Collection of Lame Jokes

[QuantumED]

3rd Lamest Joke I know.
2nd is Atom and losing electron joke, 1st is pi and square root of negative 1.
Is Mr Wall there?
No.
Is Mrs Wall there?
No.
Are any of the Walls there?
No.
Then what's holding your house up.
*Pauses for groans*

 

[Sorry!]

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

haha I laughed at that one actually. Good stuff.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

haha I laughed at that one actually. Good stuff.

I agree. Had to email that one to a few folks.

 

[jtbell]

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

Guy: Doc, every night I've been having these weird dreams in which I'm a pair of teepees with Indians crawling in and out all night.

Doc: OK, here's a prescription for some tranquilizers.

Guy: Tranquilizers?

Doc: Sure, you're two tents.

 

[QuantumED]

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

Guy: Doc, every night I've been having these weird dreams in which I'm a pair of teepees with Indians crawling in and out all night.

Doc: OK, here's a prescription for some tranquilizers.

Guy: Tranquilizers?

Doc: Sure, you're two tents.

Rofl.

_____________________
If I knew how to get a signature I'd have one.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Doctor: I have really bad news. You have cancer, and you have alzheimer's.

Patient: Oh thank God! I was afraid it was cancer.

 

[jobyts]

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

 

[GeorginaS]

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

 

[GeorginaS]

OK, drizzle...that one really made me laugh .

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen, in France?

Spoiler

Linoleum Blown Apart.

Ha! Okay, I laughed out loud for real.

 

[drizzle]

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

that is a lame one. here's one;


they say that an elephant never forgets; but then, what does an elephant have to remember?

 

[Jimmy]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Marvin?"WATT is the unit of power?Stone walls do not a prism make, nor iron bars a diffraction grating.Q: Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs
A: They don't commutePolymer physicists are into chains.

 

[OmCheeto]

I discovered that I was allergic to latex, when I put on my first condom, and my penis swelled up.

 

[w3390]

Did you guys know: a cardboard belt is a waist of paper.

 

[WhoWee]

Let me try, here.

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A 1997 World Hide-and-Seek champion.

Did you hear about the two ants on the toilet seat? One of them got pissed off.

Now that's funny.

 

[BobG]

If you're wondering why I haven't been on much lately, it's because I was walking near a mental institution the other day. I could hear a bunch of the residents yelling, "13 ... 13 ... 13 ... 13!", but I couldn't see why they were yelling - the grounds are closed off on that side by a wooden fence that's too tall to see over.

Finally, I noticed a gap between two loose boards. I peeked through and someone poked me in the eye with a stick! It left me writhing on the ground in pain covering my injured eye.

As I dragged myself up off the ground and thought about making a trip to the emergency room, it heard the residents started yelling, "14 ... 14 ... 14 ... 14!"

 

[SignorPorcino]

Q. Why didn't the teddy bear eat its dessert?
A. Because he was stuffed!

Q. Where do generals keep their armies?
A. In their sleevies!

Q.Why was the nose sad?
A. Because it wasn't picked!

Just thought I'd throw those out there.

 

[mlerocks]

why is a crocodile brown and flat? Because if it was round and yellow it would be a lemon!

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmellow? Because it didnt want to get into the hot chocolate!

Why didn't the chicken skeleton want to cross the road? Because it had no guts!​

 

[Galteeth]

Why are pirate physicists the worst kind of pirates?


They make you walk the Planck.

 

[GeorginaS]

Olaf and his wife had been married for 50 years when Olaf passed away.

His wife went to the newspaper to publish an announcement. She told the obituary writer to print the words, "Olaf died".

"Oh come now," said the newsman, "you must have something more you'd like to say about him. After all, you've been married for 50 years. You have children. He was an upstanding member of the community. Surely there must be something! Here, if money is an issue, you can have the first five words for free".

So she thought for a moment and then said, "Olaf died. Boat for sale."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Olaf died. Boat for sale.

When Olaf was younger he found a mirror on his walk in the woods and brought it home to his wife. She threw it back at him angrily asking "Why did you bring me a picture of your girlfriend?". He looked at it again and said "That's not a picture of my girlfriend, it's a picture of my father."

 

[Borg]

A Catholic teacher gave her children the following assignment. When you go to heaven, what part of your body goes first?

The next day, she asks if the students had their answers. After several children answered, little Johnie raised his hand excitedly. "OK, Johnie, what part of your body goes to heaven first?", she asked.

Your feet!

Your feet? Why would your feet go to heaven first?

Well, last night I was thinking really hard about the question when I saw my sister with her feet sticking straight up in the air saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!". And, if her boyfriend hadn't been holding her down, she would have gone too!

 

[ghostilla]

A lion would never cheat on his wife; A Tiger Wood.

 

[Hurkyl]

The English have historically been good at overt warfare -- they had proud armies of redcoats and their use of longbowmen in the middle ages was unparalleled!

But why were they so adverse to covert warfare in those days? It's less-well known, but they did an experiment with covert warfare in the middle ages that led to disaster after they reversed the direction of their arrows.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The English have historically been good at overt warfare -- they had proud armies of redcoats and their use of longbowmen in the middle ages was unparalleled!

But why were they so adverse to covert warfare in those days? It's less-well known, but they did an experiment with covert warfare in the middle ages that led to disaster after they reversed the direction of their arrows.

Temporal paradoxes aside, this is not to be confused with the origins of the sparsely-populated sport of javelin catching.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.'

 

[Dembadon]

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?



"Do you smell carrot?"


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What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle?



Wheeee!

 

[Galteeth]

Q: How many Polish people does it take to elect the mayor of Warsaw?








A: Approximately 400,000, a plurality of the average number of voters in mayoral elections.

 

[jtbell]

What really happened to Julius Caesar on the ides of March:

After a mid-day break, he returned to the Roman Senate and was accosted by Brutus and some others. Brutus asked, "And how many pizzaburgers did you eat for lunch today, Julius?"

Julius responded, "Et two, Brute," then keeled over with a heart attack and died on the spot.

 

[Sorry!]

A Catholic teacher gave her children the following assignment. When you go to heaven, what part of your body goes first?

The next day, she asks if the students had their answers. After several children answered, little Johnie raised his hand excitedly. "OK, Johnie, what part of your body goes to heaven first?", she asked.

Your feet!

Your feet? Why would your feet go to heaven first?

Well, last night I was thinking really hard about the question when I saw my sister with her feet sticking straight up in the air saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!". And, if her boyfriend hadn't been holding her down, she would have gone too!

LOL Imagine the teachers expression after that one.

 

[Borg]

If you're ever about to be mugged by a couple of clowns, don't hesitate - go for the juggler.