Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

 

[Borg]

I wonder if those contacts are all above board?

 

[mfb]

What I do have are a very particular set of contacts, contacts I have acquired over a very long career, contacts that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my glasses go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you through my contacts, I will find you, and I will look through my glasses again.

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

South Florida can be a dangerous place to walk around at night, this time of year.

Some people gather up the iguanas and sell the meat. Chicken of the trees, anyone?

 

[Ibix]

Iguana know where my chicken comes from...

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 255927​

David Mitchell did a lengthy rant about professionally lettered signs offering "accomodation". He suggested that the sign writers knew full well that it was spelled wrong, but applied "the customer is always right" with malice aforethought, since there was a good chance of a repeat gig from people who realized they'd spelt their own business name wrong...

 

[jack action]

App developers can be funny too (emphasis mine):

What's New
More sorting functions added
Ability to find up to 300 search results
Major bugs fixed
Added more bugs to fix later

 

[WWGD]

Parachutes are not for people who want to go skydiving but for people who want to go skydiving more than once.

 

[fresh_42]

Parachutes are not for people who want to go skydiving but for people who want to go skydiving more than once.

Do you know the Golfers' anthem?

Spoiler

Do you know the electricians' anthem?

Spoiler

Touched a thousand times, nothing happened a thousand times! A thousand and one night and it has made zoom!

 

[Ibix]

What kind of ape explodes?

A baboom.

 

[Ibix]

Where do you take a whale to find out how much it weighs?

A whale weigh station.

 

[mfb]

Parachutes are not for people who want to go skydiving but for people who want to go skydiving more than once.

A study found no difference in the risk of death or major harm when jumping out of aircraft with and without parachute:
Parachute use to prevent death and major trauma when jumping from aircraft: randomized controlled trial

 

[256bits]

A follow up study - difference in the risk of death or major harm when impacting with ground with and without parachute:

 

[mfb]

No, the impact with the ground was part of the study.

 

[Ibix]

A study found no difference in the risk of death or major harm when jumping out of aircraft with and without parachute:
Parachute use to prevent death and major trauma when jumping from aircraft: randomized controlled trial

That's hilarious! I love that the paper has a correction because they got the less than/greater than the wrong way round on their p-value.

I know people who do RCTs for a living. I might send them that...

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Actually, I think they're both models in scrubs...

 

[Ibix]

This is my stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

 

[Ibix]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

 

[WWGD]

A study found no difference in the risk of death or major harm when jumping out of aircraft with and without parachute:
Parachute use to prevent death and major trauma when jumping from aircraft: randomized controlled trial

How did you get hold of my thesis?

 

[fresh_42]

How did you get hold of my thesis?

Have you looked back as you left the plane? He was right behind you!

 

[WWGD]

https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/cute-little-girl-sleeping-teddy-bear-449079511

Have you looked back as you left the plane? He was right behind you!

But he was shouting something about his glasses in German.

 

[WWGD]

I have a picture of a kidnapping (kid napping):
https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/cute-little-girl-sleeping-teddy-bear-449079511

Should I call the police?

 

[fresh_42]

I have a picture of a kidnapping (kid napping):
https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/cute-little-girl-sleeping-teddy-bear-449079511

Should I call the police?

Depends. Is it your teddy bear?

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

The real Faro
Now we just need the two to make a movie together.

 

[jack action]

 

[jtbell]

Alongside the roads here, I often see signs that say "We Buy Ugly Houses" and a phone number.

I've wondered just what they do with those houses. Yesterday I think I may have found out.

I saw a similar sign that says "Invest in Real Estate" and a phone number.

 

[Ibix]

Alongside the roads here, I often see signs that say "We Buy Ugly Houses" and a phone number.

I've wondered just what they do with those houses. Yesterday I think I may have found out.

I saw a similar sign that says "Invest in Real Estate" and a phone number.

You mean, you think they buy houses you can't sell to anyone else and then sell them to markspeople as an investment?

 

[jack action]

 

[BillTre]

Would only work for shaking in certain directions.

 

[mfb]

Simple: One kit for each plane.

 

[DrGreg]

Simple: One kit for each plane.

You won't detect many earthquakes in an aeroplane.

 

[mfb]

If it is on the ground...

In the air the false positive rate might be another concern.

 

[DaveC426913]

Overhead at breakfast:

"Occam's Razor: the simplest explanation is often the best one."
"What are atoms made of? Ghosts! That's simple - it's one word!"

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

 

[jtbell]

I saw a report on TV this morning that a cop in Wisconsin stopped the Oscar Mayer wienermobile for a traffic violation. First he had to ketchup with the vehicle, then he grilled the driver.

 

[jtbell]

I saw a report on TV this morning that a cop in Wisconsin stopped the Oscar Mayer wienermobile for a traffic violation. First he had to ketchup with the vehicle, then he grilled the driver.

And then when the driver started talking back disrespectfully to the cop, he got another ticket for being a brat.

 

[DrClaude]

I saw a report on TV this morning that a cop in Wisconsin stopped the Oscar Mayer wienermobile for a traffic violation. First he had to ketchup with the vehicle, then he grilled the driver.

I relish that joke.

 

[jtbell]

I relish that joke.

I’m glad it cuts the mustard.

 

[Ibix]

A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he saw a lion taking a drink from a lake. The lion had its back turned and was oblivious to everything except the water, so the gorilla snuck up behind and kicked the lion into the lake. Needless to say, the lion was not happy, and the gorilla took off into the jungle with the lion in hot pursuit. Soon the gorilla came to an abandoned human camp. Quick as a flash, he grabbed khakis and a pith helmet, put them on, sat down in a chair, grabbed a newspaper and hid his hairy face behind it, pretending to read.

The lion charged into the encampment a moment later. "Excuse me sir," he said, "but have you seen a gorilla come through here?"

"What," answered the gorilla, without lowering his newspaper. "You mean the gorilla who pushed the lion into the lake?"

"My goodness!" exclaimed the lion. "It's in the papers already?"

 

[WWGD]

When asked, first half of students liked abstract Mathematics, Second half liked applied Mathematics. Third half never studied Mathematics.

 

[fresh_42]

When asked, first half of students liked abstract Mathematics, Second half liked applied Mathematics. Third half never studied Mathematics.

No problem in $\mathbb{Z}_3\, : \,\frac{1}{2}+\frac{1}{2}+\frac{1}{2}=0$ so nobody has been asked..

 

[mfb]

No problem in $\mathbb{Z}_3\, : \,\frac{1}{2}+\frac{1}{2}+\frac{1}{2}=0$ so nobody has been asked..

If nobody has been asked then we don't need finite fields. We got all three answers 0/2 = 0 times.

 

[fresh_42]

If nobody has been asked then we don't need finite fields. We got all three answers 0/2 = 0 times.

Maybe we need another. $\frac{1}{2}+\frac{1}{2}+\frac{1}{2}=\frac{1}{4}$. Now what about the other three quarters?

 

[WWGD]

Maybe we need another. $\frac{1}{2}+\frac{1}{2}+\frac{1}{2}=\frac{1}{4}$. Now what about the other three quarters?

3 quarters is 75 cents, figure out your Math!