Collection of Lame Jokes

[FtlIsAwesome]

"This is Concordean 502, ready to drop payload."
"You have a go to drop the Tsar Bomba 4.0."
The massive bomb drops to the ground. It explodes in a 200 megaton fireball that engulfs the 55th TaeKwanDoDo Division. My bird zips away.
I put on sunglasses and say "Oooh! Shiny! F!r3w0rxx0rz!"

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Ahhh.. what did we do before photoshop?

Humanity told stories about tall beanstalks, giants, and The Time Machine by H. G. Wells.

 

[nismaratwork]

Humanity told stories about tall beanstalks, giants, and The Time Machine by H. G. Wells.

Hmmm... not too bad.

Still, I think the birds would be better if they ARE the projectiles. They circulate around your jetstream, and when need arises they go into a ballistic trajectory and the kinetic energy alone is the bomb.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Still, I think the birds would be better if they ARE the projectiles. They circulate around your jetstream, and when need arises they go into a ballistic trajectory and the kinetic energy alone is the bomb.

Are current supersonic aircraft good as kinetic weapons?

And to stay on-topic I should put a lame joke here...

Death by dihydrogen monoxide can be one of the worst ways to die.

 

[nismaratwork]

Are current supersonic aircraft good as kinetic weapons?

And to stay on-topic I should put a lame joke here...

Death by dihydrogen monoxide can be one of the worst ways to die.

Oooh... OUCH...

As to the aircraft... no, but then... this is a different planet, right? Maybe there's a reason to avoid nuclear weapons, or conventional explosives...

Still... if you look at 9.11... they do work as kinetic weapons, and that's not supersonic.


Back to jokes: "Cricket: "A game invented by religious fundamentalists to explain the idea of eternal hell to non-Chrisitan indigenous people of the former British Empire." (Joe O'Connor) " *from The Devil's Dictionary*

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A rare and confusing event for the locals, snow fell on San Francisco this week. Emergency rooms were deludged with cases of nasal-cavity frost bite.

 

[nismaratwork]

A rare and confusing event for the locals, snow fell on San Francisco this week. Emergency rooms were deludged with cases of nasal-cavity frost bite.

I'm laughing, but truly, my nose just got a bit stuffy thinking about it.

 

[Lancelot59]

A rare and confusing event for the locals, snow fell on San Francisco this week. Emergency rooms were deludged with cases of nasal-cavity frost bite.

I don't get it.

 

[nismaratwork]

I don't get it.

Think... rails.

 

[Lancelot59]

Think... rails.

I still don't get it.

 

[Borek]

I still don't get it.

Do you have a 1 dollar bill?

 

[DevilsAvocado]

>Ahem<
Any Joke particle can simultaneously occupy the quantum superposition of Funny and Lame, therefore it can have the quality of Funny, but the quality of Lame is all that influences its standing here.

Moose Action at a Distance?

 

[DevilsAvocado]

 

[Lancelot59]

Do you have a 1 dollar bill?

Oh...they were doing cocaine?

 

[nismaratwork]

Oh...they were doing cocaine?

Rails... of cocaine. Yeah, that was the clue. I don't know, having never used cocaine I'm only really familiar with the addict terminology.

 

[Lancelot59]

Rails... of cocaine. Yeah, that was the clue. I don't know, having never used cocaine I'm only really familiar with the addict terminology.

Right...I still don't get it. Was it because they all thought the snow was cocaine?
[PLAIN]http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-snorting-coke.jpg

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Right...I still don't get it. Was it because they all thought the snow was cocaine?

That was the idea. San Francisco has a reputation as a mecca for hyper-liberals [in the 1960's and 70's it was hippies] and drug users.

Also, "snow" is an old street name for cocaine.

 

[BobG]

[PLAIN]http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-snorting-coke.jpg[/QUOTE]

Is that Joe Charboneau? No, wait, Charboneau used to be able to drink beer through his nose.

He was rookie of the year for the Indians when the Indians were in the midst of a 30 year losing streak and lots of baseball fans saw him as our hope for the future - until he started dying his hair odd colors, opening beer bottles with his eye socket, drinking beer through his nose, and doing his own dental work with a pair of pliers and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

He got sent back to the minors pretty early in his second season and was playing semi-pro ball a couple years after that. Being a Cleveland sports fan just kind of sucks like that.

