Collection of Lame Jokes

[Borg]

One day, a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying: "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test...and $64 change!

 

[Borg]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you''re an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What?? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


Note: Here's where I got the last two: http://eigentaste.berkeley.edu/user/jokes.php"

 

[jmason52]

Did you hear about the explosion at the bakery?







There was a Napoleon Blownapart.

 

[Goofguy]

There were 3 irish men sitting and talking at a bar. All of them had many beers and were drunk. One guy needed to urinate so he went to the washroom. The other two started talking about their families.

One said "hey, my son is great, he recently became a doctor and gave a house to his true love". The other said "isn't that a coincidence? my son gave a private jet to his true love".

The third man had then just come from the washroom, and one guy said "Hey, what does your son do? He replied "my son's a male-stripper and he recently got a private jet and a house for his birthday"

 

[jtbell]

A minister, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be executed at the guillotine.

First up was the minister. The executioner asked, "Do you want to lie face up or face down?" The minister replied "Face down." He was put in position, the executioner released the rope, and the blade rattled to a stop halfway down. The executioner said, "Apparently it is the will of God that you should remain alive, so you may go free."

Next came the doctor. The same sequence of events took place.

Next came the lawyer. The same sequence of events took place.

Next came the engineer. The executioner asked, "Do you want to lie face up or face down?" The engineer replied "Face up." The watching crowd murmured, "Oooh, see how brave he is." Just as the executioner was about to release the rope, the engineer cried out:

"Wait a minute, wait a minute! I think I see what your problem is!"

 

[The legend]

Did you hear about the old lady who died when she was young?

Cant be any more lame!

 

[p1ayaone1]

What's the difference between a duck?-One of its legs are both the same

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img203.imageshack.us/img203/1919/kfcwmd.jpg

 

[GeorginaS]

A minister, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be executed at the guillotine.

First up was the minister. The executioner asked, "Do you want to lie face up or face down?" The minister replied "Face down." He was put in position, the executioner released the rope, and the blade rattled to a stop halfway down. The executioner said, "Apparently it is the will of God that you should remain alive, so you may go free."

Next came the doctor. The same sequence of events took place.

Next came the lawyer. The same sequence of events took place.

Next came the engineer. The executioner asked, "Do you want to lie face up or face down?" The engineer replied "Face up." The watching crowd murmured, "Oooh, see how brave he is." Just as the executioner was about to release the rope, the engineer cried out:

"Wait a minute, wait a minute! I think I see what your problem is!"

Hee!

 

[IMP]

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I get a kick out of some greeting cards. I recently gave one to a friend that has a closeup of an elephant's butt [tail down] as the front cover. Inside, the card reads: Nothing says Happy Birthday like a big-as* card!

 

[BobG]

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile

Hmmm, that's not a joke. It's a dating tip!

I'm going to have to try that.

 

[IMP]

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick.

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, Darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Joe asks:

'Son... what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!...

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b!tch, I'm married!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirin s $..38

Saying the right thing, at the right time...priceless!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

It looks like the American public gets the last laugh after all. While the guardians of the economy at the SEC were stuck looking at cheesy porn, we were actually getting screwed!
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/sec-pornography-employees-spent-hours-surfing-porn-sites/story?id=10452544

 

[Ivan Seeking]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you''re an engineer--you're in the wrong place."

That St. Peter, he can't remember a damned thing!

 

[Borg]

That St. Peter, he can't remember a damned thing!

Or that something wasn't damned.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Or that something wasn't damned.

There you go! He can't remember one undamned thing.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Why do polar bears love igloos?

Spoiler

They're crunchy on the outside and chewy in the middle

 

[Borg]

This PF thread - https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=401577"

 

[HeLiXe]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."

I know this is an old post, but lololz

 

[Redbelly98]

Why do polar bears love igloos?

Good one, but nobody tells it as well as Gary Larson:

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Good one, but nobody tells it as well as Gary Larson:

That's where I got it.

 

[lisab]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

[HeLiXe]

loloolololol

 

[gravenewworld]

BREAKING NEWS:

That actress Reese, can't think of her last name, just stabbed herself. Man I didn't see that one coming at all.

 

[BobG]

BREAKING NEWS:

That actress Reese, can't think of her last name, just stabbed herself. Man I didn't see that one coming at all.

That reminds me how Chris Berman used to make up funny nicknames for the baseball players on ESPN. When Scott Leius was playing for the Twins, I just kept waiting for Bermans' "Scott 'Willyersister' Leius", but he just wouldn't go there.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Engineer A rides up to Engineer B, on a bicycle. B asked A where he got the bike. "It was amasing", said A, "this beautiful woman rode up to me on this bicycle, jumped off, ripped off her clothes, and said to take whatever I want".

"Good choice", said B, "What would you do with women's clothing?"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Russ started a thread in philosophy about parent-mandated birth control for young women. I don't remember where or when, exactly, but this reminded me of a friend from my childhood; I'd say my early teens:

His mother was always threatening to get a retroactive abortion.

 

[HeLiXe]

Engineer A rides up to Engineer B, on a bicycle. B asked A where he got the bike. "It was amasing", said A, "this beautiful woman rode up to me on this bicycle, jumped off, ripped off her clothes, and said to take whatever I want".

"Good choice", said B, "What would you do with women's clothing?"

oh man this is good stuff lolol

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A group of older gentlemen are playing cards. Carl is cleaning everyone's clock so badly that finally the other players demand to know what's going on. Carl starts laughing and explains that he's been taking a memory course and it has really helped his card game. "What is the name of the course", asked one player, "I'd like to take it".

Carl thinks for a moment and then asks, "Does anyone remember the rings that we got in high school?". "Do you mean the graduation ring?", asked one player. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about", said Carl. "Now, do you remember the stone used in the ring?". "That was a ruby", asserts another player. "Yes, that was it!", exclaimed Carl. Then he turns and yells into the kitchen where his wife is working:" Hey Ruby, what is the name of that memory course we are taking?".