Collection of Lame Jokes

[mfb]

My Python is not working. Again. I keep calling the ISupper()* method and no dinner in sight .

* I Supper

Well, do you want dinner or do you want DINNER?

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 241821

Reminds me of the citizens of a town that put garlic on the sides of the road because it improves circulation.

 

[WWGD]

This one actually happened. Me and Mom went out to eat. Waiter was horrible from beginning to end. We give no tip whatsoever, leave the table. Waiter comes after us : " Ma'am, service is not included". Mom says : "Yes, I can tell".

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

Tying into the Viagra joke: they just added Viagra to the O'Henry candy bar. They renamed it to : Oh, Oh, Oh, Henry!

 

[davenn]

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' dvd.

It was here just a minute ago.

 

[davenn]

Terrible tragedy at sea.
Two paint tankers collided with each other.
One was filled with red paint, the other was filled with purple paint.
Both crews were marooned.

 

[Ibix]

Terrible tragedy at sea.

That's the third time that's happened on this thread alone! It's almost as bad as the ship carrying yo-yos which struck a rock. A few of the strings caught on it, and the ship sank 27 times.

 

[davenn]

Say what you want about Captain Hook...

But he ran that entire pirating operation single handedly

 

[Wrichik Basu]

@davenn you get those rather lame but hilarious jokes from somewhere or make them up?

 

[Steelwolf]

The Elderly Pirate came in for a physical, and the doctor told him that aside from the peg leg, the hook hand and missing an eye, he was fit as a fiddle at 75 yrs old. He was curious though, just how the pirate had lost said parts. The Elderly Pirate was happy to recount his tales, explaining that it was a cannon shot that took his leg off just below the knee, clean as could be, cauterized even. And then years later, in a sword combat, he lost his left hand blocking a deadly swing. The doctor was very interested, and asked how he managed to loose the eye. Well, said the Elderly Pirate, I was checking the rigging of the ship one day, and this seagull came over and deposited, right straight into my eye. The doctor expresses surprise as he has never heard of anyone losing an eye to seagull crap. The Pirate tells him, "Yea, but you see, I had only had the hook fer two days..."

 

[Steelwolf]

@davenn, About the single handed businesses: My Brother had an offer for him to run a 'Ranch' in Nevada called the Institute for Destitute Prostitutes, but due to a staffing problem he was going to have to run it by hand for the first six months, he took a pass on that one...

 

[WWGD]

@davenn, About the single handed businesses: My Brother had an offer for him to run a 'Ranch' in Nevada called the Institute for Destitute Prostitutes, but due to a staffing problem he was going to have to run it by hand for the first six months, he took a pass on that one...

Couldn't they've used a substitute?Maybe one from an institute? Too much lassitude.

 

[Steelwolf]

They apparently wanted a very hands-on manager

 

[davenn]

@davenn you get those rather lame but hilarious jokes from somewhere or make them up?

The puns, like ...

Say what you want about Captain Hook...

But he ran that entire pirating operation single handedly

are mostly from a FB group ... The Pun Club

I enjoy funny word plays like that

 

[davenn]

The Elderly Pirate came in for a physical,....

hahaha brilliant

 

[davenn]

I have a lot of jokes about unemployment

But none of them work

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

A buzzard tried to board the airplane with two dead raccoons...
The flight attendant said "only one carrion per passenger"

 

[Borg]

Good to know when I go on vacation next month.

 

[256bits]

This is an old one...

Farmer, shopping for a bull to build up his cattle herd, finds one advertised for sale a few towns over.
Telling his missis as he heads on his way, " I am going over to take a look at it. If I buy it, I will telegraph you to bring the wagon to stock up on supplies also."
The bull is to the farmers liking.
Telegraph is 5 cents a word.
The farmer, valuing his hard earned money, telegraphs his wife "Comfortable"

 

[DrClaude]

The farmer, valuing his hard earned money, telegraphs his wife "Comfortable"

Took me a while, so for those who don't get it:

Spoiler

Comfortable = Come for the bull

 

[DrClaude]

Reminds me of

The shortest telegram exchange sent is attributed to Oscar Wilde. Living in Paris, he is supposed to have cabled his publisher in London to see how how his new book was doing. The telegram simply read “?” to which the reply cabled back was “!” (Although the story might be apocryphal; the same telegram has been attributed to Victor Hugo.)

Source:
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/telegrams

 

[mfb]

The shortest telegram in the English language was from the Irish writer Oscar Wilde. He was living in Paris and he cabled his publisher in Britain to see how his new book was doing. The message read: “?” The publisher cabled back: “!”

It is good that they specified the language of the telegrams.

I also wonder which language allows shorter telegrams.

 

[gmax137]

Not sure how you could get shorter. Maybe the next shortest is en Espanol:
"¿?"
"¡!"

 

[collinsmark]

I also wonder which language allows shorter telegrams.

My guess is the language of Betelgeuse Five, given how much meaning can go into the simple, two letter word, "ix."

​

Ford Prefect's original name is only pronounceable in an obscure Betelgeusian dialect, now virtually extinct since the Great Collapsing Hrung Disaster of Gal./Sid.,Year 03758 which wiped out all of the old Praxibetel communities on Betelgeuse Seven. Ford's Father was the only man on the entire planet to survive the Great Collapsing Hrung disaster, by an extraordinary coincidence that he was never able satisfactorily to explain. The whole episode is shrouded in deep mystery: in fact no one ever knew what a Hrung was nor why it had chosen chosen to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven particularly. Ford's father, magnanimously waving aside the clouds of suspicion that had inevitably settled around him, came to live on Betelgeuse Five where he both fathered and uncled Ford; in memory of his now dead race he christened him in the ancient Praxibetel tongue.​

​

Because Ford never learned to say his original name, his father eventually died of shame, which is still a terminal disease in some parts of the Galaxy. The other kids at school nicknamed him Ix, which in the language of Betelgeuse Five translates as "boy who is not able to satisfactorily explain what a Hrung is, nor why it should choose to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven."​

Source: Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

 

[jtbell]

What units do millennials use for measuring their weight (mass)?

Instagrams.

 

[fresh_42]