 

[nismaratwork]

That was the idea. San Francisco has a reputation as a mecca for hyper-liberals [in the 1960's and 70's it was hippies] and drug users.

Also, "snow" is an old street name for cocaine.

"Pure as the driven snow"... Heh.

What gets me is the majority of money having cocaine residue on it! I realize if someone is snorting cocaine, they're not really concerned about health (given what cocaine is, and what it's cut with), but... money is pretty dirty stuff; why use rolled money to snort? I never did understand that...

...Then again the strongest thing I've used in my life is cannabis, and that was many many many moons ago.


@"snorting Coke" Funny pic, but you know that kid's nose must have been on FIRE for a while!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Moose Action at a Distance?

Yës æït ïs.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Yës æït ïs.

Oköy thäught sö.


(...this is getting real lame, isn’t it...? )

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

(...this is getting real lame, isn’t it...? )

Søry, no Inglesh I only knø Skandïhnävian.


I wander what wold happen ïf yøø ghot æ møøse to snört köka-kölah... wäït don't dou thhat the møøse wîll gæt verie angrie, he wëëll pröhb'blie trâmple yøø...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Øüwch.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

What gets me is the majority of money having cocaine residue on it! I realize if someone is snorting cocaine, they're not really concerned about health (given what cocaine is, and what it's cut with), but... money is pretty dirty stuff; why use rolled money to snort? I never did understand that...

Note that "deluged" only has one d in it. Sometimes I think I have alien finger syndrome.

It bothers me a lot more that my bills have all been up someone's nose!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

It bothers me a lot more that my bills have all been up someone's nose!

That makes me feel like I need to sneeze.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

I wander what wold happen ïf yøø ghot æ møøse to snört köka-kölah... wäït don't dou thhat the møøse wîll gæt verie angrie, he wëëll pröhb'blie trâmple yøø...

Nö nö, taht is nöt ä pröblem. Mööse is ä bäd äss jönky änd höö cän händle it. Dön’t læt him drivæ thöugh, thät næver ænds wäll, änd pölice is væry thööugh whæn it cömes too mööse spæeding... thæy cän smæll a snörting möös milæs äheaæd...

Thæ cöps wäs öut yæstærdäy äss wæll...

 

[DevilsAvocado]

It bothers me a lot more that my bills have all been up someone's nose!

Øüwch.

 

[nismaratwork]

Note that "deluged" only has one d in it. Sometimes I think I have alien finger syndrome.

It bothers me a lot more that my bills have all been up someone's nose!

Ugh, right? That's why I always wear 18 layers of latex gloves, and bathe in boiling water and acetone.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Øüwch.

Hey you stole my post! Thief!

 

[nismaratwork]

Nö nö, taht is nöt ä pröblem. Mööse is ä bäd äss jönky änd höö cän händle it. Dön’t læt him drivæ thöugh, thät næver ænds wäll, änd pölice is væry thööugh whæn it cömes too mööse spæeding... thæy cän smæll a snörting möös milæs äheaæd...

Thæ cöps wäs öut yæstærdäy äss wæll...

HA!

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Hey you stole my post! Thief!

Pleæase dön’t bä aængry – äll Shcöæandinäääviæns äre cøømmuönists – WÆE SHAÆRE! :!):!):!)


()

 

[DevilsAvocado]

HA!

looking good

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

My Plan To Become The Greatest PF Member (And Take Over The World, Defend FTL, Etc.)

