Collection of Lame Jokes

[Lancelot59]

On that subject:

[PLAIN]http://img819.imageshack.us/img819/3277/calculusposter.jpg

 

[Lacy33]

Lancelot59! This was up as the page refreshed when I came around the corner. I laughed so loud and unexpectedly, I think everyone is up now. That is FUNNY!

 

[sourlemon]

lolz I cracked up seeing the check too.

 

[mugaliens]

A fighter pilot's lament

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Please bear in mind this is a photoshopped JOKE. I am NOT the pilot, and this is NOT my son.

 

[Lancelot59]

Lancelot59! This was up as the page refreshed when I came around the corner. I laughed so loud and unexpectedly, I think everyone is up now. That is FUNNY!

You're welcome!

 

[ThomasT]

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.


There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.


There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.

Yes, this is lame. The problem with this thread is that there's lots of funny stuff in it, not including your contribution.

 

[nismaratwork]

Yes, this is lame. The problem with this thread is that there's lots of funny stuff in it, not including your contribution.

Now, no offense Fit, but Thomas... that was gooooood.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Please bear in mind this is a photoshopped JOKE. I am NOT the pilot, and this is NOT my son.

Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.

Heheh.

Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.

Heheh.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.

There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Let the lameness ensue! >launching fireworks<

 

[DevilsAvocado]

There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.

There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.

Most people nowadays think 20 negative people are too much.
.hcum oot era elpoep evitagen 02 kniht syadawon elpoep tsoM


()()

 

[nismaratwork]

Most people nowadays think 20 negative people are too much.
.hcum oot era elpoep evitagen 02 kniht syadawon elpoep tsoM


()()

Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!

P.S. Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian...

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!

NO anti-post!?

P.S. Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian...

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod?? Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!

 

[nismaratwork]

NO anti-post!?

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod?? Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!

Damn you Dutch traders, for injecting so much Scandy-goodness into the odd pastiche that is Ingels!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!

Well, I did say something about fireworks!

 

[jtbell]

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod?? Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!

Aha! You're the person responsible for the opening credits in Monty Python and the Holy Grail!

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Damn you Dutch traders, for injecting so much Scandy-goodness into the odd pastiche that is Ingels!

Vhery try! Its zhat öld pästuiche Julio Inglesias bläädy fualt!

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Aha! You're the person responsible for the opening credits in Monty Python and the Holy Grail!

Wöw... Aim thönk Aj häve been cäught whit möy läderhösen döwn...


...okäy, wee allh göt säcked, alsö wik myh deer freund Svenge (Öslo deäntist). Böt teah reeplasmacement – tree öllegal ömmigrants – däd ö heäck öf a jöbb!

Directed By
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
and
TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES

[URL]http://www.cjsr.uAlberta.ca/cms/news/jpegs/The-Three-Amigos-Photograph-C10101975.jp[/URL]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvIKL_pTZFE​

WIK MOOSE!

 

[Borek]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.

 

[nismaratwork]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.

OK 1:

2: Kind of makes you wonder what critical would have been.

 

[Lancelot59]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.

HA! Nice one.

Here's something funny:
[PLAIN]http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicpoopiter1.png

 

[jtbell]

Have you heard the idea that the entire universe is just a hashish-fueled dream of some super-being? It's called the "Big Bong theory."

 

[Evo]

have you heard the idea that the entire universe is just a hashish-fueled dream of some super-being? It's called the "big bong theory."

lol.

 

[nismaratwork]

HA! Nice one.

Here's something funny:
[URL]http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicpoopiter1.png

[/URL]

Fry: "Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus." *laughs*
Leela: "I don't get it."
Professor: "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all."
Fry: "Oh. What's it called now?"
Professor: "Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you."
Fry: "Hehe, no, no, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Have you heard the idea that the entire universe is just a hashish-fueled dream of some super-being? It's called the "Big Bong theory."

I hadn't heard that, but I know the theory that says the universe began when some pimply kid blew into his lunch bag and popped it behind the head of that freckle-faced girl in pigtails. It's called the bag bang theory.

 

[nismaratwork]

I hadn't heard that, but I know the theory that says the universe began when some pimply kid blew into his lunch bag and popped it behind the head of that freckle-faced girl in pigtails. It's called the bag bang theory.

I thought that was the explantion for how Rossane and Arnold... you know... "coupled"?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian...

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod?? Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!

Aha! You're the person responsible for the opening credits in Monty Python and the Holy Grail!

Who ez rezhpönsible for gïveeng thee møøse ah bäth?
Whö fëd tshe møøse?
Whoo, myh freündh, hoo petthed te møøse?
Whät ahboot tælleeng the møøse ah bedtyme störie? Hoo dæd thät?

 

[nismaratwork]

LAME guys... keep it LAME. You can't be funny in the LAME joke thread.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Whät ahboot tælleeng the møøse ah bedtyme störie? Hoo dæd thät?

Wöll eay dæd that... eay tœlled hīæs fävôrite – Luttel Rudd Røidæng Höööd...

Ænd nöw dhe dämmned thong wön’t wouke!?

[PLAIN]http://www.tdf.se/backaby/images/anders1.jpg [URL]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/ca/Moose-warning.svg/200px-Moose-warning.svg.png[/URL]

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared granting me 3 wishes. But whatever I wish for, my worst enemy will get double. So I wished for a billion dollars, I wished for a vacation home in Aruba, and I wished to be beaten half to death.

 

[nismaratwork]

I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared granting me 3 wishes. But whatever I wish for, my worst enemy will get double. So I wished for a billion dollars, I wished for a vacation home in Aruba, and I wished to be beaten half to death.

I like that one, but the version I heard ended with, "I wish I had one testicle".

