Collection of Lame Jokes

[Lancelot59]

lololololol...STOP! I'm eating

Nom nom nom? Or Mon Mon Mon?

 

[HeLiXe]

LOLOL
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/6/3/heymon128570287966392236.jpg

 

[Lancelot59]

I meant mon mon mon as in vomiting because you said you were eating...

But that dog was hilarious.

 

[HeLiXe]

Yeah I knew what you meant, but it reminded me of "hey mon" hence the dog there.

and really I was eating and totally about to barf !

 

[Lancelot59]

But I do wonder if people actually do eat feces...

 

[HeLiXe]

Well actually they do...some even for medicinal purposes, like in the ayurveda. There is even cow urine in a can like a soft drink called gau jal!

 

[Lancelot59]

Well actually they do...some even for medicinal purposes, like in the ayurveda. There is even cow urine in a can like a soft drink called gau jal!

How is that sanitary?

 

[HeLiXe]

They boil it?

 

[Lancelot59]

IDEA! Poop cakes with urea icing!

 

[HeLiXe]

Why is there no barf emoticon on PF?http://www.bostonsportsmedia.net/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/puke.gif

 

[Lancelot59]

The throw up emoticon got thrown out.

Get it? We do have this one:

 

[HeLiXe]

Well one man's waste is another man's food...or something like that...

 

[Borek]

How is that sanitary?

Urine is surprisingly sterile, unless you happen to have UTI.

 

[Lancelot59]

Urine is surprisingly sterile, unless you happen to have UTI.

I guess.

 

[Martin Rattigan]

Q: What has seven eyes but can't see?

A: Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.

 

[M.Alastair]

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.


6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.


7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.


9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

 

[HeLiXe]

A: Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.

Ahhhh...more esoteric cuisine!

 

[mollymae]

We have to go to the veterinarian. (Why?) Because *flex biceps* these pythons are sick!

 

[Tianman]

Hydrogen Atoms (JK)

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street,
One says to the other:

"Damn! I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Im Positive"

 

[HeLiXe]

*snickers*

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The Russian spies arrested were doing everything they could to fit in as Americans. In fact, for two weeks, they even pretended to like soccer!
- David Letterman

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Senator Sessions: Ms. Kagan, where were you on Christmas?

Kagan starts to respond in terms of the failed Christmas day bombing.

Sessions: No, I was simply where you were on Christmas.

Kagan: Well, Senator, like most Jews, I was having dinner in a Chinese restaurant.

 

[Borg]

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

George Carlin

 

[Lancelot59]

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Well since you set out to fail in the first place, you would've failed.

 

[GeorginaS]

Senator Sessions: Ms. Kagan, where were you on Christmas?

Kagan starts to respond in terms of the failed Christmas day bombing.

Sessions: No, I was simply where you were on Christmas.

Kagan: Well, Senator, like most Jews, I was having dinner in a Chinese restaurant.

I saw that on The Daily Show and laughed really loud.

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

George Carlin

If you have to ask...

 

[GeorginaS]

Q: What has seven eyes but can't see?

A: Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.


6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.


7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.


9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

Oh, okay, ouch from laughing!

 

[Borg]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

 

[Pattonias]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

I find my work station is often where my work stops as well.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I love my home computer, but I'm sleeping with the one at work.

 

[Borg]

Out in the backwoods of some midwestern state, little Johnny arrives at school an hour late.

Teacher: "Why are you so late, John?"
Johny: "My big brother got shot in the as*."
(The teacher corrects his speech.)
Teacher: "Rectum."
Johnny: "Wrecked him!? Hell, It damn near killed him!"