1. Discover a method of traveling to the future: extended life span, relativistic rocket, etc.
2. Utilize method(s) to reach a time where we have achieved backwards time travel.
3. Go back to 2011 and take the advanced tech and physics with me.
4. Build up an impenetrable castle made of scrith bricks, black hole strength force fields, unilaser impactors (I don't know why its called that), unlimited energy power plant, etc.
5. As my empire expands, the nations of Earth surrender to my control.
6. Now as the benevolent dictator of Earth I institute massive vactrain maglev projects, fusion plants, and solve global warming (if it is real) once and for all by building the world's largest ice cube.
7. Establish a law stating I am the greatest PF member.
8. All the PFers I like have the choice to work in my one-world government.
9. All the PFers I don't like, well maybe they'll start being nice to me.
10. The PFers in the middle get prepaid upgraded accounts and prepaid SciAm subscriptions.
11. In the new Earth Constitution, write an article protecting FTL. (I'm looking at YOU, OA!)
11b. Make a law saying Firefly TOTALLY STINKS.
12. Make peaceful contact with aliens.
13. Upscale the Earth Empire in an intergalactic union.
14. Any aliens that try to invade Earth or any of my worlds get shot with my lightyear long energy pistol (its not heavy at all).
15. After reigning for many years, I hand over control to one lucky PF member (better start being real nice to me if you want this position!)
16. I travel to the future and gather up the doubly advanced technology.
17. I travel to 2011. Repeat the whole process.

On a side note I could go back in time and stop Firefly and OA from ever coming into existence. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

 

[nismaratwork]

My Plan To Become The Greatest PF Member (And Take Over The World, Defend FTL, Etc.)

1. Discover a method of traveling to the future: extended life span, relativistic rocket, etc.

We're doing it now, but it's not extendig out lifespan.

2. Utilize method(s) to reach a time where we have achieved backwards time travel.
3. Go back to 2011 and take the advanced tech and physics with me.

Hmmm, I'm not sure I like where this is going...

4. Build up an impenetrable castle made of scrith bricks, black hole strength force fields, unilaser impactors (I don't know why its called that), unlimited energy power plant, etc.

Yep... not good.

5. As my empire expands, the nations of Earth surrender to my control.

With that firepower?... Can I volunteer to surrender first?

6. Now as the benevolent dictator of Earth I institute massive vactrain maglev projects, fusion plants, and solve global warming (if it is real) once and for all by building the world's largest ice cube.

Wait a second... that last bit is Futurama!

7. Establish a law stating I am the greatest PF member.

To maintain your technocracy, you wouldn't be able to allow a PF.

8. All the PFers I like have the choice to work in my one-world government.
9. All the PFers I don't like, well maybe they'll start being nice to me.

You have lasers, mass drivers, and fusion. You bet your butt we'll be nice!

10. The PFers in the middle get prepaid upgraded accounts and prepaid SciAm subscriptions.
11. In the new Earth Constitution, write an article protecting FTL. (I'm looking at YOU, OA!)

I want a phaser!

11b. Make a law saying Firefly TOTALLY STINKS.

Oh... so you want to start a revolt?!

12. Make peaceful contact with aliens.

Hey, when they probed my rectum, it was very peaceful contact.

13. Upscale the Earth Empire in an intergalactic union.
14. Any aliens that try to invade Earth or any of my worlds get shot with my lightyear long energy pistol (its not heavy at all).

You want a gun that fires over a period of a year? heh.

15. After reigning for many years, I hand over control to one lucky PF member (better start being real nice to me if you want this position!)
16. I travel to the future and gather up the doubly advanced technology.
17. I travel to 2011. Repeat the whole process.

At least you're not overly ambitious.

On a side note I could go back in time and stop Firefly and OA from ever coming into existence. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

Grrrrrrr... OR... you could order the networks to make more Firefly!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

We're doing it now, but it's not extendig out lifespan.

I just have to be patient... and get a lot of funding.
Alternatively I can slap together some pieces of quartz. Funny thing is, it never seems to work. It worked in the book, didn't it?

Hmmm, I'm not sure I like where this is going...

Why not? Wouldn't you like to have the technology to produce massive quantities of Root Beer for less than a picopenny?

Can I volunteer to surrender first?

That was the point. I probably should have stated it better. The nations join me because they realize that everything will be better that way, 'cause of the supertech and all.
And I can bribe the citizens by giving out lottery numbers, who will then sway the governments to come under my rule. Violence isn't absolutely required.

Wait a second... that last bit is Futurama!

Really? I didn't know that.

To maintain your technocracy, you wouldn't be able to allow a PF.

Much of my tech will be secret. If people start figuring out some of the tech (ie. fusion power), I'll just pull out something more powerful to remain ahead of them.

You have lasers, mass drivers, and fusion. You bet your butt we'll be nice!

Thank you.

And I'll hire someone to fix that bug that prevents me from using lots of emoticons in a row:

I want a phaser!

