Collection of Lame Jokes

[Barrett1]

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Lollllllllllllllllllllllllz :D

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Is this really coffee? It tastes like mud.
No sir, that would be the tea. The coffee tastes like turpentine.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

This one's been done more than once. So let me redo it.

Anti-atom 1: I lost a positron!
Anti-atom 2: Are sure?
Anti-atom 3: I'm negative!

 

[nismaratwork]

"Lincoln Lincoln I've been thinkin'
What the hell have you been drinkin'?
Is it whisky? Is it Wine?
Oh my god it's turpentine!"

A variation I've heard:

"Lincoln Lincoln I've been thinking:
If the world were made of glass;
Everybody in creation'd
fall and slide upon their Lincoln Lincoln... (repeat)"

 

[nismaratwork]

I don't know if this has been posted or not... possibly by me!

"Tommy was a chemist, but he isn't any more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4."

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Tommy was an idiot.

 

[nismaratwork]

Tommy was an idiot.

Indeed he was

 

[IMP]

*** Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

[nismaratwork]

"When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose."

 

[Borg]

"When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose."

A friend of mine used to always say "mine's only 5 inches but, most women like 'em that wide". Now that I think of it, he didn't have a good memory either.

 

[Borek]

Somehow that reminds me that God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.

 

[nismaratwork]

A friend of mine used to always say "mine's only 5 inches but, most women like 'em that wide". Now that I think of it, he didn't have a good memory either.

It is a "lame" joke... remember.

 

[nismaratwork]

Somehow that reminds me that God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.

Another classic, "We [men] are life support systems for a penis."

 

[jtbell]

This subthread reminds me of a joke that was posted in another thread a few years ago:

https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=1421016&postcount=217

 

[nismaratwork]

EVO!

 

[DevilsAvocado]

"If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks."

Classic Evo

 

[DevilsAvocado]

"When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose."

A friend of mine used to always say "mine's only 5 inches but, most women like 'em that wide". Now that I think of it, he didn't have a good memory either.

Somehow that reminds me that God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.

 

[nismaratwork]

Thank you kind sir, thank you!

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Kasparov's Apocalypse Now

*** Warning! Body part in strange environment! ***

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFcZm7UUYIg

 

[nismaratwork]

Oh god, isn't that priceless?

 

[DevilsAvocado]

 

[lisab]

That probably led to some strange conversations over dinner that evening.

"How was work today? Anything interesting happen?"

"I batted a flying penis out of the air. How was your day, dear?"

 

[nismaratwork]

That probably led to some strange conversations over dinner that evening.

"How was work today? Anything interesting happen?"

"I batted a flying penis out of the air. How was your day, dear?"

LAME jokes Lisa... you're supposed to be LAME. You go join DaveC... that was funny.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

"I batted a flying penis out of the air. How was your day, dear?"

 

[nismaratwork]

I want to get a tiny version of that, and fly it into Qaddafi's ear.

Then you detonate the C4...

 

[DevilsAvocado]

I want to get a tiny version of that, and fly it into Qaddafi's ear.

Actually, I think we can fix this!

3 men walk into a bar.

After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.

The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.

The bartender says "Ok, that's 12 inches you can go".

As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."

 

[Lancelot59]

Kasparov's Apocalypse Now

*** Warning! Body part in strange environment! ***

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFcZm7UUYIg

I remember seeing that on the news. Fun times.

Incidentally I happen to be both well endowed and have a good memory.

 

[Oldfart]

In the news: HEROIC PIT BULL JOURNEYS 2000 MILES TO ATTACK OWNER!

 

[sandbanana]

A plane was flying from Poland to France and then to America. To keep track of nationalities for customs assigned seating was used. France nationals were on one side while Polish nationals occupied the other. On the descent into America the French were clammoring about the spectacular views. Curious, one of the Polish stepped onto the French side to see. Immediately and without warning the aircraft burst into flames and plummeted to Earth. When asked why the plane crashed so suddenly, a FAA spokesperson answered, "We discovered a pole in the right half of the plane."

 

[Gokul43201]

That's like the joke about Cauchy's dog. They say it leaves a residue at every pole.

 

[nismaratwork]

That's like the joke about Cauchy's dog. They say it leaves a residue at every pole.

Heh...

I'm ashamed that I laughed at that...

Still...

Hehheh...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Bob was an astronaut, but he's not anymore. He landed on an object he thought had a mass of 4x10²⁴, in kilograms.It was actually in gigagrams.

 

[Lancelot59]

Bob was an astronaut, but he's not anymore. He landed on an object he thought had a mass of 4x10²⁴, in kilograms.


It was actually in gigagrams.

He must have a really flat personality now.

 

[Borek]

It was actually in gigagrams.

It adds new meaning to the statement "check your units" that we see so often at PF.

 

[jtbell]

That's like the joke about Cauchy's dog. They say it leaves a residue at every pole.

That's why Poles hate Cauchy's dog, eh?

 

[IMP]

Bob was an astronaut, but he's not anymore. He landed on an object he thought had a mass of 4x10²⁴, in kilograms.


It was actually in gigagrams.

I bet that mistake weighs heavy on him these days...

 

[nismaratwork]

Bob was an astronaut, but he's not anymore. He landed on an object he thought had a mass of 4x10²⁴, in kilograms.


It was actually in gigagrams.

That's what happens when you use a slide-rule upside down...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

It adds new meaning to the statement "check your units" that we see so often at PF.

Wow! I didn't know my jokes had hidden meaning...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.


There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.


There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.

 

[Lancelot59]

That's what happens when you use a slide-rule upside down...

I wish I knew how to use one of those.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

That's what happens when you use a slide-rule upside down...

I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?

Try 2578 x 3 and see what breaks out.

 

[Lancelot59]

Enter this into your calculator:

7251*8

and turn it upside down.

 

[nismaratwork]

I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?

Your cock's crow falls flat.

@Lancelot59: No you don't.

 

[Lancelot59]

Your cock's crow falls flat.

@Lancelot59: No you don't.

Well I'd like to learn for the same reason I'd like to learn assembly. Fascination with old stuff. Plus when world war 3 happens calculators won't work anymore.

 

[nismaratwork]

Well I'd like to learn for the same reason I'd like to learn assembly. Fascination with old stuff. Plus when world war 3 happens calculators won't work anymore.

Yes, there is that... so you learned assembly?! Heh... did you want to program an OS, or was it really pure fascination with the guts of the machine?

 

[Lancelot59]

Yes, there is that... so you learned assembly?! Heh... did you want to program an OS, or was it really pure fascination with the guts of the machine?

I haven't yet. I want to though...I want to learn too many things.

 

[IMP]

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

 

[Lancelot59]

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

I laughed. He must be an engineer of some sort.

 

[Femme_physics]

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Funniest joke I heard in a while :D