Collection of Lame Jokes

[BillTre]

Seasonal Festivities

 

[WWGD]

Seasonal Festivities

View attachment 254524

Merry Christma-Hannu-Kwaanza-Dan.
I remember the yearly good holiday wishes email I used to get from my school;" Merry Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate". Heart warming.

 

[DaveC426913]

Merry Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate". Heart warming.

That's bigoted. It's quite celebratist.

Offensive to JWs, as it presumes one celebrates.

 

[DaveC426913]

I was there this last September, a nice place.

Missed you by just weeks! I was there in August. Via the MSC Volendam.

 

[WWGD]

Missed you by just weeks! I was there in August. Via the MSC Volendam.
View attachment 254553

I missed him by much more than that: never been there ;).

 

[jim mcnamara]

Back to lame jokes, definitely NOT gold lame. $^7$

One who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.One who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.One who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

 

[jim mcnamara]

$^7$ gold lame fabric

...since this is a lame joke thread

 

[jack action]

A QA engineer walks into a bar.

Orders a beer;

Orders 0 beers;

Orders 99999999999 beers;

Orders a lizard;

Orders -1 beers;

Orders a uivhjkjasr.

First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flame, killing everyone.

 

[Mark44]

Where do you plant pastry chefs?

Spoiler

In Bakersfield*.

*California

 

[Mark44]

I dropped a copy of "A Christmas Carol" on my foot.

It hurt like the dickens...

 

[Mark44]

What do Attila the Hun and Kermit the Frog have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

 

[Mark44]

I told my wife I was going to sell our vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was collecting dust.

 

[Mark44]

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

 

[Mark44]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick...

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

What do Attila the Hun and Kermit the Frog have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

But not if one is short for, say, "Theodore" and the other for "Theodosius"...

 

[fresh_42]

But not if one is short for, say, "Theodore" and the other for "Theodosius"...

We need an expert in aristocracy.

• Attila The Hun - Mongolian aristocracy
• Eric The Red - Norwegian aristocracy
• Henry The Eighth - British aristocracy
• Ivan The Terrible - Russian aristocracy
• Kermit The Frog - American aristocracy

 

[Bystander]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

Have you been drinking?

 

[fresh_42]

Have you been drinking?

No, I always drive this way to avoid snipers.

 

[Mark44]

Have you been drinking?

As a matter of fact, no. My intent was to liven up this forum section with same actual, albeit lame, jokes.

 

[DaveC426913]

No, I always drive this way to avoid snipers.

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

I am your father, Kitty.

 

[DaveC426913]

Hey! It's Darth Macavity!

(Just saw Cats)

View attachment 254642

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

couldnt let this pass by ...

from the classical physics section...

Let's go with a seasonal example, Consider the hypothesis "reindeer can't fly". I go on the roof with a herd of reindeer, and start pushing them off one by one.

1. How many reindeer do I have to go through to prove reindeer can't fly?
2. How many reindeer do I have to go through so that no reasonable person would believe reindeer really can fly?
3. How many reindeer do I have to go through before I am arrested for cruelty to animals?

 

[BillTre]

 

[mfb]

Separating the salt from the water? That's not how I remember the story.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

The idea surely came from the Manneken Pis...

 

[davenn]

Me: Doc, I cannot hear anything in my left ear.

Doc: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I’m definite.

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

He on cell phone:
"It's a really bad time to break up, Gina."

Tattoo artist:
"I could still make Gin Tonic out of it ... "

 

[jtbell]

Overheard at a dog show: "When you're judging a sheepdog, if you burrow through the hair and find only one eye, you've got the wrong end of the dog."

(might have been about some other very long-haired dog...)

 

[mfb]

Me: Doc, I cannot hear anything in my left ear.

Doc: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I’m definite.

If you lose your left hand, then the right hand is left.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

If you lose your left hand, then the right hand is left.

Whether I lose my left ear or not, the other will always be right 'ere.

 

[mfb]

To the doctor: "Did you amputate the right foot, or my right foot?

 

[Borg]

Doctor: Are you feeling alright today?

Me: No, I'm half left.

 

[mfb]

I was wondering where the Sun went, but then it dawned on me.

 

[davenn]

I was wondering where the Sun went, but then it dawned on me.

you shortened that a bit

usually written as ...

"I stayed up all night wondering where the Sun went, and then it dawned on me "

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

I got the address of this beautiful woman yesterday, now this damn navigation system can't find the Sesame Street.

 

[jtbell]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Probably half as much as two woodchucks...

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

That must be at the Knights Inn where I was kept awake by clanking metal.

 

[davenn]

That must be at the Knights Inn ...

very cool

 

[Ibix]

That must be at the Knights Inn where I was kept awake by clanking metal.

I like that some of the Knights Inns were bought by Days Inn...

 

[fresh_42]

That must be at the Knights Inn where I was kept awake by clanking metal.

You have been lucky. Only since there are comparably few knights around in the US, you have been able to get a room anyway. I mean a hotel which only allows knights in and none out will sooner or later be full!

 

[kuruman]

You have been lucky. Only since there are comparably few knights around in the US, you have been able to get a room anyway. I mean a hotel which only allows knights in and none out will sooner or later be full!

That would be a hotel for one knight stands.