Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

My father taught me everything I know about sex. Luckily, he was a gentle man.

 

[HeLiXe]

>_< I could have done without that one. *vomits*

 

[drizzle]

Is this a joke!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Yeah, it's one of those jokes that make you cringe!

 

[Borek]

Sister to brother: "you are better than Dad in bed". "I know, Mom told me".

 

[nobahar]

"The Prime Minister is going on a tour of the friendly countries, expected back tomorrow."
Paraphrased from The Two Ronnies, mentioned on the Rob Brydon Show the other night.
I'm sure there's a slight alteration that can be made for the American President there somewhere...

 

[FrancisZ]

SAY! Did you hear the one about the 2 peanuts that got on the subway? One of them was assaulted! Waka Waka!

 

[FrancisZ]

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

Damn...beat me to the punch...line.

 

[Upisoft]

After having some fun reading this thread https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=439253" I've remembered an old joke. It is probably not original, but localized version (I live in Bulgaria).

During archeological excavations in Greece they found a piece of copper wire. Archeologists concluded that ancient Greeks must had telephone for communication. The archeologists in UK then made discovery in their excavation. it was a piece of glass fiber. The conclusion was that the ancient inhabitants of the island were using fiber-optic digital communications. Finally the archeologists in Bulgaria decided to search for clues. After many years they found nothing. The conclusion was that the ancient Bulgarians were much more advanced and they have used wireless technology.

 

[xunxine]

Got this via email:
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V

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them.
Put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least...

If they are standing around talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

 

[mugaliens]

a piece of string walks into a bar.

the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.

he walks back into the bar.

the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"

the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"

 

[nino508]

i just had to create an account here cos i laughed so much when i read some of these jokes lol

 

[Lancelot59]

i just had to create an account here cos i laughed so much when i read some of these jokes lol

That's a good a reason as any I guess. Welcome to the forums.

 

[nino508]

That's a good a reason as any I guess. Welcome to the forums.

haha thanks
i'll try thinking of the lames jokes i know xD

 

[HeLiXe]

Welcome nino

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Politicians are like baby diapers - they have to be changed often, and for the same reason.

 

[mugaliens]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[The legend]

Politicians are like baby diapers - they have to be changed often, and for the same reason.

 

[HeLiXe]

 

[NobodySpecial]

Management training interview questions.

1, How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Open the door - sometimes the answer is simple

2, How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
First remove the giraffe - remember that previous decisions have consequences

3, The lion king holds a meeting of all the animals, who is missing
The elephant - remember you left him in the fridge, memory is useful for managers.

4, You have to cross a river, how do you avoid being eaten by crocodiles?
Easy, the crocodiles are all at the meeting - if you hold too many meetings nothing gets done.

In tests, 90% of management trainees got no questions right.
However many kindergarten pupils got some of them right.
Anderson consulting publicized this result as scientific proof that managers are NOT like 4 year olds!

 

[mugaliens]

Management training interview questions.

1, How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Open the door - sometimes the answer is simple

FAIL. Volume of giraffe exceeds that of a fridge.

2, How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
First remove the giraffe - remember that previous decisions have consequences

STILL FAIL. Volume of elephant exceeds that of a fridge, even after giraffe is removed.

3, The lion king holds a meeting of all the animals, who is missing? The elephant - remember you left him in the fridge, memory is useful for managers.

ABSOLUTELY FAIL. He wandered off, onto the Serenghetti plain, and was subsequently eaten by lions because he didn't fit into the fridge, with or without the giraffe.

The ability to grasp reality is more useful to managers than memory. Pencil and paper supplant the latter. Nothing can supplant the former.

4, You have to cross a river, how do you avoid being eaten by crocodiles? Easy, the crocodiles are all at the meeting - if you hold too many meetings nothing gets done.

Shoot them. Dead crocodiles are not a problems, and once dead, they don't hamper boardroom meetings.

In tests, 90% of management trainees got no questions right.

In tests, 90% of those who created these sorts of tests were discovered to have lost touch with reality long ago. Of the remaining 10%, 9 out of 10 folks who adhere to these sorts of tests lost touch with reality a short while ago.

However many kindergarten pupils got some of them right.

Kindergarteners have yet to loose touch with reality.

Anderson consulting publicized this result as scientific proof that managers are NOT like 4 year olds!

Other consultants have hired kindergarteners to replace their management consultants.

Lesson learned: Pat/smug answers may sound good in the boardroom, but they FAIL in reality.

 

[jobyts]

Texas grocery retailer HEB (H.E Butt) wants to acquire Whole Foods. The name after the merger would be H.E. Butt Whole Foods.

Someone in the office was telling he had a high school teacher with a last name Butts. His wife's first name was Afilia.

 

[Dr Lots-o'watts]

A skeleton walks into a bar, he asks for a beer and a mop.

 

[Lacy33]

*bump*
This thread is keeping us alive here. :shy:

 

[Lancelot59]

The recipie for chick-chick-chicken:

Stuff chicken nuggets into chicken strips, and then stuff those into a whole chicken.

 

[Lacy33]

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, what are you going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[Borg]

 

[Lacy33]

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a receptionist was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

[HeLiXe]

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, what are you going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

*snickers*

 

[Evo]

Lacy, both of those were great!