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I like that one, but the version I heard ended with, "I wish I had one testicle".

I assume you mean lost one, not had one.

 

[nismaratwork]

I assume you mean lost one, not had one.

Ah, yes, quite right.

 

[IMP]

What does someone who just got kicked in the testicles and a land owner have in common?

They both have a couple acres...

 

[BobG]

Try 2578 x 3 and see what breaks out.

Enter this into your calculator:

7251*8

and turn it upside down.

This, too, shall pass the way of the slide rule. Even the cheap sub $20 calculators have symbolic notation nowadays.

[PLAIN]http://www.casio.com/resource/images/xlarge/fx-300es_xlarge.jpg

 

[dkotschessaa]

The other day I managed to backwards engineer one of those upside down dirty calculator jokes I remembered from my youth. I don't know if it's fully appropriate for this thread, so perhaps I shall just say it starts with "there was 1 girl". It's 1 16 69 X 3

The result describes the uh... alleged status of said female.

It was funny as hell when I was 12.

I shall now flee.

-Dave KA

 

[nismaratwork]

This, too, shall pass the way of the slide rule. Even the cheap sub $20 calculators have symbolic notation nowadays.

[PLAIN]http://www.casio.com/resource/images/xlarge/fx-300es_xlarge.jpg[/QUOTE]

I've never felt so old in my life.

 

[lisab]

I've never felt so old in my life.

Makes perfect sense. You haven't been this old before.

 

[nismaratwork]

Makes perfect sense. You haven't been this old before.

Now THAT belongs in lame jokes!... and only on PF...

 

[BobG]

In a class I teach, I used to have the students calculate the speed of a satellite in a circular orbit with some absurd radius. When they'd start giving their answers, I'd just "I don't know, but if you turn your calculator upside down you'll get the name of the best instructor in the school house."

It was kind of depressing to buy new calculators for my classes. But, on the other hand, there's a way to use Newton's method on those calculators very quickly to convert mean anomaly into eccentric anomaly. Not bad for a calculator in the $15 to $20 range.

 

[nismaratwork]

In a class I teach, I used to have the students calculate the speed of a satellite in a circular orbit with some absurd radius. When they'd start giving their answers, I'd just "I don't know, but if you turn your calculator upside down you'll get the name of the best instructor in the school house."

It was kind of depressing to buy new calculators for my classes. But, on the other hand, there's a way to use Newton's method on those calculators very quickly to convert mean anomaly into eccentric anomaly. Not bad for a calculator in the $15 to $20 range.

Hmmm... I just think about the time we all spent programming graphing calculators, burning CDs... and now...

I just got a Kindle. I remember my old Commadore... floppy, Floppy Discs... DOS...

and I'm freaking 30! I'm too young to be so old!

 

[Lancelot59]

MILF = Man I Love Fishing

There is a picture to go with this, but I'm not sure it'd be acceptable here.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

LAME guys... keep it LAME. You can't be funny in the LAME joke thread.

>Ahem<
Any Joke particle can simultaneously occupy the quantum superposition of Funny and Lame, therefore it can have the quality of Funny, but the quality of Lame is all that influences its standing here.

I've never felt so old in my life.

I've never felt this old either...

Makes perfect sense. You haven't been this old before.

Booyah!

Now THAT belongs in lame jokes!... and only on PF...

This Joke particle does satisfy the requirment of Lame. Though not affecting its status in this Lame Jokes Thread (a collection of Joke particles organized into a nucleus with smaller Joke particles orbiting it), it also has the quality of Funny.

I'm freaking 30! I'm too young to be so old!

I feel the same way... even though I'm slightly over half your age.

>oops<
>I've annoyed him<
>I run away as he unleashes his army of lightsaber tae-kwan-do-dos upon me<

 

[nismaratwork]

MILF = Man I Love Fishing

There is a picture to go with this, but I'm not sure it'd be acceptable here.

MILF:


Massive Interstellar Local Formation
More Ice Like FAST
My Id Loves Funk
Make Ideograms Look Fun
My Ideas Lack Flair

...

 

[nismaratwork]

>Ahem<
Any Joke particle can simultaneously occupy the quantum superposition of Funny and Lame, therefore it can have the quality of Funny, but the quality of Lame is all that influences its standing here.


I've never felt this old either...


Booyah!


This Joke particle does satisfy the requirment of Lame. Though not affecting its status in this Lame Jokes Thread (a collection of Joke particles organized into a nucleus with smaller Joke particles orbiting it), it also has the quality of Funny.


I feel the same way... even though I'm slightly over half your age.

>oops<
>I've annoyed him<
>I run away as he unleashes his army of lightsaber tae-kwan-do-dos upon me<

Hehhehehe... Good stuff!
edit: However... doesn't that only work for ensembles of joke particles?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

However... doesn't that only work for ensembles of joke particles?

You've got me stumped.
We'll need a trained quantum physicist to investigate the matter.

Ha! A pun!

 

[nismaratwork]

You've got me stumped.
We'll need a trained quantum physicist to investigate the matter.

Ha! A pun!

Nah, that won't work... You'll just have different Interpretations...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Meanwhile I am preparing my defenses against the lightsaber tae-kwan-do-do attack.
I have sent out my Concordeans to bomb them.

PS Did you get the pun?

 

[nismaratwork]

Meanwhile I am preparing my defenses against the lightsaber tae-kwan-do-do attack.
I have sent out my Concordeans to bomb them.

PS Did you get the pun?

Yes, and I appreciate the reference to the uber-birds.

Ahhh.. what did we do before photoshop?

...
...
...

That's it. Your "reason" for supersonic birds... kinetic bombardment. If they are originally "biomechanical", and engineered... they could have been weapons. Now... they just live...