make jokes about em!

 

[Steelwolf]

I had thought (and happily so) that I had missed as far as being a Reproducing Human, largely by choice, partly by bad fever the possibilities were limited, but I was proven incorrect when I got a call from a relative asking if I "Had ever dated" a certain gal; 'well, Yes'; Was there ANY Chance of a kid;..ANY chance, well, Ya, once...Oh No...and so I took and sent sample off and DNA done proved me wrong. Not only do I have a daughter, but 4 grands. (No Joke there)

And That is a "Failed Breeder", which makes me worry about all those people that Know they are parents...but of Just How Many? The gals know for sure, the guys...not always!

Who knows, it may be YOU next to get a call from someone who was connected via DNA and traced back to: "It Hadda Be..."

 

[fresh_42]

... in that perfect deep, half-snarky tone with the Caps Actually Voiced ...

I remember a woman who did something similar: spoke her text in a deep, sexy voice with the background music "Just the two of us". She said she changed that after her gynecologist called her to confirm an appointment.

 

[fresh_42]

I'm already conflicted with this bit

It is my new favorite example for the fact that any statement about the elements of the empty set is true. I used to say: 'All elements of the empty set have purple eyes.' but this one is better.

 

[BillTre]

I had thought (and happily so) that I had missed as far as being a Reproducing Human, largely by choice, partly by bad fever the possibilities were limited, but I was proven incorrect when I got a call from a relative asking if I "Had ever dated" a certain gal; 'well, Yes'; Was there ANY Chance of a kid;..ANY chance, well, Ya, once...Oh No...and so I took and sent sample off and DNA done proved me wrong. Not only do I have a daughter, but 4 grands. (No Joke there)

And That is a "Failed Breeder", which makes me worry about all those people that Know they are parents...but of Just How Many? The gals know for sure, the guys...not always!

Who knows, it may be YOU next to get a call from someone who was connected via DNA and traced back to: "It Hadda Be..."

Reminds me of a friend who has no kids, but has an identical twin who does have kids.
Therefore, he has virtual kids, from a genetic similarity prespective.

 

[Steelwolf]

@BillTre, Given our chemical backbone that would make his Nep/Niece's as his 'Carbon Copy Kids'... And ditto for grandchildren.

 

[davenn]

​

 

[BillTre]

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.
That's humerus.

 

[BillTre]

A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
Its a shitzu!

 

[nuuskur]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar and one of them says: "hey, I think I lost my electron". The other one asks: "are you sure?". The first one replies: "I'm positive".

 

[BillTre]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

In this cricket World Cup we have witnessed:
1. Two Days of a “One Day” match between India and New Zealand
2. A six in the final that went rolling on the ground
3. NZ losing the final by “ZERO RUNS” and “ZERO WICKETS”
4. An Irishman lifting the World Cup for England
5. A final decided by a weird rule.
6. First time in cricket, a team won a match neither by runs nor wickets, but by a rule.

 

[Ibix]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar and one of them says: "hey, I think I lost my electron". The other one asks: "are you sure?". The first one replies: "I'm positive".

The other one says "I can lend you mine, but I'll be keeping an ion it".

 

[fresh_42]

The other one says "I can lend you mine, but I'll be keeping an ion it".

I assume they already entered the bar holding hands.

 

[Auto-Didact]

 

[davenn]

5. A final decided by a weird rule.
6. First time in cricket, a team won a match neither by runs nor wickets, but by a rule.

yeah and a rule made up by the English on the day
talk about moving the goal posts !

I'm pretty peeved by that stupid result

Dave

 

[256bits]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar and one of them says: "hey, I think I lost my electron". The other one asks: "are you sure?". The first one replies: "I'm positive".

The other one says "I can lend you mine, but I'll be keeping an ion it".

And the barkeep says, "OK guys, Two drinks on the house. No charge."

I just made that up, so if its not funny, that's my excuse.

 

[Ibix]

And the barkeep says, "OK guys, Two drinks on the house. No charge."

"...because you bring such a positive feel to the place."

 

[DrGreg]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar and one of them says: "hey, I think I lost my electron". The other one asks: "are you sure?". The first one replies: "I'm positive".

