Collection of Lame Jokes

[jim mcnamara]

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from a linear algebra class student, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

[BillTre]

Well, that's a stretch.

 

[DrGreg]

Rulers and compasses were banned as weapons of maths construction.

(But it turned out there weren't any.)

 

[mfb]

It has been claimed that the Al-Gebra network has been terrorizing students.

 

[WWGD]

Talking to the Texan waiter who forgot my dessert order:
"Remember the A la Mode".

 

[WWGD]

Maybe we could ask Greg if he can extend the "Unwatch" function for threads to some recent movies I went to. Yech.

 

[Klystron]

Maybe we could ask Greg if he can extend the "Unwatch" function for threads to some recent movies I went to. Yech.

If I see one more serial killer movie, I'll kill ... well, something.

 

[Ibix]

Why are leopards bad at hide and seek?

They're always spotted.

 

[davenn]

 

[Borg]

One day, my wife and I were walking past a car that had just been pulled over. We walked past just in time to hear the driver tell the cop "I'm in a hurry". I'm betting that didn't go well.

 

[gmax137]

"I'm in a hurry"

On another forum the story was told: Outside town there is a road that crests a hill, and with enough speed, the kids could "catch some air" for fun. The poster's buddy really enjoyed this stunt, and one day as he sailed over the crest, the local cop was parked at the side of the road. Once he pulled over, the cop said "I've been waiting for you" the young driver responded, "I got here as fast as I could..."

Supposedly they both laughed and he got off with a stern warning.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

My friend is a front end web developer and he is still single, therefore I recommend a social dating website for him to find a girlfriend.

After a few days, I met him and asked: «How is it going?»

He answered: «I found some bugs in that website.»

 

[DrGreg]

(British version)
I went on a ballooning holiday. I put on five stones.

(American translation)
I went on a ballooning vacation. I put on 70 pounds.

(International translation)
I've been ballooning. I've put on 30 kg.[/color]

 

[WWGD]

My brother has a daughter named Denise. The wife is pregnant now, they know it will be a boy. They asked my opinion for the boy's name. I suggested 'Denefew'. Denise and Denefew, easy to remember.

 

[Ibix]

My brother has a daughter named Denise. The wife is pregnant now, they know it will be a boy. They asked my opinion for the boy's name. I suggested 'Denefew'. Denise and Denefew, easy to remember.

Friend of my Dad's used to do a job which occasionally involved classes from local schools turning up for an activity day out of the classroom. One class included a girl named Mindy. A year or two later, another class from the same school, you'll never guess what one of the boys was called. The teacher just sighed and nodded when he asked if it was her brother. Sadly, this is not a joke.

 

[256bits]

Well I was always confused (amongst other things ) as a kid how there could be a Yogi Bear ( with Boo Boo and Ranger Smith - had to look up his name ) on TV , and then hear about him also playing baseball.

Oh, Ooops, I meant a friend was confused ...

 

[mfb]

There is a pig called Chris.

Chris P. Bacon

 

[member 656954]

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

 

[256bits]

Would that mean that 1 out of 6 can't say they would never play the game again!

 

[davenn]

But they're sending out an S.O.S !

 

[davenn]

I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother today

Brocko Lee

 

[mfb]

But they're sending out an S.O.S !

I just heard Sting was kidnapped.

They started a sting operation.

 

[Mark44]

A priest, a rabbit, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I might be a typo."

 

[jack action]

 

[AlexCaledin]

- well, just as bald is a hair color.

(there's a joke about a child asking for a bald pencil to draw a picture of Daddy)

 

[Klystron]

Does anyone remember when we were polite describing people's differences?

bald == folliclely challenged​

idiot == unchallenging​

 

[WWGD]

Does anyone remember when we were polite describing people's differences?

bald == folliclely challenged​

idiot == unchallenging​

Yes, a generously proportioned, height disadvantaged friend here at a local Sbux reminded me recently ;).

 

[fresh_42]

Not sure I would classify an idiot as unchallenging. I mean, who of us runs around with crayons?

 

[Bandersnatch]

I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother today

Brocko Lee

 

[Klystron]

Not sure I would classify an idiot as unchallenging. I mean, who of us runs around with crayons?

Yes, I was grasping for a pun. Back in the age of euphemism many jokes contained (something)-challenged. Leper == dermally challenged; albino == melanin challenged, etc.

So, flat-earther == spherically challenged?

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 257849

There is the Indian version of it. The Indian guy who won't share is selfeesh, the one who was born in the UK is Briteesh, the one who never has any money is Lokash.

 

[WWGD]

I sent a letter using a stamp featuring Houdini . Stamp was upside down but somehow arrived right-side up .
??

 

[fresh_42]

I sent a letter using a stamp featuring Houdini . Stamp was upside down but somehow arrived right-side up .
??

Lucky you! Usually the bondage to the envelope doesn't last.

 

[WWGD]

How to get better grades in school in the Fall semester. When teacher asks:
"Johnny, what did you do last Summer?"
"My lawyer said I didnt have to talk about it".

 

[WWGD]

Lucky you! Usually the bondage to the envelope doesn't last.

But it did for your reply!

 

[mfb]

"What is your religion?"
"I don't have one"

Not so complicated.

"What is your favorite rugby team?"
"I don't have one"

 

[strangerep]

There's a big difference between rugby and religion...

Rugby has players who like to put their finger where they shouldn't.

Religions have priests who,... oh, wait...

 

[Keith_McClary]

a generously proportioned, height disadvantaged friend

A stout fellow?

 

[WWGD]

There's a big difference between rugby and religion...

Rugby has players who like to put their finger where they shouldn't.

Religions have priests who,... oh, wait...

I wore the scariest costume during a recent party:

A stout fellow?

Someone who shops at Big &Tall but is not tall.

 

[davenn]

 

[256bits]

"What is your religion?"
"I don't have one"

Not so complicated.

"What is your favorite rugby team?"
"I don't have one"

Is that the empty set response(none) , or the full set ?

 

[256bits]

A stout fellow?

How did you fathom what beer he likes?

 

[fresh_42]

Is that the empty set response(none) , or the full set ?

No, that would be the difference between an atheist and an agnostic.

 

[davenn]

don't think I have posted this recently (at all)

 

[davenn]

and on a related theme

 

[WWGD]

There is the Indian version of it. The Indian guy who won't share is selfeesh, the one who was born in the UK is Briteesh, the one who never has any money is Lokash.

Only fair our Eastern friends make fun of our Western names. Any takers?

 

[fresh_42]

Only fair our Eastern friends make fun of our Western names. Any takers?

I once tried. A movie quotation. Didn't work. Tarantino isn't allowed to cite.

 

[DrGreg]

I sent a letter using a stamp featuring Houdini . Stamp was upside down but somehow arrived right-side up .
??

You should have put the stamp inside the sealed envelope.

 

[WWGD]

You should have put the stamp inside the sealed envelope.

Except that the letter would have been returned unless Harry did his thing before the mailman picked it up.