Ok. Just don't violate any human/sentient/lifeform rights.
I also have holodecks if you're interested.

Oh... so you want to start a revolt?!

Why not? I'll have plenty of popcorn.

...it was very peaceful contact.

...

You want a gun that fires over a period of a year? heh.

A gun that is 9,460,730,472,580.8 km long.
It can fire at a rate of about 10⁵⁰ times a second.
Its firepower can be set anywhere from Stun to BlowUpAPlanet.
It also utilizes superluminal physics.
And it can retract to 1 mm by shrink fields similar to the Alcubierre drive.
Extending it out to its maximum length is an easy way to fire at point blank range.

At least you're not overly ambitious.

You haven't seen my second Intergalactic Domination yet.

Grrrrrrr... OR... you could order the networks to make more Firefly!

Eh? Why?
Saying "humans haven't achieved FTL yet" is fine, but saying "FTL doesn't exist" is blasphemy. Hey, FTL's in my name.
I'm not sure which is the greater threat: Orion's Arm or Firefly. And to think that Firefly orbits over my head every few minutes...

Anyway, they'll be too busy adapting my novels for film and TV.
I think I'll play the part of Captain Cyprus myself. (one of the secondary characters)

 

[nismaratwork]

"Stun" to Planet-killer...

OK... I like that a lot. Now, OA can just suffer and die, but Firely... they had FTL... didn't they?

Anyway, FTL is the true blasphemy, but then, nothing is in fiction which is at least half of the fun.

 

[gatztopher]

Punchlines needed.

Q: Did you hear about the communist landlord?
A1: All the windows have iron curtains.
A2: Every room has a picture of him in it.
A3: ? (need help coming up with better punchlines)

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Punchlines needed.

Q: Did you hear about the communist landlord?
A1: All the windows have iron curtains.
A2: Every room has a picture of him in it.
A3: ? (need help coming up with better punchlines)

Communist landlord? What will they think of next?

 

[arildno]

A: He paid all the rents himself.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Communist landlords of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your door chains.

 

[AlephZero]

This year's communist rent has been reset to the national average for the year.
That means it is higher than last year's, but lower than next year's.

Igor complains to his landlord that his gas cooker isn't working. The landlord says. "No problem, Igor, I've booked the gas engineer to fix it. He will be here in exactly 10 years from today, first thing in the morning."

A few years later, Igor goes to buy a new car. The salesman says, "No problem, Igor, I've put your order on the waiting list. In exactly 5 years from today, you can come and collect your car first thing in the morning".

Igor says, "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to do that. The gas man is coming that morning to fix the cooker."

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Pleæase dön’t bä aængry – äll Shcöæandinäääviæns äre cøømmuönists – WÆE SHAÆRE! :!):!):!)


()

Iom nöt cøømmuönist.
Ahnd I döönt shaære. Miyne, miyne, miyne!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I used to think that "essay" was actually S.A.
When I asked someone what it stood for, the person wouldn't answer.

For a long time I thought Uranus was pronounced you-rain-ee-us to ryhme with Uranium.

 

[lisab]

I used to think that "essay" was actually S.A.
When I asked someone what it stood for, the person wouldn't answer.

For a long time I thought Uranus was pronounced you-rain-ee-us to ryhme with Uranium.

I like that...you-rain-ee-us sounds cool! Uranus...not so much.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I like that...you-rain-ee-us sounds cool! Uranus...not so much.

The year 2022: The IAU has voted to change the name of the seventh planet to Uranius, and has altered its pronunciation accordingly.

 

[lisab]

The year 2022: The IAU has voted to change the name of the seventh planet to Uranius, and has altered its pronunciation accordingly.

Yay !

 

[DevilsAvocado]

The year 2222: They have defrosted Prince and he got a bluish face, so they rename it to purple-you-rain-ee-us.

(omg that is lame! )

 

[lisab]

The year 2222: They have defrosted Prince and he got a bluish face, so they rename it to purple-you-rain-ee-us.

(omg that is lame! )

yes it is hahahah...

 

[DevilsAvocado]

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Iom nöt cøømmuönist.
Ahnd I döönt shaære. Miyne, miyne, miyne!

Ökäy, I givæ it bääck:

"Øüwch."

(blöödy tightwädd )