If the atom wasn't sure whether an electron had been lost or not, would that be an example of Schrödinger's cation?

 

[fresh_42]

I am so glad to be one of those people that can easily hear music without jogging.

 

[Keith_McClary]

(Skirting bans on political humor...)

That's from 1998, so it's historical humor.

 

[mfb]

5. A final decided by a weird rule.
6. First time in cricket, a team won a match neither by runs nor wickets, but by a rule.

The final ended in an "oopse". Seriously.

 

[Keith_McClary]

That is one of the jokes that only works when told like that. If you try to include a literal quote (from the wife complaining) it fails because "You don't buy me flowers" and "you don't buy my flowers" are different.

It works in certain dialects.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Welcome to the AA meeting.

Hey, we rechargeables need a little juice sometimes.

 

[DrGreg]

That is one of the jokes that only works when told like that. If you try to include a literal quote (from the wife complaining) it fails because "You don't buy me flowers" and "you don't buy my flowers" are different.

It works in certain dialects.

Yes, when spoken, but not when written down.

 

[Steelwolf]

A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
Its a shitzu!

And at the snack bar they serve Mu-Shu Shitzu...

 

[Klystron]

That's from 1998, so it's historical humor.

Careful, your post may inspire more lame age jokes. To wit:

"I am so old my printer writes in cuneiform."
"Uses only the finest Babylonian mud, from Ur!"

 

[Steelwolf]

Careful, your post may inspire more lame age jokes. To wit:

"I am so old my printer writes in cuneiform."
"Uses only the finest Babylonian mud, from Ur!"

That joke is so old as to be Urbane, our archeologists are so busy uncovering and deciphering the equivalent of Sumerian texting networks, and with the way the Sumerians were about copying records the archaeologists get upset when they come across whole troves that are nothing but Spam!

Have to admit, they did not update near as fast as Microsoft...

 

[fresh_42]

That joke is so old ...

I have read somewhere that the oldest joke they have ever found, indeed in Mesopotamia, was about a fart.

 

[Steelwolf]

Fair ride Rider: "Hey, when does this darned, super-scary ride stop?" Ride Operator "As soon as your date stops screaming so loud, she is drawing people from miles away" Rider: "NOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOooOoooOOOOOOO!

 

[davenn]

The one not spoken of ...

 

[nuuskur]

I am so glad to be one of those people that can easily hear music without jogging.

Is this a schizophrenia joke or am I overthinking?

 

[fresh_42]

Is this a schizophrenia joke or am I overthinking?

You're overthinking it.

 

[WWGD]

My Taiwanese friend has Taipei personality. (Ouch.

 

[fresh_42]

I can do ouch as well:

"Do you speak Mandarin?"
"No, but after some Mai Tais I speak Lime!"

 

[WWGD]

You're overthinking it.

Isn't that a symptom of schizophrenia?

 

[fresh_42]

Isn't that a symptom of schizophrenia?

Depends on whom you ask

 

[256bits]

Can doctors with multiple personality disorder give second opinions?

 

[Ibix]

I asked for a second opinion, and he says "You're ugly too".

 

[BillTre]

 

[Swamp Thing]

I asked for a second opinion, and he says "You're ugly too".

I wish there was a dislike button, because this isn't lame and it doesn't belong here.(Actually, I clicked the Like).

 

[Ibix]

I wish there was a dislike button, because this isn't lame and it doesn't belong here.

It's the way I tell 'em.

 

[Borg]

From Gene Weingarten this weekend.

Into a bar walked a lady named Sondra.
Her face was angelic, her body spelled trouble.

She said to the barkeep, "I'll have an entendre,
.. And, come to think of it, make it a double."

No thinker was he -- he was more of a doer.
So the barkeep just smiled ... and then gave it to her.

 

[Ibix]

Reminded by @fresh_42's Weird News post about police finding a hiding drug suspect because he farted, this Dominic Deegan comic. A little context is needed: the black haired gentleman is a knight, searching for two thieves who he knows are hiding nearby.

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

I don't see what's funny about that last one...

<cynical>

 

[BillTre]

 

[mfb]

A mouth in motion tends to stay in motion unless a saturation force acts on it.